I often see people needing to remind themselves that they’re enough.
Some even print out posters proclaiming “I am enough” and place it on their fridge or at their workplace, or on their mirror.
Enough for what? For whom? In what? To achieve what?
We have to convince ourselves that we’re not good enough before anyone can make us feel that way.
When you focus on whether you’re enough, you lose sight of the fact that you’re literally reducing the entirety of who you are to what you think is enough about you in only one domain of your life.
That’s usually in our social spaces.
That’s how we become defined by what we think others think of us, or what we think of ourselves through our self-criticism.
You are enough of whatever you choose to be, but first you need to see yourself clearly.
See yourself realistically, not through rose coloured spectacles, or affirmations of things you know is not true but want must be true.
The problem to solve is not to be enough, it’s to understand what you’re doing that may be counter productive to who you want to be or what you want to achieve.
Start there. Start by observing the effectiveness of your approach, your effort, your strategy, etc.
Then do something about those parts that are not as effective as they need to be.
Now you’re solving the right problems.
Being enough was always just a distraction.
Own your life.
#choices #accountability #conviction #iamenough #selfworth #selfawareness #selflove #gratitude #appreciation #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #optimisticquotes #coachzaidismail #ownyourlife
Tag: accountability
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Are you sure you’re not enough?
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Depression is not…
I saw an illustration this morning that showed a man walking with a heavy shadow weighing him down. From one tile to the next the shadow grew bigger and more daunting until eventually it got inside him turning the inside of his body into a dark cave, with a little figure of him sitting helplessly in a corner inside his body. When asked by someone else how he was doing, he simply replied that he was fine, while apparently hiding the darkness inside of him. Many who have experienced, or are experiencing depression can relate to this illustration, but not enough take the more important lesson from it. Park that thought for now.
The good thing about the recent focus on Mental Health is that they are not calling it Mental Disorders as often as they used to. I take hope wherever I can find it because this is one topic that if ever there was profiteering from the misery of others, this would be it. When trying to sell a product we generally appeal to one of three things. We appeal to vanity, we appeal to convenience, or we play on fears. Mental health is very much in the last category and is currently a multi-billion dollar industry worldwide.
The first point therefore is that depression is definitely good for business. Turning every supposedly imperfect emotional state into a disorder was the goal of the American Psychiatric Association as far back as the early 1970’s. It is for this reason that we now even have a pill to deal with shyness or modesty because we have been led to believe that it is a social anxiety disorder. As dreadful as that seems, it is hardly the worst thing about the depression industry.
Buying into this mentality provides the convenience of abdicating accountability for the uninformed or downright poor choices that we make in life. Take that accountability away and replace it with a pill, and you have a patient for life. Worse than this, you give others an excuse to claim that they are victims of an external force and can therefore not overcome this state by making better choices. Instead, medication and psychotherapy is needed. Good parenting and healthy friendships have nothing to do with it, or at least that is what they would have you believe.
We then refocus our goals on individual needs and blame society for stifling us, and in the process once again abdicate responsibility for the contribution to those around us that would build the healthy society that we all yearn for, while complaining about the cruel world that we live in. Cruel world dynamics then create more opportunity for new pills and lifestyle diseases, and suddenly the overwhelming number of health problems related to depression adds weight to the farce that depression is something we suffer from as an illness.
Back to that illustration, what we fail to realise is that the more we nurture the depressive state (that overbearing shadow of darkness) the more it will grow. Again, a choice that we make to either deal with the source of our dissatisfaction, or accept it for what it is if we are unable to change it. Unfortunately, most wait for it to miraculously change without any effort on their part, and in the process convince themselves that the universe hates them which is why they are not getting what they need to be happy.
That was deliberately flippant because if reading that angers you, then you are more likely to be predisposed to depression or feelings of oppression because you see weakness of resolve as being imposed on the individual by society, rather than seeing that the weak resolve of individuals is what allows society to define the self worth of the individual. By showing sympathy and compassion for unhealthy behaviour, we teach people that such behaviour is not their fault.
