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  • The living martyr

    The living martyr

    One of the biggest hang ups in life, is wearing our hurt as a badge of honour.

    Our need to have our struggle recognised is born from the belief that we will not be appreciated if others don’t know what we went through.

    It is born from the belief that our shortcomings must be tolerated or understood, or even accommodated by others because they don’t know what we’ve been through.

    While some may look at this and think that it’s a reasonable expectation of compassion, the truth is, when we look to be seen in this way, we diminish the capacity we have to move beyond it.

    We end up investing in the oppressed version of ourselves, while blaming the world for oppressing us.

    If you believe that persevering through struggle is all you’re capable of, you’re oppressing yourself long before anyone else undermines your value.

    Do you really believe that you’re capable of nothing more than to survive the struggles of your life, or do you believe that you have something of value to offer this world, despite your struggles?

    Your answer to that question will determine if you live to survive by the rules of others, or if you live with a passion to leave this world in a better state than it was before your arrival because you believe you have something of value to contribute.

  • Own your life

    Own your life

    Owning your life doesn’t mean controlling every aspect of your life.

    Instead, it means that you are mindful about what and who you allow to influence your decisions and outcomes in your life.

    Like most things in life, moderation is important.

    Knowing when to take the reins and when to have it over to someone who knows better is key to growth and happiness.

    The need to control everything about our lives is driven by fear, rather than inspiration or ambition.

    Also, when we choose to control, we also prevent good and sincere advisors from guiding us.

    Control is fear based because we need predictability, which is driven by our belief that we are incapable of dealing with unexpected changes.

    It’s that belief that we need to challenge when we want to own our life. Because our belief that we’re incapable of dealing with change places control in the circumstances around us, and causes us to react to everything, rather than to own our response.

  • Self pity destroys everything

    Self pity destroys everything

    Self pity destroys the very life that we wish we had.

    It is spawned by the belief that the future holds nothing for us, because the injustices of our past remain unavenged, or unappreciated.

    Without realising it, we become defined by our struggle, and lose ourselves in the process.

    Until we are faced with one who sees the beauty and the potential that we’ve lost sight of.

    Sadly, at that point, we feel torn between hope and shame.

    Hope that what we wanted all this time is finally reachable, and fear that our inadequacy may be discovered, leaving us abandoned or rejected once more.

    Because, if we were discarded when we gave off our best, surely we’ll be rejected or judged harshly now that we’re at our worst.

    At least, that is what we have convinced ourselves is true because of our fixation on the brutality of our past.

    That’s the root cause of the self pity that now destroys any good that threatens to expose our vulnerability, our neediness, or our shortcomings that gave someone we once trusted enough reason to reject us.

    Until we realise that it was our choice, albeit an innocent and unintended choice, to be defined by our struggles, we’ll assume that anyone expecting more from us, or believing in us, is an attempt to undermine the struggle that we have endured, and continue to battle.

    That’s how self pity creates the vicious cycles of repeat abandonment, while we convince ourselves that the subsequent abandonment justifies our need to protect ourselves from rejection.

    If you’re struggling to break this cycle, reach out via my website at zaidismail.com or on WhatsApp at +27836599183 and let’s create the life that you’ve always wanted. And deserve.

  • A hospital for dented egos

    A hospital for dented egos

    I’ve seen, and experienced first hand, the disaster that awaits when we convince ourselves that the demons that others deal with is our responsibility to resolve.

    Being kind, compassionate, and even understanding does not mean that we must own the decisions that others have made, especially when those decisions include them choosing to hold on to anger from their past instead of embracing the opportunities of the future.

    Remember that you can only offer someone a hand up, you cannot make them rise.

    The same way that you must own your shit, you are responsible for giving them every opportunity to own theirs.

    And that includes not making yourself available as a doormat to them when they’re not owning it.


    You’re not a hospital for the wounded egos of others.

    Compassion doesn’t mean that you must be a martyr.

    Sacrificing yourself to uplift another not only reflects ingratitude on your part for who you are and what you have, it denies your contribution of love to those that have a right to it, including yourself.

    Moderation in everything, and everything in moderation.

    Embrace your life fully, not only its struggles.

  • Don’t wish away life

    Don’t wish away life

    Perspective is what makes the difference between feeling trialed, versus experiencing growth.

    The narrative that keeps reminding us that it’s a cruel world and that we must struggle to survive, distracts us from our contribution towards that cruel world.

