Tag: selfloathing

  • That self-loathing demon

    That self-loathing demon

    Ingratitude for the self is reflected in how much time we spend self-loathing.

    But self-loathing is disguised in many creative ways.

    The above list of 10 common points is only the tip of the iceberg.

    Self-loathing is rarely, if ever, a result of our current circumstances, and almost always a result of how we felt about our place in our parent/s home.

    The less space they made for us in their lives, the less worthy we feel as humans.

    This is especially true for problematic relationships with our fathers, but often extends to criticism or insensitivity from our mothers as well.

    Because that shapes our sense of self early in life, it’s difficult to realise its impact because it just feels normal for us.

    That’s when we grow to believe that our partners are responsible for how we feel about ourselves, or that they’re responsible for our enthusiasm towards our dreams.

    That’s how we grow harsh and cruel, or rigid and abrasive towards them, not realising that we’re holding them accountable for how we feel about ourselves because we had one, or both, parents who were emotionally inaccessible when we needed to feel like we were worthy, or like we belonged.

    Self-loathing, beyond our early years when we didn’t know better, is a testament of ingratitude for who we are, and what good we have access to.

    Until we start owning how we feel about ourselves, we’ll always have reason to rage at the world, and at the innocent ones around us.

    Own Your Life.

    It always starts with you.

  • Raging for love

    Raging for love

    Nothing destroys more than ingratitude, and ingratitude for the self is expressed through self-loathing.

    But self-loathing is disguised in many ways, the most common of which is anger.

    Anger is a defence mechanism that distracts attention away from what we feel inadequate about.

    It demands that we be taken seriously when we have no reason to believe that who we are is worthy of being taken seriously.

    But more than this, anger is a profession that in that moment, we believe that we are not good enough for one whose validation we desperately need.

    Hence it being the most common confirmation of self-loathing when all our defence and coping mechanisms are claiming otherwise.

    It also happens when our internal conversation is focused on comparing ourselves to those we think are better than us, or those whose validation we need.

    And then we get married to feel complete, only to hold our partners accountable for how we feel about ourselves.

    And then we have children to fill that void that just doesn’t seem to fill up, and we become ever more threatened with fears of inadequacy when we don’t know how to be enough as parents.

    Thus, innocent lives get destroyed, all because we didn’t learn to be grateful for who we are, while trying to make up for it by raging at those who have nothing to do with how we feel about ourselves.

    It always starts with you.

  • Maybe tomorrow…

    Maybe tomorrow…

    Just like tomorrow is not guaranteed, neither is our next breath.

    Each moment taken for granted is a moment lost.

    Each loved one taken for granted is a heartache earned.

    Each abandoned resolution made after tasting loss or visiting death’s door is food for the seeds of hypocrisy and self-loathing within.

    The victim mindset turns supporters into enemies, and significant others into options, until what we once cherished is lost, and what we’re left with intensifies our yearning for the past, or for death.

    When the pain of the past overshadows our joy in the present, the future loses its lightness, and our souls succumb to the darkness.

    The shame of admitting failure prevents us from making right what we got wrong.

    All because we were distracted by the harsh criticisms echoed in our narrative in our mind.

    A narrative that convinces us that sincere advisors are criticising our efforts, and those who celebrate the shadow of what we’re capable of are in fact our friends.

    We find what we seek. Shame in the past, purpose in the present, or hope in the future.

    Sadly, most lose themselves to the past, while protecting themselves from embracing the promise that the footie holds, in the process discarding the ones who love them most.

    Who are you discarding because they believe in you more than you believe in yourself?

    Own Your Life.

  • Internal struggle, outward joy

    Internal struggle, outward joy

    The martyr within, breathes life into the angel without.

    A rare few live their lives outwardly, as they feel inwardly about themselves.

    The need to hide our shame from the world is born from feeling ashamed of who we are, and not because of what others think of us.

    The opinions of others only matter in two ways.

    It hits a tender spot because it threatens to expose what we already judge harshly about ourselves.

    Or it offers us perspective in our efforts to be better than we were the day before.

    Most focus on the judgement because their relationship with themselves is so harsh.

    That’s why so much effort is put into presenting ourselves to the world in a way that will gain favour or distract attention away from how we feel about ourselves, because we carry too much shame within about who we are.

    Understanding where that harsh self-judgement comes from is the beginning of the journey towards reclaiming ourselves, and our joy in life.

    When last did you feel the way you looked when you showed up in the spaces of others?

    If you can’t recall, we need to talk.

    Own Your Life.

    It always starts with you.

  • Cyclical abuse

    Cyclical abuse

    At first, we remain in a bad relationship because we truly believe in the sincerity of the claims of our partner to want to improve, or to overcome what they’re struggling with.

    After some time, if we’re not careful, our inability to get them to follow through will convince us that we’re not a good enough reason for them to be better.

    When that continues for long enough, we begin to doubt our ability to be enough for anyone else, and thus find ourselves trapped in a cycle that we’re unintentionally sustaining.

    Some may claim that they stay because it’s their way of expressing unconditional love.

