A brain dump

I need to return to my self. When the feeling of being adrift and the mental fog merge, the road ahead appears as a romantic setting filled with intrigue and adventure, but little answers. In seeking such answers, I may find new paths and new passions, but such a journey cannot be undertaken when chained to the present.

The yokes must first be dismantled before the anchors lifted. The past is of no consequence except for its gifts that continue to colour the present moment. Wishing it away has never resulted in anything more than regret or escapism. Embracing it, despite most often being a cold and uncomfortable embrace, has always offered the opportunity to warm up to it, before moving beyond it.

There appears to be wisdom in learning to love the challenges I face, rather than spurning their roots. I lost myself many times in the distractions that result from a fixation on its roots, often questioning the value of my contribution towards countering the anticipated outcomes that now weigh on my shoulders as yokes of past decisions. Those contributions, when focused on with regret, grew larger than my strength to prevail beyond it, turning it into a living monument that slowly defined my sense of self. Thus I lost myself to moments long gone, and in investments long since diminished in value.

In returning to my self, I must embrace the beauty of my being that afforded me the conviction to contribute towards that which held no promise beyond that moment, but whose hope carried me to see dreams beyond the impossible that I faced. Despite not having achieved those dreams, its descendents have spawned new paths that otherwise would have remained concealed, but importantly, have eliminated any reason to question myself later had I held back in my contribution towards what I hoped to achieve.

Speaking cryptically is a game that tests my resolve between unbridled rage at the world, and quiet contemplation of my right to rage. Rage is only needed when I refuse to embrace the naivety and convictions that encouraged my contribution towards that which I knew carried the promise of betrayal as much as it carried the hope of joy. Denying my contribution to justify my rage would therefore be as hypocritical as the ones who betrayed my efforts because they saw their vulnerability as a weakness to be condemned, and therefore preemptively judged me to be what they expected of me, rather than what I offered in truth.

There’s a harshness that creeps in when we see our tenderness as weakness, rather than seeing it as a proclamation of our ability to remain human in a calloused world. It’s that same harshness that defines the tone with which we receive the tenderness in others. When we assume their tenderness to be a drain on our strength, we lose the benefit of seeing in them the gentleness that we must harbour in us to avoid inviting the harshness of the world into the cavities of our souls. Those cavities, when seen as failings or as evidence of inadequacy, become sources of shame, rather than opportunities to create the joy and the beauty that they await.

Joy and beauty would have remained elusive to my dysfunctional being had I restrained myself when common sense dictated such restraint. It was through abandoning common sense that I departed from the trajectory that honoured the emotionless heritage that had defined my world up to that point. It has always been my ability to dream of being more than I ever had a right to claim that I found myself among beauty and fulfilment that would otherwise have remained foreign to my experience of this world.

It is in my rejection of what others believed to be true about me that I found myself. It was in that rejection that I revealed their rejection of themselves in favour of their need to belong to their soured legacies. It is in that rejection that I found the most beautiful of souls with whom to share sacred moments and even bigger dreams. Without that rejection, I would have been as dejected as many of the vapid ones who spend their lives courting the validation of those who invalidated them to begin with. Seeing the hollowness in their eyes, it was my rejection of such a hollow existence for myself that I created space for kindred souls to create in me what the legacy of my lineage would never have been able to endow.

Thus, it was rejection that guided me to me. It was choosing what I did not want for myself, without waiting for the arrival of common sense, that allowed me to create space for what I hoped to experience, and who I hoped to embrace. And the embrace that I found through such rejection outweighs the accumulated benefit of all the validations that I could have courted instead.

Life has a way of meandering towards that which we desire most, but through paths that often defy logic while priming us for the state we must achieve if we hope to have the capacity to embrace what it is that we want. By respecting the fears that define the efforts of those around us, we limit ourselves to achieving only a shadow of their achievements, because we would never discover the potential that we hold within. Sometimes it’s more important to focus on what we need to reject, than applying ourselves towards that which we hope to achieve. It demands a trust in the harmony of life that exceeds any balance that we may be able to consciously extract from such a flow. Fighting the rapids is often the least effective way to navigate through tough times. Perhaps in that is the wisdom that I need to secure my way beyond this torrential period of my life.

Regardless of which way it goes, I am clear about the path that I choose to pursue through the foggy road that lies ahead. And the companion to accompany me on that journey will reveal themselves when the space I create meets the path that they’re on. Until then, the journey holds the promise of many beautiful revelations, akin to the revelations that revealed the possibility of being more than I ever thought possible for a man whose heritage denied anything beyond mediocrity or common sense.

Legacies are only to be honoured if they honour the truth of who we are. Discovering that truth is therefore only possible when we see in ourselves the possibility of the future, rather than remaining loyal to the inheritance of the past.

