Tag: ownyourlife

  • Embrace the whole of you

    Embrace the whole of you

    We often discard good advice because we don’t like the source.

    Sometimes it’s because we don’t want to appear weak in front of them, and other times it’s because we are trying to save face after having treated them badly.

    Emotional maturity is achieved when we are willing to learn from our enemies and loved ones alike.

    It’s achieved when we are more focused on growth, than we are on how we may appear to others.

    Emotional maturity is key to living with authenticity, and serving with conviction.

    But, emotional maturity is not something that you can pursue directly. It is an outcome.

    What we need to pursue directly is connecting with the gratitude of who we are, while seeking understanding of why they are who they are.

    We must seek to understand the value of every good quality, positive trait, and also every flaw, while embracing how each of these contribute towards making up the whole of who we are as a human being.

    Emotional maturity and quality of life, and relationships, follow from there.

    Any other approach is not sustainable, because every other approach will be dependent on how others treat us, before we will be able to show up as our best selves in that moment.

    Own Your Life. If not, someone else will.

  • A victim of your own mind

    A victim of your own mind

    There’s a difference between being a victim in the moment, versus holding onto the victim mindset long after the moment has passed.

    We hold on to the victim mindset when we need others to recognise our struggle, or to acknowledge what we’re having to overcome or deal with.

    The only reason this becomes necessary is because we feel unappreciated for the most part.

    More than this, we also believe that if we don’t have the victim card to play, we will have no excuse when we fall short of the expectations of others.

    The victim mindset is therefore a result of us believing that we’re not worthy in our own right, that’s why we need to give others something to appreciate about who we are and why we are that way.

    This is a classic example of a self-defeating behaviour.

    In addition to all this, when we’re in victim mode, we place demands on others to compensate for our shortcomings, resulting in strained relationships because they become responsible for how we feel about ourselves, while also having to take up the slack that we leave behind because of how exhausting the victim mindset can be.

    You owe it to yourself to rise above the impact of your last experience. Waiting for justice or retribution, or even an apology only results in you placing your life on hold, and most often has zero impact on the one who treated you badly.

    Don’t give them power beyond the event. If you do, you’re feeding the very cycle of abuse or bad behaviour that you feel victim to.

  • Peace always starts with you

    Peace always starts with you

    The next time you find yourself having a disagreement with someone, consider if the way in which you conduct yourself is to demand that they show you due respect or consideration, or are you trying to establish understanding.

    When we feel taken for granted or invisible in something that is important to us, we’re more likely to become defensive, aggressive, or passive aggressive in our efforts to get our point across.

    If we’re not aware of our need for significance, we will go in search of significance in almost every setting.

    This is how we end up yelling at cashiers, losing ourselves to road rage, and being argumentative with co-workers, as just a few examples.

    Understanding why we feel insignificant is the first step towards breaking that cycle.

    Understanding why those who are significant to us are not treating us with the significance that we need is the second step.

    And the third step towards breaking this cycle of rage or bitterness at the world is to understand why we need such validation to feel significant before treating others in a way that is true to who we are, rather than being driven by the anger or disappointment that we feel.

    Emotional mindfulness is core to the above, and having a healthy self-worth is what makes it possible to pace ourselves in our efforts towards creating the understanding and establishing the bonds that we believe will improve the quality of our relationships.

    It always starts with you.

    If you need help to understand what drives you to be less than who you want to be, reach out via my website at zaidismail.com or on WhatsApp at +27836599183, and let’s get the conversation started.

  • What are you really waiting for?

    What are you really waiting for?

    In order to know what’s not right, you need to know what right would look like.

    Or feel like.

    Or taste like.

    Just because you don’t know how to make it right, doesn’t mean you have to accept and live with what’s wrong.

    But sitting back and growing frustrated at your condition without trusting yourself to know that it can or must be better is a self-imposed constraint over your happiness.

    Think of your life as your favourite meal.

    Eventually, as life happens, the free who prepared that meal for you leaves your life, or you leave theirs.

    But, your new partner doesn’t know how, for example, your mom or dad, used to prepare that meal for you, so they try their best to make it the way that you like it.

    Despite their best efforts, they just don’t get it right.

    At that point, you have some choices to make:
    1. Blame them for not doing enough
    2. Understand that they can’t recreate something if they don’t have the knowledge or abilities to do so
    3. Accept that your favourite meal cannot be recreated, so you need to discover a new favourite
    4. Work with them in trying to figure out how to create it, so that together, you can once more create what you once loved

    If you choose 4, you will also be creating space for you and your partner to discover something beautiful together.

    You’ll have less reason to blame them for being inadequate, and more reason to play an active part in creating your joy with them, rather than holding them responsible for creating it for you.

    The most important point being that we must avoid the assumption that if someone isn’t doing what we told them we want or need from them, that they’re withholding it out of spite or selfishness, when the truth is more likely to be that they honestly don’t know how because they didn’t have in their life what we had in ours.

    This is how we begin to create space for new joy in our life, instead of wasting life away while lamenting the loss of what we once had.

  • Do you know why?

    Do you know why?

    What we choose to respond to is a reflection of what is important to us.

    The more important it is, the more intense or passionate our response.

    Hence anger that bubbles over, or heartfelt pleas and messages to connect with someone about something.

    The tone and demeanour of how we respond is a reflection of our self-worth.

    The more aggressive or abrasive we are, the lower our self-worth in that moment and about that setting. And vice versa.

    If we’re not mindful about our emotional needs from a given interaction, we’re likely to be distracted by the technical or practical aspects of what we’re dealing with, rather than understanding why it provokes such a strong response from us, or our partner.

    Situational mindfulness is the easy part. That’s being aware of WHAT is going on around you so that you can respond appropriately.

    Emotional mindfulness is more elusive, because it means that we need to be consciously aware of our emotional bias in that moment, or else we’ll lose sight of our bias when interpreting the actions or words of others. In other words, the WHY of our response.

    Understanding your Egosystem that drives you is therefore critical towards improving the quality of your relationships, and your life.

    If you’re struggling to understand why you can’t let go of something that appears hopeless, or why you feel so intensely about something that isn’t that important in the bigger picture, get your copy of The Egosystem now, and begin your journey of reconnecting with you, after having been distracted by the struggles of life.

  • The living martyr

    The living martyr

    One of the biggest hang ups in life, is wearing our hurt as a badge of honour.

    Our need to have our struggle recognised is born from the belief that we will not be appreciated if others don’t know what we went through.

    It is born from the belief that our shortcomings must be tolerated or understood, or even accommodated by others because they don’t know what we’ve been through.

    While some may look at this and think that it’s a reasonable expectation of compassion, the truth is, when we look to be seen in this way, we diminish the capacity we have to move beyond it.

    We end up investing in the oppressed version of ourselves, while blaming the world for oppressing us.

    If you believe that persevering through struggle is all you’re capable of, you’re oppressing yourself long before anyone else undermines your value.

    Do you really believe that you’re capable of nothing more than to survive the struggles of your life, or do you believe that you have something of value to offer this world, despite your struggles?

    Your answer to that question will determine if you live to survive by the rules of others, or if you live with a passion to leave this world in a better state than it was before your arrival because you believe you have something of value to contribute.

  • Own your life

    Own your life

    Owning your life doesn’t mean controlling every aspect of your life.

    Instead, it means that you are mindful about what and who you allow to influence your decisions and outcomes in your life.

    Like most things in life, moderation is important.

    Knowing when to take the reins and when to have it over to someone who knows better is key to growth and happiness.

    The need to control everything about our lives is driven by fear, rather than inspiration or ambition.

    Also, when we choose to control, we also prevent good and sincere advisors from guiding us.

    Control is fear based because we need predictability, which is driven by our belief that we are incapable of dealing with unexpected changes.

    It’s that belief that we need to challenge when we want to own our life. Because our belief that we’re incapable of dealing with change places control in the circumstances around us, and causes us to react to everything, rather than to own our response.

  • A hospital for dented egos

    A hospital for dented egos

    I’ve seen, and experienced first hand, the disaster that awaits when we convince ourselves that the demons that others deal with is our responsibility to resolve.

    Being kind, compassionate, and even understanding does not mean that we must own the decisions that others have made, especially when those decisions include them choosing to hold on to anger from their past instead of embracing the opportunities of the future.

    Remember that you can only offer someone a hand up, you cannot make them rise.

    The same way that you must own your shit, you are responsible for giving them every opportunity to own theirs.

    And that includes not making yourself available as a doormat to them when they’re not owning it.


    You’re not a hospital for the wounded egos of others.

    Compassion doesn’t mean that you must be a martyr.

    Sacrificing yourself to uplift another not only reflects ingratitude on your part for who you are and what you have, it denies your contribution of love to those that have a right to it, including yourself.

    Moderation in everything, and everything in moderation.

    Embrace your life fully, not only its struggles.