Understanding why you or your partner behave the way that you do is only the first critical step in creating harmony and establishing that bond that makes a relationship resilient.
Once you have this understanding, you need to decide what to do with it.
That’s when having mature, objective, and sound advisors become the next critical part in our efforts towards establishing healthy relationships, both with ourselves and with those around us.
Loyalty often blinds friends and family towards protecting us, even when we’re not attacked nor being deliberately treated badly.
Their need to protect us is more about their fears from their own experiences or their need to feel significant in our lives, than it is about guiding us towards the best outcomes.
A sincere advisor is one who won’t protect you from the truth of your contribution towards the difficulties that you may be experiencing just because they’re afraid that you may be upset with them.
This is true not only for friends and family, but especially for coaches and therapists.
The golden rule when choosing an advisor is to confirm that they’re driven towards understanding your situation objectively, while offering insights into what is contributing towards it from both sides, before they insist on a course of action that you must follow.
In fact, when an advisor insists that you take specific steps towards resolving something, they’re no longer advisors. They’re instructors.
So be sure about whether you’re seeking instruction or advice on how to connect with your partner in a healthier and more meaningful way.
Instructions are based on someone else’s value system, while advice is aimed at providing insight into your reality so that you can make an informed decision based on your value system. Not theirs.
Choose carefully.
#marriageadvice #relationshipgoals #ownyourlife #theegosystem #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #silenttreatment #personalpower
Tag: ownyourlife
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Navigating relationships – 3 of 5
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Navigating relationships – 2 of 5
When we’re insecure about who we are, we’re more likely to assume that the behaviour of those around us is because of what they think of us.
This places an unspoken burden on them that influences how they show up for us when we need them most.
If you want to understand your behaviour towards your partner, or their behaviour towards you, you need to be aware of the dynamics in your relationship with your own family. Especially your parents.
This is true for them as well.
When we have dysfunctional or even abusive relationships with our family or parents, what we lack in those relationships inevitably feeds our insecurity in our own relationships, and it influences what we expect from our partners to make up for what was always lacking.
Most often, this is a subconscious need or demand that we place on them, and that they place on us.
The more aware we are of this, the greater our chances of being able to remedy it without it contaminating an otherwise good relationship.
When we feel triggered by something that our partner does, it means that we’re still affected by a past experience that most likely occurred long before we met them.
Our trigger is ours to own, because it is our fear about what the future holds relative to what the current moment reminds us about our past.
Hence the fear and anxiety that prompts us to respond with intensity towards something seemingly innocent from others.
When you’re caught up in a bad cycle with someone, focus on what you’re contributing towards that cycle and change that, rather than focusing on what you need them to change to break that cycle.
It always starts with you.
#relationshipgoals #marriageadvice #ownyourlife #theegosystem #ownyourlife #lifecoaching #zaidismail #loveyourself #lifegoals #companionship -
Have we forgotten how to love?
Most of us have forgotten how to truly love another.
Love has become so commercialised, that we confuse a mutual exchange of interest and benefits as love.
That’s why we end up believing that only as long as we’re getting what we need, do we have reason to feel loved.
Meanwhile, we lose sight of the struggles of those we love when they are at war within themselves.
If we truly love another, we must love what we believe is the true essence of who they are, so that when they stumble or err out of being human, we’ll be inclined to want to understand why, rather than to judge them harshly before pushing them away.
Such sincerity and conviction is only possible when we connect with our humanness.
But most of us go through life seeing ourselves through the eyes of our parents or grandparents, or some other figure whose validation we need, before we feel OK about ourselves.
The longer we live life this way, the more anxious and unfulfilled life will be, because everything will be driven by the fear of not being good enough, and not by the aspiration to be the best that we believe we are capable of being.
As long as we judge ourselves based on how we need to be accepted by others, we’ll never be able to truly connect with the good that may exist between us and our significant others.
That’s how life becomes a transaction, and love becomes fragile.
Self-awareness therefore precedes acceptance of who we are, and acceptance is only possible with understanding, which is the root of gratitude for what we’re capable of.
