Category: Life Coaching

  • Judge, as you would like to be judged

    Judge, as you would like to be judged

    When we behave badly, we pacify ourselves by focusing on what we intended, or why it was understandable for us to behave that way.

    When others treat us badly, we’re more inclined to assume that it is a true reflection of how little we mean to them, or how malicious they are.

    The moment we judge someone else’s intentions to be bad without knowing for certain what they intended, we’re projecting our value system on them, and then holding them accountable for it.

    Crazy, right?

    When we assume the worst of someone, it’s because we are assuming what would have driven us to behave that way, and then believing that it must be true for them as well.

    Such assumptions prevent us from reaching understanding because it results in us expecting others to defend what we insist is true about them, rather than giving them the opportunity to explain themselves.

    We judge others as harshly or as kindly as we judge ourselves. That’s assuming that we’re honest with ourselves.

    When we’re dishonest with ourselves, we’ll be inconsistent in how we judge others.

    Those whose favour we want, we’ll judge kindly. While those who cannot serve our needs, we’ll judge harshly.

    That’s how we lose ourselves to our need for validation.

    It always starts with you.

  • Own your choices. Own your life.

    Own your choices. Own your life.

    Surely my sincere pursuit of happiness and enlightenment cannot be the cause of my own misery?

    Why didn’t someone make me aware of it?

    Why didn’t someone say something?

    Why couldn’t they just understand what I was going through?

    Even if all those questions are answered in the affirmative. it does not change the reality of the fact that it was choices, well-meaning but sometimes destructive choices that we made sincerely and with conviction that isolates the very blessing that we set out to acquire.

    We are not only accountable for the choices that we recognise.

    That is an easy accountability to accept.

    We are especially accountable for the choices that we don’t realise we’re making.

    It is accepting accountability for the choices that we did not intend to make that influences our authenticity and often, the quality of the relationships that contribute towards the joy and comfort that we experience in life.

    Neglect these out of fear of being accountable for causing harm or pain, and you will find yourself troubled by consequences that seemingly have no good reason to happen to a good person.

    And that, I believe, is one of the reasons why bad things happen to good people.

    But, don’t forget. If this is true for you, if it’s true for those around you as well.

    When we see others making decisions that may bring harm or offence to us, we need to consider the above in their favour.

    We’re all human.

    The more aware we are of our humanness, the more humane we’ll be towards others.

    It always starts with you.



  • Judging bad behaviour

    Judging bad behaviour

    I have yet to meet someone who behaves poorly when they feel appreciated.

    Yet, we’re most often focused on the poor behaviour instead of their feeling of insignificance.

    The same is true for us.

    Our anger, bitterness, or rebellion is simply an expression intended to reclaim our significance when significant others treat us as if we don’t matter. Or when we feel like we don’t matter to them.

    This doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but hopefully, it prompts us to be more understanding rather than judgemental when we find ourselves faced with unacceptable behaviour from those around us.

    It’s easier to judge others when being kind or understanding feels like weakness on our part, or if we’re afraid of condoning their behaviour.

    Both those assumptions are based on our assumptions about what their intentions are behind their bad behaviour.

    Consider that the next time you become aware of how you’ve chosen to judge someone.

    Are you judging their behaviour because of what you don’t want to be associated with? Are you judging it because you expect them to be better than that? Or are you judging it because it undermines your role in their life?

    Whichever one it is, judgement should be reserved for the courts, and understanding and compassion should drive our interactions with those around us so that we can encourage the best in them, rather than judge the worst in them.

    And if you want to understand why you’re driven towards assumptions about what drives your behaviour, or the behaviour of those around you, get a copy of my book, The Egosystem.

    It answers exactly such questions so that you might be able to find that elusive peace that you need within your soul.

  • When one good thing ends, another begins

    When one good thing ends, another begins

    At the end of every road, a decision awaits.

    Do we stop and remain focused on the road we just travelled, or do we choose a path beyond that road so that our journey continues?

    If the road travelled was a difficult one, most focus on the difficulty and choose to protect themselves from such difficulty in future.

    They’re the ones who grow weary about life, and place their happiness in the hands of others.

    Life becomes a burden, and death a morbidly romantic destination.

    But those who look back on that difficult journey and recognise how they managed to create something of beauty, experienced something amazing, or developed a sense of gratitude for the accomplishments that would otherwise not have been possible are the ones who look ahead with excitement and optimism.

    They connect with their ability to live, despite the trials of life.

    They connect with their ability to create happiness for others, rather than waiting for others to create it for them.

    They realise that just as their journey was difficult up to that point, so too are the journeys that others travel equally difficult, if not more than the one that they’re on.

    They connect with gratitude, and create space for joy because they know that what has passed only prepared them to create even greater things in the future.

    Which of the two do you choose to be?

    Fixate on the injustice or unfairness of the past, or appreciate your ability to prevail with joy into the future?

    The choice is yours.

  • A life full of things…except happiness

    A life full of things…except happiness

    While there may be truth in the saying that money doesn’t buy happiness but at least you can choose your misery, we need to consider if we really want to be choosing our misery or experiencing happiness?

    It all starts out with good intent.

    Earn some money to improve your quality of life, or create a home environment that is welcoming and comfortable for those you love, and hopefully in the process, feel appreciated for your efforts.