    Unconditional love, if it ever exists, is the sacrifice of one in favour of another. When you sacrifice yourself to compensate for the bad behaviour of someone else, that’s not love, that’s self loathing.

    If you don’t love yourself, loving another becomes a cry for significance or acceptance, and love has nothing to do with it.

    More importantly though, the choice of how to respond to bad or abusive behaviour is not binary. It’s not just about staying or leaving.

    Between those two choices lies a number of ways to potentially break cycles of abuse, all of which requires a better understanding of why the abusive behaviour is the way in which the other person is trying to feel significant, or to rage at an injustice done to them in the past.

    By understanding what drives their behaviour, we allow ourselves to see the human struggle behind the behaviour, rather than to judge the entirety of the human by their behaviour.

    But this is only possible when we don’t feel inadequate about who we are in that situation.

    A healthy self-esteem is therefore at the heart of truly breaking cycles of abuse, otherwise we may exit that situation, but we’re likely to be attracted to yet another cycle of abuse in our search for significance.

    It always starts with you.

  • The insincerity of self-loathing

    The insincerity of self-loathing

    As always, you cannot give what you don’t have.

    You can’t give someone a smile if you don’t have one yourself.

    Similarly, you cannot appreciate what you’re ungrateful for.

    If you take yourself for granted, any appreciation that you express towards others is based on you wanting them to feel appreciated the way that you want to feel appreciated.

    It’s about wanting them to have something that you believe you don’t have.

    As magnanimous or noble as that seems, it’s a transaction.

    It’s a judgement.

    It’s insincere.

    It’s manipulation.

    Is there some good in it? Definitely. Because there is nothing so bad that there is no good in it.

    But, it still means that the gratitude you express is hollow, and the one you hope to give reason to feel appreciated will eventually sense that emptiness of your sentiment.

    It’s only when we truly and meaningfully connect with the value that we hold as humans, that we are able to recognise and connect with that value in others.

    Until that point, all we’ll see is judgement and comparison about who has more than us, who deserves more, who we want must appreciate us, and so on.

    Our expression of affection and gratitude becomes transactional because we want to be seen a certain way, or thought of in a certain way.

    That’s not sincere appreciation. That’s transacting for significance.

    The question is, how many of us know ourselves well enough to truly appreciate who we are, or do we only see ourselves as a means to an end for others?

    How many of us are living martyrs?

    It always starts with you.

  • A victim of your own mind

    A victim of your own mind

    There’s a difference between being a victim in the moment, versus holding onto the victim mindset long after the moment has passed.

    We hold on to the victim mindset when we need others to recognise our struggle, or to acknowledge what we’re having to overcome or deal with.

    The only reason this becomes necessary is because we feel unappreciated for the most part.

    More than this, we also believe that if we don’t have the victim card to play, we will have no excuse when we fall short of the expectations of others.

    The victim mindset is therefore a result of us believing that we’re not worthy in our own right, that’s why we need to give others something to appreciate about who we are and why we are that way.

    This is a classic example of a self-defeating behaviour.

    In addition to all this, when we’re in victim mode, we place demands on others to compensate for our shortcomings, resulting in strained relationships because they become responsible for how we feel about ourselves, while also having to take up the slack that we leave behind because of how exhausting the victim mindset can be.

    You owe it to yourself to rise above the impact of your last experience. Waiting for justice or retribution, or even an apology only results in you placing your life on hold, and most often has zero impact on the one who treated you badly.

    Don’t give them power beyond the event. If you do, you’re feeding the very cycle of abuse or bad behaviour that you feel victim to.

  • Self pity destroys everything

    Self pity destroys everything

    Self pity destroys the very life that we wish we had.

    It is spawned by the belief that the future holds nothing for us, because the injustices of our past remain unavenged, or unappreciated.

    Without realising it, we become defined by our struggle, and lose ourselves in the process.

    Until we are faced with one who sees the beauty and the potential that we’ve lost sight of.

    Sadly, at that point, we feel torn between hope and shame.

    Hope that what we wanted all this time is finally reachable, and fear that our inadequacy may be discovered, leaving us abandoned or rejected once more.

    Because, if we were discarded when we gave off our best, surely we’ll be rejected or judged harshly now that we’re at our worst.

    At least, that is what we have convinced ourselves is true because of our fixation on the brutality of our past.

    That’s the root cause of the self pity that now destroys any good that threatens to expose our vulnerability, our neediness, or our shortcomings that gave someone we once trusted enough reason to reject us.

    Until we realise that it was our choice, albeit an innocent and unintended choice, to be defined by our struggles, we’ll assume that anyone expecting more from us, or believing in us, is an attempt to undermine the struggle that we have endured, and continue to battle.

    That’s how self pity creates the vicious cycles of repeat abandonment, while we convince ourselves that the subsequent abandonment justifies our need to protect ourselves from rejection.

    If you’re struggling to break this cycle, reach out via my website at zaidismail.com or on WhatsApp at +27836599183 and let’s create the life that you’ve always wanted. And deserve.