Our relationship with our father, whether they’re present or absent, still with us or passed on, shapes how we feel about ourselves more than any other influencing factor in our lives.
It’s not about whether they were good or bad as humans or as parents, but rather what we took from our experiences with them, or what we took from their absence.
A father who is absent because he has to work long hours to provide for his family, could still have a positive impact if he is not harsh and impatient with his children when he does have a few moments to share with them.
Similarly, a father who is present but always fixated on rules, boundaries, rituals, and the like, will create an emotional barrier between him and his children that will convince them that who they are doesn’t matter, and that what they achieve is all that matters.
That directly conflicts with our core human need to be of significance.
What we take, or what we believe to have been their motivation to be that way towards us in our early years, is what shapes how we show up for others in our later years.
Most people who have had a difficult relationship with their father know exactly how they don’t want to do things, or how they don’t want to be as parents, but that doesn’t mean that they know how to achieve what they want in their relationship with their children.
That’s how, without meaning to, we often become exactly like the parent/so that we once judged harshly for failing us as a parent.
The most effective way to break this cycle is to understand the true reasons why your father may not have been what you needed him to be despite his best intentions or efforts.
It’s only in seeing the demons of others that we will realise that how they showed up for us was not because of who we are, but rather because of how our needs from them provoked the demons that they were grappling with.
That’s how we learn from the shortcomings of others, rather than falling into the same deficiencies because we think we’re better than them.
See the human behind the role and you’ll feed the soul of those who desperately need it.
#parenting #narcissist #narcissisticabuse #lifecoaching #zaidismail #toxicparents
Tag: absentparents
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The struggle for self-worth
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Getting it wrong
Life has never been simple, and only threatens to become more complicated with each day that passes.
Sometimes I flirt with the idea that perhaps I was destined to struggle with so much so that I can learn the lessons that need to be learnt to share them with others.
But my gut says that is not true.
“Whatever ill you experience is sent forth by your own hands.”
A verse from the Qur’an that is always a stark reminder that life is always more difficult when you are unaware of the full breadth of the consequences of your choices and decisions.
The less wisdom you have about life when you set out to create one from very little at your disposal, the more mistakes you must make to acquire the wisdom that others simply inherited from a wholesome upbringing.
Comparing notes is forever an indulgence in self-pity. That’s why I never compare notes.
Whenever I find myself on the wrong end of the life that I thought i was creating, I take a moment to pause.
To reflect.
To catch my breath.
To understand.
Then I shrug off the self-pity and forge ahead once more.
If the best efforts of my life will result in nothing more than misery, then I want to be damn certain that it’s a misery that I choose and not one imposed by others.
And in the process, I’ll laugh heartily and mock cynically at my repeated attempts to figure things out by myself.
Because when you don’t have a gentle hand guiding you through life, you need to brace yourself for colourful experiences.
The moment you stop to lament the absence of that gentle hand, you’ll lose yourself to its absence, and become one with the harshness of the world that has no place for innocent mistakes.
You don’t need others to be kind to you before you learn how to be kind to yourself.
Nor do you need others to be supportive before you believe, with conviction, in what is important to you.
Any excuse about not pursuing the life that you want because of the absence of support from others is nothing but an excuse that denies you the value of who you are.
The trials that we face are the unintended consequences of the decisions that others have made, while the ill that we experience is the unintended consequences of our own poorly informed decisions.
Strive towards not being a trial for others by being more mindful and diligent about the decisions that you make for yourself.
And when you get it wrong, allow yourself to be human, own your mistakes, and try again.
Life was never designed to be mastered on the first attempt.
Where would be the fun in that? -
We’re all searching for home
Remember, at some point someone also looked at you in your childhood and thought, “Damn, is this what the future looks like for humanity?”
Our children have the best of us and the worst of us, and somewhere between those ends they form their own unique character.
If you hope to understand them, you need to begin by understanding yourself.
The same way that you didn’t raise yourself, neither did they.
Therefore, when looking for answers about their behaviour, there is no reason to look any further than the people who have the greatest influence in their lives, their parents, or those fulfilling such parental roles.
And if you’re a single parent, don’t assume that absent parents don’t hold such influence.
Often, they hold more influence than the one who stuck around.
Dealing with the influence of a problematic parent who is present is easier than figuring out the impact of the parent who is absent.
Either way, understanding is more important than judging.
Children behave badly when they struggle to find an emotionally safe space for themselves in this world.
Understanding how this manifests in their behaviour is the secret to raising an adult with a healthy self-esteem, or a troubled child in an adult’s body with adult privilege.
And don’t forget that you’re raising an adult, not a child.
So speak to the human behind that bad behaviour and don’t only focus on correcting, through discipline and consequence management, the bad behaviour.
If you only focus on discipline, you’ll lose the human and repeat the cycle of the problematic parent who themselves also continue to struggle for their place in this world.
#parenting #children #understanding #absentparents #teenagers #teens #selfworth #selflove #selfawareness #selfrespect #mindfulness #theegosystem #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #theegosystem #ownyourlife #lifecoaching #zaidismail
