Tag: daughters

  • Allow them to learn

    Allow them to learn

    Sometimes, out of concern, we try to protect those we care about from mistakes that they are inclined to make.

    We become the buffer between their bad decisions and the consequences thereof, so that they don’t find themselves in harm’s way.

    This show of concern or compassion is good, as long as it doesn’t become their crutch in life, or ours.

    If we’re not careful, we may give them reason to believe that they’ll always have a soft landing, or someone to bail them out.

    By protecting them from the consequences of their decisions, you also prevent them from growing to appreciate why they should trust your advice and support.

    However, choose carefully when to allow them to fall, because you don’t want to set yourself up for regret if there are long term consequences.

    Focus on opportunities where the outcome or the impact can be contained or minimised.

    The point is to allow them to learn from their decision making process, and not to maliciously prove a point that they should trust you more.

    Always be focused on the benefit that you want to create for them, and not on the satisfaction that you need to feel when you point out that you were right.

    Connect with compassion, not malice or bitterness.

    This is especially true for parenting teens who are more inclined to demand control of decisions in their lives.

    Not everything that they get wrong will hound them for the rest of their lives, so choose instances to teach such lessons based on the effort required for them to make right what they got wrong.

    And sometimes, you’ll be surprised at how what you thought you needed to protect them from was actually beneficial for their growth.

  • Claim your humanness

    Claim your humanness

    My daughter looked quite distressed when she asked me this question over the weekend.

    “What drives people to be so cruel to animals, like skinning them alive, or abusing them for profits?”

    The first thought that came to mind was this. We only lose our humanity when we feel less than human.

    The truth is, we only lose our humanity when we believe that we are defined by what happened to us, rather than what our choices were in response to those trials of life.

    Watching her grappling with the reality of who she is versus how others have treated her and betrayed her trust in her short life is grounding me in ways that I never thought possible.

    I swayed from anger at not knowing how to be there for her, to self-pity for not being a good enough parent, to a quiet albeit sad patience, knowing that all I can do is allow her the space to come to terms with the harshness of life in a way that makes sense to her.

    As her father, I fear that she may outgrow me in the process, which stirs up the self-pity and anger, but just as soon, I regain my composure knowing that by giving in to either, I will only create a self-fulfilling prophecy if I insist on inserting myself into this precarious space in which she finds herself.

    So my test in her test is to be consistent and available while she finds her way through it.

    The struggle of single parenting is grossly underrated.

    And the struggle of a single father raising a daughter even more so underrated.

    Through it all, there was another battle just beneath the surface of the ones that I thought were important. That is, the battle to claim my humanness in the face of exactly the same kinds of betrayals and cruelty that I had faced, which are echoed in the struggles that taunt her.

    And it’s through recognising this deeper battle within that I realised the root of my anger and self-pity. It is the need to have my sincerity and effort accepted by one I hold dear, so that the lessons learnt at the hands of brutes and hypocrites will allow me to give that which I did not receive.

    Also, it is my need to protect her from the demons that have so often derailed my efforts in life. I want to protect her from that which ravaged me when I was her age.

    But I can’t. No one can save us from the journey that we must take to discover the beauty of who we are.

    The only thing we can do is remind them that giving up midway through that journey is never worth it. Because once you emerge from the other side, there is a depth and breadth to your humanness that would otherwise have escaped you, and would have left you empty and wanting in your efforts to connect with the beauty around you.

    The irony being that the depth and breadth that is discovered further isolates you from those who distracted themselves through that journey, rather than embraced the pain and the education that it offered.

    A beautiful patience and a courageous perseverance is needed to hold on to your humanness in an inhumane world.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Old School Modesty

    I’ve never been one to mince my words when it comes to sharing my perspectives on morality, respect, and simple values that I believe makes life wholesome and dignified. The amount of pandering to political correctness these days is sickening. Fair enough to say that to each their own, but when that perspective suddenly becomes legislated, then it’s no longer to each their own, but rather to all will be the acceptance of the unacceptable.

    But this post is not about what I find wrong with the moral decline of society across every nation and every religion in general. This is my outburst, or maybe even just my plea for sanity and common sense in a time when dignity is a foreign concept and everything is about acceptable limits only. What is too much or too little is discussed as the focal point of modesty and respect, rather than an holistic approach to what truly maintains the dignity of a human being.

    I often get young girls lamenting the fact that they have really bad or non-existent relationships with their fathers. Many, if not most of them, go as far as stating that they don’t give a damn about whether or not their father is a part of their life, or will be a part of some really significant life events, and more often than not those breakdowns are a result of a lack of self-respect on the part of the daughter. This does not in any way justify or excuse the behaviour of those pathetic fathers that are absent in their daughter’s lives. That can never be excused.

    This is about the father that tried to maintain a healthy relationship with his daughter but was prevented from doing so because she felt inclined to be womanly before being a daughter. I look at young girls with their fathers and I wonder how is it possible for them not to feel shame about the way they dress in front of them let alone in public? A father should never have to lower his gaze when looking at his daughter. If he does, that speaks volumes about the disrespect that his daughter has for him.

