I often see people needing to remind themselves that they’re enough.
Some even print out posters proclaiming “I am enough” and place it on their fridge or at their workplace, or on their mirror.
Enough for what? For whom? In what? To achieve what?
We have to convince ourselves that we’re not good enough before anyone can make us feel that way.
When you focus on whether you’re enough, you lose sight of the fact that you’re literally reducing the entirety of who you are to what you think is enough about you in only one domain of your life.
That’s usually in our social spaces.
That’s how we become defined by what we think others think of us, or what we think of ourselves through our self-criticism.
You are enough of whatever you choose to be, but first you need to see yourself clearly.
See yourself realistically, not through rose coloured spectacles, or affirmations of things you know is not true but want must be true.
The problem to solve is not to be enough, it’s to understand what you’re doing that may be counter productive to who you want to be or what you want to achieve.
Start there. Start by observing the effectiveness of your approach, your effort, your strategy, etc.
Then do something about those parts that are not as effective as they need to be.
Now you’re solving the right problems.
Being enough was always just a distraction.
Own your life.
#choices #accountability #conviction #iamenough #selfworth #selfawareness #selflove #gratitude #appreciation #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #optimisticquotes #coachzaidismail #ownyourlife
Tag: choices
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Are you sure you’re not enough?
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The Sound of Inevitability
One of my favourite movie scenes is the one in The Matrix where the agent holds down Neo’s head as he has him pinned down to the railway tracks. With the sound of an oncoming train rumbling in the distance, the agent pulls Neo’s head up and says in the coldest, driest, and most deliberate tone, “Hear that Mr Anderson? That’s the sound of inevitability.” The rest is history. But that sound of inevitability always resonates with me.
The endless jokes about the light at the end of the tunnel need no retelling. It’s not the light that is important, but rather the inevitable nature of the passing of every trial or tribulation that weighs us down. Too often we’re so distracted about the light and whether it is good or bad, that we forget to step out of the way if it’s bad, or embrace it if it’s good. Most end up just feeling overwhelmed, while others entirely miss the opportunity that presented itself because of the fears associated with the assumptions that they made before it even happened. A rare few embrace the light and work it to their advantage.
That’s the obvious part. The not so obvious part is when we define what we believe is inevitable or needed. I’ve noticed in my own life how many times I’ve set out focusing on establishing some means to an end. That means, be it a car or a house, or some other tool intended for a specific purpose, usually had a huge effort associated with its acquisition. Let’s stick with the house for this example.
It started out as a need to have a place of my own if I wished to get married and start my own family. Like everything in this world, everything needs maintenance, and so the cycles of maintenance started not long after I moved in. Along with the maintenance my creative side kicked in because I needed to at least get something out of the burden of maintaining the place, and suddenly maintenance turned into a renovation. Then the ego kicked in and soon the space was just too small to achieve what I wanted to achieve. Suddenly I couldn’t entertain as many people as I wanted, nor could I get a quiet space to contemplate the next renovation or upgrade to the house, or to just forget about the house and all its demands. In between, the marriage was neglected and the upkeep of the home became the pivotal point of the relationship. Making ends meet became the focus, and suddenly the tool that was intended to enhance our lives and create a space for us to grow together became a shared burden instead, and created a tension that eventually eroded the very foundation that the house was built on.
This is one simple and often relatable cycle that we go through. The inevitability of the outcome was entirely defined by our actions and decisions, or more accurately, our shifting priorities as we placed material gains ahead of what was initially important. None of that mattered though, because the moment it became contentious, it was no longer about finding a path back to what our starting point was, but instead it became a struggle for significance. Whose needs were taken care of and who was making more compromises. That’s all that mattered.
Stepping back and taking stock requires more than just an arrest of the ego. It requires a desire to return to a point of sincerity and authenticity in our lives when we were filled with hope about the future, after finding ourselves filled with a longing for the past instead. Arresting the ego becomes easier if we believe that what we stand to gain is more valuable than having to swallow our pride. Swallowing our pride only becomes palatable if we recognise one or both of the following. Holding on to it will turn us into someone that we do not wish to become, because our self worth is more important than the value that others place on us. Or, swallowing our pride holds little risk of ridicule or reminders amongst those that we hold with significance in our hearts.
