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  • Self-help guides are not sustainable

    Self-help guides are not sustainable

    For those who believe that my books are self-help guides and are expecting instructions for life from it, this may clarify my approach for you.

    The above photo is from The Egosystem p.25. I don’t believe in prescriptive exercises or methods when advising others about how to navigate the challenges in their lives.

    Such prescriptive approaches assume that others are like us, and that their lives are like ours.

    It also assumes that they have access to the same resources and support structures as we do, and that they interpret the events of their lives in the same way that we would.

    None of that is true.

    We’re each unique in our relationship with the world around us. That’s why a prescriptive approach will never be sustainable.

    It may provide interim relief, but it will not be sustainable the moment your circumstances change.

    Creating understanding and awareness about why you are who you are, and why you feel the way that you do allows you to choose your responses to life more mindfully, and in a way that is uniquely you.

    Otherwise all we’re doing is creating mini-me versions of coaches and therapists and counsellors in the lives of our clients.

    How does that help anyone? 🤔

    Own Your Life.

  • When sincerity is tested

    When sincerity is tested

    Like the old saying goes, talk is cheap, and actions speak louder than words.

    It’s easy to say the right thing, especially when times are good and what we’re committing to is convenient.

    However, when our commitments pull us between what we want for ourselves versus what we committed to doing for someone else, that’s when our sincerity is tested.

    But what defines our sincerity?

    Is it how we want to appear to others or how we live by the values that we stand for?

    The moment we’re focused on what others think of us, we play to the responses that we want from them, even when we’re doing something good.

    The problem with this is that without realising it, our motivation slowly shifts from living by our values to how we are perceived by others.

    That’s the beginning of how we lose ourselves to the attention that we get from others.

    More than this, the lower our self-respect, the more inclined we’ll be to say the right thing while finding it difficult to do the right thing.

    That’s when making excuses for our behaviour becomes easy when others challenge us about the commitments that we haven’t honoured.

    This is an indication of a low level of self-respect.

    Self-respect is tainted when we lack gratitude for who we are.

    The more we dismiss the value of who we are, the more we’ll need validation from others. Hence the unhealthy cycle of focusing on what others think of us, versus being true to who we are.

    We’ll only be true to who we are if we truly value who we are.

    For this reason, don’t expect sincerity or consistency from one who is self-loathing. And realise that you are self-loathing when you struggle to be consistent or to follow through on the commitments that you make to others.

    It always starts with you.

  • Don’t trade your best for their worst

    Don’t trade your best for their worst

    There is rarely a day that passes without me reading or hearing about someone who invested years, if not decades of their life, to people who were not invested in the relationship.

    When the reality of that betrayal finally hits home, it destroys our spirit and convinces us that we’ve sacrificed the best years of our life while having nothing more to look forward to.

    Nothing could be further from the truth.

    The same way we were able to create beauty in such a desolate landscape, we must recognise that the best of us that we gave was simply the truth of who we were. And are.

    The moment we discard that because it was discarded by an ingrate who was looking for servitude of their ego when they could have had love for their essence, we become ingrates just like them.

    Don’t trade who you are for who they were. It’s never a fair trade. You owe yourself more than that.

    And self-pity will only ever prevent you from being true to yourself.

    Embrace the beauty of who you are despite the ugly of who they were.

    That’s how we take back the gift that they discarded so that we may be able find a more fitting recipient.

    As long as you’re breathing, there’s always hope.

  • Dishonesty is the thief of peace

    Dishonesty is the thief of peace

    We focus too much on how others treat us, and too little on how we treat ourselves.

    Honesty is one of those things that we find distasteful and repulsive when someone withholds it from us, but we overlook it when we do it to ourselves.

    When we’re dishonest with ourselves, we find ways to justify that dishonesty.

    That justification comes in the form of avoiding tough discussions, surrounding ourselves with people we find agreeable, and avoiding those who will challenge us when what we say doesn’t resonate with how we behave.

    That’s how we end up running away from the harsh truths that we prefer not to face, until eventually we become convinced that our running away is in fact our struggle to create a better life for ourselves.

    We convince ourselves that the circles that agree with us are in fact the ones who care, while most often they’re also running away from their own lives, looking for familiarity in their quest to find their ‘tribe’.

    We must choose our company wisely. But we must also choose it sincerely.

    Like a wound, avoiding the truth of who we are or what we’re responsible for, only creates fertile ground for such realities to become festering wounds that slowly rupture and destroy the very peace that we set out to achieve.

