Tag: companionship

  • Reclaim you

    Reclaim you

    There is a belief that a hug fixes everything.

    It doesn’t.

    There are times when a hug loses its comfort or its safety because it comes from the very source that keeps causing that pain.

    Words spoken in anger always cut deeper than any hug can reach.

    In such cases, a hug is like an apology.

    It is a plea for forgiveness or an agreement to stop the hostility, but without substance in changed behaviour, it becomes hurtful in its own way.

    A hug from the one who is causing us pain, when they don’t recognise or acknowledge the pain that they’re causing, further intensifies the pain of being with them, or of being invisible to them.

    Without realising it, we become so focused on that pain that we lose sight of how we end up trading our self-worth for the hope of receiving their kindness.

    Sometimes, if we’re beyond needing their kindness, we trade our self-worth for the need for vengeance or retribution so that they can feel how they made us feel.

    Either way, when we focus on the pain, we lose ourselves to the experience, and become caught up in the cycle of pain that caused them to treat us badly in the first place.

    In that realisation lies the opportunity for healing, and for peace.

    Reconnect with your self-worth, fed your past will cease to define your future.

    It always starts with you.

  • Generational what?

    Generational what?

    The true destruction caused by our insecurities is that it destroys the good that we’re supposed to be creating in the lives of those around us.

    Insecurity isn’t always displayed through anger or defensiveness.

    Most often, to hide our insecurity, we over-compensate in spaces where we feel competent, so that we can avoid or distract attention away from that which we’re insecure about.

    Like focusing on being a hard-working father or a dutiful mother because we don’t know how to show up emotionally for our children.

    Or focusing on our children’s education at all costs, without connecting with the little humans behind that life of responsibility for which we’re preparing them.

    Or preparing them to take over the family business because they must appreciate tradition or legacy.

    As always, we can’t give what we don’t have. That’s why we can only give what we received.

    The problem is, we’re always so focused on what we didn’t receive from the roles of fathers and mothers in our lives, that we didn’t pause to consider that there were fragile humans behind those roles as well.

    Like us, our parents also have their insecurities as humans, but duty and responsibility also distracted them from realising that the anxiety about the future, or the frustration about the present was a sign that their emotional wellbeing was not where it needed to be.

    Thus, they focused on duty and responsibility, in the hope that we would be better at it than they were, not realising that we needed to feel seen and heard beyond duty or expectation.

    That’s how good intentions driven by a low self-worth can cause destruction while we think we’re creating good.

    That’s how generational trauma or unhealthy family values are passed down without realising it.

    If always starts with you.



  • Failed expectations

    Failed expectations

    The greatest hurts are not from blatant lies.

    The deepest cuts are from those we hold dear when they deliberately ignore what they know is important to us.

    Or worse, when they deliberately do what they know offends us.

    When we make known our expectations or needs from a significant other, we reveal to them what is closest to our heart and leaves us vulnerable.

    That’s why we are given to rage or emotional turmoil when they deliberately ignore or refuse to honour our needs with love and gentleness.

    We all fall short in this at some point for two reasons. It demands of us to be available in a way that may reveal our inadequacy, or we withhold our contribution because we want to communicate to them how we also feel ignored and uncared for.

    So if someone says to you that you should abandon expectations to avoid being hurt, understand that they’re also telling you to abandon the very cement of the trust in your relationship.

    If we cannot trust our significant others with the expectations that make us feel valued and fulfilled, then the essence of the relationship will be like that of any other relationship with an acquaintance.

    It is the trust that we place in each other that endears us toward each other.

    By all means, recognise the power that you’re giving your partner, but understand that without giving them such power, you will have no bond between you.

    And if they consistently fail in fulfilling your needs from them, consider that either they do not possess the emotional tools to fulfil it, or they may have expectations of you that you are overlooking.

    Understanding the truth behind their failure to show up, rather than assuming that they’re behaving in that way out of wilful and conscious intent, will allow you to either remedy the correct shortcoming in your relationship, or to contribute towards its failure.

  • The truth about compromise

    The truth about compromise

    That old adage about marriage being about compromise explains why so many marriages appear so burdensome to the ones involved.

    Before you start listing all the sacrifices that you make towards making your marriage work, consider that a willing compromise or sacrifice is a contribution towards something greater than who we are.

    The only time sacrifice becomes a compromise is when it is done begrudgingly.

    When we consider what we’re creating, we contribute towards its outcome.

    Contribution, by its very nature, demands that we give up something in exchange for something of value to us.

    And that’s the secret to marriage not being a compromise.

    Marriage is about creating something that brings us joy and fulfilment, and hopefully leaves a legacy that improves the state of this world.

    Yeah, we may technically give up an indulgence for ourselves because of the greater good that we’re pursuing, but as always, perspective is 110% of reality.

    Focus on what you’re giving up, and you’ll lose the joy of what you’re creating.

    Focus on what you’re losing, and you’ll lose sight of how much more you’ve gained.

    So focus on what you’re creating in your marriage, and sacrifice won’t feature. Only a willing, heartfelt contribution will drive your efforts.

    Life becomes hollow when you seek to only take what you need, or when you constantly focus on what you’re getting in exchange for what you’re giving.