While the former is substantially more difficult to achieve because it requires a level of self knowledge and mindfulness that escapes most of us, it is the shortest path to retaining some level of sanity in our lives. The latter, however, as wholesome and embracing as it sounds, means that an important part of who we are is still shaped by how we are accepted by others.
Not realising the difference or the gravity of either will result in much stress and strife, as we find ourselves hamstrung between what we want for ourselves, versus what others want from us. And that’s an important distinction. Realising that even though others indicate that they want the best for us, their perspectives are often tainted by what their association with us means for them. This realisation has caused me to pause and reflect more than any other realisation in a very long time. Not only does it provide insights into my responses to the expectations of others, but more importantly it provides key insights into my expectations of those around me, including my daughters.
Inevitability is often a cacophony of silent screams that we feel, but rarely hear. It’s only in the most quiet moments of reflection that it dares to surface and whisper a chilling note that shakes us from our deluded or distracted state, so that we might have yet another chance to course-correct as we trundle down the tracks leading into that tunnel with the inviting bright lights. Inevitability is only guaranteed in one single outcome, that is the final end of your current life. Everything else only remains inevitable as long as we choose to remain stagnant when we should be taking action instead.
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Our past only rules our hearts and minds as long as we’re oblivious to the fact that it is in fact the past.
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Choices
The brain numbing effects of medication is scary. Ever since I took a mood stabiliser and an anti-depressant a few years ago, I’ve been hyper-sensitive to side effects in other medication that may have the slightest influence on moods or anxiety levels. The knee jerk reaction of most people that I mention this to is to suggest that the symptoms are entirely psychosomatic. However, they’re wrong every time because they say that on the assumption that I read the insert of the medication before taking it. I don’t. I usually take the medication, then observe the changes in my moods and behaviours (I’m weird like that) and then, if I can’t explain the changes, I go searching for answers.
This week I’ve been in bed with a combination of the flu, pharyngitis and a touch of bronchitis. The previous time this happened, the anti-biotic that was prescribed for me by my doctor caused me to get really aggressive and short-tempered. I only realised it after three days had passed, at which point I promptly reviewed the side-effects, honed in on the potential impact, and discontinued the anti-biotic (against my doctor’s advice since you are required to complete the course once started), and within a day or two, I felt my normal self again.
This week, a different anti-biotic was prescribed, and on the first night that I took it, I had graphic nightmares and woke up almost every hour on the hour, or in between as well, with the nightmares continuing like a sequel each time I fell asleep. This was highly unusual for me. Again, against the advice of my doctor, I discontinued the course of anti-biotics and requested an alternative. The alternative is much better and the side-effects have been much more bearable.
When I share my views about depression and mood altering medication, I’m speaking from first hand experience, and never conjecture. The reasons I took those meds to begin with are anything but ordinary, so you would most likely be horribly mistaken if you tried to guess what it was. The effects of the medication this week is still wearing off, with the current course of anti-biotics set to run for a few more days.
This seems like a really pointless post, but there’s an uneasiness that I feel when I consider how lightly or readily most people take medication without any concern for the lasting impact it has on their health. I’m not the healthiest person around, but given some of my life’s experiences, more than one doctor expressed surprise at the fact that I have not had a major life event yet (that’s doctor speak for a heart attack, or something worse). The point is, we need to live consciously. Most people don’t. Most of the time we’re so focused on fitting in and conforming that we forget to think about what is or isn’t good for us. It’s the common herd mentality. Try to suggest that the herd is wrong, and I guess my recent abrasive discussions on Tumblr with some sheep clearly demonstrates what happens. You get bullied and maligned until you conform. I choose not to conform because I see how pathetic conformance makes others.
I guess this is just a really long-winded plea for people to start taking themselves more seriously. Rather than accepting whatever criticisms you get from others, spend time reflecting on your own principles, motivations and merits that drive you to be who you are. If the criticism confirms that, and you’re comfortable that that is who you choose to be, then great. You’re on the right track, even if it means that you’re the odd one out. If you compromise your principles in the hope of being more socially acceptable, you will, not maybe, not likely, but definitely will be setting yourself up for a whole lot of pain.
