Tag: appreciation

  • Resisting the norms

    Resisting the norms

    The relentless pace of society towards retiring those who are no longer contemporary is enough reason to settle into the rhythm of preparing for old age. Just writing that out makes me nauseous.

    To regain my sanity, or at least to push back against the approaching insanity, I remind myself that I have a good 20 to 30 years still left in me should I not succumb to the violence that pervades so many social spaces. 20 to 30 years is a lifetime in itself, which makes it difficult for me to grasp why someone would willingly plan to surrender a lifetime in favour of a belief system that has put out to pasture the wisdom of lives lives and struggles overcome.

    Society is only as strong as the most pervasive weakness that it celebrates. At present, we appear to celebrate mediocrity, sensationalism, materialism, and debilitating comfort. Passion and purpose do not feature in the most important discussions around me, both in my personal domain or in the public domains that I frequent.

    My aversion to such norms has seen me increasingly isolating myself from such spaces leading to a dulling of my spirit that threatens to land me in exactly the state the thought of which nauseates me. Thus, if left to my own devices without a grasp on life itself, I will succumb to the very thing about which I judge others. That has proven to be the only truth about the struggles of my life.

    The judgement that I flirted with in my youth visited me in my adulthood and threatens to define my twilight years. However, I refuse to embrace the twilight. I will marvel at it, and perhaps even taunt it, but I have no intention of embracing it. My irreverence at that sight of social norms creates a tension within me each time I even contemplate fitting in or going with the flow of the river of affluence that stenches up the environment around me.

    An art neglected will be lost. Thus, I find my ability to express myself slowly eroding while the mental clutter of everything that I have grown to despise about mediocrity takes its place. The despicable narrative of the contempt that I hold for the lack of conviction that I am bombarded with takes up more head space than it ever should.

    The absence of a sounding board or an understanding gaze leaves me adrift in a sea of tumultuous currents that have exceedingly brought me closer to tipping over and losing myself to the idealism of a mind fraught with angst at the sight of everything that threatens the wholesomeness that I hope to experience before my final calling.

    When the spoken word is not welcomed, the written word is all that remains of my avenue of protest against a world that celebrates vulgarity and self-aggrandisement rather than the substance and wondrous nature of life itself.

    A distracted clown appears deeply philosophical. A whimsical philosopher appears foolish.

    I must avoid both.

  • Be blessed, not entitled

    Be blessed, not entitled

    Appreciation is simply an acknowledgement of what we feel blessed with, while gratitude is reflected in what we claim to appreciate.

    The secret to contentment is found in gratitude.

    But not in an attitude of gratitude.

    It must be more substantial than that.

    Gratitude must be a meaningful connection with what we truly value about ourselves and our lives, and not just appreciation for having more than others.

    Gratitude allows us to focus on what’s good, and realise how much worse things could be.

    It encourages appreciation for what we have instead of envy for what we don’t have.

    Most importantly, it recognises the blessings that most take for granted like good health, free time, youthfulness, good relations, and peace of mind.

    When we lose gratitude for these things, we take it for granted and stop doing what is needed to maintain it.

    That’s when we lose it.

    And if we still don’t recognise our ingratitude at that point, our difficulties become a trial rather than a reminder leading us to believe that we’re cursed or being tested by divine decree.

    Live with gratitude. Always.

  • Are you sure you’re not enough?

    Are you sure you’re not enough?

    I often see people needing to remind themselves that they’re enough.

    Some even print out posters proclaiming “I am enough” and place it on their fridge or at their workplace, or on their mirror.

    Enough for what? For whom? In what? To achieve what?

    We have to convince ourselves that we’re not good enough before anyone can make us feel that way.

    When you focus on whether you’re enough, you lose sight of the fact that you’re literally reducing the entirety of who you are to what you think is enough about you in only one domain of your life.

    That’s usually in our social spaces.

    That’s how we become defined by what we think others think of us, or what we think of ourselves through our self-criticism.

    You are enough of whatever you choose to be, but first you need to see yourself clearly.

    See yourself realistically, not through rose coloured spectacles, or affirmations of things you know is not true but want must be true.

    The problem to solve is not to be enough, it’s to understand what you’re doing that may be counter productive to who you want to be or what you want to achieve.

    Start there. Start by observing the effectiveness of your approach, your effort, your strategy, etc.

    Then do something about those parts that are not as effective as they need to be.

    Now you’re solving the right problems.

    Being enough was always just a distraction.

    Own your life.

  • Authentic gratitude

    Authentic gratitude

    This is for the ‘attitude of gratitude’ crowd.

    It’s for the ones who believe that gratitude is an act.

    A gesture.

    A token word of appreciation.

    A polite mannerism.

    A show of acknowledgement.

    A gift prompted by an event.

    It’s not.

    Authentic gratitude is what you do and how you show up for those whom you claim to appreciate on those special occasions.

    Gratitude is about valuing what is important to those whom you claim to value.

    It is about what you do with the privilege and favour enabled by those who serve and/or support you.

    Gratitude is a state of being.

    It is a way of life.

    It is a way of living without deliberately trying.

    It is a consequence of the belief in the virtue and the goodness of what benefit you are capable of being to those around you, not because they deserve it but because you’re capable of it.

    Authenticity is rare.

    That’s why most use gestures and expressions of gratitude as a commodity with which to transact for significance.

    Appreciation is not gratitude.

    Gratitude is reflected in what you do with, or about what you claim to appreciate.

    You cannot be truly grateful for others if you take yourself for granted.