    Give because you have something of value to share. Not because you need something in return.

    Own Your Life.

  • Understand before you judge harshly

    Understand before you judge harshly

    Before you get upset with someone for not treating you the way that you want them to treat you, consider that what you need may not come naturally to them.

    Without meaning to, we oppress others when we assume that just because we’re capable of something, they should be too.

    This is especially true when it comes to emotional expression.

    How emotionally expressive we are is directly related to how emotionally accessible our parents were to us during our childhood.

    And no, not all siblings in the same household have the same experience, because not all parents treat their children equally.

    So when we look at the behaviour of our adult partners and we compare them either to ourselves or to their siblings or other family members, we’re dismissing their specific life experience, while insisting that they be like everyone else around them.

    Emotions cannot be sincerely and authentically expressed if it was never received in that way.

    How it’s received – again – is relative to how emotionally grounded our past experiences may have been.

    When you’re not getting the kind of emotional availability that you need from your partner, consider that it’s something that they may just not be connecting with because they’ve never experienced it in a safe and fulfilling way themselves.

    And just because you’re expressing it to them now doesn’t mean that it suddenly changes it. It doesn’t, because your expectation of them to reciprocate makes that setting an emotionally vulnerable space for them.

    Create an emotionally safe space for your partner before you judge them for being insensitive or cold, or else you may destroy their love for you just because they couldn’t express it the way that you wanted them to.

  • Daydream your life away…

    Daydream your life away…

    Sometimes we lose ourselves to nostalgia to the point of disconnecting from the life that we have.

    Good memories are great, as long as it’s not a reason to take our current blessings for granted.

    Many of us are so fixated on the life that we once had, that we neglect the people and the quality of life that we have now.

    Sometimes, in fact often, we even neglect our health, because if we don’t have much to look forward to, there’s not much point in taking care of ourselves. Right?

    Wrong.

    When you only take care of yourself on special occasions, you’re taking yourself for granted the rest of the time.

    Memories are created between those special occasions more than on any specific occasion itself.

    When we hear of the good old days, we don’t hear of weddings and birthdays. The majority of the stories are about the wholesome and uncomplicated lives that we once lived. The family bonds, the solid friendships, the lekker meals and adventures.

    If you find yourself only celebrating life on special occasions, you’re taking yourself and your life for granted.

    Worse than this, you’ve probably lost your self-worth to how you want others to see you, and you don’t see yourself clearly anymore.

    You reclaim your life by reclaiming the present moment.

    But you can’t reclaim the present moment if you don’t see value in it.

    And you won’t see value in it if you spend your days longing for the past.

    Live romantically. Now. Not in the past. And your life will be everything you dreamed it could be.

    It always starts with you.

  • Turning pain into beauty

    Turning pain into beauty

    Shortly after I published my novel, An Incomplete Love Story, I remember asking if I finally had permission to post romantic, or mushy stuff. The responses were entertaining and generally positive.

    The most common question I get is whether it is based on true life, or is it fiction. Suffice to say it’s a dumbed down version of true life, because as they say, life is often stranger than fiction.

    Besides, where would be the fun if you knew for certain what in the novel is true and what is from my imagination?

    There are people reading this who still cannot believe that I am capable of romance. The bewildered look on their faces will always be a source of entertainment for me.

    Don’t allow the opinions of others to limit what you allow yourself to explore as self-expression, or as life goals.

    Here’s a piece I wrote a year ago.

    “It is my grasp on the subtlety of beauty, or the hints of romance that breathe between her pauses and between her aches that horror has imposed. My subject of beauty focused on the horror, while I, in my romantic notions, caress with care the breaths and the pauses, seeing in her the divine where she only sees the pain.”

    Perhaps this will find its way into the sequel of my novel.

    Perhaps the sequel may never be written.

    Time will tell…since time holds the secrets to many joys that I hope to encounter in life.

    When reading the above snippet, don’t only think of someone else. Consider that this may be how someone sees you, while you’re focused on the heartache and pain from your past.

    And that’s what is important. Sometimes we’re so fixated on the pain, that we don’t realise what beauty it has unearthed within us.

    Until we do, we’ll always honour the pain, and neglect our beauty.

  • Fanning our rage

    Fanning our rage

    Fear is driven by need.

    The moment we give up on the need, the fear subsides.

    Our need to be significant to those who are significant to us drives most of the fears that may fan our rage at the world.

    But only for as long as we still have hope that there is a chance for us to be significant to them.

    When we give up on achieving that status in their lives, the fear subsides and gives way to an emptiness that carries with it no energy at all.

    That emptiness feels like peace after a lifetime of struggle. But only until we realise that when that peace entered, hope departed.

    Thus, the dulling of the soul begins.

    Quietly receding, carefully subduing, and slowly disappearing from the lives of those we once courted.

    Until, eventually, we successfully fade from our own life.

    Some see it as a cowardly surrender. Or perhaps a convenient choice.

    If only it was convenient to be invisible, more would choose that over self destruction, or suicide.

    When we stop paying attention to those who seek us out, we surround ourselves with those we seek instead.

    If we don’t find a balance between the two, we’ll find the isolation that accompanies being both, looking for a place to belong, but finding none.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock