Tag: trust

  • Reclaim your worth

    Reclaim your worth

    Peace is most ravaged when we convince ourselves that we were treated badly by others, or by someone we trusted, because we weren’t good enough for them.

    A betrayal of trust, no matter how noble the person, reflects cowardice on their part.

    We only betray the trust that others place in us when we feel burdened by that trust, or we avoid accepting the responsibility that it demands of us.

    Either way, it’s a shortcoming on the part of the betrayer, not the betrayed.

    Sometimes we’re so focused on getting even with those who betrayed our trust that we fail to notice how that fixation distracts us from fulfilling the rights of others, which in itself is also a betrayal of trust.

    Understand the internal struggle of those who treated you badly, so that you will realise that they were simply incapable of being better than that in that moment.

    It may not take away the disappointment or the hurt, but that is part of your humanness.

    When that disappointment overwhelms your joy in life and steals your enthusiasm for the future, it’s no longer because of how someone treated you,it’s because of how you see yourself because of how they treated you.

    It’s that easy to give up your power to influence the outcomes and the happiness that you experience in life.

    You do so by believing that how you were treated by troubled souls is a reflection of your worth.

    That’s simply ingratitude for who you are.

    Misplacing your trust in someone is a mistake made from good intentions.

    Discard the mistake after learning from it. Don’t discard the good that inspired that good intention.

    It always starts with you.

  • A moment of trust

    A moment of trust

    It’s impossible to go through life without trusting others.

    But, if we’re not careful, the trust that we invest in others could result in consequences that create a struggle for the rest of our lives.

    Most often, when choosing a partner, we focus on how trustworthy they are in the present circumstances, but have no idea how they will be should circumstances change.

    Equally so, we often have no idea how we may cope under duress should our circumstances change.

    That’s when things get complicated, or when things outside of our control bring out the worst in us.

    99% of relationships encounter issues because of a change in external circumstances that brings out a side of our partner, or us, that we never thought possible.

    In that moment of duress, we either expect them to be understanding and supportive, no matter what, or we expect them to be consistent in their love and trust towards us, no matter what. All depending on who is going through the trying circumstance.

    That’s when trust is tested.

    Navigating such circumstances become that much more complicated when we assume that they were dishonest about who they were, or what they stood for.

    The reality is that most of us fail the consistency test when we encounter unexpected duress as a result of a change in circumstances. This includes the simple change between being in a courtship versus being married.

    The change in role results in a change in expectations, which is what provokes insecurities that we never knew we had.

    If we don’t have a healthy support structure to help us through that transition, and if we’re not open to advice when we experience such challenges, we set ourselves up for a lifetime of pain because of the belief that we were betrayed, or that we’re not understood.

    Be careful with how you rely on trust to get you through life. Most often, it’s not trust that is the issue but inflexible expectations based on insecurity.

    Own Your Life.

  • Dehumanising the human

    Dehumanising the human

    Don’t become so fixated on labelling yours, or the behaviour of others, that you lose sight of the human struggle behind that behaviour.

    Labels make it easier for us to deal with stuff.

    The moment we give it a name, we can manage our expectations around it.

    This is fine when it comes to abstract stuff and tasks or problems that we deal with as part of a regular day.

    But it becomes detrimental when we start labelling behaviour and then responding to that label, rather than recognising the legitimacy of the human experience behind that label.

    Popular labels include depression, bipolar, narcissism, and egotists, to name only a few.

    It’s one thing describing what we’re observing as our experience of someone’s behaviour, but the moment we reduce the human to that label, we become part of the struggle that they’re already grappling with.

    We must learn to connect with the human struggle long before we label it as an illness or a deficiency.

    For example, we don’t suffer from depression, but we do have good reason to feel depressed because we’ve lost hope in something important working out the way we need it to.

    And so it is with all other so-called mental illnesses.

    We lose compassion and empathy, and thus disconnect from our own humanness, when we define the entirety of a being by a single label of unacceptable or unpleasant behaviour.

    Reclaim your humanness, so that you may be able to honour the humanness of those around you.

    Start by avoiding self-diagnosis of the emotional state of others.

  • More ways to destroy trust…

    More ways to destroy trust…

    Our consideration of trust is often limited to promises or follow through on something that was clearly agreed with another.

    However, trust is broken in many ways, most of which are subtle and often unintended.

    It’s these subtle breaches that leave us seething with anger or raging with tears while not knowing how to connect the betrayal that we feel with the specific conduct of another.

    More than this, it also makes it that much more difficult to express ourselves clearly when they seem oblivious to the hurt or offence that they cause.

    Connecting with why we feel betrayed makes it possible to process those feelings of betrayal in a more constructive way, and allows us to diminish the impact that it has on our sense of self.

    Once we can reconcile in our minds what it is that drives us insane about the behaviour from those closest to us, it makes it easier to see their shortcomings as a reflection of who they are, rather than always assuming that they may take us for granted because of who we are.

    That clarity of understanding and perspective could mean the difference between a life of angst and self-loathing, versus one of understanding and purposeful investment in those relationships that mean the most to you.

    You cannot help those around you to slay their demons if you’re bringing your demons to the table.