    But what happens when that appreciation is not as forthcoming as you need it to be?

    Sometimes, we look for that appreciation in a specific shape and form, and if it doesn’t appear in exactly that way, we assume that we’re not appreciated.

    That’s when our relationships become transactional as we start comparing who does how much to maintain the standard of living that we’ve grown accustomed to, while dismissing the efforts and intentions of the one doing all that.

    Valuing yourself comes before any expectation or need to be valued by others. If you don’t value yourself, you’ll look for that validation or appreciation to be served up in a specific way by others, thereby holding them accountable for how you feel about yourself.

    That’s how you end up having a life full of things, but a heart that lacks contentment.

    It always starts with you. You teach others what is important to you by how you treat them.

    And when you value yourself, you’ll realise that when others don’t value you, it’s because they’re struggling with their own self-worth and not because they don’t appreciate you or your efforts in their life.

    Own your life, and your emotional wellbeing will take care of itself.

  • Who controls you?

    Who controls you?

    Sometimes, we’re so focused on reacting to the disrespect that we receive from others that we don’t realise how we give up our self-respect in the process.

    If we continue in reaction mode for long enough, we’ll find ourselves not only returning the favour by treating them the way that they treat us, but we’ll also find ourselves blaming them for our response.

    That’s when we go beyond losing our self-respect and we begin losing ourselves completely.

    Strangely though, we’re unlikely to do this with everyone.

    We’ll often encounter total strangers or mere acquaintances who will treat us badly, but we’ll ignore them and continue focusing on what is important to us.

    Therefore, the answer lies in how much significance we place in those relationships to which we lose ourselves.

    The more significant that we want to be in their lives, the more we’ll convince ourselves about their significance in ours. That’s how we become emotionally invested in being treated with respect by them.

    The less respect we receive, the more intense our emotional experience, resulting in us fighting fire with fire. In other words, giving them a taste of their own medicine.

    That’s when respect becomes optional. When we convince ourselves that treating others the way that they treat us is in fact justice, when the truth is that it is returning their bitterness with our bitterness towards them.

    That’s how we give up the good of who we are.

    The greatest tragedy in all of this is that when we lose ourselves, we also lose sight of the struggles, or the low self-esteem that they’re experiencing which causes them to treat us badly.

    Instead of breaking that cycle, we feed it, and in the process, harm ourselves as much as we believed they were harming us.

    When respect becomes optional based on how we’re treated by others, we give them the power to define how we feel about ourselves.

    To whom are you giving your power today?

  • What are you waiting for?

    What are you waiting for?

    I’ve often advised someone about something that I truly believed them to be capable of achieving, and the response I received was, “Not everyone is like you!”

    Henry Ford said, “If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

    Sadly, too many think that they can’t, and then blame the world for the state in which they find themselves.

    But why would someone willingly put themselves down, or sell themselves short?

    Did I hear you say fear of failure? No. That’s what we see, and often what they feel on the surface.

    Dig a little deeper and you’ll realise that failure is such a threat because it threatens to reduce our significance among those who are important to us.

    It’s the threat of insignificance through being incompetent or unsuccessful that fills us with the fear of failure.

    But, we must always remember that fear is only the response to what we’re assuming is the probable outcome of our efforts.

    In other words, when we’re convinced that we won’t be able to accomplish something, or we have doubts about achieving it, the assumptions that we’ve made is what we’re focused on. Hence the feeling of dread or fear when we contemplate the future outcome.

    Hence the fear of failure.

    The important question to consider is therefore not if we’re capable of achieving that goal, but rather why is our feeling of significance as a person defined by our level of success?

    And before you say it’s because people judge you as a failure if you don’t accomplish things the way you’re expected to, the next question you should be asking is why does the judgement of others define your self-worth more than your opinion of yourself?

    People’s opinions will only weigh you down if you give them permission to do so.

    Talking about permission, when was the last time you gave yourself permission to learn from your failures instead of judging yourself for failing?

  • Don’t burn your own hands

    Don’t burn your own hands

    The logic of this is quite obvious, yet we do it, don’t we?

    Sometimes we find it difficult to apologise because we’re afraid that others will think less of us. It feels like a weakness. So we protect ourselves from appearing weak.

    At other times, we find it difficult to apologise because we feel unappreciated. So our offensive behaviour was our way of getting justice for having been treated badly or taken for granted.

    The same reasons that would drive our resistance to admitting fault is what drives others to avoid doing right by us.

    Problems arise when we lose sight of why we expect that much more from them, or worse, why we may be holding them to a standard that is unfair to who they are.

    Sometimes we grow tired of being taken for granted at home, so we lash out at hints of being taken for granted at work. And vice versa.

    Similarly, when our parents may have treated us as insignificant, we end up lashing out at our partners because we fear growing insignificant with them as well.

    That’s how we do the right thing for the wrong reasons. Or why we find it difficult to do the right thing when we know better.

    We complicate life when we lose sight of what we’re dealing with in the moment because we don’t realise that we’re waiting for justice about something that is long gone and forgotten, or unrelated to who we’re with now. .

    Invest in your past, or invest in your present. The choice you make is what determines what you’re investing in your future.

    Emotional mindfulness is key to creating a fulfilled life.