Category: Life Coaching

  • Don’t pay it forward

    Don’t pay it forward

    Vengeance is easier than understanding.

    Bitterness is easier than forgiveness.

    Mirroring the behaviour of those who treated us badly is easier than rising up to be better than them.

    Each time we choose the easier path, we become the very monsters and degenerates that created the hurt and pain in our lives.

    Too often, we raise our children with harshness because we are afraid of spoiling them.

    Recognise that such fear never inspires moderation or a wholesome approach to life.

    If you treat your children the same way that you were treated, understand that you will lose them to the world because they will despise what you stand for and discard any good you tried to teach them.

    Your children have more options to choose a different path than you ever did. Give them reason to connect with the value of choosing the path that you believe will be good for them rather than simply demanding compliance with your rules or boundaries.

    Parents with unresolved childhood trauma at the hands of their own emotionally inaccessible parents raise emotionally stinted children who need to escape the reality of life rather than embrace its beauty or opportunity.

    If you want to break the cycle of abuse, the cycle of generational trauma, the cycle of harshness and detachment, or the cycle of dysfunction, you must first recognise its roots within yourself.

    It always starts with you.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Recognise your demons

    Recognise your demons

    Some of the most disheartening moments we may experience include trying to help someone we care about while they reject our efforts.

    The harder we try, the more they resist.

    The more persistent we are, the greater their anger or bitterness towards us.

    Most often, it’s not because of who we are or what we’re trying to do.

    Most often, it’s because we represent the source of the shame that they are grappling with.

    When someone feels inadequate, or like a failure, being around those who are composed, or appear successful feels like a threat to them because it risks highlighting their lack of achievement.

    Sometimes, just being a good person while standing next to a self-loathing person is enough to bring out the rage in them.

    Not because we tried to make them feel bad about their state, but because in our presence, their reasons for self-loathing were intensified.

    Despite our best intentions in that moment, if we don’t realise that we represent what they detest about themselves, we’ll blame ourselves for not being good enough, when in fact the opposite was true.

    As much as we may want to fight the demons of the ones we love, we must understand that some demons are a creation of their own minds, and can therefore only be fought themselves, or with those who don’t appear as a threat to revealing their shame.

    If you need assistance in supporting someone you love through such an episode in their lives, or if you are the one grappling with this, reach out via my website at zaidismail.com or on WhatsApp at +27836599183 and together we can create the life that you’ve always wanted.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock


  • Own your self-worth

    Own your self-worth

    Before we can allow the world to define us, we have to first give up what we believe to be true about ourselves.

    I’ve seen so many test their significance in the lives of significant others, and when they don’t get the affection or inclusion that they want, they readily assume that it’s because they’re not good enough.

    Why are we so inclined towards questioning our value, instead of seeing the complete human in the other person?

    To see that complete human, we can’t dehumanise them by assuming that they are free of the self-doubt or insecurities that we may be struggling with.

    We all just conceal our faults through different defences.

    One of those defences is to appear aloof or uninterested in response to a show of affection from others because we’re afraid of rejection or disappointment.

    We protect ourselves by only allowing safe options into our personal space.

    Remember: if you appear too confident or composed in front of another, they may see it as a threat to revealing their lack of confidence.

    Think about that the next time you don’t get the warm reception you were hoping for and decide to convince yourself that you weren’t good enough.

    Everyone has their demons that they’re struggling with. Don’t always make it about yourself.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Waiting to live…

    Waiting to live…

    When we are raised in an environment focused on discipline before purpose, or compliance before understanding, we develop the belief that fitting in is more important than who we are.

    This same mindset leads us to be bullish in our efforts to uphold the status quo because of the inclusion that it offers, while violently rejecting any opinions that challenge our cultural heritage or traditions.

    The need to belong, to be validated by that social structure smothers any passion to contribute towards improving anything, because we’re led to believe that our traditions have already perfected everything.

    Thus, the unique expression of the individual is snuffed out, only to be replaced by a militancy of spirit that is celebrated as devout submission.

    Critical thinking is abandoned in favour of academic prowess, and without realising it, indoctrination is readily believed to be higher education.

    All this leads to the subservient mindset that needs permission before choosing consciously, or seeks permission before thinking independently.

    That’s how cycles of abuse are maintained, and the unique contribution of the individual is seen as an offence against the collective.