    That’s how the past that is not resolved, haunts the future that we’re desperately in need of.

    You owe yourself honesty and sincerity before anyone else owes it to you.

    It always starts with you.

  • When your sincerity is tested

    When your sincerity is tested

    Our sincerity is tested when we’re faced with the opportunity to contribute in kindness, while being treated with disregard or ingratitude.

    But it’s not our sincerity towards others that is tested.

    It is the sincerity of our convictions about what we hold true as principles to live by.

    We lose the best of who we are, when we abandon it in the face of neglect from others.

    When we withhold our contribution because we’re afraid that it won’t be appreciated, or repaid in kind, we diminish who we are to become like who they are.

    Of course, in everything, there must be moderation.

    And the moderation in this is that we must be mindful of when our selfless contribution may be enabling their selfish behaviour, or validating their ingratitude.

    So give without the expectation of receiving, but don’t give to the point where you exhaust yourself while feeding the ungrateful mindset of one who feels entitled without good cause.

    Moderation is key in everything that you do, except your expression of gratitude.

    And sometimes, that gratitude is expressed by withholding your contribution from others because you want them to experience gratitude for what they keep taking for granted before you continue to give.

    It always starts with you.

  • Positive thinking fallacies

    Positive thinking fallacies

    Important reminder from the archives…

    There is much harm in this widespread acceptance of the so-called power cf positive thinking.

    Most importantly, it suggests that our thoughts inspire the actions of others.

    That is patently incorrect.

    It also suggests that if we focus on positivity, we’re guaranteed to attract positivity.

    That is dangerously incorrect.

    We all wear masks of some kind.

    When someone offers us an opportunity to fill the gaps in our lives that those masks are intended to hide, we are attracted to them, and vice versa.

    A healing spirit will attract a hurt soul, and hurt souls often attract the generosity of a healing spirit.

    But that doesn’t mean that the one that is hurt will choose to be healed.

    Many find comfort in the affection and care that their hurt attracts.

    When that comfort defines their self worth, they will respond aggressively when expected to rise above it, or encouraged to heal from it.

    That’s when the masks fail them and the relationship breaks down.

    This law of attraction thinking is a fallacy that will harm more than it will heal.

    It’s not accurate to say that what we’re focused on is what we will notice.

    If you’re looking for what’s right in your life, you’ll connect with it and nurture it. And if you’re looking for what’s wrong, you’ll see all of it and grow despondent from it.

    Be careful of what philosophy you buy into.

  • Feeding that generational curse

    Feeding that generational curse

    Don’t contribute towards the generational curse that weighs you down by withholding who you are because of ingratitude from those who themselves are at war within themselves.

    We all have our internal battles that cause us to show up badly at times.

    When we lose sight of this, we focus on how others show up badly and then judge them, or we judge our value to them, as being inadequate.

    That’s when we expect the world to make up for how we feel about ourselves, despite having traded the best of us for the worst of others.

    But this transaction is an internal, quietly hidden one.

    It’s a transaction that creeps up slowly, almost gently, so as not to cause alarm as we shift from gratitude, towards ingratitude, and finally towards bitterness.

    When you feel like you’re facing roadblocks at every turn, it’s time to take stock of where you’re at, so that you can find your way back to the path towards the destination that you wanted for yourself before you were distracted by the demons of others.

    You don’t break generational curses by fighting it.

    You break it by rising above it, while creating space for your tribe to join you when they’ve had opportunity to experience the value of your journey.

    But, if you don’t pursue your journey with conviction and consistency, you deny yourself and others the opportunity to discover a more wholesome way to live.

    It always starts with you.

  • Dreams are abandoned in silence

    Dreams are abandoned in silence

    No one celebrates their defeat, or their surrender.

    When they appear to be doing so, they’re looking for empathy or assistance to overcome what they’re finding difficult to deal with.

    Or they’re preemptively exposing their shame to deny others the opportunity to shame them.

    Giving up loudly is a test or a plea to see if what we’re struggling with is important to those around us.

    It’s a means to ask for help when asking for help feels like weakness, or vulnerability.

    It’s a way of raising concern about something that we’re unhappy about in company from which we feel uncomfortable asking for assistance.

    And we give up silently when we’re finally convinced that it really didn’t matter in the first place.

    That’s when we go quietly, without a sound or a sign, but with resolve to leave it behind and move on.

    Pay attention to what your loved ones are no longer complaining about, or not asking for help on.

    Silence always holds more answers than shouting out loud.