Tag: selfworth

  • Don’t dance with the devil

    Don’t dance with the devil

    The devil lives in our doubts, and our demons thrive in our fears.

    What we take from life leaves us filled with hope, or ridden with fear.

    But because it’s what we take from it that matters, we can always revisit a memory or an experience and find something more wholesome to take from it.

    While we cannot change the past, we most certainly can change how it shapes us, and our relationships with those around us.

    The most common reason for not wanting to explore a fresh perspective of our past is because we need those doubts and fears to convince us never to expose ourselves to such experiences again.

    It’s got nothing to do with questioning our abilities, and everything to do with avoiding disappointment or pain. Because while we may know without a doubt that we’re capable of achieving something great, we’ll avoid even attempting it because of the possibility of the devastation of it being rejected or taken for granted by others.

    Don’t entertain the devil, and don’t surrender to your demons.

    Life awaits.

    Photo credit :Adobe Stock


  • Master patience

    Master patience

    Remembering to hold on to hope, and to abandon my expectations of others has always been my saving grace for my sanity and my dignity.

    Expectations, whether legitimate or not, are rooted in a sense of entitlement to receive what we need from others.

    Expectations are key to a healthy relationship, because when we can trust another to fulfil our expectations from them, it nurtures the bond that exists between us. Provided, of course, that such trust is mutual.

    However, if we’re not aware of our level of expectation and why we want it to be fulfilled by that specific other, we’ll become distracted by the feelings of betrayal should they fall short of our expectations.

    Worse still, when we’re unaware of the level of expectations that we have from those who are not in our circle of significant others, every acquaintance and every stranger is given power over our emotional state.

    Their failure to live up to our expectations feels like betrayal because entitlement is that unwritten social contract that convinces us that we deserve something from another, even if they may not be aware of it.

    If the relationship is important, switch to hope and continue to contribute as best as you can. Hope is grounded in the belief that they are capable of being better than who they are in that moment, but understanding that whatever is troubling or distracting them is what they need to first rise above before they can show up the way that we want them to.

    Expectations, and entitlement, is reflective of our needs, which when fulfilled, convinces us that we’re significant. Hence the anger or bitterness, or depression that sets in when our expectations are frequently taken for granted, making patience difficult to muster.

    Hope is the nourishment of patience, while expectation is the enemy of patience. So when you find yourself being impatient, check your expectations and consider embracing hope instead.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock



  • Destroying the one we love

    Destroying the one we love

    When we look at ourselves with harshness or pity, we find reason to protect ourselves and others from what we see.

    We convince ourselves that we are a burden or a curse to those who deserve better than what we have to offer.

    Or, we convince ourselves that we won’t be able to bear them leaving, so we prevent them from getting close.

    But in so doing, we prevent ourselves from seeing in us what they may love about us.

    That’s when we reject them while believing that we’re only protecting them.

    It’s this self-loathing, or even this need to protect ourselves from being hurt by avoiding attachment that we cause the greatest hurt.

    The most troubled souls that I’ve encountered have been ones who yearned for emotional attachment with significant others that were emotionally inaccessible.

    When we protect others from ourselves, or we protect ourselves from others getting too close, we deny them access to our emotional space that may complete them, and vice versa.

    It is our entrusting to another the fragile parts of our soul that makes us feel human, or appreciated, or significant when they honour that trust in return.

    We only feel like we matter when we are not only loved by those we love, but by being allowed to love them in a way that is uniquely our expression of love for them.

    Anything less feels incomplete at best, and a betrayal at worst. Thus, some of the best intentions have resulted in the deepest cuts.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Claim your humanness

    Claim your humanness

    My daughter looked quite distressed when she asked me this question over the weekend.

    “What drives people to be so cruel to animals, like skinning them alive, or abusing them for profits?”

    The first thought that came to mind was this. We only lose our humanity when we feel less than human.

    The truth is, we only lose our humanity when we believe that we are defined by what happened to us, rather than what our choices were in response to those trials of life.

    Watching her grappling with the reality of who she is versus how others have treated her and betrayed her trust in her short life is grounding me in ways that I never thought possible.

    I swayed from anger at not knowing how to be there for her, to self-pity for not being a good enough parent, to a quiet albeit sad patience, knowing that all I can do is allow her the space to come to terms with the harshness of life in a way that makes sense to her.

    As her father, I fear that she may outgrow me in the process, which stirs up the self-pity and anger, but just as soon, I regain my composure knowing that by giving in to either, I will only create a self-fulfilling prophecy if I insist on inserting myself into this precarious space in which she finds herself.

    So my test in her test is to be consistent and available while she finds her way through it.

    The struggle of single parenting is grossly underrated.

    And the struggle of a single father raising a daughter even more so underrated.