    We wonder why incest, family rape, sexual molestation, and similar despicable acts are on the increase, but we don’t question how we conduct ourselves as a society, or even as a family unit? When daughters feel nothing about appearing sexually alluring in front of their fathers, or brothers for that matter, then don’t be surprised when her male family members either disrespect her, want to have nothing to do with her, or treat her in ways that are morally questionable.

    Am I placing the blame only on daughters? Not at all. There is as much that can be said about the parenting skills of many fathers, and mothers. But right now, I’m incensed by the complaints of girls that come from decent homes with fathers that are not absent, that still maintain them, and that are not abusive, on drugs, or alcohol, or even cigarettes, and in fact are even religiously grounded in many cases, yet the girls find it more important to establish their identities as women regardless of the impact it may have on their relationships with significant male role models that they will inevitably regret not having around later in life.

    Modesty is for sale, and dignity is not even in the catalogue anymore. Worse than this, dignity is a concept that seems to have been set aside in favour of freedom of expression and individual rights. It’s always the ones that are screaming for independence in this manner that are mourning the erosion of society and community as recalled by the old folks. Like the beloved prophet (pbuh) once said something to the effect that when modesty is gone, do as you please. If you don’t respect yourself, or even lack the presence of mind to know what that respect should entail, then don’t expect much more than that from the people around you. This juvenile concept of unconditional this and unconditional that is nothing but unconditional rubbish. When we stop expecting acceptance no matter what, maybe then we’ll start establishing wholesome relationships that are grounded on respect and dignity, rather than just common fashion, sexual, or social interests.

  • Parenting Gone Wrong

    This is an interaction I had with someone on my Tumblr blog. It touches on the destructive relationships that some parents have with their children. It’s something quite close to home for me, so I thought I’d share it here as well. The content that is bold is my opinion that I shared on the issues being raised. 

    What if a person has a sort-of narcissistic mother? And what if she has disliked the child since the child was young (but loved the child’s younger sibling), and still blames the child (even when the child is now an adult) for everything? So in her heart and mind, her child is the one with problems, the one who is the cause of all pain in her life.

    Narcissistic mothers are more common than you would imagine. I can’t count the number of mothers I’ve seen in my own experiences that openly and aggressively compete with their daughters (usually the eldest daughter if there’s more than one). It’s disturbing to say the least, and not uncommon to find them choosing a favourite between their children.

    What if the reason for the mother having bad feelings towards her child is the child’s fault for not having enough sabr?

    While that is a distinct possibility, given the rest of the scenarios presented below, that sounds almost like Stockholm Syndrome where the victim starts to sympathise with the aggressor’s position and sees them as justified in their actions.

    Let’s say once the child was an adult, they went back to try and fix things and create a relationship with the mother again. But the mother continued to emotionally condemn and hurt the person, but that the person tried to have sabr, and limited their visits with their mother just to keep the peace. What if one time, the person had to stay with the mother for over 5 days due to a specific circumstance. What if during this time, no matter how quiet the person tried to stay, the mother became increasingly irritated and angry with them and started saying horrible things. (And the sibling of the person took the mothers side also, saying that they don’t want that person in their lives anymore – there must be something wrong with the person then, right, and not the mother?)

    I disagree. It doesn’t necessarily imply that there is something wrong with the person. What it does suggest is that the mother has some issues relating to an association with the person in question. In other words, the mother could have been at a difficult time in her life when she gave conceived and/or gave birth to the child that is being pushed aside. As a result, especially in younger mothers, it’s not uncommon for them to project their own disappointments about life on the unborn or newborn child because it makes it easy for them to project their failures on the child instead of accepting responsibility for the choices they made. E.g. So if the mother had aspirations of building a career or having a certain amount of social freedom at that point in her life, and she ended up having an unplanned baby, in her weakness to acknowledge her own contribution to that situation, she would blame the baby for robbing her off those aspirations, and that blame, when nurtured for long enough, could become really toxic in their relationship in later years.

    Then what if the mother physically hurt the person in anger- as if they were a small child again- and what if this time the person just had enough and finally snapped, reacting back to the mother?
    Isn’t it the fault of that person for not having enough sabr with the situation? And now because of that, the mother is angry and holds an even bigger grudge than before and has now disowned that person from the family completely.
    So…. in Allah’s eyes, isn’t the person to blame, since the mother should always be respected and not shown anger towards?

    The person was bound to snap at some point, because as human beings, we have an inherent need for reciprocation, appreciation or gratitude. Our efforts must yield some beneficial results at some point or else we’re bound to snap out of anger at feeling incompetent or insignificant in the situation we’re trying to resolve. While being disrespectful towards a parent can never be condoned, I don’t believe there is anything wrong in maintaining a healthy distance in order to discourage a situation from arising that would lead to such disrespect becoming unavoidable. Islam is holistic in its approach to everything, and therefore, in this situation, the mother would need to fulfil her duties and responsibilities in order to enjoy the benefits of the elevated position that Islam affords her. In this case, the mother would always find a reason to justify her view about the merits and qualities of the person in question because she would need that to avoid taking accountability for her own actions that led up to the toxic situation between the two of them.

