Tag: narcissisticabuse

  • Own your demons

    Own your demons

    When faced with the brutal aggression or harshness from another, it’s easy to convince ourselves that they treat us that way because of how they feel about us.

    Unless we’ve done something to specifically provoke them by treating them in a way that undermines their dignity or the trust that they placed in us, their behaviour is not because of who we are to them, but rather because of what we represent from their past.

    The victim rarely expresses their rage at an overwhelming aggressor, so such rage builds up until they find a safe space in which to release it.

    That safe space is someone who they can control or subdue. Someone who reminds them of their inadequacy which sends them into a blind rage to want to protect themselves from ever feeling inadequate again.

    Because that’s what anger is. That’s what rage does. It’s a defence against being vulnerable, or feeling abused, neglected, or taken for granted.

    Recognising these signs in others will save you the anguish of questioning your self worth, and more importantly, it will save others from becoming the outlet of the rage that builds up within you because of the ill treatment that you received at the hands of someone else’s demons.

    Break the cycle, beloved. Breathe. Take stock. And reclaim your voice that was surrendered to the angry battles that were not of your doing.

    If you’re struggling to reconcile your experiences at the hands of a troubled soul, or if you’re trying to understand the source of the rage that threatens to destroy everything good in your life, reach out and let’s work through it together.

    Contact me via WhatsApp on +27836599183 or via my website at zaidismail.com and together we can create the life that you’ve always wanted.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • The pain of being empty

    The pain of being empty

    When we’re overcome with the pain of betrayal, or loss, our focus is often on what we no longer have, rather than the gaping hole that it left in our soul.

    We try to reconcile the events or the mysteries that led up to that moment when what we cherished was suddenly taken.

    Sometimes taken by fate, but at other times taken by force.

    We feel violated when we’re left vacant. When the space we once reserved for one we cherished was abandoned without reason, or for all the wrong reasons.

    When the reasons are easily overcome, if only they’d be willing to overcome it with us.

    When we see in them what they refuse to see in themselves.

    Or when they give up hope for what they need from fear of losing it, again. So they protect themselves from us, not because of who we are, but because of how they were betrayed before us.

    That’s when we need to sit quietly with that gaping hole and find in it the peace that absence promises. It’s a peace found in the absence of expectation, or in the presence of calm.

    But calm is elusive when we’re fighting to get back what is not ours to claim. That’s when pain sets in. That’s when the gaping hole becomes a suffocating mess, rather than a passing anguish.

    Be still, beloved. Be composed. Be at peace knowing that the best of you will never be good enough for those who are not good enough for themselves.

    Their demons are your pain only because you see the beauty that they never tasted.

    Don’t give up that beauty because of their bitter tongue. Their bitterness is theirs to savour, and yours to abandon. Breathe…

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Tainting a beautiful soul

    Tainting a beautiful soul

    Betrayal of trust always cuts deeper than any other wound that we endure in life.

    A trust of the heart is an offering of the most sacred parts of who we are to those whom we believe will add to its beauty, and its peace.

    When it is held sacred by the ones with whom we share it, it explodes into fountains of light, beautifying everything that it touches…including the hurts of the past.

    When it is treated flippantly, it turns into caves of darkness, offering us protection from the shame of having had our sanctity violated by one so dear.

    From deep within that cave, any light that enters threatens to disembowel what little dignity we have left.

    Sometimes we flirt with that light, believing that it’s still possible to have the remnants of light in our soul join in the splendour of the beauty that we know is possible.

    For a while, we grow bold, believing that the sanctity of us may yet be cherished by another. Until we’re reminded that it is that same trust that created the space for the darkness of another to snuff out our light.

    So we withdraw. Any promises made to that point fade from view, and our trust becomes seasonal. Turning us into the darkness that seeks to destroy someone else’s light before they get a chance to destroy our own. Again.

    It’s an unintended vengeance against other than the brute that ravaged our soul. But it carries with it the promise of safety, and the promise of once more being whole.

    Thus, an unfulfilled vengeance, shreds a beautiful soul.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Demand more…of yourself

    Demand more…of yourself

    Unless you believe that you are capable of achieving more, you will always hold on to less.

    That belief is more about feeling worthy than it is about ability.

