Tag: selfawareness

  • 2020: It doesn’t matter

    2020: It doesn’t matter

    Depleted. That is my word for 2020.

    After an eventful year, the net effect of this year has depleted my resources physically, and especially emotionally. Even a colourful life such as the one I’ve managed to create for myself could not have prepared me for the year that has passed.

    I discovered new levels of intensity of the best of what this world offered, and the worst. It was as if the higher the peak of the summit, the better the view of what was unreachable. This, if nothing else, was the beautifully wrapped gift of this year that I’d sooner forget than cherish.

    But a selective memory is one thing that I’ve been denied. The trials of life have always been experienced in full colour, with gentle hues serving as nothing more than the frayed edges of the darker shades of destruction that preceded it. Each time, leaving me more depleted than before.

    That brings me to my favourite phrase for 2020. It doesn’t matter. Despite the best efforts that I brought to bear on achieving some of the most important milestones of my life, I was reminded each time that it doesn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was what I was able to contribute towards the uplifting and healing of others. I guess that’s the burden of having a resilient spirit. Many find in that reason to take without any concern about depleting your resources. Especially your emotional resources.

    Perhaps that source of emotional resilience is the true alchemy of our souls. The ability to create beauty and tenacity through sheer will, despite having no reason, nor love, with which to create it. We create our own.

    This realisation has perhaps caused me to stumble upon yet another obvious truth that escapes too many. It is our creation of something from nothing, like the ability to love after having been through horror, or finding inner peace in the midst of turmoil, combined with the same from another, that offers us the semblance of companionship and the love connection of soul mates, when that effort is met in equal parts and with similar conviction. It is not the result of such a meeting, but in fact the meeting of two such results that creates a beautiful completeness about life. When one withdraws, the meeting is tarnished, and the promise of home once more denied.

    The reasons for withdrawing are many, most of which are fickle exaggerations of the assumptions of a tired soul. But the resulting abandonment faced by the other holds within it just one true value. That is, the reminder that despite the best intentions or efforts, true love can be fleeting if misplaced ideals are honoured while reality is discarded.

    There are some who appear in tune with the flow of joy in life, and then there are those like me, still struggling to find that flow at all. But not finding it doesn’t prevent us from stirring up the alchemy of the soul. That endless source of wonderment and inspiration, to see what is possible, despite repeated blows to the heart by what turned out to be impossible.

    This year has reminded me of one singular profound truth about who I am. I have never been the sum of a carefully nurtured gift. Yet, I have prevailed. I have never been the product of a caring society, yet I contribute. Most of all, I have never been the recipient of an unconditional love, yet I love deeply. The alchemist within me is still breathing, sometimes laboured, but still breathing. And this has been the source of the greatest wonderment and the deepest cuts that I’ve encountered in my troubled existence on this earth.

    But it’s a troubling existence that has left others more uneasy than it has ever left me questioning the purpose of life. It is my stubborn subscription to the value of not being defined by the actions of others towards me that has allowed me to maintain a semblance of sanity in my life. But sanity is subjective. And, I guess, so is purpose. My need to be of positive consequence in every setting that I encounter has been hardwired into my soul long before my first conscious thought was spawned. It is this need that drives my subscription to what I believe to be the purpose of life.

    ‘It doesn’t matter’ therefore doesn’t apply to my efforts towards others. But, instead, it confirms that no matter the responses I get, both good and bad, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feed this yearning to be true to myself before I am true to anyone else.

    Hence, I find myself contemplating my circumstances at the end of yet another trip around the sun. After having experienced the most beautiful moments and the darkest of horrors this year, sometimes at the same hands, I find myself still firmly attached to that rope that has kept me resilient and purposeful all my life. That is, a rope that tethers me to the divine, while the darkness of the troubled souls of this world continue to nip at my heels hoping to trip me up in their efforts for me to join their ranks of bitterness.