Our past only rules our hearts and minds as long as we’re oblivious to the fact that it is in fact the past.
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Sexual Orientation
Or should that be ‘sectual orientation’? Someone used this term when asking me about my religious persuasion, but I think it applies in this case as well. After researching this topic for some time, and having been exposed to many people that identify as ‘Gay’, my original views remain consistent. Homosexuality is a choice, and not determined by genes. This is supported by extensive research and very well presented in a concise argument on this blog. Furthermore, as I’ve always stated, if it is natural, the simple acid test to prove this would be procreation. But that’s a debate for another day.
Given the tedious debates about this subject, I felt inclined to put my penny in the plate as well (no doubt to add to the tediousness of it all). Before I share more of my personal views, here’s a few quotes from the site referenced above:
American Psychological Association
“[M]any scientists share the view that sexual orientation is shaped for most people at an early age through complex interactions of biological, psychological and social factors.”
The American Psychological Association’s pamphlet, “Answers to Your Questions About Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality.”
“Gay Brain” Researcher Simon LeVay
“At this point, the most widely held opinion [on causation of homosexuality] is that multiple factors play a role.”
LeVay, Simon (1996). Queer Science, MIT Press.
Dennis McFadden, University of Texas neuroscientist
“Any human behavior is going to be the result of complex intermingling of genetics and environment. It would be astonishing if it were not true for homosexuality.”
“Scientists Challenge Notion that Homosexuality’s a Matter of Choice,” The Charlotte Observer, August 9, 1998.
Sociologist Steven Goldberg
“I know of no one in the field who argues that homosexuality can be explained without reference to environmental factors.”
Goldberg, Steven (1994). When Wish Replaces Thought: Why So Much of What You Believe is False. Buffalo, New York: Prometheus Books.
The following is a comment from Dean Hamer, whose research in 1993 started the whole thing about the gay gene
“Gay gene” researcher Dean Hamer was asked by Scientific American if homosexuality was rooted solely in biology. He replied:
“Absolutely not. From twin studies, we already know that half or more of the variability in sexual orientation is not inherited. Our studies try to pinpoint the genetic factors…not negate the psychosocial factors.”
“New Evidence of a ‘Gay Gene’,” by Anastasia Toufexis, Time, November 13, 1995, vol. 146, Issue 20, p. 95.
This is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s obvious that social factors play a massive role in determining the sexual orientation of individuals. I often liken it with natural inclinations that people may have regarding acts or behaviours that are not associated with sexuality. The more acceptable an act becomes to society, the greater the prevalence of such an act.
Therefore, the level of tolerance of an act is often the determining factor in its prevalence. Taking such analogies to the extreme is usually a good way to demonstrate a point, so here goes. At some point in our lives, every one of us has/had the urge to beat the crap out of someone, and maybe even want to kill them. This urge to act out violently exists in everyone. Whether a saint or a sinner, the urge is there. What prevents us from acting out is either one or all of the following factors. We either restrain ourselves because of the moral code that we subscribe to, our sense of fear for the punishment that may be received from a religious perspective, or the repercussions from a society that will not tolerate such behaviour.
Should violent aggression become more acceptable, more people would act out on these urges to beat someone up, and society will become more accepting of the escalated level of violence. The same argument I’ve always maintained about mental ‘disorders’ versus chemical balance is what I maintain about homosexuality. i.e. the chemical imbalance that supposedly proves a person’s predisposed state to the condition is in fact a symptom of the thought processes and not the other way around.
To avoid labouring the point and possibly delving into territory that I’m barely qualified to read let alone comment on, I would summarise it as follows. We all have urges to act out in ways that contradict societal norms, or even natural orders. Whether this is a result of a natural inclination to want to rebel against rigid structures that often stifle individuality or creativity, or whether it’s a result of other more complex factors, research to date proves that genetic predisposition is almost negligible in the vast majority of cases. We need to accept that people are not born gay, the same way that people are not born depressed. Environmental factors in our upbringing is what determines the dominance of these behavioural tendencies and not some mysterious gene that we have no power to act against.
