Tag: parenting

  • Generational what?

    Generational what?

    The true destruction caused by our insecurities is that it destroys the good that we’re supposed to be creating in the lives of those around us.

    Insecurity isn’t always displayed through anger or defensiveness.

    Most often, to hide our insecurity, we over-compensate in spaces where we feel competent, so that we can avoid or distract attention away from that which we’re insecure about.

    Like focusing on being a hard-working father or a dutiful mother because we don’t know how to show up emotionally for our children.

    Or focusing on our children’s education at all costs, without connecting with the little humans behind that life of responsibility for which we’re preparing them.

    Or preparing them to take over the family business because they must appreciate tradition or legacy.

    As always, we can’t give what we don’t have. That’s why we can only give what we received.

    The problem is, we’re always so focused on what we didn’t receive from the roles of fathers and mothers in our lives, that we didn’t pause to consider that there were fragile humans behind those roles as well.

    Like us, our parents also have their insecurities as humans, but duty and responsibility also distracted them from realising that the anxiety about the future, or the frustration about the present was a sign that their emotional wellbeing was not where it needed to be.

    Thus, they focused on duty and responsibility, in the hope that we would be better at it than they were, not realising that we needed to feel seen and heard beyond duty or expectation.

    That’s how good intentions driven by a low self-worth can cause destruction while we think we’re creating good.

    That’s how generational trauma or unhealthy family values are passed down without realising it.

    If always starts with you.



  • Do you practice self-serving justice?

    Do you practice self-serving justice?

    The matter of justice doesn’t only apply to matters of criminal behaviour or social conduct, but it’s especially true for how we conduct ourselves within our family units.

    It’s the injustices that we experience within our families that result in the misconduct that we express in our lives.

    That injustice doesn’t always feel like a blatant abuse. Often, it’s a subtle avoidance of doing what’s right, or speaking out against family norms that are harmful to some.

    When we benefit from such injustice, we find it acceptable, or at least defensible, to remain silent.

    The way we benefit from it includes enjoying the inclusion or sense of belonging to the family unit.

    It includes winning favour with he heads of the family, or earning our place at the table of the family business, or even securing our inheritance.

    That’s when we become party to the injustice that affects even us, but from places that we assume to be detached from our family unit.

    Injustice in the home is the root of injustice in this world.

    First do right by your own before you go out into the world to do right by others.

    This is not charity. It is justice in its truest form.

  • Your world. Your worries.

    Your world. Your worries.

    I walked on the lawn with bare feet the other day.

    For a moment my senses were teased and I felt grounded.

    I gazed around the garden and looked past the sprouting indigenous trees, and instead noticed the chores left unfinished, or new ones that begged for my attention.

    I walked on and paid little attention to them because the lawn felt so good beneath my feet.

    In that moment I knew that even the reality of this world and all its worries could not rob me of the fascination of that moment.

    But no sooner had that thought occurred that I found myself robbing myself of that which the world was unable to take from me.

    That’s when I realised that I willingly give up that peace, or that moment of beauty, when I allow myself or others to contaminate it by worrying about that which I can’t change or influence in that very moment.

    The most common cause of such worry is self-pity, feverish self-pity is driven by our belief that no one cares enough to share our load, or consider our needs.

    Self-pity is driven by ingratitude.

    That ingratitude is not only for what others contribute, in their own way, towards our lives, but especially ingratitude for how much value we’re able to contribute towards others if we didn’t worry about getting credit for it.

    Focus on the value that you can create in the world around you, and your gratitude for who you are will create the peace in your heart that you’re so desperately in need of.

    It always starts with you.


  • Home breakers

    Home breakers

    Those who live with the expectation of receiving what they need, rather than putting in the effort to create it with their own heart and hands, will take for granted that which others have exhausted themselves building.

    Like a home. There are too many who expect to feel at home because of their material contribution, but don’t know what it takes to create that homely feeling.

    Providing the house doesn’t make it a home. Nor does cleaning the house make it a home.

    Buying the groceries doesn’t make an endearing family meal. Nor does cooking it.

    What connects our efforts with the hearts of those around us is not in the material or dutiful contribution that we make. It’s in the love and appreciation that accompanies how we treat ourselves and them, that connects our hearts and creates a home.

    Those who were raised in an environment where their responsibility was more important than their emotional needs will find it easier to judge the quality of their relationships based on what they get from it, rather than how they’re loved or appreciated.

    True love and appreciation will automatically result in wanting to create that homely feeling, or that endearing family meal.

    Without that love and appreciation, love becomes a transaction, and a check list of things to do so that we avoid blame when things go wrong.

    The better we are at that check list, the more we believe we’re truly loving and appreciating life. Until we stop getting what we need.

    But, as always, you can’t give what you don’t have.

    If you treat yourself like a commodity, your affection for others will be based on the fear of not having them around, or not getting what you need from them.

    Who they are and what they need will not feature at all. Sadly, you probably won’t even be aware of it when you’re in that state.

    That’s why self awareness is so important. Because it always, always starts with you.

  • Celebrate the dead. Discard the living.

    Celebrate the dead. Discard the living.

