Tag: expectation

  • Bitter sweet nostalgia

    Bitter sweet nostalgia

    Nostalgia is a beautiful thing, if we connected with the joy in those moments.

    Otherwise, it is torturous, as we remind ourselves of what we’ve lost, while losing the present moment along with those memories.

    Mindfulness of the blessing of the present moment is the only way to live a fulfilled life without courting regret.

    Unfortunately, we spend so much time taking the hurts from the past, using it to interpret what’s going on in the present, while projecting the outcomes on the future, that we forget to even live in the moment.

    That’s when bitterness sets in as we wait for others to recognise our struggle, or to empathise with our state.

    The impact of life is what we choose it to be.

    The moments of hardship or loss are only ever single moments.

    What we take from those moments are the choices we make based on how we see ourselves, and what we want others to see in us.

    The less aware we are of this, the more we lose ourselves to the struggles of life, resulting in an obliviousness of the present moment that causes us to make uninformed decisions which lead to more regret.

    Living inside your head is never a recipe for a fulfilling life.

    Connect with the present moment, and when you have the last time of a good thing, it may be bitter sweet. But it will be more sweet than bitter.

  • Judge as you wish to be judged

    Judge as you wish to be judged

    We speak from a position of privilege when we judge the failures of others within the context of what is possible for us.

    Even something as simple as the resolve we have, or the choices we made to rise above a challenge, comes from a place of assuming that our emotional resilience is the same as theirs.

    When we assume that everyone is equal, we deny the human struggle that affects all of us differently.

    Something small for one, could be a mountain for another.

    And the mountains that some climb every day because of their circumstances, could be overwhelming for those of us who were never faced with such trials.

    Comparing our efforts and accomplishments with that of others who are going through similar challenges that we once experienced is an act of arrogance, not support or concern.

    If we are sincere in uplifting or supporting others, then we must seek to understand the reality that they are facing, rather than judging them through our view of reality.

    After all, isn’t that what we cry about in the silent, dark hours, when we feel misunderstood or unappreciated?

    We treat others the way that we treat ourselves.

    When we judge ourselves harshly, or have no reason to expect support from those we cherish, we hold similar expectations of others who we find struggling.

    We expect them to ‘man up’ or to ‘put on their big girl panties’ and just move on.

    That’s how compassion and empathy are lost, and insensitivity becomes the standard by which we view others.

    Choose compassion.

    Reclaim your humanness.

  • Woe is me…or is it?

    Woe is me…or is it?

    The need to be pacified about the struggles of our life is an indication of how much or how little we believe in ourselves to rise above it.

    When we lose sight of our contribution towards our current state, we surrender to destiny or fate, and wait to be saved or celebrated for how strong we are for persevering.

    Meanwhile, our inaction at changing, or breaking the cycles in which we’re caught, reflects our self-worth more than it reflects our bravery or resilience.

    When the oppressed or the abused remain submissive, they choose to live with shame rather than fight with dignity.

    That fight doesn’t have to be confrontational. Especially when we are physically incapable of subduing the other.

    However, understanding what we’re doing to feed the cycle that is harming us is the beginning of changing what we contribute to such cycles.

    This is not victim blaming. This is victim empowering.

    The difference being that we don’t blame the victim for the oppressor’s actions, but we encourage the victim to reclaim their voice and their dignity, which in turn reduces the validation that the oppressor or abuser gains from their abuse.

    Understanding the cycle is therefore paramount to effective action.

    Action without understanding is like gambling with your life.

    Seek to understand before you surrender to your reality.

    Otherwise you’ll go through life believing you’re trapped, while not realising that there was always an exit strategy available to you.

    It always starts with you.

  • Repost: Judging to be safe

    Repost: Judging to be safe

    Judgement is not always harsh. But, judgement is always focused on an external standard that we think others respect.

    Don’t under estimate how much this mindset causes problems in every sphere of our lives.

    Before throwing in the towel on that relationship, reconnect you with the reasons that gave you hope in the first place, so that the distractions don’t leave you with regret later on.

    External standards give us comfort because we don’t run the risk of making a bad decision by ourselves.

    If things don’t go well, we can always say that everyone thought that it was the right thing to do.

    More than this, when we live up to a standard that we know others respect, we automatically feel respected.

    That way, we don’t have to go through the difficulty of earning respect by ourselves.

    This mind set conditions us to judge right or wrong, good or bad, better or worse, rather than to seek understanding of why we, or others, may fall short.

    This, more than anything else, undermines the quality of the relationships that we have with others, and especially with ourselves.

    And remember, seeking to understand bad behaviour doesn’t mean we condone it. It just means that we have a better chance of addressing the reason for it, rather than responding to its symptoms.