    Through it all, there was another battle just beneath the surface of the ones that I thought were important. That is, the battle to claim my humanness in the face of exactly the same kinds of betrayals and cruelty that I had faced, which are echoed in the struggles that taunt her.

    And it’s through recognising this deeper battle within that I realised the root of my anger and self-pity. It is the need to have my sincerity and effort accepted by one I hold dear, so that the lessons learnt at the hands of brutes and hypocrites will allow me to give that which I did not receive.

    Also, it is my need to protect her from the demons that have so often derailed my efforts in life. I want to protect her from that which ravaged me when I was her age.

    But I can’t. No one can save us from the journey that we must take to discover the beauty of who we are.

    The only thing we can do is remind them that giving up midway through that journey is never worth it. Because once you emerge from the other side, there is a depth and breadth to your humanness that would otherwise have escaped you, and would have left you empty and wanting in your efforts to connect with the beauty around you.

    The irony being that the depth and breadth that is discovered further isolates you from those who distracted themselves through that journey, rather than embraced the pain and the education that it offered.

    A beautiful patience and a courageous perseverance is needed to hold on to your humanness in an inhumane world.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Pause…

    Pause…

    Sometimes, when the cacophony of crap crowds your head, you need to remember to pause for long enough to give it a chance to find the door.

    I often have to remind myself about what I need to stop doing, rather than what I need to actively resolve.

    Some things increase in intensity and complexity the more we try to fix it.

    It’s those moments where we let go and trust that each person involved in our lives have their own will to find peace.

    By constantly trying to lead them to that peace, we redirect attention to our efforts rather than that goal, and that is how we cause them to be defensive or obstinate, rather than creating space for them to apply themselves without the pressure of expectations.

    Some say live and let live. I prefer to say live and let die…that which is not capable of sustaining its own toxic influence.

  • Perspective rules

    Perspective rules

    Perspective defines our reality.

    Taking the worst from an experience doesn’t diminish the good that it contains. It simply denies us the benefit that is waiting to be experienced.

    The opposite being true too. Focusing on the benefit reduces the impact of the bad that we experienced.

    Maintaining a healthy balance between the two keeps us grounded. Going to either extreme leaves us flighty and whimsical, or burdened and morbid about the future.

    Moderation is key, and maintaining a practical perspective rather than one influenced by fear significantly reduces the stress that we experience in life.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock


  • Contaminating the self

    Contaminating the self

    Self-worth is contaminated when we try to define it by the way we think others perceive us.

    Whether their perception is correct or not is irrelevant.

    The fact that their perception has more sway over our self-worth than our perception of ourselves is what determines the difference between a healthy self esteem, and an unhealthy one.

    Many struggle to connect with who they are in the absence of an external voice validating them.

    That external voice is not always aware of the validation that they provide because the one in need of such validation invests themselves in inspiring others to feel accomplished and amazing. [This is important!]

    When that investment is not well received, or is credited to someone other than the one making the investment, the self esteem of the investor is destroyed.

    That’s how we lose ourselves to servitude. We lose sight of our ability to serve, and become defined by how our service is appreciated, or rejected.

    Thus, are arrogant ones created. Arrogance being nothing more than a proclamation of the good in us that we need others to acknowledge.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Sabotaging destiny

    Sabotaging destiny

    There are so many memes encouraging gut feelings and instincts to drive or decisions about how to treat others.

    I wish there would be more making us aware of what creates that feeling in our gut to begin with.

    The emotion most commonly experienced as a physical sensation is that of fear. And fear, more than anywhere else in our bodies, is experienced in our gut or in our chest. Both physical centres associated with a gut feeling.

    That tightness, that churning, or the uneasiness we feel that spreads up to our chest and shortens our breath. Gripping fear is more common than butterflies of excitement.

    So when we trust our gut blindly, we project our past experiences on the present moment. We use past experiences with people that treated us badly to make assumptions about the motives of people who are trying to connect with us now.

    That’s how we lose the present moment or sabotage good opportunities because we look for signs that they’re the same as those who came before them, rather than seeing them for who they are. Any positive attributes we see are easily dismissed out of fear of those hints that suggest that they’re just a facade because of something that reminded us of a past hurt or betrayal, or worse.

    When we honour without question our emotions in that moment of fear or stress, we stop being mindful about our emotional state in the current experience. This prevents us from determining if our instinct is correct or not.

    We must be willing to test our instinct if we hope to avoid becoming presumptuous about others, both positively or negatively.

    Except for gratitude, everything else requires moderation to avoid the harms of excess. And following our instincts blindly causes as much harm as the good that it offers.

    Be balanced. Be mindful. Seek to understand your emotions rather than to surrender to it so that you don’t abandon reason in favour of fear.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock