Tag: ownyourlife

  • A moment of trust

    A moment of trust

    It’s impossible to go through life without trusting others.

    But, if we’re not careful, the trust that we invest in others could result in consequences that create a struggle for the rest of our lives.

    Most often, when choosing a partner, we focus on how trustworthy they are in the present circumstances, but have no idea how they will be should circumstances change.

    Equally so, we often have no idea how we may cope under duress should our circumstances change.

    That’s when things get complicated, or when things outside of our control bring out the worst in us.

    99% of relationships encounter issues because of a change in external circumstances that brings out a side of our partner, or us, that we never thought possible.

    In that moment of duress, we either expect them to be understanding and supportive, no matter what, or we expect them to be consistent in their love and trust towards us, no matter what. All depending on who is going through the trying circumstance.

    That’s when trust is tested.

    Navigating such circumstances become that much more complicated when we assume that they were dishonest about who they were, or what they stood for.

    The reality is that most of us fail the consistency test when we encounter unexpected duress as a result of a change in circumstances. This includes the simple change between being in a courtship versus being married.

    The change in role results in a change in expectations, which is what provokes insecurities that we never knew we had.

    If we don’t have a healthy support structure to help us through that transition, and if we’re not open to advice when we experience such challenges, we set ourselves up for a lifetime of pain because of the belief that we were betrayed, or that we’re not understood.

    Be careful with how you rely on trust to get you through life. Most often, it’s not trust that is the issue but inflexible expectations based on insecurity.

    Own Your Life.

  • The destruction of self-deprecation

    The destruction of self-deprecation

    In our efforts to subdue our ego, many resort to self-deprecation.

    Sometimes we put ourselves down to test if anyone will be willing to disagree with us, thereby hoping to receive acknowledgement or appreciation that would otherwise not be forthcoming.

    At other times, we put ourselves down because we try to convince ourselves that we should not expect more from those around us.

    In both instances, we know, deep down inside, that we are being dishonest with ourselves.

    However, when we are convinced of our inadequacy, or truly believe that we’re not worth more or good enough, that’s when we become saturated with ingratitude.

    The reason we become convinced of our lowly state is not because of who we know ourselves to be. It’s because we constantly judge ourselves by how much others accept or approve of who we are.

    If we reject ourselves, we become more reliant on validation from others.

    Worse still, if we reject ourselves, we rarely fulfil the rights of others because we don’t believe that we’ll be good enough, so we avoid the rejection by not contributing in the way that is expected from us.

    On the surface, we may appear obstinate or selfish, but the truth beneath the surface is that we’re simply putting up our defences to avoid our shame from being revealed. That is, the shame of what we think we’re lacking in.

    Gratitude for the self cannot be inserted by anyone else.

    No amount of validation from others will establish such gratitude. If anything, external validation will risk taking ourselves for granted because we’ll lose ourselves to doing things for show or praise, rather than sincerity.

    Be careful of the slippery slope of ingratitude.

    It destroys more lives than any other vice we may have.

  • Dehumanising the human

    Dehumanising the human

    Don’t become so fixated on labelling yours, or the behaviour of others, that you lose sight of the human struggle behind that behaviour.

    Labels make it easier for us to deal with stuff.

    The moment we give it a name, we can manage our expectations around it.

    This is fine when it comes to abstract stuff and tasks or problems that we deal with as part of a regular day.

    But it becomes detrimental when we start labelling behaviour and then responding to that label, rather than recognising the legitimacy of the human experience behind that label.

    Popular labels include depression, bipolar, narcissism, and egotists, to name only a few.

    It’s one thing describing what we’re observing as our experience of someone’s behaviour, but the moment we reduce the human to that label, we become part of the struggle that they’re already grappling with.

    We must learn to connect with the human struggle long before we label it as an illness or a deficiency.

    For example, we don’t suffer from depression, but we do have good reason to feel depressed because we’ve lost hope in something important working out the way we need it to.

    And so it is with all other so-called mental illnesses.

    We lose compassion and empathy, and thus disconnect from our own humanness, when we define the entirety of a being by a single label of unacceptable or unpleasant behaviour.

    Reclaim your humanness, so that you may be able to honour the humanness of those around you.

    Start by avoiding self-diagnosis of the emotional state of others.

  • More ways to destroy trust…

    More ways to destroy trust…

    Our consideration of trust is often limited to promises or follow through on something that was clearly agreed with another.

    However, trust is broken in many ways, most of which are subtle and often unintended.

    It’s these subtle breaches that leave us seething with anger or raging with tears while not knowing how to connect the betrayal that we feel with the specific conduct of another.

    More than this, it also makes it that much more difficult to express ourselves clearly when they seem oblivious to the hurt or offence that they cause.

    Connecting with why we feel betrayed makes it possible to process those feelings of betrayal in a more constructive way, and allows us to diminish the impact that it has on our sense of self.

    Once we can reconcile in our minds what it is that drives us insane about the behaviour from those closest to us, it makes it easier to see their shortcomings as a reflection of who they are, rather than always assuming that they may take us for granted because of who we are.

    That clarity of understanding and perspective could mean the difference between a life of angst and self-loathing, versus one of understanding and purposeful investment in those relationships that mean the most to you.

    You cannot help those around you to slay their demons if you’re bringing your demons to the table.

    Here are 9 not-so-obvious ways in high we may be breaching the trust that others place in us :

    1. Remaining silent when your words could have provided comfort or support


    2. Deliberately avoiding a request for something that you know is important to someone


    3. Withholding affection when you know it’s needed


    4. Deliberately doing something that you know is offensive or hurtful to another


    5. Being dishonest when relating your story, or withholding part of a story to avoid conflict or accountability


    6. Being unnecessarily harsh without apologising for your conduct (or regularly repeating this behaviour after apologising each time)


    7. Treating your obligations or commitments as optional or subject to your convenience


    8. Demanding your rights from others but ignoring your responsibilities towards them


    9. Dismissing the contribution that others make towards your life

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Don’t trade your best for their worst

    Don’t trade your best for their worst

    There is rarely a day that passes without me reading or hearing about someone who invested years, if not decades of their life, to people who were not invested in the relationship.

    When the reality of that betrayal finally hits home, it destroys our spirit and convinces us that we’ve sacrificed the best years of our life while having nothing more to look forward to.

    Nothing could be further from the truth.

    The same way we were able to create beauty in such a desolate landscape, we must recognise that the best of us that we gave was simply the truth of who we were. And are.

    The moment we discard that because it was discarded by an ingrate who was looking for servitude of their ego when they could have had love for their essence, we become ingrates just like them.

    Don’t trade who you are for who they were. It’s never a fair trade. You owe yourself more than that.

    And self-pity will only ever prevent you from being true to yourself.

    Embrace the beauty of who you are despite the ugly of who they were.

    That’s how we take back the gift that they discarded so that we may be able find a more fitting recipient.

    As long as you’re breathing, there’s always hope.

  • Positive thinking fallacies

    Positive thinking fallacies

    Important reminder from the archives…

    There is much harm in this widespread acceptance of the so-called power cf positive thinking.

    Most importantly, it suggests that our thoughts inspire the actions of others.

    That is patently incorrect.

    It also suggests that if we focus on positivity, we’re guaranteed to attract positivity.

    That is dangerously incorrect.

    We all wear masks of some kind.

    When someone offers us an opportunity to fill the gaps in our lives that those masks are intended to hide, we are attracted to them, and vice versa.

    A healing spirit will attract a hurt soul, and hurt souls often attract the generosity of a healing spirit.

    But that doesn’t mean that the one that is hurt will choose to be healed.

    Many find comfort in the affection and care that their hurt attracts.

    When that comfort defines their self worth, they will respond aggressively when expected to rise above it, or encouraged to heal from it.

    That’s when the masks fail them and the relationship breaks down.

    This law of attraction thinking is a fallacy that will harm more than it will heal.

    It’s not accurate to say that what we’re focused on is what we will notice.

    If you’re looking for what’s right in your life, you’ll connect with it and nurture it. And if you’re looking for what’s wrong, you’ll see all of it and grow despondent from it.

    Be careful of what philosophy you buy into.

  • Feeding that generational curse

    Feeding that generational curse

    Don’t contribute towards the generational curse that weighs you down by withholding who you are because of ingratitude from those who themselves are at war within themselves.

    We all have our internal battles that cause us to show up badly at times.

    When we lose sight of this, we focus on how others show up badly and then judge them, or we judge our value to them, as being inadequate.

    That’s when we expect the world to make up for how we feel about ourselves, despite having traded the best of us for the worst of others.

    But this transaction is an internal, quietly hidden one.

    It’s a transaction that creeps up slowly, almost gently, so as not to cause alarm as we shift from gratitude, towards ingratitude, and finally towards bitterness.

    When you feel like you’re facing roadblocks at every turn, it’s time to take stock of where you’re at, so that you can find your way back to the path towards the destination that you wanted for yourself before you were distracted by the demons of others.

    You don’t break generational curses by fighting it.

    You break it by rising above it, while creating space for your tribe to join you when they’ve had opportunity to experience the value of your journey.

    But, if you don’t pursue your journey with conviction and consistency, you deny yourself and others the opportunity to discover a more wholesome way to live.

    It always starts with you.

  • Dreams are abandoned in silence

    Dreams are abandoned in silence

    No one celebrates their defeat, or their surrender.

    When they appear to be doing so, they’re looking for empathy or assistance to overcome what they’re finding difficult to deal with.

    Or they’re preemptively exposing their shame to deny others the opportunity to shame them.

    Giving up loudly is a test or a plea to see if what we’re struggling with is important to those around us.

    It’s a means to ask for help when asking for help feels like weakness, or vulnerability.

    It’s a way of raising concern about something that we’re unhappy about in company from which we feel uncomfortable asking for assistance.

    And we give up silently when we’re finally convinced that it really didn’t matter in the first place.

    That’s when we go quietly, without a sound or a sign, but with resolve to leave it behind and move on.

    Pay attention to what your loved ones are no longer complaining about, or not asking for help on.

    Silence always holds more answers than shouting out loud.