  • Gratitude is not appreciation

    Gratitude is not appreciation

    Gratitude speaks more to our soul than any gift or trinket, or whispers of endearment.

    Gratitude is impossible without respect,
    and respect is impossible without honesty,
    and honesty is impossible without sincerity,
    and sincerity is impossible without self-respect,
    and self-respect is impossible without conviction,
    and conviction is impossible without self-worth…

    And so it continues until we realise that expecting gratitude or appreciation from someone that lacks any of these fundamental traits in their character is an exercise in futility.

    We cannot give what we don’t have.

    Therefore, if we’re falling short in any of the attributes that lead to gratitude, the most we’ll be capable of is appreciation.

    And appreciation is not the same as gratitude.

    Appreciation is simply the acknowledgment of a blessing or benefit.

    Gratitude is reflected in what you do with that blessing or benefit that you claim to appreciate.

    It’s like appreciating the fact that you have a job, but putting in only as much effort as is needed to meet your boss’s expectations so that you don’t get fired.

    Or appreciating that you have a car, but not maintaining it or using it in a way that reflects gratitude for the value that it creates in your life.

    You can have the world to be grateful for, but no one can insert gratitude into your heart.

    Gratitude is therefore not what we journal about, or what we praise or acknowledge.

    Gratitude is showing up in a way that does justice to the ability we have to show up.

    Gratitude is about not living life in half measures, or compromising what we stand for from fear of exclusion or rejection.

    Gratitude, if nothing else, is at the heart of peace and contentment, because it connects us purposefully with who we are and what we are capable of, regardless of what others see or don’t see in us.

    We can therefore not be grateful of others if we lack gratitude for ourselves.

    It always starts with you.

  • Gratitude is more than an attitude

    Gratitude is more than an attitude

    An attitude of gratitude is not gratitude, because gratitude is not about attitude. It’s about a way of being.

    Too often we confuse appreciation with gratitude.

    Appreciation is what we express for favours or gifts, or the ease that we experience in our lives or with others.

    We appreciate the absence of problems, the presence of happiness, or the good fortune of wealth, etc.

    We appreciate such things because we know how much more difficult or challenging life would be without it.

    Gratitude, I believe, goes beyond such acknowledgements of blessings.

    Gratitude is reflected in how we nurture, protect, maintain, or leverage what makes such blessings possible.

    For example, if we have the ability to create good, but we restrain ourselves because it’s not our job or our responsibility, then we’re not grateful for that ability.

    That ability is merely a tool that we use in a transactional way.

    Like having a car that we appreciate because it enables ease of movement, but we don’t take care of it because the thrill of driving recklessly is more important than the blessing of having a car.

    By its very nature, gratitude increases the benefits and blessings of what we have and are capable of, whereas mere appreciation for it only maintains the status quo.

    It may seem like a play on words, or a philosophical debate, but the moment we connect with gratitude for who we are, rather than just appreciating what we are or what we have, we’ll find opportunity to be of benefit in every sphere of our lives, rather than waiting to feel appreciated before we create the value that we’re capable of creating.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • To be loved

    To be loved

    To be seen… Beyond the facade. To have the essence of who we are, known to those we trust and hold dear.

    To be heard… Not only when we cry out, but also when we speak gently of the troubles in our heart.

    To be loved… For more than how we make others feel, but to be loved for what we need in return, without having to claim it.

    In that order, because a voice without an identity is not a voice. It’s only a whisper in the wind.

    A face without a voice is only window dressing, or a trophy. And not a complete being.

    And love… Love without a reciprocal embrace…an embrace of what we hold within, as well as what we willingly give, is an empty love that taints towards bitterness, rather than beauty.

    Love beyond lust or infatuation is rare. True love is never abandoned.

    I see you.

    I hear you.

    I love you.

    Three of the most valuable gifts you could ever give.

    But, you cannot give what you don’t have.

    For this reason, you must first see, hear, and love who you are, before you will be able to share it with another.

  • Cyclical abuse

    Cyclical abuse

    At first, we remain in a bad relationship because we truly believe in the sincerity of the claims of our partner to want to improve, or to overcome what they’re struggling with.

    After some time, if we’re not careful, our inability to get them to follow through will convince us that we’re not a good enough reason for them to be better.

    When that continues for long enough, we begin to doubt our ability to be enough for anyone else, and thus find ourselves trapped in a cycle that we’re unintentionally sustaining.

    Some may claim that they stay because it’s their way of expressing unconditional love.

    Unconditional love, if it ever exists, is the sacrifice of one in favour of another. When you sacrifice yourself to compensate for the bad behaviour of someone else, that’s not love, that’s self loathing.

    If you don’t love yourself, loving another becomes a cry for significance or acceptance, and love has nothing to do with it.

    More importantly though, the choice of how to respond to bad or abusive behaviour is not binary. It’s not just about staying or leaving.

    Between those two choices lies a number of ways to potentially break cycles of abuse, all of which requires a better understanding of why the abusive behaviour is the way in which the other person is trying to feel significant, or to rage at an injustice done to them in the past.

    By understanding what drives their behaviour, we allow ourselves to see the human struggle behind the behaviour, rather than to judge the entirety of the human by their behaviour.

    But this is only possible when we don’t feel inadequate about who we are in that situation.

    A healthy self-esteem is therefore at the heart of truly breaking cycles of abuse, otherwise we may exit that situation, but we’re likely to be attracted to yet another cycle of abuse in our search for significance.

    It always starts with you.