Blog

  • When silence is preferred

    When silence is preferred

    We’re sometimes so focused on being heard, that we don’t stop to consider if we’re taking the time to understand.

    Feeling heard is similar to feeling appreciated, and no one behaves badly when they feel appreciated.

    Therefore, when we encounter difficulties in communicating with those close to us, we must pause to consider why it is that they may have a need to be heard before they’re willing to listen.

    When this goes on for long enough, and we’re forced to choose between walking away or remaining silent, we remain silent to keep the peace so that our living conditions are bearable.

    That silence is not always silent. Often, it’s passive aggressive in being selective about engaging.

    Like engaging willingly with friends or extended family, but only having essential conversations with our significant others.

    When communicating becomes a burden, or a reason for endless arguments or nitpicking, or circular debates, silence is preferred if walking away is not an option.

    To break the cycle, as always, we must focus on what we contribute to that cycle, and we must change that.

    If we’re unhappy about the cycle in which we find ourselves, we must own our contribution towards that cycle rather than frustrating ourselves waiting for others to change what they contribute towards that cycle.

    This is especially true for problems with communication.

    When we’re not getting the engagement that we’d like to have with our partners, or others, we must consider why it is that what is obvious or important to us, is not obvious or important to them.

    Hint: It’s never because we’re not good enough for them. Most often, it’s because they don’t feel significant enough to us.

    It always starts with you.

  • A moment of trust

    A moment of trust

    It’s impossible to go through life without trusting others.

    But, if we’re not careful, the trust that we invest in others could result in consequences that create a struggle for the rest of our lives.

    Most often, when choosing a partner, we focus on how trustworthy they are in the present circumstances, but have no idea how they will be should circumstances change.

    Equally so, we often have no idea how we may cope under duress should our circumstances change.

    That’s when things get complicated, or when things outside of our control bring out the worst in us.

    99% of relationships encounter issues because of a change in external circumstances that brings out a side of our partner, or us, that we never thought possible.

    In that moment of duress, we either expect them to be understanding and supportive, no matter what, or we expect them to be consistent in their love and trust towards us, no matter what. All depending on who is going through the trying circumstance.

    That’s when trust is tested.

    Navigating such circumstances become that much more complicated when we assume that they were dishonest about who they were, or what they stood for.

    The reality is that most of us fail the consistency test when we encounter unexpected duress as a result of a change in circumstances. This includes the simple change between being in a courtship versus being married.

    The change in role results in a change in expectations, which is what provokes insecurities that we never knew we had.

    If we don’t have a healthy support structure to help us through that transition, and if we’re not open to advice when we experience such challenges, we set ourselves up for a lifetime of pain because of the belief that we were betrayed, or that we’re not understood.

    Be careful with how you rely on trust to get you through life. Most often, it’s not trust that is the issue but inflexible expectations based on insecurity.

    Own Your Life.

  • The destruction of self-deprecation

    The destruction of self-deprecation

    In our efforts to subdue our ego, many resort to self-deprecation.

    Sometimes we put ourselves down to test if anyone will be willing to disagree with us, thereby hoping to receive acknowledgement or appreciation that would otherwise not be forthcoming.

    At other times, we put ourselves down because we try to convince ourselves that we should not expect more from those around us.

    In both instances, we know, deep down inside, that we are being dishonest with ourselves.

    However, when we are convinced of our inadequacy, or truly believe that we’re not worth more or good enough, that’s when we become saturated with ingratitude.

    The reason we become convinced of our lowly state is not because of who we know ourselves to be. It’s because we constantly judge ourselves by how much others accept or approve of who we are.

    If we reject ourselves, we become more reliant on validation from others.

    Worse still, if we reject ourselves, we rarely fulfil the rights of others because we don’t believe that we’ll be good enough, so we avoid the rejection by not contributing in the way that is expected from us.

    On the surface, we may appear obstinate or selfish, but the truth beneath the surface is that we’re simply putting up our defences to avoid our shame from being revealed. That is, the shame of what we think we’re lacking in.

    Gratitude for the self cannot be inserted by anyone else.

    No amount of validation from others will establish such gratitude. If anything, external validation will risk taking ourselves for granted because we’ll lose ourselves to doing things for show or praise, rather than sincerity.

    Be careful of the slippery slope of ingratitude.

    It destroys more lives than any other vice we may have.

  • A simple smile is all it takes

    A simple smile is all it takes

    Discover something amazing about your emotional wellbeing by Googling the science of a smile.

    The obvious part from your research will reveal that it is the choice to smile, and not having a good reason to smile, that releases feel-good hormones into your brain.

    Therefore, a physical smile, even without good reason, raises your mood and overall sense of wellbeing.

    The not-so-obvious part is that this confirms that our thoughts and decisions precede the chemical response from our brain.

    The reason this is critically important is because it confirms that the chemical balance in our brain does not predict our emotional disposition, or our mood. It reflects how we feel.

    Don’t believe me? Research it for yourself, and you’ll discover that there is no science to support the theory of chemical imbalance being the cause of emotional duress.

    Your emotional duress is due to a legitimate experience that weighs you down.

    The moment you blame chemical balances for how you feel, you give up your ability to own your emotions, and to own your life.

    The difference between being a victim of life and being grateful for the life that you have lies in understanding why you feel the way that you do, rather than judging yourself for being inadequate for not having a happy or content disposition.