Respectfully dishonest

This is especially true for our relationships with ourselves, more than it reflects on our relationships with others.

We disrespect ourselves when we avoid truths that feel shameful or disappointing about who we are.

That shame or disappointment that we feel is because we’re looking at ourselves through other people’s eyes, or at least what we think they would think of us if they knew what we’re hiding within.

We respect ourselves when we focus on understanding rather than judging why we’re not being true to the standard that we want to live up to.

But that standard must be our own aspiration, and not a standard defined by society or anyone else.

Someone else may suggest or advise on what is worth pursuing, but we must adopt that as our own aspiration, with conviction, or else we’ll again judge ourselves to be a success or a failure when we exert ourselves towards achieving that goal.

If you’re dishonest with yourself or with others, then respect is no longer part of that interaction.

Take time to reflect and recalibrate your efforts, and leave the judgement to those who will judge regardless of your best efforts towards them.

#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #selflove #ownyourshit #ownyourlife #theegosystem #embracingME #pursuitofhappiness #zaidismail

Demand more…of yourself

Unless you believe that you are capable of achieving more, you will always hold on to less.

That belief is more about feeling worthy than it is about ability.

Sometimes, we look at how our best efforts were received and assume that the negative outcomes bear testament to the value that we have to offer.

We then find reason to withhold our contribution in future without pausing to consider that perhaps we invested our efforts in someone who wasn’t ready to value what we shared.

But, it’s never that simple, is it?

Often, we continue to invest because we believe in the untapped beauty or value that we see in them.

It is that belief that anchors us in the ‘if only’ and ‘what if’ scenarios that play out in our heads, while blinding our hearts from the beauty that awaits if only we invested our efforts more wisely.

At such times, we must look to those who see our beauty, rather than fixating on those who deny their own.

It’s the only way to break the cycle that diminishes our contribution towards creating joy in our lives, and in the lives of those around us.

#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #theegosystem #ownyourlife #ownyourshit #embracingME #mybeloved #zaidismail #narcissism #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticparents

Fear breeds sadness

Fear creates more sadness than heartbreak ever will.

Fear keeps us anchored in a moment that has long since passed.

Fear convinces us that we need to be protected from what we previously experienced, while distracting us from the wisdom and strength that we gained from that experience.

Fear prompts us to look for signs and evidence that what we fear may once again be approaching, and distracts us from the signs and evidence that what we hope for is within reach.

Like everything that destroys, fear requires little effort because it is a self-sustaining cycle.

Hope, on the feet hand, requires courage.

Hope demands that we reconnect with who we are before that last bitter encounter.

Hope is not for the meek. When we succumb to fear, the meek prevail and life loses its sweetness.

#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #theegosystem #ownyourlife #ownyourshit #embracingME #motivation #mybeloved #zaidismail #authenticity #lifecoaching #narcissisticpartner #narcissism #narcissisticabuse

Fearfully hopeful

Patience is only patience when it is the foundation of hope. Not when it is the pacifier of fear.

Hope is the currency of growth, whereas fear is what breeds decay.

To patiently await the decay of what we hold dear is not patience, it is surrender.

To hope, despite the apparent futility that stares us down, is the ultimate rebellion against fear.

To patiently persevere is therefore to continue fighting for that which brings us love and happiness, especially when the circumstances of our lives will warrant a surrender.

It is this beautiful patience that holds the promise of a heart filled with love, or a life fraught with pain.

When we lose sight of the outcome that we hope to achieve, we surrender to fear and settle for the familiarity of the pain that we once yearned to escape.

Surrender must never be an option.

Fa sabrun jameel…

Photo credit: Adobe stock

#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #theegosystem #ownyourlife #ownyourshit #embracingME #mybeloved #motivation #zaidismail #authenticity #leadershipcoach #lifecoaching #counselling

Trading off the best of me

If kindness and compassion are a reflection of who we are, there can be no prerequisite for anyone to have to deserve it, or to earn it from us.

How we express it towards them may take different forms, including tough love.

But it is our intention behind that tough love, and how we follow through with it, that determines if it was indeed inspired by kindness and compassion, or by anger or frustration.

The moment we expect someone to earn our kindness, respect, or any other virtue that we claim to possess, we lose that virtue and replace it with arrogance.

Arrogance is a result of a low self esteem.

There is no reason to demand recognition of our contribution if we truly appreciate the value of what we contribute.

Therefore, we diminish ourselves by trading with others that which we should be valuing within ourselves.

Express the beauty of you despite the bitterness of those around you.

It may be the very catalyst needed to break the cycle of your life that you so despise.

#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #theegosystem #ownyourlife #ownyourshit #embracingME #motivation #optimism #zaidismail #lifecoaching #narcissisticpartner #narcissism #narcissisticabuse