Category: Love

  • The meandering twists of fate

    The meandering twists of fate

    Betrayal is not always a result of harsh words, lies, or cruel action.

    We’re often so focused on what we’re not getting from others, that we don’t pause to consider what they may not be getting from us either.

    The deepest cuts are those that are inflicted when we trust someone to be there, but they walk away instead.

    It’s when our rock in this world goes silent when we desperately need to hear their comforting voice.

    The searing edge of the blade of betrayal is when we repeatedly make excuses for others failing us, but we’re discarded the moment we have a moment of weakness.

    When there is inaction from those towards whom we look expectantly while recalling the times that they drew on our energy in moments when we barely had enough to sustain our own spirit, we find ourselves holding on, desperately clawing with both hands, to the remnants of the shards of our broken spirit, knowing that only we will be there for us, with the only solace needed being our trust in the One who created us.

    People fail us for the same reasons that we may fail others.

    It doesn’t make it right.

    It doesn’t make it wrong.

    It makes us all flawed humans who sometimes succumb to the demons of the past, while oblivious to the demons we just spawned in another because we were distracted.

    Striking a balance between recognising their humanness, while allowing ourselves to be human, while protecting ourselves from the impact of their demons, while grappling with our own demons is what defines the struggle of life, and the devastating risk of love.

    But we do it anyway, because without it, what would be the point of life?

    reflection

  • Let’s exchange needs

    Let’s exchange needs

    Men complain about lack of intimacy and women complain about emotional unavailability.

    Sometimes, the roles are reversed, but generally, these are the two most common issues that couples face in a relationship.

    Problem is, neither is the problem that needs to be solved.

    We’re naturally more emotionally available in spaces where we feel seen or appreciated.

    Having no reason to doubt our significance to our significant other is all the reason we need to drop our guard.

    As for intimacy? We’ve largely forgotten what that even looks like.

    Similar to love, we’ve forgotten how to be intimate.

    Intimacy is not sexual acts or raunchy nights.

    Intimacy is about sharing something much deeper than that.

    But we’ve turned these elements of a relationship into commodities and rights.

    It’s therefore unsurprising to find that most couples, even the ones without major relationship problems, are essentially complacent or unfulfilled about their relationship, rather than inspired to live life passionately because of it.

    If you find yourself discussing your rights and your needs with your partner, understand that you’re distracted from why such a discussion is needed at all.

    This may sound naively idealistic, but perhaps our lack of idealism is what has killed the romance in our lives.

    Perhaps it’s our focus on occasions, and functions, and events, and allocated dates to acknowledge or celebrate each other that denies us the spontaneity needed to feel alive.

    Perhaps that’s why we’ve become so transactional in how we live, how we love, and how we seek fulfilment.

    It’s time to question whether you’ve been trying to solve the right problems in your life or have you simply been changing the dressing on a festering wound.

  • To be loved

    To be loved

    To be seen… Beyond the facade. To have the essence of who we are, known to those we trust and hold dear.

    To be heard… Not only when we cry out, but also when we speak gently of the troubles in our heart.

    To be loved… For more than how we make others feel, but to be loved for what we need in return, without having to claim it.

    In that order, because a voice without an identity is not a voice. It’s only a whisper in the wind.

    A face without a voice is only window dressing, or a trophy. And not a complete being.

    And love… Love without a reciprocal embrace…an embrace of what we hold within, as well as what we willingly give, is an empty love that taints towards bitterness, rather than beauty.

    Love beyond lust or infatuation is rare. True love is never abandoned.

    I see you.

    I hear you.

    I love you.

    Three of the most valuable gifts you could ever give.

    But, you cannot give what you don’t have.

    For this reason, you must first see, hear, and love who you are, before you will be able to share it with another.

  • Torturous love

    Torturous love

    And so it is…love and torture have always been stablemates.

    Sometimes, without warning, someone enters your life and challenges every assumption that you ever made about what’s possible.

    What you thought you deserved was limited to what you were capable of achieving up to that point, and maybe just a quiet desire to acquire some peace beyond it.

    Until they see in you what you thought was your own delusions, and you see in them what you thought were only your dreams.

    Once you connect with that truth, nothing can convince you that anything less is what you must settle for.

    Settling becomes a vulgar thought, and fulfilment becomes incomplete without them.

    When that happens, the distance between love and torture grows, and you find yourself stretched between the two, with only shards of sanity to prevent you from being torn apart.

    Those shards will tear at your dreams and taunt your delusions until their embrace is secured.

    Until then, life becomes a dyslexic dance with insanity, and love remains elusive.

    (From the archives)

  • That war within

    That war within

    Sometimes that village is a family, sometimes it’s a group, and sometimes it’s just one person who represents everything that the village stands for.

    That child grows into the raging adult who destroys every wholesome thing, because they feel like no one deserves peace if they were denied love and acceptance.