    When things don’t go our way, we must remember the times when we were faced with unexpected difficulties and how we overcame them.

    But don’t focus on the amount of times you were faced with difficulties and wish that it would stop.

    Focus on the fact that despite your unpreparedness, you were able to overcome the difficulties.

    We cannot control what life throws at us. We can only do our best to either overcome it and move on, or find opportunity in it to create something beautiful or valuable.

    Recognising your abilities and appreciating the resources that you have access to will help you to remain focused on being purposeful rather than feeling burdened.

    Life is a passion that must be lived. And passion is never appreciated if it isn’t accompanied by some pain. Otherwise we take it for granted, and it ceases to be a passion of ours.

    That’s what wishing away trials and realities do for us. It robs us of our passion, and turns us into meek victims waiting for life to treat us kinder.

    Rise above it. Live passionately. Love deeply. And don’t waste life away worrying about could’ve and should’ve.

    Make every moment count.

  • Are you really you?

    Are you really you?

    We often speak of not letting go of our inner child. But, I always wonder why does it have to be something we hold within?

    Why can’t we embrace the innocence of our childish charms in everything that we do?

    Or did we take away that permission from ourselves when someone once said, “Act your age!”?

    What does it mean to act your age?

    Who defines what that should look like?

    Why do we want to fit in so badly, that we deny who we are when our playfulness may make some old fart feel uncomfortable about their soured soul?

    Stop waiting for permission to enjoy this fleeting life.

    We wait for permission when we look for a specific reaction before we fully commit.

    Or when we restrain ourselves from doing something because someone said it’s not age-appropriate.

    Worst of all, we wait for permission when we withhold who we are because we are disappointed that we’re not appreciated by those around us.

    That’s when we grow old focusing on the struggles of life, rather than reminiscing about the joys.

    Think back to a joyful moment, and it will feel like time flies.

    But think back to a painful moment, and suddenly life feels too long.

    All because we waited for permission before we embraced who we are. Child and all.

  • Build your village

    Build your village

    We’re bombarded every day with messages that try to convince us to put ourselves first.

    To protect ourselves from being taken for granted.

    To demand our rights.

    To claim our voice.

    To claim our space.

    And yes, all of that is important. But…

    What about what we’re required to contribute?

    Who reminds us of our responsibilities before they remind us to claim our rights?

    Or to make space for others in our lives before we demand that they make space for us?

    Weakness is born in the belief that if we don’t take care of ourselves, no one else will.

    Again, while that may have some truth in it, it also entrenches the belief that we must receive before we can give.

    It focuses our attention on threats, rather than opportunities to create something new and amazing.

    It convinces us that there must be something in it for us, before we are willing to act selflessly towards benefiting others.

    Individualism has robbed us of the beauty of belonging to a village. We need to build that village before we can hope to take comfort from what it offers.

    Give, create, contribute. Not because you need something in return, but because it is a sincere expression of who you are.

  • Turning pain into beauty

    Turning pain into beauty

    Shortly after I published my novel, An Incomplete Love Story, I remember asking if I finally had permission to post romantic, or mushy stuff. The responses were entertaining and generally positive.

    The most common question I get is whether it is based on true life, or is it fiction. Suffice to say it’s a dumbed down version of true life, because as they say, life is often stranger than fiction.

    Besides, where would be the fun if you knew for certain what in the novel is true and what is from my imagination?

    There are people reading this who still cannot believe that I am capable of romance. The bewildered look on their faces will always be a source of entertainment for me.

    Don’t allow the opinions of others to limit what you allow yourself to explore as self-expression, or as life goals.

    Here’s a piece I wrote a year ago.

    “It is my grasp on the subtlety of beauty, or the hints of romance that breathe between her pauses and between her aches that horror has imposed. My subject of beauty focused on the horror, while I, in my romantic notions, caress with care the breaths and the pauses, seeing in her the divine where she only sees the pain.”

    Perhaps this will find its way into the sequel of my novel.

    Perhaps the sequel may never be written.

    Time will tell…since time holds the secrets to many joys that I hope to encounter in life.

    When reading the above snippet, don’t only think of someone else. Consider that this may be how someone sees you, while you’re focused on the heartache and pain from your past.

    And that’s what is important. Sometimes we’re so fixated on the pain, that we don’t realise what beauty it has unearthed within us.

    Until we do, we’ll always honour the pain, and neglect our beauty.