Tag: ownyourlife

  • Raging for love

    Raging for love

    Nothing destroys more than ingratitude, and ingratitude for the self is expressed through self-loathing.

    But self-loathing is disguised in many ways, the most common of which is anger.

    Anger is a defence mechanism that distracts attention away from what we feel inadequate about.

    It demands that we be taken seriously when we have no reason to believe that who we are is worthy of being taken seriously.

    But more than this, anger is a profession that in that moment, we believe that we are not good enough for one whose validation we desperately need.

    Hence it being the most common confirmation of self-loathing when all our defence and coping mechanisms are claiming otherwise.

    It also happens when our internal conversation is focused on comparing ourselves to those we think are better than us, or those whose validation we need.

    And then we get married to feel complete, only to hold our partners accountable for how we feel about ourselves.

    And then we have children to fill that void that just doesn’t seem to fill up, and we become ever more threatened with fears of inadequacy when we don’t know how to be enough as parents.

    Thus, innocent lives get destroyed, all because we didn’t learn to be grateful for who we are, while trying to make up for it by raging at those who have nothing to do with how we feel about ourselves.

    It always starts with you.

  • Maybe tomorrow…

    Maybe tomorrow…

    Just like tomorrow is not guaranteed, neither is our next breath.

    Each moment taken for granted is a moment lost.

    Each loved one taken for granted is a heartache earned.

    Each abandoned resolution made after tasting loss or visiting death’s door is food for the seeds of hypocrisy and self-loathing within.

    The victim mindset turns supporters into enemies, and significant others into options, until what we once cherished is lost, and what we’re left with intensifies our yearning for the past, or for death.

    When the pain of the past overshadows our joy in the present, the future loses its lightness, and our souls succumb to the darkness.

    The shame of admitting failure prevents us from making right what we got wrong.

    All because we were distracted by the harsh criticisms echoed in our narrative in our mind.

    A narrative that convinces us that sincere advisors are criticising our efforts, and those who celebrate the shadow of what we’re capable of are in fact our friends.

    We find what we seek. Shame in the past, purpose in the present, or hope in the future.

    Sadly, most lose themselves to the past, while protecting themselves from embracing the promise that the footie holds, in the process discarding the ones who love them most.

    Who are you discarding because they believe in you more than you believe in yourself?

    Own Your Life.

  • I see me in you

    I see me in you

    We judge others the way we judge ourselves.

    The less aware we are of our self-judgement, the more rigid we will be in insisting on the accuracy of our assumptions about others.

    The more compassionate and understanding we are in our efforts to improve ourselves, the more space we’ll allow for others to recover from the mistakes that they make towards us.

    Mindfulness and self-worth dss at the core of every experience of our life.

    Just because we’re lacking in mindfulness, or that our self-worth isn’t where it needs to be, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t impact our experiences.

    Our experiences and the quality of our life is directly proportional to these two things.

    The more mindful we are, the healthier our self-worth, few in turn, the better our quality of life even if things are not going our way.

    That’s why someone with little can have a huge heart, while someone with excess can be miserly.

    Awareness of where we’re at is important of we hope to see things for what they are, rather than what we assume them to be.

    Start with your own point of reference, but then look critically at the evidence to test if you’re assumptions are true or not.

    If you don’t, you’re only serving your insecurities, rather than seeking true understanding.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Dishonesty, the destroyer

    Dishonesty, the destroyer

    The profundity of the verse from the Qur’an that says that if you are grateful, Allah will increase you, resonates strongly through every theme of life.

    It is through gratitude that good is created, harm is kept at bay, and we are connected to what feeds our soul.

    Therefore, what destroys good must be the opposite of gratitude.

    It’s easy to call it ingratitude, but not so easy to identify it as that.

    Ingratitude is not just the absence of gratitude, it’s the presence of everything that denies it.

    It is the desire for that which undermines the good that we have, or pursuing that which we haven’t earned.

    It is the betrayal of what we stand for, to feed the fear of losing something that was never real.

    It the compromise of the authenticity of who we are, so that we may be accepted by another, because we can’t bear the thought of being alone with only our self-respect to keep us company.

    Dishonesty is a denial of the self, long before it is a betrayal of trust.

    That’s why it breathes destruction wherever it shows up, because it first destroys the self which then destroys the world around us because we grow desperate for others to make us feel whole.

    All that because we were ungrateful for who we are.

    Dishonesty is the enemy of dignity, and without dignity, the world will be at war with your soul.

    “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you.” (Qur’an 14:7)

  • The shame within

    The shame within

    You know that awkwardness that you feel when someone says something that you know is right but you’re not ready to hear it?

    Or when a sincere advisor or significant other points out something you’re doing that isn’t helpful or good for you, and you get defensive about it?