    Ever notice how often people are revered when they’ve passed on, but the same people were neglected, ignored, or even treated badly while they were alive?

    Sometimes the reverse is also true. The one who passed on may have left a path of destruction in the lives of those around them, but because of their social standing or their role in their family, they’re revered to the point of exaggerating their good while dismissing the impact that they had on those who were victim to their ways.

    Some would have us believe that it’s because we must not disparage the dead. Which is true. We shouldn’t.

    But does that also mean that we must exaggerate their good to the point of diminishing the damage or harm that they caused?

    The reason we do this is not out of respect for the dead, but more likely because it draws attention to our virtue.

    It’s easier to demonstrate such kindness towards the dead, because they have no expectation from us to follow through with sincerity or commitment towards how important we say they are in our lives.

    If we were truly committed to establishing good, we would place as much emphasis on remedying the harm that they caused, while remembering the good that they did.

    If we don’t, we end up revering the dead to the detriment of the living, thereby reinforcing the harm that the deceased caused, and further oppressing those who are already struggling with the impact of the harm done to them by the deceased.

    That’s how we enable generational trauma.

    That’s how we create more harm for the victims of those oppressors who have passed on.

    That’s how we become part of that cycle of harm.


  • Allow your children to be their own person

    Allow your children to be their own person

    We always have good intentions when we strive to give our children everything that we didn’t have.

    Often, this includes protecting them from the hardships or difficulties that we experienced.

    Unfortunately, when we do this, we end up protecting them from reality, and in the process, we deny them the very life lessons that taught us to appreciate what we have.

    This is one of the most common reasons for kids growing up to be timid, entitled, or disrespectful…or all of the above.

    Hardships and difficulties are character building experiences.

    Find a way that strikes a balance between allowing them to experience it, and providing guidance and support as they navigate their way through it.

    Too many assume that hardship is a denial of a good life.

    It’s not.

    Allow them to earn their privileges so that they’ll experience gratitude and fulfilment when they achieve it.

    Lastly, when you shy away from something that weighs you down, or you try to hide it from them, you’re teaching them to feel ashamed of getting things wrong, or failing at achieving goals.

    That’s how we raise them with a value system that conflicts with the kind of humans that we want them to be.

    Be mindful of your rule as a parent, but more than this, be mindful of your contribution as a human being.

    It always starts with you.

  • We’re all searching for home

    We’re all searching for home

    Remember, at some point someone also looked at you in your childhood and thought, “Damn, is this what the future looks like for humanity?”

    Our children have the best of us and the worst of us, and somewhere between those ends they form their own unique character.

    If you hope to understand them, you need to begin by understanding yourself.

    The same way that you didn’t raise yourself, neither did they.

    Therefore, when looking for answers about their behaviour, there is no reason to look any further than the people who have the greatest influence in their lives, their parents, or those fulfilling such parental roles.

    And if you’re a single parent, don’t assume that absent parents don’t hold such influence.

    Often, they hold more influence than the one who stuck around.

    Dealing with the influence of a problematic parent who is present is easier than figuring out the impact of the parent who is absent.

    Either way, understanding is more important than judging.

    Children behave badly when they struggle to find an emotionally safe space for themselves in this world.

    Understanding how this manifests in their behaviour is the secret to raising an adult with a healthy self-esteem, or a troubled child in an adult’s body with adult privilege.

    And don’t forget that you’re raising an adult, not a child.

    So speak to the human behind that bad behaviour and don’t only focus on correcting, through discipline and consequence management, the bad behaviour.

    If you only focus on discipline, you’ll lose the human and repeat the cycle of the problematic parent who themselves also continue to struggle for their place in this world.

  • Father : A silent duty

    Father : A silent duty

    Fathers are often overlooked or forgotten, because they’re seldom in the limelight.

    Silently serving in the background, they often do what is seen as just their job, or their duty.

    Not wired with an overt nurturing instinct, but rather that of a silent sentinel, ensuring their family’s safety and comfort, they often grow accustomed to being in the background, creating the spaces needed for their family to thrive.

    When we expect fathers to behave in a similar way to mothers, we diminish their contribution and their sacrifices.

    When we expect fathers to show up like mothers, we under estimate their emotional needs, and ignore their silent pleas for gratitude.

    When we expect fathers to experience emotion and sentiment in the same way that mothers do, we assume that they were gifted with the beauty of connecting with a soul growing within them, not realising that they were always on the outside looking in.

    There is a bond between mother and child that a father will never experience because of the sanctity of childbirth. Perhaps that is why fathers will always find a different way to express their love for their family compared to mothers.

    Honour your father by recognising his struggle and efforts without finding reason to judge him compared to your mother.

    And if you find he is falling short anyway, approach him with understanding, believing that the gentleness you wish to experience with him lies beneath that seemingly impenetrable exterior that developed only because he quietly accepted his place as a provider and forgot to nurture his own emotional needs.

    And to the fathers who show up despite not knowing how it is done because they didn’t have the loving guide of a mentor in their lives, I especially salute you. Breaking cycles of toxic dysfunction is never easy, and is often excruciatingly lonely.

    So if no one else notices you today, I do. With love, appreciation, and respect.

    Happy father’s day.

    #fatherson