Blog

  • Don’t lose yourself to the chase

    Don’t lose yourself to the chase

    No one sets out to chase money or the high life.

    But many convince themselves that such a lifestyle will earn them the happiness and fulfilment that they desire.

    Sadly, we easily become distracted by the lifestyle and lose sight of the fulfilment that we seek.

    What we need emotionally, and how we need to show up for those around us, is quickly forgotten in the chase to maintain what we have, or to increase it.

    When we become defined by the quality of life that we have, we lose ourselves to its pursuit.

    Worse still, when we define our quality of life by what we have, we must realise that we have already lost ourselves and the cherished bonds with those around us.

    There are many who fiercely defend the accumulation of wealth and luxury as their service to those around them.

    They’re the ones who believe that who they are is not enough, hence the need to compensate by providing materially what they lack emotionally.

    Gratitude for the self must precede gratitude for our quality of life, or else we’ll find ourselves forever feeling incomplete, being able to choose our misery, but unable to choose our fulfilment.

    Choose carefully, before all you’re left with is wasted time and lots of money.



  • Know why, or else…

    Know why, or else…

    I often have to remind myself that it is not the disregard that others show for what I do that matters, it is my need for them to show regard for what I do that distracts me when they are uninterested or condescending.

    Similarly, it’s not the disrespect, or the lack of affection that gets us down, it’s the knowledge that we trusted someone with our need, while they chose not to honour our need, that hurts us.

    The hurt often distracts us towards fighting for our needs to be honoured, or our trust to be appreciated, while distracting us from two key things.

    We gave trust because we have it to give, and can therefore retract it at will rather than waiting for it to be returned.

    And, we offered of ourselves to someone who themselves may not have the same to offer in return.

    The choice on how to proceed from that point of realisation is dependent on how much value we place in that relationship, and in that need that we have from them.

    Recognising these differences could be the difference between abandoning a relationship for the wrong reasons, or staying in it for the wrong reasons.

    The right thing to do only comes to us when we understand why something feels wrong.

    Otherwise we end up raging or feeling despondent without knowing why, and then wait for the world to make us feel better about ourselves.

    If you make big decisions without understanding why you feel compelled to make such decisions, you will find a lot of regret awaiting you on your path through life.

  • Reclaim you

    Reclaim you

    There is a belief that a hug fixes everything.

    It doesn’t.

    There are times when a hug loses its comfort or its safety because it comes from the very source that keeps causing that pain.

    Words spoken in anger always cut deeper than any hug can reach.

    In such cases, a hug is like an apology.

    It is a plea for forgiveness or an agreement to stop the hostility, but without substance in changed behaviour, it becomes hurtful in its own way.

    A hug from the one who is causing us pain, when they don’t recognise or acknowledge the pain that they’re causing, further intensifies the pain of being with them, or of being invisible to them.

    Without realising it, we become so focused on that pain that we lose sight of how we end up trading our self-worth for the hope of receiving their kindness.

    Sometimes, if we’re beyond needing their kindness, we trade our self-worth for the need for vengeance or retribution so that they can feel how they made us feel.

    Either way, when we focus on the pain, we lose ourselves to the experience, and become caught up in the cycle of pain that caused them to treat us badly in the first place.

    In that realisation lies the opportunity for healing, and for peace.

    Reconnect with your self-worth, fed your past will cease to define your future.

    It always starts with you.

  • Silent trauma, or peace?

    Silent trauma, or peace?

    I’ve often seen claims that receiving the silent treatment from someone is the equivalent of emotional abuse – if not abusive itself – and I wondered how it is that doing nothing to someone can be considered abusive?

    I once read that what disturbs us is not the disturbance around us, but rather our inability to deal with that disturbance.

    The same is true for silence when what we desire are words or communication.

    The assumption that we make about the silence from others is that they have reason to believe that their words will have effect, or that it will bring about the understanding that they need or are trying to create.

    We also assume that they are capable of articulating what they feel and must therefore be as capable as we are in communicating what they are feeling.

    Worst of all, we judge them for being inadequate in their silence because they’re ‘supposed to be an adult’.

    Silence only becomes necessary when we have no hope of getting our point across, but do not want to walk away either.

    The silence creates space for understanding. But that space will not be used for understanding if the other person is persisting in demanding that they be communicated to in the manner, and at the time that they need to be communicated to.

    The real question that we must reflect on is, “Why are we so impacted by the silence from others that we feel rage instead of seeking to understand instead?”

    Rage is our defence against being insignificant.

    That’s why silent treatment feels like abuse because it provokes our own feelings of inadequacy or insignificance, and not because the silence itself is abusive.

    The assumptions that we make about the motives behind someone else’s behaviour is most often based on what we would be motivated by if we were in their shoes.

    Think about that the next time you are inclined towards judging someone harshly before having explored opportunities to create understanding.

  • Generational what?

    Generational what?

    The true destruction caused by our insecurities is that it destroys the good that we’re supposed to be creating in the lives of those around us.