We teach them that poor choices are not because they were naive, but rather because someone else was manipulative or dishonest. As much as that is true, the resultant impact on us is directly related to what we continue to expect from them, and not what they continue to do to us. Waiting for an abusive parent or partner to be wholesome before we believe we are worthy is like putting a loaded gun in the hands of a psychopath and asking them to have mercy on us.
Our lack of conviction in what is acceptable versus what is intolerable for society to thrive as a collective and not as individual indulgences is exactly what enables the bullies, the manipulators, the deceitful, and the immoral among us. Deferring our accountability for the consequences of the choices that we’ve made in life simply emboldens the toxic ones and vilifies the victims into a state of shame or…depression.
Everyone gets it wrong. Often! But our insistence on viewing the success of others through idealistic lenses because we need to believe that we are unworthy simply provides us with comfort when we fail, because persisting in the face of adversity is only possible with the heroes among us. Like one philosopher so eloquently stated, each time we create a hero, we diminish our own capacity for greatness. Be careful who you create as a hero in your mind.
P. S. If you know which philosopher it was that said that, please let me know because I can’t seem to find the source to give due credit for it. I suspect it was Henry Thoreau but I could be mistaken.
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The Burden of Choice
Choice is that horrible thing we despise when something doesn’t work out in our favour, but it’s a right we jealously defend when things go our way. Right there is the crux of balance, but balance will remain elusive if we don’t recognise the choices that we made. That is not as basic as it sounds.
One human trait that is available in abundance is the trait of obliviousness. Not only are we often oblivious to the impact we have on others, we are equally oblivious to the choices that we make in the process. Not being aware of the impact we have is sometimes a result of being so internally focused on our needs or flaws that we don’t expect to have any meaningful impact on anyone else.
When we are so distracted by that internal focus, it is easy to assume that we are simply following the rabbit hole of our thoughts without recognising the decisions we make each time we arrive at a fork in the tunnels. Roads have daylight to warm us during the day, and stars at night to guide us. No, this is a much more daunting journey than that. We rarely travel by daylight or by moonlight when our focus is so intensely internal. That is when we are most oblivious which is quite ironical given that it is exactly such introspection that we hope to make us more aware of who we are and what our contribution to this world might be.
And thus we trundle along through those tunnels, bumping into others, sometimes torchbearers on that path, assuming that they are only there for the same reason that we are, but ignoring the fact that they have the same needs as we do. We all just express our needs differently. Right there, in that moment, with that assumption, a choice is made. A choice to engage, to trust, to assume good, or to withdraw and assume that there is no good to be achieved, or that there is no familiarity or comfort to be taken. Those are the choices that we grow oblivious to when we become so intensely focused on our journey that we lose sight of those travelling the same journey, or perhaps having travelled it already.
In the process of living so selfishly, despite our best intentions, we discard exactly what we may be in search of, and then lament not finding it. Sometimes we are reminded of such choices but grow defensive at the thought of being responsible for our own misery. Surely my sincere pursuit of happiness and enlightenment cannot be the cause of my own misery? Why didn’t someone make me aware of it? Why didn’t someone say something? Why couldn’t they just understand what I was going through? Even if all those questions are answered in the affirmative. it does not change the reality of the fact that it was choices, well-meaning but sometimes destructive choices that we make sincerely and with conviction that isolates the very blessing that we set out to acquire.
Lighthouses and travellers. The irony of this is that no one is ever only one of the two for any extended period of time. The dance of life leads us to switch roles without even realising that we are. When a lighthouse is needed, we immediately assume the position because of our desire to breathe life into that which we find wholesome, or beautiful, but just as quickly we become travellers looking to draw pleasure from that same beauty and appreciate the calming presence of the lighthouse.
If only life was static and predictable. It never is. And the dance between lighthouses and travellers remain a fluid exchange of choices that we make in that moment. The more mindfully we choose, the greater the impact of our choices on our lives. The more oblivious we are with the choices that we make the greater the impact on the lives of others.
