I used to openly discuss my income with people close to me. It was purely an academic discussion on my part, but was often misconstrued by even my closest family members as being an indication of my views about my worth relative to their own. Too often we base the value of our self worth on how much we earn or what level of comfort and luxury we’re able to provide for ourselves and those we’re responsible for. I don’t discuss my income anymore.
Being unemployed for almost four months now is slowly but surely eroding my self esteem and my optimism. I grapple with the idea of whether or not I’m worthy to continue to receive the mercy and blessings that I’ve had in my life despite my struggles, or have I run out of credit to claim any more from that source? I’ve felt less than inspired for a long time now to write anything, with yesterday having spawned the first post in almost a month.
My idealism persists, but the overwhelming need for affirmation from the one I love threatens to smother her as well. I would not normally need so much affirmation because my ability to provide a comfortable home and life for those around me would provide me with the sense of significance that my soul needs. But with my resources steadily running out, and downsizing looking like a very real possibility, it’s difficult to keep focused or even productive. I’m not even sure what the point of this post is.
Am I worthy? I hope I am. I guess if I don’t believe that I am, then there’d be very little reason for anyone else to see my worth either. There’s such a thin line between believing in yourself and being an egotist. I need to remind myself what I’m passionate about without waiting for someone else to rekindle those sparks for me. Most often no one wants to take on that responsibility because it demands that they be there to support you through the process as well. Life is too demanding and often too damaging for most of us to allow anyone the capacity to take on the burdens of another.
My worth cannot be defined by people, because people are fickle and selfish by nature. Nor can my worth be defined by my income because that is never guaranteed, nor always consistent. My worth is not defined by my friends or my family because they’re not in a position to judge my intentions or sincerity, only my actions. So my worth can only truly be judged by the One who sustains me, and in a smaller way, by me. My sense of self worth can only be established through selfless service to those around me. Whether my contribution is appreciated or not is not what defines me. But that I contribute, sacrifice and enrich other’s lives willingly is what had always brought joy to me, and has always given me reason to sleep peacefully at night, even if spurned by those that I serve the most.
So am I worthy? Yes, I think I am. What am I worthy of? Well, that’s a topic for another day’s philosophical musings.