    Here are 9 not-so-obvious ways in high we may be breaching the trust that others place in us :

    1. Remaining silent when your words could have provided comfort or support


    2. Deliberately avoiding a request for something that you know is important to someone


    3. Withholding affection when you know it’s needed


    4. Deliberately doing something that you know is offensive or hurtful to another


    5. Being dishonest when relating your story, or withholding part of a story to avoid conflict or accountability


    6. Being unnecessarily harsh without apologising for your conduct (or regularly repeating this behaviour after apologising each time)


    7. Treating your obligations or commitments as optional or subject to your convenience


    8. Demanding your rights from others but ignoring your responsibilities towards them


    9. Dismissing the contribution that others make towards your life

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Destroying the one we love

    Destroying the one we love

    When we look at ourselves with harshness or pity, we find reason to protect ourselves and others from what we see.

    We convince ourselves that we are a burden or a curse to those who deserve better than what we have to offer.

    Or, we convince ourselves that we won’t be able to bear them leaving, so we prevent them from getting close.

    But in so doing, we prevent ourselves from seeing in us what they may love about us.

    That’s when we reject them while believing that we’re only protecting them.

    It’s this self-loathing, or even this need to protect ourselves from being hurt by avoiding attachment that we cause the greatest hurt.

    The most troubled souls that I’ve encountered have been ones who yearned for emotional attachment with significant others that were emotionally inaccessible.

    When we protect others from ourselves, or we protect ourselves from others getting too close, we deny them access to our emotional space that may complete them, and vice versa.

    It is our entrusting to another the fragile parts of our soul that makes us feel human, or appreciated, or significant when they honour that trust in return.

    We only feel like we matter when we are not only loved by those we love, but by being allowed to love them in a way that is uniquely our expression of love for them.

    Anything less feels incomplete at best, and a betrayal at worst. Thus, some of the best intentions have resulted in the deepest cuts.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Tainting a beautiful soul

    Tainting a beautiful soul

    Betrayal of trust always cuts deeper than any other wound that we endure in life.

    A trust of the heart is an offering of the most sacred parts of who we are to those whom we believe will add to its beauty, and its peace.

    When it is held sacred by the ones with whom we share it, it explodes into fountains of light, beautifying everything that it touches…including the hurts of the past.

    When it is treated flippantly, it turns into caves of darkness, offering us protection from the shame of having had our sanctity violated by one so dear.

    From deep within that cave, any light that enters threatens to disembowel what little dignity we have left.

    Sometimes we flirt with that light, believing that it’s still possible to have the remnants of light in our soul join in the splendour of the beauty that we know is possible.

    For a while, we grow bold, believing that the sanctity of us may yet be cherished by another. Until we’re reminded that it is that same trust that created the space for the darkness of another to snuff out our light.

    So we withdraw. Any promises made to that point fade from view, and our trust becomes seasonal. Turning us into the darkness that seeks to destroy someone else’s light before they get a chance to destroy our own. Again.

    It’s an unintended vengeance against other than the brute that ravaged our soul. But it carries with it the promise of safety, and the promise of once more being whole.

    Thus, an unfulfilled vengeance, shreds a beautiful soul.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • A sacred trust

    A sacred trust

    Mark Twain once said something about there being two days that are important in your life. The day you’re born, and the day you find out why. I think there’s a third day that matters as much as the other two. The day you realise that your why only matters to you, and no one else.

    There’s a sacred trust that is unspoken but governs the hearts of everyone. That trust is created in moments when we honour our why in servitude of others. Everyone has this inclination. To serve as best as they can, to honour that trust that no one speaks of.

    A rare few, or perhaps more than that, invest that servitude in those who are true to their why. In return, the trust is fulfilled, but still unspoken. The only evidence of its fulfilment is the fulfilment they feel when their sincere servitude is honoured in kind.

    But what of those who invested it in ones who dishonour their why? Worse still, what if your why is to give hope to those who have given up hope in themselves?

    The ones in need of hope grab at the hints of its arrival without any concern for its origin. It is not the being attached to the outstretched hand that matters. Only what that hand contains.

    In that moment of giving, when something is gained by the hopeless, something is lost by the hopeful. Until eventually, the scale tips beyond its balance, and the hopeful become the hopeless. That’s when that sacred trust is broken, often beyond repair.

    Without trust, all that’s left is faith. Faith denies us the right to give up. Caught between the absence of trust, fading hope, and a fragile faith, the struggle of being human is born. And in that desecrated space, angels and demons are formed.

    If there is enough hope left in the cup, it fuels the endeavour to remain true to our why. But if the cup of hope is empty, faith settles in quietly, hope exits gracefully, and trust is abandoned, finally. Leaving the one caught in that conflict feeling conflicted, painfully aware of the emptiness that the tainted sanctity of that trust left, while knowing that faith always demands more.

    Perhaps faith is not our saving grace from the trials of life. Perhaps faith itself is the trial.

  • A silent betrayal

    A silent betrayal

    The betrayal of trust is not always due to blatant acts of dishonesty.

    Most often, it’s the silence or the restraint from a loved one when their words or their embrace is most needed.

    It’s the shrug when we reach out to them or offer them support, or the deliberate obliviousness when we express our need for them.

    It’s the trust that bonds hearts that is more fragile than the intellectual trust.

    Reconciling dishonesty is easy because we have tangible evidence to work with.

    Understanding what’s in someone’s heart when they keep it a secret, or when they become subdued after having been expressive, leads to more anguish than any lie of the tongue.

    It is the not knowing that tortures and tests the trust we once placed in someone, especially when all the evidence conflicts with their claims.

    That’s when breathing becomes a labour in search of love, and exhaling feels pointless.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock