We find ourselves in a state of duress, or stress, when we lose sight of what we can influence, whi fee helpless in the face of everything that we think is out of our control.
Whenever we’re faced with a problem, we either focus on mitigating the impact of the problem on us, or we focus on the opportunities to overcome the problem.
When we convince ourselves that the problem is bigger than us, and we also believe that walking away from it is not an option, or possible, we slip into a victim state of mind that weighs us down.
As a side note, whenever something appears impossible to resolve, it means that we have gaps in our understanding about what’s causing it to occur.
At that point, we should set out to seek a better understanding of the problem, rather than persisting in trying to find an answer with the limited information that we have.
This is the kind of thinking that needs to be applied when we’re faced with challenges in our lives.
The most common reason for feeling overwhelmed by life is because the assumptions that we made over the years about our significance or our ability to influence important relationships have grown to become the truths by which we live.
So we don’t even think of questioning those assumptions, despite circumstances having changed over the years, and more importantly, despite us having grown over the same period.
Becoming aware of these assumptions that we make when trying to solve any problem is the first critical step towards searching for answers.
But, mindfulness is needed to regain such perspective, and mindfulness is lost to the victim mindset.
The victim mindset is one that leaves us feeling defensive, or defenseless. Reclaiming your ability to positively influence the outcomes of your life then becomes the important problem to solve.
It always starts with you.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #loveyourself #lifegoals #motivation #optimism #purpose #mindfulness #inspiration #personalp
Tag: mentalhealthawareness
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The enemy of mindfulness
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Success at what cost?
The core of being human is the need to be significant to others, especially with significant others.
Our efforts to be successful feel empty and unfulfilling if we have no reason to believe that it positively impacts the lives of those around us.
So, we set out to be successful so that we can be valued, so that we can feel fulfilled or at least have reason to believe that we’re making a meaningful contribution towards the good around us.
But, what happens when we have an unhealthy self-esteem?
Our focus shifts from wanting to be of benefit, to being afraid of not being good enough.
To compensate for the fear of not being good enough, we focus on equipping ourselves as best we can to avoid failure.
Ethics and integrity become optional when what feels like survival overtakes our better judgement.
And in this way, our low self-worth becomes the basis on which we raise our children, convincing them about the importance of education, while setting loose boundaries for integrity.
Thus, by not understanding the state of their self-worth, we raise what appears to be narcissists while believing we’re raising responsible adults.
All because we exaggerated the importance of education compared to the emphasis that we placed on self-esteem and integrity.
No one intentionally or deliberately raises children with a low self-worth, but we cannot give what we don’t have.
That’s why, when we’re lacking in self-worth as adults, we compensae for it by focusing on equipping our children to fit into the world around them, rather than to define that world.
That’s how we place education and success above honesty and integrity, or sound character, while only intending good for our children. Or for ourselves.
This is yet another reason why the best gift you can give your child is not a good education, it’s a healthy self-esteem.
The rest will take care of itself.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #loveyourself #lifegoals #motivation #optimism #purpose #education #parenting #narcissism -
Generational assumptions
One of the most common incorrect assumptions we make in life is assuming that others treat us badly because of who we are, and not because of their own demons.
This is especially true about how we feel about our relationship with one, or both of our parents.
Without realising it, two critical outcomes result from this incorrect assumption.
Firstly, we feel like victims in our lives because what we need from others always seems to be so elusive.
And secondly, it distracts us from the reality of the struggles that the other person, including our parents, may be going through.
When it comes to our parents, we easily lose sight of the human behind the role, until we eventually become parents and then judge them for not adequately preparing us for that role.
That’s how we inevitably make the same mistakes that they made because we lost sight of who we are.
If we connect with gratitude for who we are, and we focus on understanding, not judging why we may fall short from time to time, we’ll find it easier to connect with our humanness and in turn, with the humanness in others, rather than to judge them for not doing justice to their roles in our lives.
Generational cycles are not broken by trying to be better than those who came before.
It’s broken by seeking understanding of why they are the way that they are, so that through understanding them we can make better choices for ourselves.
When you ‘heal’ from your past, don’t abandon those who didn’t have more to give.
Treat them with the empathy and compassion that has been lacking in their lives so that they may also feel like significant humans who are not only valued for the role that they are expected to play in the lives of those around them.
This will improve our relationship with them, which in turn will improve the quality of life that we pass on to the next generation.
It always starts with you.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #parenting #mentalhealthrecovery -
Escaping addiction
It’s not drugs that steal our children from us. Like us, they also need to feel significant.