In that lies the burden of choice. We are not only accountable for the choices we recognise. That is an easy accountability to accept. It is accepting accountability for the choices that we did not intend to make that determines our authenticity and often, it determines the quality of the relationships that contribute towards the joy and comfort that we experience in life. Neglect these out of fear of being accountable for causing harm or pain, and you will find yourself troubled by consequences that seemingly have no good reason to happen to a good person. And that, I believe is one of the reasons why bad things happen to good people.
P. S. I think it’s human to be oblivious simply because of the scale of distractions that we are exposed to all the time. Therefore, it is in becoming aware (after the fact) of the unintended harm that tests whether our ego is driven towards humility and accountability, or arrogance and deniability. -
Opportunistic Abdication
It’s no secret that I have contentious views about the human psyche and what makes us behave the way that we do. That there are tons of differing opinions on the subject is also obviously clear, probably the majority of which either conflicts with, or directly contradicts my views. Many of those contradictory views are presented by individuals that are celebrated academics in fields of psychology and science. Their point of departure is typically one of biology, or scientific theory, and rarely acknowledges the existence of a seat of intelligence external to the physical form of the human condition. In other words, every scientific approach to trying to understand the human condition by implication of their lack of understanding of their own science, sets out on the prejudicial path of denouncing the existence of what all humans experience as the soul.
The fact that the soul has been unfairly associated with a religious dogma about its purpose is a separate matter. But it is this same association that scientists (and I use that term loosely given how often it is proclaimed by anyone that undertakes research of an academic basis) have used to denounce its relevance. The failings of such an approach has always been quite obvious to me. If scientists were to lay claim to the existence of something that was so intricately woven into religious scripture, they would find themselves caught up in the web of deciphering religious doctrine, much of which has been distorted and fabricated over the millennia. However, their aversion to religion is exactly what undermines their theories regarding the human condition because it prevents them from considering the whole of who we are.
Questions of morality and justice aside, blatant questions relating to infinite regression and the origin of all origins are quickly dismissed as pointless the moment the scientific community is challenged to provide either evidence of, or a reasonable explanation as to how everything we experience came into being. The moment something appears seemingly impossible to explain, it is dismissed as a fruitless endeavour and attention is immediately redirected towards that which they can apparently explain. The ludicrous theory of evolution being one such indulgence.
When atrocities are carried out in the name of science, then there is no effort to associate those atrocities with the irreligious affiliations that influenced such atrocities. It is far more convenient to only pursue such associations of atrocities with religious subscription where there may be evidence of the same. In essence, it is this convenience that the scientific community indulges in that begins the erosion of their claim as authorities on the human condition. Selectively framing a theory is nothing but opportunism and an indulgence of the ego. But alas, the ego is something that everyone wants to recognise in others, but for which most prefer not to acknowledge within themselves.
To separate the ego from the human condition is to firstly stigmatise it negatively, which is confirmation of human prejudice (ironically ego-driven prejudice), and secondly, it is indicative of a lack of understanding of the human psyche. The ego is a manifestation of what we experience as being the personification of our preferences to be a certain way. Everything from values, preferences, beliefs, and biases, to habits and perceptions, and more all combine to form what we experience as the ego. It is not separate from us, it is not an entity within us, it simply is who we are.
A quick Google of the term revealed the following:
ego
/ˈiːɡəʊ,ˈɛːɡəʊ/
noun
a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
“he needed a boost to his ego”synonyms: self-esteem, self-importance, self-worth, self-respect, self-conceit, self-image, self-confidence; amour propre
“he needed a boost to his ego”PSYCHOANALYSIS
the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.PHILOSOPHY
(in metaphysics) a conscious thinking subject.‘A part of the mind’ is an interesting way to refer to it because the mind itself cannot be adequately defined. Another quick Google of the term ‘mind’ and it becomes plainly clear how anomalous these terms are when trying to lock it down as a scientific truth.
mind
/mʌɪnd/
noun
1.
the element of a person that enables them to be aware of the world and their experiences, to think, and to feel; the faculty of consciousness and thought.
“a lot of thoughts ran through my mind”synonyms: brain, intelligence, intellect, intellectual capabilities, mental capacity, brains, brainpower, wits, wit, powers of reasoning, powers of comprehension, powers of thought, understanding, reasoning, judgement, sense, mentality, perception;
2.
a person’s ability to think and reason; the intellect.