    Own Your Life.

    It always starts with you.

  • Do what’s right, or else…

    Do what’s right, or else…

    When raised with fear and compliance as the tool to ensure good behaviour, or religious subscription, we create validation-seeking individuals whose willingness to compromise on what is right will be driven by social acceptance.

    Instilling values in our children, or living by our own values, must be grounded in a substantial appreciation for why it is valuable, and not why it is right.

    When we focus on right and wrong, we focus on judging others rather than understanding them.

    Arriving at a conclusion about whether something is right or wrong has its place.

    But without understanding and an appreciation for the value of what we want to establish, compassion is lost, and harshness is assumed to be justified to uphold truth or morality.

    It is counter-productive to use harshness to teach understanding.

    And it’s an exercise in futility to ignore what influences you are working against when trying to instil, or live by such values.

    Being mindful of two things is therefore critical towards maintaining your sanity.

    Firstly, connect with purpose and substance to the values that you stand for by connecting it to the good that you want to create in the lives of those around you.

    Secondly, be aware of your ability to influence the adoption of those values in the lives of those you care for.

    Sometimes, the appeal of instant gratification, or social inclusion may render your influence impotent.

    When that happens, take the time to plant the seed, but don’t exhaust yourself in nurturing it.

    We’re all responsible for nurturing our own seeds of goodness in our lives.

    Own Your Life.


  • Torturous love

    Torturous love

    And so it is…love and torture have always been stablemates.

    Sometimes, without warning, someone enters your life and challenges every assumption that you ever made about what’s possible.

    What you thought you deserved was limited to what you were capable of achieving up to that point, and maybe just a quiet desire to acquire some peace beyond it.

    Until they see in you what you thought was your own delusions, and you see in them what you thought were only your dreams.

    Once you connect with that truth, nothing can convince you that anything less is what you must settle for.

    Settling becomes a vulgar thought, and fulfilment becomes incomplete without them.

    When that happens, the distance between love and torture grows, and you find yourself stretched between the two, with only shards of sanity to prevent you from being torn apart.

    Those shards will tear at your dreams and taunt your delusions until their embrace is secured.

    Until then, life becomes a dyslexic dance with insanity, and love remains elusive.

    (From the archives)

  • Silent screams

    Silent screams

    Crying, or a show of emotion, is still a sign of hope that things can be different.

    It’s a means to communicate our dissatisfaction because we believe that our dissatisfaction matters.

    Our emotional expression is exactly that. An expression.

    No one expresses unless there is an expectation of a response.

    That response may be from others, or even from within yourself.

    Expressing ourselves to others is driven by the belief that they may still care.

    Expressing ourselves to ourselves is driven by the hope that we will find relief in exhaling that pain.

    It’s when we lose hope of both, others caring about what vexes us, and finding relief through expression even in our private space, that silence seems like the only fitting tribute to the pain we have no hope of resolving.

    Silence is the absence of expectation, and the absence of hope.

    Don’t always look for signs of hopelessness, because the most intense form of hopelessness isn’t accompanied by a sign. It is accompanied by isolation and loneliness.

    It is silence.

  • Whose pedestal is it?

    Whose pedestal is it?

    When we see people for what we need them to be, rather than who they are, we elevate their position in our lives through no fault of their own.

    When they fail to meet the expectations that we created because of that unrealistic perspective that we had of them, we feel betrayed and then blame them for hurting us.

    This is yet another sign of a deficient self-worth.

    Our need to be associated with something or someone of a favourable standing often leads to us exaggerating the good or the virtue in them, or it.

    This is because when we believe that we’re not enough to earn the respect or social standing that we desire, then we find ways to appear more than who we are through associating with what others will respect or admire.

    The irony is that our efforts to place others on pedestals is because we want company for placing ourselves on those pedestals so that we don’t appear arrogant or vain in claiming such standing for ourselves.

    A healthy self-worth means that praise or support will be authentic, rather than opportunistic or insincere.

    Sometimes we justify the insincerity by convincing ourselves that we just want others to feel good.

    But when we shower praises on one who we believe isn’t truly praiseworthy, we’re doing it to feel good about being seen as generous and kind in spirit, and not because we want them to feel good.

    We also deny them the opportunity to be better by instilling a false sense of confidence about who they are or what they’ve achieved.

    Thus, the pedestals are built and destroyed the moment the lack of authenticity in our motives are exposed, or when they reveal, in an undeniable way, that they are not who we held them up to be.

    Sincerity on our part, in such moments, will be reflected in how we understand and support them to be who we believe they’re capable of being, rather than judging them for letting us down.

    It always starts with you.