    And how would it work out on the day of judgement? Because ultimately it’s her word against the child’s and from the importance of the relationship with the mother in Islam, doesn’t that mean that the child of the mother has no chance on the day of judgement to enter Jannah? No matter how much the person repents, ultimately, isn’t it the word of the mother against theirs?

    I don’t think the Day of Judgement will be about one person’s word against another’s because all our deeds are clearly recorded. Our own bodies will act as witnesses against us, so no one’s opinion will carry weight on that day. Allah will judge fairly between the two, and we will not be held accountable for those situations that are out of our control. We will only be accountable for that which we could have done but didn’t do, within reasonable limits. 

    Of course Allah knows best, but I’m just wondering.

    P.s. At the same time though, the mother is a practicing Muslim, a kind and generous person in general. So it’s very confusing for the child, they wonder if it really is them with the problem, since the mother is a good person and practicing Muslim in general. So if that’s the case, does the child have any chance of entering Jannah, since the only time the mother becomes abusive and angry like this is when they are around. Therefore, there must be something wrong with that particular child of the mother’s, right?

    Again, it’s not necessarily due to a fault on the part of the child. Some parents, for whatever reason, just take a natural dislike and develop a very competitive relationship with their child/children. There’s nothing any child can do to change that because the one with the predominant power and influence is the parent. Until the child attains a level of independence and success as an adult, it’s hardly likely that the parent will see them differently. Even then, the parent could choose to continue seeing the child’s success as a result of their sacrifices rather than acknowledging their child’s efforts to make a good life for themselves. So the best is to just recognise the constraints and dynamics of the relationship for what it is, and take the needed steps to avoid further contention.

    This reminds me of the incident between the Prophet (SAW) and Wahshi, the man that killed Hamzah (RA). After asking him for an explanation of what happened, Rasulullah (SAW) forgave him and asked him never to show him his face again. The reason I’m reminded of this incident is because a similar theme could play out here. The person could accept that the current circumstances are just not conducive towards a healthy relationship with the parent, and so should avoid unnecessary contact without severing family ties. Insha-Allah in time, the absence and independent growth on both sides may lead to a thawing of the ice in the relationship and result in mutual respect developing, Ameen. 

    P.S. It’s normal for the favourite child to be sympathetic towards the parent’s views, until they reach an age of maturity where they are able to view the relationship more objectively.

  • HI. Not sure how to phrase this question, but, how has having daughters changed your life? How has the experience of raising them changed you?

    Hey…Aslm. 🙂

    Having daughters has been quite a blessing and a struggle. My circumstances have caused a significant strain in my relationship with both of them, but that’s not due to any fault on their part. I’m forced to take my life more seriously since having them, and being inherently responsible (painfully so at times), it has made me considerably more introspective about life as well. 

    Everything I do is with them in mind. What will they think of me when I’m no longer around, or when they’re going through life’s challenges? Will they appreciate what little guidance I’ve tried to give them, or will they despise me for not having prepared them well enough for what lies ahead?

    I wonder if I’ll be around to guide them through the hurdles of their painful teenage years, or through the early struggles of married life. Even if such guidance is simply to allow them to see my mistakes more clearly so that they don’t make the same ones. 

    Having them has changed me significantly. But I constantly feel as if I’m not doing enough for them. I guess that will be the sentiment expressed by most parents. I sometimes look around at other men and wonder if maybe they would have been better served by them. I guess I’m as insecure as any parent that has children.

    But undoubtedly, I see both of them as a blessing and I pray that they don’t grow up feeling cursed or seeing themselves as burdens to society. My greatest fear is that they won’t be protected, guided, supported and respected as much as I would want them to be. 

  • To my daughters…

    cynicallyjaded:

    I pray that you never will understand some of what I’m going through, some of what I feel, or some of what I think…because to understand you would need to experience what I’ve experienced. And I wouldn’t want you to feel the pain and the anguish that I’ve felt that made me feel, see and think the way I do. Although it’s the same pain and anguish that has given me this appreciation for life, for a smile on a stranger’s face, or for the chirping of the birds. My wish is for you to learn from my experiences and the experiences of others because there’s so much more to life than the opportunity to make your own mistakes.

    The only way you can cheat time is to learn from the accumulated wisdom of generations past. But if you insist on learning it all yourself, know that you’ll never learn more than anyone who has lived only a single lifetime without any wisdom to draw on. Know that your pain and your anguish will be unnecessary, and know that your life would only ever be half-lived, if even that. So instead I pray that you are able to cheat time, acquire a wisdom beyond what you may inherit, and give your children more than what you had to cheat time with. And if you do this, know that you have achieved more than any human being can be expected to achieve in a single lifetime. This is the only path to immortality that I know. 

  • When you have a son you worry about 1 penis, when you have a daughter you worry about them all.

    Raven’s Wings