    Those are hints at the shame with which you view yourself regarding that habit or character trait.

    When we judge ourselves harshly, we grow defensive the moment someone draws attention to what we already feel insecure about.

    On the surface, we feel justified in defending ourselves because we feel judged.

    However, if we weren’t already judging ourselves, we wouldn’t feel judged, we’d feel misunderstood.

    Choosing whether or not to clarify that misunderstanding then becomes a matter of how much importance we place on the one who is making the incorrect assumption about us.

    But when we feel judged, it’s much more difficult to be selective about who we get defensive with and end up in full attack mode on people who don’t deserve it.

    The shame that we feel about ourselves is because we’re still seeing ourselves through the eyes of those we feel were never proud of us. Usually one or both parents.

    Until we realise this, we’ll go through life believing that we are unfairly judged without being open to growing beyond that because in our obsession with defending ourselves, we were never open to receiving good advice on how to be better.

    It always starts with you.

  • Settling for a hint of life

    Settling for a hint of life

    How we see ourselves is reflected in the choices that we make in life.

    Not what is obvious about those choices, but what we’re trying to achieve through those choices.

    Unfortunately, most are unaware of the second part. That underlying need that drives the choices that we make.

    When we lose sight of that need, we feel drawn by instinct or desperation to do things that just ‘feel’ right, and then convince ourselves that we must trust our instincts.

    But what if those instincts are driven by fear because we’re in survival mode after having had a bad childhood, or marriage?

    Will our choices be healthy, or unhealthy?

    If we’re not in tune with this side of who we are and how life has affected our sense of self, we’ll try desperately to create a good life for ourselves while losing ourselves in the process.

    Eventually, we end up believing that the world has no place for us, or that it’s a cruel and harsh place, leaving us hoping or waiting to be saved…or waiting for death. Whichever comes first.

    Reconnect with yourself in a way that is free of judgement, but full of understanding, and your choices will be informed by what you are passionate about, rather than what you desperately need from others to feel loved or accepted.

    It always starts with you.


  • But is it abuse?

    But is it abuse?

    If the widespread belief that silent treatment is emotional abuse is to be accepted, then we must also consider the form of abuse that its counter behaviour imposes.

    Silent treatment is not an assault on the senses and it doesn’t demand a response. The impact on the recipient of silent treatment is therefore dependent on what the recipient needs to feel validated or visible in that relationship.

    It also means that the reason for the dysfunctional communication has to be considered beyond just the withholding of communication from one of the parties.

    However, with nagging, it is an assault on the senses and has an inherent demand for a response.

    Nagging is based on the assumption of insensitivity or unwillingness on the part of our partner, rather than trying to understand why the first or second request for something was not or could not have been agreed to, or why they see no point in repeatedly acknowledging the same point.

    The important point is therefore not about whether it is or is not abuse, but rather why the communication has broken down to the point of such behaviours being the only means to express dissatisfaction with our partners.

    Claims of abuse are counter-productive unless either party is physically prevented from walking away from such forms of ‘abuse’ .

    The focus should therefore be on creating understanding about why communication has broken down, rather than supporting one partner against the other.

    No one nags or remains silent if they believe that their reasonable voice will be appreciated.

  • Depression is not what you think it is

    Depression is not what you think it is

    ⚠ Trigger Warning ⚠


    Depression is not a mental illness. It is a legitimate human emotion in the face of overwhelming odds, or the absence of hope.

    It is a moment of pause when everything that we believed to be true about our world, appears to fail us.

    By labelling this important human emotion as an illness, we dehumanise the human who is struggling to find hope in the midst of turmoil, or pain.

    To break the cycle of depression, we must embrace the reasons for feeling depressed.

    Embracing those reasons is not about judging whether we’re right or wrong, or strong or weak, for feeling depressed.

    Embracing those reasons means to gain a fresh perspective on why we invested ourselves in people who appear to have taken our trust for granted.

    When we lose sight of this trust that we placed in others, we also forget that we’ve grown to see ourselves through what we think they think of us because of how they responded to our efforts towards them.

    In other words, we lost sight of who we are, because we assumed them to be someone they’re not.

    Again, it’s not about judging them or ourselves.

    Instead, it’s about understanding where our assumptions and beliefs were misinformed, so that we can connect with the real reasons why it didn’t work out the way we wanted, rather than assume that it’s because we were not enough.

    Depression is always about the absence of hope in achieving something that is important to us, without which every other success in life feels empty and pointless.

    It’s only through understanding how this plays out uniquely in our life, that we’ll be able to rise above the hopelessness that set in when we were distracted by the failure of not achieving our dreams.

    Pause. Breathe. And try again. Only this time, wiser, and more capable than before.