Taking drugs is not just a bad habit. It’s a means to escape what we don’t want to deal with in the world around us.
Is it a bad decision? Absolutely. Because escaping something never resolves it, it only defers it to a later time.
But we all indulge in escapism of some kind, that’s why we have little to no communication in homes that centre around technology or social media, leaving the young ones struggling to find a space in which they belong, physically and emotionally.
The emotional connection that they then forge with fellow escapees is what makes drugs the escape of choice.
If we treat them as addicts, they will behave like addicts. If we deny what is lacking in their emotional make up, we’ll deny ourselves the opportunity to address it.
Addressing it doesn’t only benefit them, it also benefits us because the only reason that they would feel emotionally isolated is because we’re not emotionally accessible.
That means that we’re also denying ourselves the sweetness of life because if we’re emotionally unavailable, then we’re convinced that what is important to us is not important to anyone else.
That’s why we lose ourselves to duty and dismiss any demands to be emotionally available for those around us.
That’s how we create the environment that makes substance abuse or gambling, or other escapes attractive as a coping mechanism.
Break the cycle.
It always starts with you.
#drugs #addiction #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticparents #youth #selfworth #selflove #selfawareness #selfrespect #mindfulness #inspiration #lifecoaching #zaidismail #ownyourlife #theegosystem #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery -
Cyclical abuse
At first, we remain in a bad relationship because we truly believe in the sincerity of the claims of our partner to want to improve, or to overcome what they’re struggling with.
After some time, if we’re not careful, our inability to get them to follow through will convince us that we’re not a good enough reason for them to be better.
When that continues for long enough, we begin to doubt our ability to be enough for anyone else, and thus find ourselves trapped in a cycle that we’re unintentionally sustaining.
Some may claim that they stay because it’s their way of expressing unconditional love.
Unconditional love, if it ever exists, is the sacrifice of one in favour of another. When you sacrifice yourself to compensate for the bad behaviour of someone else, that’s not love, that’s self loathing.
If you don’t love yourself, loving another becomes a cry for significance or acceptance, and love has nothing to do with it.
More importantly though, the choice of how to respond to bad or abusive behaviour is not binary. It’s not just about staying or leaving.
Between those two choices lies a number of ways to potentially break cycles of abuse, all of which requires a better understanding of why the abusive behaviour is the way in which the other person is trying to feel significant, or to rage at an injustice done to them in the past.
By understanding what drives their behaviour, we allow ourselves to see the human struggle behind the behaviour, rather than to judge the entirety of the human by their behaviour.
But this is only possible when we don’t feel inadequate about who we are in that situation.
A healthy self-esteem is therefore at the heart of truly breaking cycles of abuse, otherwise we may exit that situation, but we’re likely to be attracted to yet another cycle of abuse in our search for significance.
It always starts with you.
#abusiverelationship #selfworth #selfawareness #selflove #gratitude #appreciation #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #selfloathing #relationshipgoals #lifecoaching #zaidismail -
Allow them to learn
Sometimes, out of concern, we try to protect those we care about from mistakes that they are inclined to make.
We become the buffer between their bad decisions and the consequences thereof, so that they don’t find themselves in harm’s way.
This show of concern or compassion is good, as long as it doesn’t become their crutch in life, or ours.
If we’re not careful, we may give them reason to believe that they’ll always have a soft landing, or someone to bail them out.
By protecting them from the consequences of their decisions, you also prevent them from growing to appreciate why they should trust your advice and support.
However, choose carefully when to allow them to fall, because you don’t want to set yourself up for regret if there are long term consequences.
Focus on opportunities where the outcome or the impact can be contained or minimised.
The point is to allow them to learn from their decision making process, and not to maliciously prove a point that they should trust you more.
Always be focused on the benefit that you want to create for them, and not on the satisfaction that you need to feel when you point out that you were right.
Connect with compassion, not malice or bitterness.
This is especially true for parenting teens who are more inclined to demand control of decisions in their lives.
Not everything that they get wrong will hound them for the rest of their lives, so choose instances to teach such lessons based on the effort required for them to make right what they got wrong.
And sometimes, you’ll be surprised at how what you thought you needed to protect them from was actually beneficial for their growth.
#parenting #singleparenting #fatherhood #raisinggirls #daughters #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #enablingbehaviours -
Are you grateful for you?
Trying is something that you do when you’re unsure of your ability to do it.