It always starts with you.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #loveyourself #lifegoals #motivation #optimism #purpose #mindfulness #relationshipgoals #ownyourlife -
Escaping addiction
It’s not drugs that steal our children from us. Like us, they also need to feel significant.
Taking drugs is not just a bad habit. It’s a means to escape what we don’t want to deal with in the world around us.
Is it a bad decision? Absolutely. Because escaping something never resolves it, it only defers it to a later time.
But we all indulge in escapism of some kind, that’s why we have little to no communication in homes that centre around technology or social media, leaving the young ones struggling to find a space in which they belong, physically and emotionally.
The emotional connection that they then forge with fellow escapees is what makes drugs the escape of choice.
If we treat them as addicts, they will behave like addicts. If we deny what is lacking in their emotional make up, we’ll deny ourselves the opportunity to address it.
Addressing it doesn’t only benefit them, it also benefits us because the only reason that they would feel emotionally isolated is because we’re not emotionally accessible.
That means that we’re also denying ourselves the sweetness of life because if we’re emotionally unavailable, then we’re convinced that what is important to us is not important to anyone else.
That’s why we lose ourselves to duty and dismiss any demands to be emotionally available for those around us.
That’s how we create the environment that makes substance abuse or gambling, or other escapes attractive as a coping mechanism.
Break the cycle.
It always starts with you.
#drugs #addiction #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticparents #youth #selfworth #selflove #selfawareness #selfrespect #mindfulness #inspiration #lifecoaching #zaidismail #ownyourlife #theegosystem #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery -
A brain dump
Optimism is not always enough. It helps, but sometimes, I just want things to go easy for a bit. If I knew that a single moment of trusting someone could lead to a lifetime of struggle, I would not have been so trusting, or at least not so generous with my trust.
But spilled milk and water under bridges offer no comfort. They only offer resolve. The resolve to move on rather than to stare pointlessly at the mishaps of my life. So I move on, each time with hope and optimism, each time having the wind knocked out of my sails, constantly reminded of how much easier it would be if only…if only they played their part..or they appreciated what they had…or they gave more and didn’t just take all the time…or…if only they honoured their trust, as much as I try to honour mine.
But that’s when I’m reminded of the poison of self-pity. That loathsome indulgence of focusing on how bad I have it, while growing bitter at those who consciously and unknowingly contribute towards my straitened state. Sometimes deliberately, but most times obliviously.
The trials of life are visited on those who are most aware of the human struggle of those around them. It compels one to be more gracious, more understanding, and more forgiving towards the shortcomings of those who do not do their fair share in our lives. But principle dictates that we do not abandon our station because in so doing, we contribute towards that very condition of theirs that subsequently weighs us down. That’s how we become part of the problem, when we abandon the burden of being part of the solution.
The relentless charge of life felt exciting in youth, but exhausting in my later years. There are days when I feel hopeful and passionate, with purpose and ambition. And there are days when I feel like remembering to hydrate is a life-sucking chore. The only thing that changes between the two is my indulgence in self-pity, or in my fixation on what is owed to me.
At such times, I remind myself that this world was created for respite, not for justice. What we give, will rarely be received in equal measure. Therefore, we must find a joy other than the expression of gratitude, or reciprocation, if we hope to sustain the very essence that breathes life into our waking hours.
It is the gratitude of who I am that I lose sight of, before the challenges begin to take their toll on me. I’m most weighed down when I look longingly at a significant other, waiting for a sign of sincere gratitude for, or at the least, understanding of what it takes for me to persevere beyond what has already transpired in my life. It is that pause for such validation that begins the slip into that soulless space of ingratitude, and of being left feeling wanting after exhausting my spirit in the service of those around me.
I think death will approach when picking myself up from that space will feel like a trial too many, or an investment too daunting in hope that is forever fleeting. On the balance, I am human, and I am needy of that balance that is only found in being appreciated by another. Not by any other, but by one who sees me, and not the tokens of who I am. One who sees the scars and bruises that tear at my being, each time I rise to face another round of brutal conflict with my demons, and the demons of those around me. It is only the loving gaze of one who sees all this of me, and more, that will ever set the scales in balance for this life to feel like a trial worth overcoming.