    Change the way you see yourself, and the way you experience your life will change.

    It always starts with you.

  • Dehumanising the human

    Dehumanising the human

    Don’t become so fixated on labelling yours, or the behaviour of others, that you lose sight of the human struggle behind that behaviour.

    Labels make it easier for us to deal with stuff.

    The moment we give it a name, we can manage our expectations around it.

    This is fine when it comes to abstract stuff and tasks or problems that we deal with as part of a regular day.

    But it becomes detrimental when we start labelling behaviour and then responding to that label, rather than recognising the legitimacy of the human experience behind that label.

    Popular labels include depression, bipolar, narcissism, and egotists, to name only a few.

    It’s one thing describing what we’re observing as our experience of someone’s behaviour, but the moment we reduce the human to that label, we become part of the struggle that they’re already grappling with.

    We must learn to connect with the human struggle long before we label it as an illness or a deficiency.

    For example, we don’t suffer from depression, but we do have good reason to feel depressed because we’ve lost hope in something important working out the way we need it to.

    And so it is with all other so-called mental illnesses.

    We lose compassion and empathy, and thus disconnect from our own humanness, when we define the entirety of a being by a single label of unacceptable or unpleasant behaviour.

    Reclaim your humanness, so that you may be able to honour the humanness of those around you.

    Start by avoiding self-diagnosis of the emotional state of others.

  • Looking a gift horse in the mouth

    Looking a gift horse in the mouth

    When we’re driven by aesthetics and appearances, social standing becomes more important than substance or authenticity.

    We lose ourselves to the way we want to be perceived, rather than what we want to create.

    We grow defined by how others treat us, or how well we can hide our flaws.

    We pursue all the right things that hold the promise of a good life, but still feel empty and incomplete.

    Religiosity replaces submission, and spirituality is lost to the show of goodwill.

    When we focus on how we appear to others, or how we think they’ll judge or accept us, we’ll reject what is good for us, so that we can hold on to the hope of being good enough for them.

    In the end, we lose ourselves, and thus any acceptance we receive from others becomes pointless.

    The sweetness of life is lost when we reject who we are, because we’re afraid of being rejected by others.

    That’s how soul mates pass each other like ships in the night, or companions drift apart like clouds after a storm.

    The winds of distraction will guide us into places that are foreign to the needs of our soul.

    Reclaim your life by connecting with the truth of who you are.

    Own Your Life.

  • Raising humans

    Raising humans

    Parents are pretty much always well meaning, even when we behave like idiots.

    We’re either trying to encourage our kids to be driven like us, or trying to raise them to be better than us.

    And if we’re convinced that we’re not good for them, or that they deserve better, then we create distance between them and us because we are convinced that our presence may contaminate the wholesomeness of what they’re capable of being.

    Either way, whether we’re present, absent, invested, or disinterested, the role that we play in their lives cannot be dismissed.

    The more we’re given to our own fears and insecurities, the less justice we’ll do to raising them with a healthy sense of self.

    Connecting with our fears and insecurities, and putting in the effort to understand ourselves better, is what will equip us to inspire our children to reach for their potential.

    Otherwise, we’ll focus on discipline, good manners, decorum, and academic achievements, while hoping that they’ll somehow develop confidence and a healthy self-esteem simply through achieving good things.

    Most often, this approach fails. It may produce functional adults, but it doesn’t produce emotionally grounded adults.

    It emphasises the importance of duty and servitude, but it diminishes the importance of the human behind such attributes and achievements.

    If you don’t have a healthy self-esteem, your battles will be projected onto your children, and it will contaminate their self-esteem in ways that will only become evident later in their lives.

    Save yourself and them from a lifetime of internal struggle, and start dealing with your fears and insecurities in a meaningful way now.

    Your future self will thank you for it, and so will your children.

    It always starts with you.

  • Gratitude is the sister of faith

    Gratitude is the sister of faith

    When faced with trials, there are too many who surrender to coping with such trials instead of persevering to overcome them.

    Purposeful perseverence is called for when we find ourselves in situations that are weighing us down.

    No matter how little our resources or ability to influence the outcomes, using that little that we have while having faith that we will rise above it is what will slowly build the momentum to finally overcome the trying circumstances.

    The moment we diminish even the little that we have or the little influence that we can bring to bear on the situation, we risk falling into ingratitude.

    Ingratitude is the enemy of faith.

    When we diminish who we are because of the way that others treat us, or because we convince ourselves that we are undeserving of better, we take ourselves for granted and give up any opportunity to improve the condition of our lives.

    Faith is not born out of certainty, nor out of favourable conditions.

    It is tested during moments of hardship, and is often taken for granted during moments of ease.

    Thus, gratitude and faith become companions, because when we live with ingratitude for who we are, we will find ourselves in situations that will test our faith.

    And the more we live with gratitude, not only for what we have but especially for who we are, despite the weight of life, we will always find comfort in knowing that we are capable of navigating the trials of life while having faith that ease will follow the hardship.

    It is only through connecting with gratitude that we recognise the ease that followed the many hardships and trials of life, while ingratitude leaves us focusing on the persistent trials that followed those periods of ease.

    Thus, a grateful heart connects with the reality that ‘this too shall pass’, because they continue to purposefully persevere in persuing good, despite not always having it within themselves to immediately overcome the bad.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.