    It doesn’t matter. It never has. The only thing that ever mattered was me being able to live with the decisions that I’ve made towards others, even when their decisions towards me dishonoured the memory and commitment that they once shared. Despite this path being lonely, there is no companionship to be found in denying myself to appease the insecurity of another. Perhaps it is this conviction that feeds my resilience, or perhaps it is my inborn resilience that makes such convictions possible. Whatever came first doesn’t matter, as long as what goes last remains true to the convictions that I claim to uphold.

    Anything less will be hypocritical. And that is a despicably slippery slope indeed.

  • Time rewrites every line

    Time rewrites every line

    From my blog post titled Legacy of Beauty, this excerpt resonated strongly this evening.

    “As time morphs the pain into beauty it also morphs the beasts into angels.

    Those that manipulate the vulnerable suddenly appear as the downtrodden when their loss of control is lamented as a betrayal of love or affection.

    I sit with morbid amazement as I watch kids who are barely teens reminiscing about childhood and the wonderment that went with it as if it’s a long lost part of their lives, and I feel sad.

    The sadness deepens when I witness how their recollections embellish events to make it more wholesome or inclusive than it really was.

    The disease of the adults appear to have transcended a generation that used to be symbols of hope.

    Those symbols of hope are quickly becoming reminders of despair instead.”

    Read the full post on my blog at https://zaidismail.com/2016/04/29/a-legacy-of-beauty/

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Choose your company…wisely

    Choose your company…wisely

    Choose your company carefully.

    The peace of mind and sense of belonging for which you yearn could easily turn out to be the reason for your anguish.

    There is rarely a day that passes without me reading or hearing about someone who invested years, if not decades of their life, to people who were not invested in the relationship.

    When the reality of that betrayal finally hits home, it destroys our spirit and convinces us that we’ve sacrificed the best years of our life while having nothing more to look forward to.

    Nothing could be further from the truth.

    The same way we were able to create beauty in such a desolate landscape, we must recognise that the best of us that we gave was simply the truth of who we were. And are.

    The moment we discard that because it was discarded by an ingrate who was looking for servitude of their ego when they could have had love for their essence, we become ingrates just like them.

    Don’t trade who you are for who they were. It’s never a fair trade. You owe yourself more than that.

    And self-pity will only ever prevent you from being true to yourself.

    Breathe, beloved…even when that breath threatens to prolong the agony of your life. Breathe. And embrace the beauty of who you are despite the ugly of who they were.

    That’s how we take back the gift that they discarded so that we may be able find a more fitting recipient.

    As long as you’re breathing, there’s always hope.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Own your demons

    Own your demons

    When faced with the brutal aggression or harshness from another, it’s easy to convince ourselves that they treat us that way because of how they feel about us.

    Unless we’ve done something to specifically provoke them by treating them in a way that undermines their dignity or the trust that they placed in us, their behaviour is not because of who we are to them, but rather because of what we represent from their past.

    The victim rarely expresses their rage at an overwhelming aggressor, so such rage builds up until they find a safe space in which to release it.

    That safe space is someone who they can control or subdue. Someone who reminds them of their inadequacy which sends them into a blind rage to want to protect themselves from ever feeling inadequate again.

    Because that’s what anger is. That’s what rage does. It’s a defence against being vulnerable, or feeling abused, neglected, or taken for granted.

    Recognising these signs in others will save you the anguish of questioning your self worth, and more importantly, it will save others from becoming the outlet of the rage that builds up within you because of the ill treatment that you received at the hands of someone else’s demons.

    Break the cycle, beloved. Breathe. Take stock. And reclaim your voice that was surrendered to the angry battles that were not of your doing.

    If you’re struggling to reconcile your experiences at the hands of a troubled soul, or if you’re trying to understand the source of the rage that threatens to destroy everything good in your life, reach out and let’s work through it together.

    Contact me via WhatsApp on +27836599183 or via my website at zaidismail.com and together we can create the life that you’ve always wanted.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • The pain of being empty

    The pain of being empty

    When we’re overcome with the pain of betrayal, or loss, our focus is often on what we no longer have, rather than the gaping hole that it left in our soul.

    We try to reconcile the events or the mysteries that led up to that moment when what we cherished was suddenly taken.

    Sometimes taken by fate, but at other times taken by force.