“his keen mind”synonyms: brain, intelligence, intellect, intellectual capabilities, mental capacity, brains, brainpower, wits, wit, powers of reasoning, powers of comprehension, powers of thought, understanding, reasoning, judgement, sense, mentality, perception
The point of this exercise is to confirm that the approach to defining or unpacking the human condition from a so-called scientific perspective is nothing but smoke and mirrors. Until scientists find the conviction to acknowledge what it is that defies their logic, they will never be able to grasp the true nature of the human condition because it will lay to waste much of their theoretical fallacies in this regard.
To set aside the ego as being externally triggered and manipulated because of some evolutionary process is to abdicate responsibility for our ability to consciously choose right from wrong. What defines that right from wrong is again a result of our active subscription to a value system that we as human beings define for ourselves. The origins of those value systems will continue to be debated between detractors of all sides, until the day when it will eventually become self-evident. But my or your belief in whether or not that day will arrive should not taint our approach to unpacking the human condition in a way that reflects our true experience of it simply because it is an inconvenient truth.
We constantly dismiss divine origins of our state because we cannot fathom the cruelty of a mind that would impose harm on others for no reason other than to feel powerful. As long as we limit ourselves to observing only those symptomatic outcomes of a downtrodden soul we will never be able to fully appreciate why such aspirational goals are sought after by those that were raised to either feel entitled to such authority over others, or were raised to feel the hardship of being subdued by those with such authority over them.
The Egosystem is not independent of who we are, nor is it independent of every moment of our lives. It is simply the beauty of the human mind that is a manifestation of everything that we claim makes us human. Trying to limit that humanness to chemical imbalances, or evolutionary theory smacks of arrogant opportunism to wish away the very soul that sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. It is an ironical indulgence of the ego to wish away the ego as being something external to our ability to consciously choose based on personal subscription to a frame of reference that we individually believe will result in the harmony that everyone seeks in this lifetime.
Abdication of accountability for our choices is exactly what results in the harm rather than the harmony that we impose on others, and in turn the same that they impose on us. The fact that we can always choose to reciprocate harm with harm, or instead break that cycle of destruction and instead reciprocate with good is further evidence of the fact that chemicals do not define who we are. Instead, we define our chemical state through conscious thought.
The failing of academia is that it was established to further human intelligence, but instead has proven to be a distraction from the same by failing to recognise that the infinite beauty in the detail is what defines the magnanimity of the whole. Instead of stepping back and appreciating this splendour, we delve further into an isolated piece of study and try to claim authority and significance in that by hoping to reveal to the world our brilliance in finding the origin of origins, or the source of what plagues human kind. Humans plague human kind when they severe their ties with what bonds us all in kindness and mercy. The erosion of trust in society because of the pursuit of individualistic greed both materially and emotionally has led to the stench that we all now despise.
The ecosystem of the world has been contaminated by the Egosystems of us. Yet we continue to search for answers everywhere but within our own souls. Abdication of accountability does not eradicate the disastrous consequences of our actions. It only defers the moment in which such accountability will be brought to bear on the collective until one of us chooses to act on behalf of all of us. Hopefully, when we reach that point, it will be as contagious as when we reached the point of self-indulgence being a priority, and community being a burden.
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Mindfully Distracted
Mindfulness seems to be the next big binge for self help gurus. I don’t consider myself a self help guru by any stretch of the imagination. However, this does not prevent me from being critical about those that claim to guide others towards self improvement when in fact their guidance merely encourages distractions, or coping mechanisms instead. In its most basic form, mindfulness can be described as the ability to observe while suspending judgement or bias. In other words, don’t jump to conclusions just because what you’re observing or witnessing appears to be a familiar sight relative to a previous experience.