Trying relates to the process of developing the skills or understanding to accomplish something, and not to the outcome itself.
When we try to do something, it means that we don’t believe that we’re capable of doing it yet. Otherwise, we’d just do it.
This is true when it comes to accepting who we are.
If we’re trying to, it means that we don’t.
If we don’t, it means that we’re rejecting parts of who we are, or sadly at times, it means that we’re rejecting the whole of who we are.
That’s what happens when we live our lives by comparing ourselves to what we see in others.
Rather than admire them as inspirational, we judge ourselves as inferior.
That’s when illness sets in. Illnesses of the heart, and of the body.
Chronic illnesses result from a sustained rejection of what we dislike about ourselves, or what we believe is not good enough about who we are based on how others treat us.
That rejection that we feel towards ourselves or our life is an indication of the ingratitude that we hold within.
Ingratitude is at the heart of unhappiness because it focuses on what we don’t have, and diminishes the value of what we do have.
When we find ourselves in such a space, it’s time to introspect about what defines how we feel about ourselves and the life that we have.
It always starts with you.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #loveyourself #lifegoals #motivation #optimism #purpose #gratitude -
A brain dump
Optimism is not always enough. It helps, but sometimes, I just want things to go easy for a bit. If I knew that a single moment of trusting someone could lead to a lifetime of struggle, I would not have been so trusting, or at least not so generous with my trust.
But spilled milk and water under bridges offer no comfort. They only offer resolve. The resolve to move on rather than to stare pointlessly at the mishaps of my life. So I move on, each time with hope and optimism, each time having the wind knocked out of my sails, constantly reminded of how much easier it would be if only…if only they played their part..or they appreciated what they had…or they gave more and didn’t just take all the time…or…if only they honoured their trust, as much as I try to honour mine.
But that’s when I’m reminded of the poison of self-pity. That loathsome indulgence of focusing on how bad I have it, while growing bitter at those who consciously and unknowingly contribute towards my straitened state. Sometimes deliberately, but most times obliviously.
The trials of life are visited on those who are most aware of the human struggle of those around them. It compels one to be more gracious, more understanding, and more forgiving towards the shortcomings of those who do not do their fair share in our lives. But principle dictates that we do not abandon our station because in so doing, we contribute towards that very condition of theirs that subsequently weighs us down. That’s how we become part of the problem, when we abandon the burden of being part of the solution.
The relentless charge of life felt exciting in youth, but exhausting in my later years. There are days when I feel hopeful and passionate, with purpose and ambition. And there are days when I feel like remembering to hydrate is a life-sucking chore. The only thing that changes between the two is my indulgence in self-pity, or in my fixation on what is owed to me.
At such times, I remind myself that this world was created for respite, not for justice. What we give, will rarely be received in equal measure. Therefore, we must find a joy other than the expression of gratitude, or reciprocation, if we hope to sustain the very essence that breathes life into our waking hours.
It is the gratitude of who I am that I lose sight of, before the challenges begin to take their toll on me. I’m most weighed down when I look longingly at a significant other, waiting for a sign of sincere gratitude for, or at the least, understanding of what it takes for me to persevere beyond what has already transpired in my life. It is that pause for such validation that begins the slip into that soulless space of ingratitude, and of being left feeling wanting after exhausting my spirit in the service of those around me.
I think death will approach when picking myself up from that space will feel like a trial too many, or an investment too daunting in hope that is forever fleeting. On the balance, I am human, and I am needy of that balance that is only found in being appreciated by another. Not by any other, but by one who sees me, and not the tokens of who I am. One who sees the scars and bruises that tear at my being, each time I rise to face another round of brutal conflict with my demons, and the demons of those around me. It is only the loving gaze of one who sees all this of me, and more, that will ever set the scales in balance for this life to feel like a trial worth overcoming.
In the absence of such an embrace, it all feels dutifully empty. Without purpose beyond the belief that there is purpose in it. And the only motivation to persevere being the belief in the value of what I wish to create. Not even for the awaiting reward of what I’m doing. Because, if I believe the promise of my Lord to be true, to be rewarded for even an atom’s worth of good that I may do, then doing it with the reward in mind would be doubting the promise of my Lord.
I therefore act with conviction when I’m grateful for my ability to create value in the lives of those I meet, knowing that the One who blessed me with this ability, is more generous than any reward that I may expect in return.
Perhaps this is the reminder that I need to push on when I feel weighed down. It is the transactional life that steals our passion long before the trial itself. I must take more time to reflect on how transactional my life has become.
