Peace is not the absence of drama, nor is it the avoidance of life. Yet, I find myself bemused by so many who believe that avoidance is a sustainable way to find peace, or happiness. It isn’t. Avoidance is merely a delay of the inevitable.
Inevitability has always been such a complicated subject. Otherwise seen as fate, destiny, karma, or even manifestation, we convince ourselves that our failings and sometimes even our successes are a result of such larger-than-life forces at play in our lives. I think that’s how we satisfy our ego when we find it difficult to accept that we’re out of control.
The myth of control offers a temporary comfort. Predictability assures those who have grown weary of change. That weariness is the threat that I have been fending off for some time now. Sometimes I embrace it deliberately hoping that it will find space within me, but it never does. If anything, it leaves me restless. As restless as I once was when I realised that there was no gentle hand to show me the ropes of life. Of course, that realisation came long after I had already sunk my teeth into creating a life out of the dreary reality that surrounded me.
Why I felt a need to create something better than what I had rather than finding peace within those circumstances is what occupies my mind on most days when I have space to reflect. It’s the same struggle that brings so many to my door looking for answers about the ravages of the obliviousness of others, the worst being our obliviousness to the impact that we have well beyond our range of visibility.
Peace is lost in those moments when we peer ahead instead of glancing around at our immediate vicinity. What lies ahead in the distance is hope and aspiration. What confronts us immediately is the probability of achieving any of it. Most wish away what they see around them because they’re so desperate for that mirage that they behold in their mind’s eye. Some find a meaningful pursuit between where they’re at and what they wish to reach, and they appear purposeful and resolute as a result. But there is a group who see a little more than that. They see what surrounds them, they see what is in the distance, they see the path between the two, but they also see the impact that they have on those who have rights over them. Choosing how to expend themselves between those demands then becomes the source of what robs them of their peace.
I resonate most with the latter group. The group that feels responsible when others feel free of obligation. The group that sees but is not seen. That hears but is rarely heard. That understands but is misunderstood. And though that may appear self-indulgent, if not smacking with self-pity, it isn’t. It simply is the reality presented by the evidence of a life of resolve to figure out how it all works. Sometimes I consider if perhaps that is the purpose of life, but then I also realise that if it were, what would be the point of advancement if the only endeavour is to understand the here and now?
That there is more to life than figuring it out is clear. What more there is to life, however, remains a slowly unravelling secret that will hopefully avail itself before I have exhausted my breaths in the pursuit of everything intended to unlock that greater purpose. Nonetheless, in its pursuit I have found joys and depths that have enamoured me in my journey that most view with confusion at best, or disdain at worst, neither of which has given me cause to alter my trajectory.
In that has been my greatest liberation and my greatest test, the combination of which leaves me eternally perplexed. Peace is still a distance away.
Does this resonate?