    Everyone must know their place to uphold a power structure that reveres the powerful, while enslaving the minds of the masses.

    And that is how the masses, the average soul, grows to believe that unless they have permission to break the bleak and toxic cycles of their lives, they have no choice but to comply quietly for the greater good of society.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Live, and let die…

    Live, and let die…

    Sometimes, our setbacks in life can feel as if our world is coming to an end.

    In many ways, it does spell the end of a lifetime for us because we reach points where everything that we know to be true comes under question.

    Major life events like health issues that compromise our quality of life, divorce, death, or even losing a job all carry with it an impact that could easily derail all our hopes and dreams for the future.

    Choosing to hold on to the hurt, or the pain, or the sense of loss from such experiences doesn’t change the reality that it brought with it.

    Instead, holding on denies us the opportunity to grow from such experiences, and to continue to build that life that we set out to achieve.

    But what is there to learn from bad experiences?

    More than the lessons that it taught us about the shortcomings in decisions that we may have made, it is only in the presence of pain that the depth of joy can be appreciated.

    It is only through loss that we learn to appreciate what can be lost when we have it.

    When we experience loss or tragedy, or even disappointment and betrayal at the hands of others where we have no control over the outcomes despite our best efforts, we must recognise that it is a moment of grounding that will reshape what we take from life from that moment forward.

    If we’re not aware of the good that we can take, we will remain invested in the bitterness of the experience as we convince ourselves that remembering is the only way to protect ourselves from feeling such pain ever again.

    No. Remembering beyond the lesson learnt doesn’t protect us from such pain in future, it simply holds on to the pain of the past and denies us a future without it.

    Embrace the good, learn from the bad, and appreciate the present.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • What is forgiveness about anyway?

    What is forgiveness about anyway?

    If there is one piece of advice that will help you through the worst of times, this is it.

    Internalise this, connect with it, make it your mantra if you must, but understand that forgiveness on its own, without acceptance, will leave you yearning for retribution or justice.

    Acceptance is more important than forgiveness, because once we’ve accepted the reality of what is, forgiveness loses relevance.

    Accepting things becomes easier when we seek to understand rather than to judge why someone may have treated us badly, or betrayed our trust.

    Immediately, the focus is about their weakness and not our significance.

    When we learn to accept that people’s actions are a reflection of who they are more than it is about what we mean to them, we’ll have less of a need for forgiveness.

    Peace is not possible without acceptance, and acceptance completes the act of forgiving.

    Don’t only focus on forgiveness, because our need to forgive is driven by a belief that we were the deliberate target of the demons of others.

    Understanding their reasons for behaving the way that they did will confirm if forgiveness is warranted, or if understanding is what holds the secret to the peace that we seek.

  • Claim your self-worth

    Claim your self-worth

    Don’t be like those that only serve others when there’s something in it for them.

    That’s not goodwill or charity, it’s business.

    Uplifting others should be done because you want them to experience the value that you have in your life.

    Not because you want them to worship you, or celebrate your praises.

    Let’s bring sincerity and authenticity back into fashion.

    My sense of self-worth can only be established through selfless service to those around me.

    Whether my contribution is appreciated or not is not what defines me.

    But that I contribute, sacrifice, and enrich others’ lives willingly is what has always brought joy to me, and has always given me reason to sleep peacefully at night, even if spurned by those that I serve the most.

    Serve because of your conviction in the value that it brings to others, not because of the gratitude or acknowledgement that you need for your service.

  • A healthy self esteem is the greatest gift

    A healthy self esteem is the greatest gift

    I believe that the greatest gift we can give our children is a healthy self-esteem.

    Without it, they’ll seek affirmation from the worst sources in their quest to feel appreciated.

    The greatest skill they can acquire is that of observation, which in turn, develops their critical thinking skills.

    Without it, they’ll struggle to tell truth from falsehood, sincerity from insincerity, and reality from deception.

    The greatest characteristic would be modesty. Because when modesty is gone, we can do as we please because the consequences have no bearing on our conscience and renders dignity and self respect irrelevant.

    This is important…especially in light of the masses of failed adults that have abandoned their responsibilities towards their children and their families.

    We have failed humanity, which is why this world is in the disastrous state that it’s in.

    The only way to change it is to make sure that we don’t pass the failings of our generation onto the next generation.

    If you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing right by your family first, and then your extended family, and then society.

    If not, today is a good day to start.

    #mentoring