In the absence of such an embrace, it all feels dutifully empty. Without purpose beyond the belief that there is purpose in it. And the only motivation to persevere being the belief in the value of what I wish to create. Not even for the awaiting reward of what I’m doing. Because, if I believe the promise of my Lord to be true, to be rewarded for even an atom’s worth of good that I may do, then doing it with the reward in mind would be doubting the promise of my Lord.
I therefore act with conviction when I’m grateful for my ability to create value in the lives of those I meet, knowing that the One who blessed me with this ability, is more generous than any reward that I may expect in return.
Perhaps this is the reminder that I need to push on when I feel weighed down. It is the transactional life that steals our passion long before the trial itself. I must take more time to reflect on how transactional my life has become.
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Empty apologies
“Hey, I apologised. If you don’t accept my apology, that’s your problem, not mine.”
Did someone say this to you after offending you or treating you badly?
Maybe you felt you had reason to say it to someone else that rejected your apology?
The moment we demand that our apology must be enough, we’re not interested in the hurt or offence that we caused, nor the trust that we may have damaged. We’re only interested in preventing the other person from having reason to be displeased with us.
As we know, apologies mean nothing without sincere remorse, or a change in behaviour.
And if we have sincere remorse about what we did, we won’t expect others to be OK with what happened just because we think they should be OK.
We’ll focus on sincerely understanding why it affected, or continues to affect them, and we’ll put in the effort to reestablish the trust that we broke or tainted.
If we don’t, it means that we’re stuck in self-pity rather than appreciating the impact that we have in the lives of those around us.
This is yet another way in which self-pity prevents us from realising our significance to others, and vice versa, because we’re so fixated on how bad we have it, or how we feel unappreciated, that we lose sight of how much we take them for granted.
It always starts with you.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #ownyourlife #selfmastery #mindfulness #personalpower #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #loveyourself -
We all want to be enough
We all need to feel like we’re enough…
Enough to comfort those we love and care for…
Enough to inspire them to rise above their trials…
Enough to instil hope in them when they feel deflated…
And more.
Most importantly, we prevent those who care for us from being all this to us when we’re filled with self-loathing, self-pity, or when we feel like a burden to them.
In the same way that we behave badly when we feel unappreciated, others behave badly towards us when their efforts to uplif us feels futile.
Without realising it, our low self-worth destroys the self-worth of those around us because we give them reason to feel inadequate.
But because we’re filled with self-pity, or self-loathing, or because we are stuck in a victim mindset, we assume that we cannot possibly have such an impact on those around us.
That’s when we create and feed the very cycles that weigh us down.
Because we convince those who care for us that they are insignificant compared to the trials of our life, and thus, we convince them that they’re not good enough to comfort those that they care for.
We’re often our own worst enemies without realising it.
It always starts with you.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #loveyourself #lifegoals #motivation #optimism #purpose #ownyourlife -
When silence is preferred
We’re sometimes so focused on being heard, that we don’t stop to consider if we’re taking the time to understand.
Feeling heard is similar to feeling appreciated, and no one behaves badly when they feel appreciated.
Therefore, when we encounter difficulties in communicating with those close to us, we must pause to consider why it is that they may have a need to be heard before they’re willing to listen.
When this goes on for long enough, and we’re forced to choose between walking away or remaining silent, we remain silent to keep the peace so that our living conditions are bearable.
That silence is not always silent. Often, it’s passive aggressive in being selective about engaging.
Like engaging willingly with friends or extended family, but only having essential conversations with our significant others.
When communicating becomes a burden, or a reason for endless arguments or nitpicking, or circular debates, silence is preferred if walking away is not an option.
To break the cycle, as always, we must focus on what we contribute to that cycle, and we must change that.
If we’re unhappy about the cycle in which we find ourselves, we must own our contribution towards that cycle rather than frustrating ourselves waiting for others to change what they contribute towards that cycle.
This is especially true for problems with communication.
When we’re not getting the engagement that we’d like to have with our partners, or others, we must consider why it is that what is obvious or important to us, is not obvious or important to them.
Hint: It’s never because we’re not good enough for them. Most often, it’s because they don’t feel significant enough to us.
It always starts with you.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #loveyourself #lifegoals #motivation #optimism #ownyourlife