    Insecurity isn’t always displayed through anger or defensiveness.

    Most often, to hide our insecurity, we over-compensate in spaces where we feel competent, so that we can avoid or distract attention away from that which we’re insecure about.

    Like focusing on being a hard-working father or a dutiful mother because we don’t know how to show up emotionally for our children.

    Or focusing on our children’s education at all costs, without connecting with the little humans behind that life of responsibility for which we’re preparing them.

    Or preparing them to take over the family business because they must appreciate tradition or legacy.

    As always, we can’t give what we don’t have. That’s why we can only give what we received.

    The problem is, we’re always so focused on what we didn’t receive from the roles of fathers and mothers in our lives, that we didn’t pause to consider that there were fragile humans behind those roles as well.

    Like us, our parents also have their insecurities as humans, but duty and responsibility also distracted them from realising that the anxiety about the future, or the frustration about the present was a sign that their emotional wellbeing was not where it needed to be.

    Thus, they focused on duty and responsibility, in the hope that we would be better at it than they were, not realising that we needed to feel seen and heard beyond duty or expectation.

    That’s how good intentions driven by a low self-worth can cause destruction while we think we’re creating good.

    That’s how generational trauma or unhealthy family values are passed down without realising it.

    If always starts with you.



  • Failed expectations

    Failed expectations

    The greatest hurts are not from blatant lies.

    The deepest cuts are from those we hold dear when they deliberately ignore what they know is important to us.

    Or worse, when they deliberately do what they know offends us.

    When we make known our expectations or needs from a significant other, we reveal to them what is closest to our heart and leaves us vulnerable.

    That’s why we are given to rage or emotional turmoil when they deliberately ignore or refuse to honour our needs with love and gentleness.

    We all fall short in this at some point for two reasons. It demands of us to be available in a way that may reveal our inadequacy, or we withhold our contribution because we want to communicate to them how we also feel ignored and uncared for.

    So if someone says to you that you should abandon expectations to avoid being hurt, understand that they’re also telling you to abandon the very cement of the trust in your relationship.

    If we cannot trust our significant others with the expectations that make us feel valued and fulfilled, then the essence of the relationship will be like that of any other relationship with an acquaintance.

    It is the trust that we place in each other that endears us toward each other.

    By all means, recognise the power that you’re giving your partner, but understand that without giving them such power, you will have no bond between you.

    And if they consistently fail in fulfilling your needs from them, consider that either they do not possess the emotional tools to fulfil it, or they may have expectations of you that you are overlooking.

    Understanding the truth behind their failure to show up, rather than assuming that they’re behaving in that way out of wilful and conscious intent, will allow you to either remedy the correct shortcoming in your relationship, or to contribute towards its failure.

  • The truth about compromise

    The truth about compromise

    That old adage about marriage being about compromise explains why so many marriages appear so burdensome to the ones involved.

    Before you start listing all the sacrifices that you make towards making your marriage work, consider that a willing compromise or sacrifice is a contribution towards something greater than who we are.

    The only time sacrifice becomes a compromise is when it is done begrudgingly.

    When we consider what we’re creating, we contribute towards its outcome.

    Contribution, by its very nature, demands that we give up something in exchange for something of value to us.

    And that’s the secret to marriage not being a compromise.

    Marriage is about creating something that brings us joy and fulfilment, and hopefully leaves a legacy that improves the state of this world.

    Yeah, we may technically give up an indulgence for ourselves because of the greater good that we’re pursuing, but as always, perspective is 110% of reality.

    Focus on what you’re giving up, and you’ll lose the joy of what you’re creating.

    Focus on what you’re losing, and you’ll lose sight of how much more you’ve gained.

    So focus on what you’re creating in your marriage, and sacrifice won’t feature. Only a willing, heartfelt contribution will drive your efforts.

    Life becomes hollow when you seek to only take what you need, or when you constantly focus on what you’re getting in exchange for what you’re giving.

    Give because you have something of value to share. Not because you need something in return.

    Own Your Life.

  • Do you practice self-serving justice?

    Do you practice self-serving justice?

    The matter of justice doesn’t only apply to matters of criminal behaviour or social conduct, but it’s especially true for how we conduct ourselves within our family units.

    It’s the injustices that we experience within our families that result in the misconduct that we express in our lives.

    That injustice doesn’t always feel like a blatant abuse. Often, it’s a subtle avoidance of doing what’s right, or speaking out against family norms that are harmful to some.

    When we benefit from such injustice, we find it acceptable, or at least defensible, to remain silent.

    The way we benefit from it includes enjoying the inclusion or sense of belonging to the family unit.

    It includes winning favour with he heads of the family, or earning our place at the table of the family business, or even securing our inheritance.

    That’s when we become party to the injustice that affects even us, but from places that we assume to be detached from our family unit.

    Injustice in the home is the root of injustice in this world.

    First do right by your own before you go out into the world to do right by others.

    This is not charity. It is justice in its truest form.