    Sometimes, we look at how our best efforts were received and assume that the negative outcomes bear testament to the value that we have to offer.

    We then find reason to withhold our contribution in future without pausing to consider that perhaps we invested our efforts in someone who wasn’t ready to value what we shared.

    But, it’s never that simple, is it?

    Often, we continue to invest because we believe in the untapped beauty or value that we see in them.

    It is that belief that anchors us in the ‘if only’ and ‘what if’ scenarios that play out in our heads, while blinding our hearts from the beauty that awaits if only we invested our efforts more wisely.

    At such times, we must look to those who see our beauty, rather than fixating on those who deny their own.

    It’s the only way to break the cycle that diminishes our contribution towards creating joy in our lives, and in the lives of those around us.

  • Depression is not an illness

    Depression is not an illness

    I realise that this is a highly contentious point. But we must recognise the elephant in the room before we are able to deal with it.

    The myth that depression is an illness causes more harm than the good it’s intended to achieve.

    Depression is the absence of hope. Preceding that is the saturation of failed expectations from those we consider significant in our lives.

    Like happiness, depression is not a choice. But, also like happiness, depression is an outcome of the collective choices that we make.

    The more aware we are of those choices, and importantly the consequences of those choices, the more consciously we are able to make decisions to break the cycles that result from those choices.

    The moment we label a human experience as an illness or a disorder, we create victims rather than masters of our emotional experience, thereby disempowering us in our efforts to rise above the unpleasant experiences of our lives.

    Depression is not an illness. It is a legitimate human experience in response to bad experiences in life.

    When we begin to recognise this, it becomes possible to reconnect with our humanity, rather than to surrender to an imagined illness.

  • Do more than survive

    Do more than survive

    Those who respect your victim-hood do so because it makes them feel better about themselves.

    They either feel more accomplished, or they find comfort in the familiarity of your struggle.

    Sometimes it gives them purpose in their need to uplift others so that their lives feel more fulfilled.

    Whether their intentions are good or not is not what’s important. The important point is that neither prompts you to rise above being a victim.

    Those who support you in your moments of weakness or need but also encourage you to rise above it are the ones to cherish.

    Before you take offence to what I’m saying, you need to realise that you’re only a victim when you allow the oppression of others to define your self worth, and to dictate your effort towards establishing a life worth living.

    The moment you own your life and rise above the impact of that oppression, you’re no longer a victim, you’re a fighter! Not a survivor!

    As long as you focus on surviving, you’re still defined by the moment of your oppression, even though you may have freed yourself from it.

    Be more than the struggles of your life. It’s possible, and beautifully rewarding.

    Photo credit : Naadirah Ismail

  • Fear breeds sadness

    Fear breeds sadness

    Fear creates more sadness than heartbreak ever will.

    Fear keeps us anchored in a moment that has long since passed.

    Fear convinces us that we need to be protected from what we previously experienced, while distracting us from the wisdom and strength that we gained from that experience.

    Fear prompts us to look for signs and evidence that what we fear may once again be approaching, and distracts us from the signs and evidence that what we hope for is within reach.

    Like everything that destroys, fear requires little effort because it is a self-sustaining cycle.

    Hope, on the feet hand, requires courage.

    Hope demands that we reconnect with who we are before that last bitter encounter.

    Hope is not for the meek. When we succumb to fear, the meek prevail and life loses its sweetness.



  • Trading off the best of me

    Trading off the best of me

    If kindness and compassion are a reflection of who we are, there can be no prerequisite for anyone to have to deserve it, or to earn it from us.

    How we express it towards them may take different forms, including tough love.

    But it is our intention behind that tough love, and how we follow through with it, that determines if it was indeed inspired by kindness and compassion, or by anger or frustration.

    The moment we expect someone to earn our kindness, respect, or any other virtue that we claim to possess, we lose that virtue and replace it with arrogance.

    Arrogance is a result of a low self esteem.

    There is no reason to demand recognition of our contribution if we truly appreciate the value of what we contribute.

    Therefore, we diminish ourselves by trading with others that which we should be valuing within ourselves.

    Express the beauty of you despite the bitterness of those around you.

    It may be the very catalyst needed to break the cycle of your life that you so despise.