The easy bit of advice would therefore be to suspend judgement and bias. Do that, and suddenly you’re mindful. Right? No. Not so easy. Judgement and bias are innate qualities that guide us through life. Even if we try to be non-judgmental about something, we need a frame of reference as to what being judgemental would be. Once we have that frame of reference, we then consciously choose to subdue parts of it in favour of exploring the possibility that something may be different about what we’re witnessing in that moment. The parts we don’t subdue are the limits of boundaries that we define for what is acceptable in that circumstance. In other words, we encounter a moment of willingness to be informed of something we didn’t previously consider while recognising that some things remain non-negotiable. Take that to the extreme, and it means that we acknowledge that there is a possibility that we may not be fully aware of the circumstances and nuances of what we’re experiencing. This forces us to be more alert and more adaptable because we realise that the outcome is potentially unpredictable, but not necessarily a threat to us.
However, if we recognise that we may not be fully aware of the circumstances and nuances but have a greater desire to appear to be authoritative or in control, we’re more likely to grow aggressive, defensive, or simply obnoxious about how we deal with the situation at hand, often undermining the rights and feelings of others in the process. This response is grounded in insecurity about how we see ourselves, versus how we want others to perceive us. Unfortunately some people are so entrenched in their beliefs about themselves, that considering that they may be wrong about something completely disrupts their composure, which makes them aggressive, passive aggressive, or evasive. At the root of it all is a desire to be significant in that moment.
When we desire significance, we adapt our approach towards that which we believe would encourage acceptance and admiration from those we’re interacting with. If we believe we are capable of winning such admiration and respect, our confidence grows and we become more bold and charming in our presentation of our views or the delivery of our message. However, if we doubt our ability to be convincing in that regard, we feel threatened because a show of incompetence may lead to an erosion of significance. If the audience we’re with could meaningfully influence the quality of our life, we’ll restrain the aggression and put more effort into appearing amenable to alternate perspectives. Stated differently, we try not to be offensive in our response because we believe that their acceptance of us is core to our wellbeing. This induces stress which then demands an outlet if not handled well.
Take the above scenario and change the audience to one that we do not view as being influential on our quality of life, and suddenly our response is very different. Instead of restraining ourselves, we speak our minds, go on the attack to demand significance, and disregard any concerns about how they may view us. Incidentally, we do the same with those that we believe are less likely or unable to reject us if we behave in such an abrasive manner. That could be because of our belief in how reliant they are on us, and therefore would be forced to agree with us. This similar to those times that we felt compelled to be amenable with those characters that we didn’t agree with, but who had authority over us that could significantly affect our quality of life. For example, a boss that could fire us if we spoke openly about what we didn’t like about our job or how they were running things. Of course, sometimes we behave abrasively because the subconscious boundaries that we set for ourselves are being breached.
But how does all of this tie into mindfulness? Each time we get a sense of dread or elation, we’re automatically distracted by the assumption we hold of the probability of the outcome, be it negative or positive. Whether we’re proven right or wrong, in that moment, we lose mindfulness and instead assume a disposition relative to a preempted outcome. It’s for this same reason that we sometimes get hit from out of the blue when something is going so well, but without warning, turns sour. At other times, something that we expect to turn out badly goes really well. In both instances, the hints at how things are going may be so subtle that unless we’re open to observing them, they’re easily missed.
The reality is, we’re human. Our emotional make up is more complex than we could possibly imagine which is why we’re each so unique, even when we try to mimic others. There is always something that sets us apart, sometimes in ways that we like, but often in ways that we don’t. Hence the masses that incline towards fandom rather than defining their own unique path.
The trick therefore is to find the balance between being mindful to the point of being mechanical, versus being emotionally responsive to the point of being irrational. When we recognise and accept our humanness, we’ll be less inclined towards feeling threatened and instead, we’ll find it easier to be accepting of the humanness of others. Developing a habit of reining ourselves in during those moments of dread or elation will allow us to savour the good moments and learn from the bad, without feeling whimsical or threatened in the process.
In between all that a creative outlet is needed to allow for the freedom of expression that does not restrain us relative to the views or expectations of others, because if you look back at all you’ve just read, you’ll realise that everything is about how we are perceived or how we want to be perceived by others. That’s why it gets complicated. That’s why we search for soul mates and kindred spirits. Without them, we find ourselves slowly depleting our energy reserves without getting that boost of inspiration because we have a lack of safe spaces for free expression that defines us based on our convictions and desires, rather than on what we believe we are expected to do for others.
Meditation or prayer is what gives us retrospective pause to realise where on that treadmill of life we find ourselves. Mindfulness is what reduces our need for such deliberate reflection. And sometimes, without realising it, we become distracted in our efforts to be mindful, while allowing moments of excitement, joy, or exasperation to escape us because we are too busy observing the individual components that make up that wholesome experience.
Welcome to the pit of quick sand we often refer to as the human condition.
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The Purpose of Life?
In my efforts to discover the true meaning of life, I keep thinking about the differences between the principles of atheists and theists. The former professes that there is nothing beyond this and therefore whatever we do we either get punished or rewarded for it in this life but entirely within our control with no consequences beyond death. The latter professes that of everything we do in this life, we’ll reap the rewards or punishment in full in the after-life, whilst also benefiting, or being required to persevere in this life, which ultimately adds to the rewards in the after-life.
If we are to assume that the atheists are right, I can’t help but wonder how that would play out because there’s so many more questions that arise as to the purpose of life. If we only had this lifetime to worry about, then why restrain ourselves at all? I mean, if I go off the deep end and abuse, molest and destroy anyone and everything at whim, why should I bother about the repercussions if I believe that there is no accountability for a life poorly lived except whatever physical pain, suffering or discomfort is imposed by my fellow man in this lifetime? Why should I entertain the idea of wanting to improve the quality of life of others if any efforts of mine cease to benefit me the moment I die? Why should I care if others live a better life as a result of my efforts? Shouldn’t my efforts then be solely focused on my own gratification since I will only reap the rewards during this lifetime? And since this lifetime will occur only once without any second chances, isn’t it even more critical that I not waste any time in benefiting others unless there’s an inherent benefit for me? This potentially starts a vicious cycle of licentiousness since instant gratification is all we should live for given that we could die at any moment, and given that there would be no account after death.
Now let’s assume that the theists are right.
Suddenly my moral compass would be guided by the dangling carrot of a reward that far outstrips my efforts, and makes my sacrifices seem noble. Because now, I can focus on improving the lives of others, treating them with kindness and all those other wholesome ideals, while living in perpetual hope of attaining a state of bliss that will cause me to instantly regret why I didn’t sacrifice more or apply myself in even greater measures during my lifetime. Suddenly, I need to make the most of this lifetime because it is a precursor to a much greater experience. It’s almost as if I’m earning my credentials to lay claim to a specific level of comfort or pleasure in the next life. So I need to follow specific rules and live within specific guidelines that ultimately work towards determining my quality of life in eternity.
But here’s the real clincher for me. Assuming that the atheists are right, theists would live an equally inconsequential life within the context of the individual, but would inherently be driven to strive more for their fellow man than atheists. To me, the logic dictates that atheism depends on the benevolence of the individual, whereas theism depends on the benevolence of the Creator. Given the state of this world, it’s safe to assume that benevolence in man is a rare commodity, and I call it a commodity because we live in a time when everything has a price. Look at the disparity between the spend and effort to resolve first world problems versus third world problems, and immediately the void of benevolence in man is blatantly obvious.
So how does it end? We already protect profit margins more than we protect life, that’s why we pay trillions in bail outs to help those nations that refuse to live within their means, and count every penny and attach inhumane conditions to the contributions we make to feed a starving child, or provide drinking water to the thirsty. The attribute of humanity itself, except by individual choice, is not a prerequisite to live a life as an atheist, whereas it is a precondition to achieve anything meaningful as a theist. So what’s the point? I guess, for me, the point is that if my life were to cease to have meaning beyond my current existence, I would have lived a more fulfilling life as a theist than an atheist, although it can be argued that the selfless efforts of an atheist are potentially more sincere than those of a theist.
However, judging the intentions of man is impossible, even by the one reflecting on their own intentions, and therefore the measure of sincerity cannot weigh in on this argument. Self-preservation drives most of our motives, and therefore, in the absence of accountability to a greater power, or at least the belief in such, what else would there be to keep us honest and true?