The power of the mind is often conveniently under estimated if acknowledging it rids us of our argument to justify our condition. I won’t suggest to know the answer to how society should deal with homosexuality. However, I think it’s disingenuous for people that choose to be gay to blame some hidden unproven force for their choice of sexual orientation, when in fact it really is a lifestyle decision that they’ve made. If every person succumbed to the fear and insecurity associated with interacting with the opposite sex, the human race would have been extinct many centuries ago.
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Confused Thoughts…Strange Experiences
A long many years ago I was approached by an old man that I didn’t know. It was after Isha salaah at a mosque that I didn’t frequent very often since it was outside of my neighbourhood. I must have been around 18 or 19 at the most at the time. Anyway, this man started chatting to me about a Shaykh at a local mosque not far from where we were, and he kept insisting that I should go there to become a mureed. I didn’t know what a mureed was, but I assumed it was a student or something. I disagreed with the concept and just nodded my head respectfully without any intention of following through.
Many years before that, I was playing in our garden when I was still a child, and I saw a very old man with a thick white beard, very long, enter our yard. I don’t recall him talking to me, and I don’t recall anyone else being around either, but the lingering memory of that experience was a pile of white hair from his beard that was trimmed at the tap in our front garden. It just lay there almost dissolving away in the running water without anyone making a fuss of it. He disappeared. It never made sense, and still doesn’t.
I once had a dream of strange over-sized chandeliers threatening to fall on me when I was trying to cross a road to get to my aunt’s house. I was scared. I kept dodging the path of the chandeliers that seemed to move along cables that my aunt controlled with some gadget she had in her hand. All this took place close to a farm town of which I have many fond memories from my childhood years. I don’t recall ever knowing the outcome of that dream. I was a child when I had that dream, but the imagery is still very vivid. Many years later, after I started working, I went to a local mosque close to where I worked, and saw chandeliers of almost exactly the same design suspended from a triple volume ceiling. I could never stop staring at those chandeliers whenever I visited that mosque over the years that I worked in that area.
Recently, I made acquaintance with some very intriguing personalities. The entire mureed issue came up again. I was exposed to some unfortunate experiences, and in seeking assistance to overcome it, I discovered that I could determine many interesting facts behind the incidents without having any real knowledge about them. A recognised and respected local Amil (one who is recognised as being gifted to be in touch with the spiritual world with which ‘normal’ people are unable to interact and who has the knowledge and ability to rid one of Jinn, Sihr, etc.) shared his insights with me about the conditions around my situation, and nothing he told me was news to me. This happened again with someone else. On both occasions, I shrugged off the suggestions that I apparently have a gift that puts me in touch with these unspoken facts, for lack of a better phrase.
I always went through life believing that my instinct about others was based on my acute sense of observation, which I honestly believed was a result of my introverted nature that allows me to recede into the shadows while observing the behaviours of others. I thought that this allowed me insight into the human psyche that most are too distracted to notice. I’m not so sure that this is the reason any more.
By the way, all my ‘instincts’ about the people around me in those trying circumstances that I experienced proved to be accurate either through the uncovering of evidence that confirmed it, or through actual admissions on the part of those that I believed were implicated in the under-handed dealings. So once again, I’m faced with the choice of choosing to be a mureed, which I am still not comfortable with, or potentially exposing myself to harm (if any of the research I’ve done is anything to go by) by not aligning with a shaykh/scholar, usually of the Sufi path.
I’m opposed to excessive interpretations of anything, regardless of madhab or sect or whatever. So the same prevents me from pledging allegiance to a specific shaykh in my endeavour to acquire more knowledge about this path that I’m on. But part of this aversion to excess is my inclination not to want to dismiss everything about any group just because some of their practices are questionable. This is a confusing space that I’m in, but I feel as if I’m on the brink of a spiritual journey that could greatly influence the rest of my life. This is truly a ramble, and isn’t nearly as cathartic as I hoped it would be. (I hate that word, ‘cathartic’. It sounds so superficial!).
That there is a significant amount of mysticism entangled in Islamic knowledge is of no doubt. The advices in numerous ahadith to recite various verses or names of Allah towards healing people through unconventional means proves that there is merit in this way that I am being exposed to. The challenge is trying to determine how much of that skill is blameworthy as taught by the Jinn to man, versus how much of it can be used to benefit man. This is all very confusing. May Allah guide me in this troubled time towards the best outcome, Insha-Allah.