    When you treat the vulnerable, or the gentle one’s, with contempt, you create the same monsters that made you.

    That’s how the raging adult spawns more troubled souls that are driven towards burning down their village, with each generation growing more destructive, until someone chooses self-respect over self-loathing.

    The distraction of their rage prevents them, and us, from seeing their plea for love and acceptance.

    It’s a war within that rages without, because what they feel is at odds with what they need, and despite their best efforts, they don’t know how to achieve it.

    So, the shame that bubbles beneath the surface – the shame that they hide from the world about that internal war – drives them to behave in ways that appear to claim what they believe others will not care to give them.

    Thus, they project their rage on any innocent being that expects them to be better than that, because they’re no longer children…and only children throw tantrums.

    Adults don’t throw tantrums because they don’t need someone else to destroy for them.

    They destroy others to feel significant, not because they want the destruction, but because it at least gives them reason to believe that they’re not invisible.

    That they still have an impact.

    That they will be taken seriously…or else…

    Your anger at the world is yours to tame.

    You either rage at those who don’t have what you need, or you create it yourself through the alchemy of your soul.

    Because that’s what makes us human.

    Not that we hurt, or that we love, but that we can create love in the midst of hate, and calm in the midst of chaos, without any aides but the attributes of who we are beyond the rage.

    It always starts with you.



  • Have we forgotten how to love?

    Have we forgotten how to love?

    Most of us have forgotten how to truly love another.

    Love has become so commercialised, that we confuse a mutual exchange of interest and benefits as love.

    That’s why we end up believing that only as long as we’re getting what we need, do we have reason to feel loved.

    Meanwhile, we lose sight of the struggles of those we love when they are at war within themselves.

    If we truly love another, we must love what we believe is the true essence of who they are, so that when they stumble or err out of being human, we’ll be inclined to want to understand why, rather than to judge them harshly before pushing them away.

    Such sincerity and conviction is only possible when we connect with our humanness.

    But most of us go through life seeing ourselves through the eyes of our parents or grandparents, or some other figure whose validation we need, before we feel OK about ourselves.

    The longer we live life this way, the more anxious and unfulfilled life will be, because everything will be driven by the fear of not being good enough, and not by the aspiration to be the best that we believe we are capable of being.

    As long as we judge ourselves based on how we need to be accepted by others, we’ll never be able to truly connect with the good that may exist between us and our significant others.

    That’s how life becomes a transaction, and love becomes fragile.

    Self-awareness therefore precedes acceptance of who we are, and acceptance is only possible with understanding, which is the root of gratitude for what we’re capable of.

    It always starts with you.

  • Looking a gift horse in the mouth

    Looking a gift horse in the mouth

    When we’re driven by aesthetics and appearances, social standing becomes more important than substance or authenticity.

    We lose ourselves to the way we want to be perceived, rather than what we want to create.

    We grow defined by how others treat us, or how well we can hide our flaws.

    We pursue all the right things that hold the promise of a good life, but still feel empty and incomplete.

    Religiosity replaces submission, and spirituality is lost to the show of goodwill.

    When we focus on how we appear to others, or how we think they’ll judge or accept us, we’ll reject what is good for us, so that we can hold on to the hope of being good enough for them.

    In the end, we lose ourselves, and thus any acceptance we receive from others becomes pointless.

    The sweetness of life is lost when we reject who we are, because we’re afraid of being rejected by others.

    That’s how soul mates pass each other like ships in the night, or companions drift apart like clouds after a storm.

    The winds of distraction will guide us into places that are foreign to the needs of our soul.

    Reclaim your life by connecting with the truth of who you are.

    Own Your Life.

  • Understand before you judge harshly

    Understand before you judge harshly

    Before you get upset with someone for not treating you the way that you want them to treat you, consider that what you need may not come naturally to them.

    Without meaning to, we oppress others when we assume that just because we’re capable of something, they should be too.

    This is especially true when it comes to emotional expression.

    How emotionally expressive we are is directly related to how emotionally accessible our parents were to us during our childhood.

    And no, not all siblings in the same household have the same experience, because not all parents treat their children equally.

    So when we look at the behaviour of our adult partners and we compare them either to ourselves or to their siblings or other family members, we’re dismissing their specific life experience, while insisting that they be like everyone else around them.

    Emotions cannot be sincerely and authentically expressed if it was never received in that way.

    How it’s received – again – is relative to how emotionally grounded our past experiences may have been.

    When you’re not getting the kind of emotional availability that you need from your partner, consider that it’s something that they may just not be connecting with because they’ve never experienced it in a safe and fulfilling way themselves.

    And just because you’re expressing it to them now doesn’t mean that it suddenly changes it. It doesn’t, because your expectation of them to reciprocate makes that setting an emotionally vulnerable space for them.

    Create an emotionally safe space for your partner before you judge them for being insensitive or cold, or else you may destroy their love for you just because they couldn’t express it the way that you wanted them to.