    We feel violated when we’re left vacant. When the space we once reserved for one we cherished was abandoned without reason, or for all the wrong reasons.

    When the reasons are easily overcome, if only they’d be willing to overcome it with us.

    When we see in them what they refuse to see in themselves.

    Or when they give up hope for what they need from fear of losing it, again. So they protect themselves from us, not because of who we are, but because of how they were betrayed before us.

    That’s when we need to sit quietly with that gaping hole and find in it the peace that absence promises. It’s a peace found in the absence of expectation, or in the presence of calm.

    But calm is elusive when we’re fighting to get back what is not ours to claim. That’s when pain sets in. That’s when the gaping hole becomes a suffocating mess, rather than a passing anguish.

    Be still, beloved. Be composed. Be at peace knowing that the best of you will never be good enough for those who are not good enough for themselves.

    Their demons are your pain only because you see the beauty that they never tasted.

    Don’t give up that beauty because of their bitter tongue. Their bitterness is theirs to savour, and yours to abandon. Breathe…

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Trading your future for your past

    Trading your future for your past

    How much of life is wasted trying to reconcile the bad experiences of the past?

    For every moment that we spend dwelling on an injustice or oppression against us in the past, we impose an injustice and oppression on ourselves and others in the present moment.

    The present moment is what takes care of the future. That’s why we have much hopelessness and little inspiration to create a beautiful life for ourselves.

    When beauty appears, we are more inclined to reminisce about how it was lost or destroyed in the past, so we focus on protecting ourselves from such pain in the future, by discarding the beauty of the present moment.

    When the present moment is lost to the bad experiences of the past, we effectively trade our future for the pain of the past.

    That’s how life slips by while we watch from the sidelines waiting for justice.

    Waiting for fairness.

    Waiting to be appreciated.

    Waiting to be seen.

    Waiting for happiness.

    Waiting…stop waiting beloved. The same way you were able to create beauty amidst the horror, you are capable of creating beauty from the ashes of the life you once invested in.

    You were the source of that beauty, not them.

    Breathe, beloved. Breathe…exhale the toxins of who they were, and inhale the hope of the beauty that you are still capable of creating.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Surrender to servitude

    Surrender to servitude

    We all want to be significant because of who we are. This is what defines our place or sense of belonging in this world.

    When we find reason to believe that we are not enough, we convince ourselves that we will only ever be valued for what we can do.

    That’s when we stop trying to make our mark by being true to ourselves, and instead become defined by our efforts to excel at what we do.

    When this mindset sets in, we actively seek opportunities to serve, or to be recognised for our accomplishments, and not for our humanness.

    This is how we dull our spirit, settle for being invisible, and deny the world our unique contribution of who we are because we convince ourselves that it doesn’t matter. That we don’t matter. That all that matters is what we can do for others on their terms because what we want will always be too much for those around us.

    Nothing could be further from the truth. But we’ll only truly matter when we learn to appreciate ourselves despite the rejection or betrayal that we may face from those around us.

    Each time we subdue our spirit, we give others permission to take us for granted. That’s how we give up the sweetness of life.

    [This is an Incomplete thought process, but one I believe to be worth sharing]

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock


  • To tell your story

    To tell your story

    Sometimes, we grow obsessed with finding a receptive heart to appreciate the story of who we are.

    It’s a story that we cherish so dearly that just the thought of placing it in careless hands is frightening.

    It becomes a weight that we carry within us, keeping us anchored to moments long gone, but moments that we dare not forget.

    Such moments grow to define us well beyond its occurrence, holding us back from creating new moments of joy.

    That’s what we lose sight of most. Holding onto the weight of the past prevents us from rising up once more.

    When we tell our story, even if whispering it to the wind, we give our thoughts and emotions a form and a space that allows us to see it beyond the fear and the shame that shrouded it within us.

    We allow ourselves to finally see ourselves beyond the wounds that we thought would forever define our place in this world, because finally, we allow ourselves to see the old version of who we were, through the eyes of the current version of who we are.

    But we must be sure to be looking at ourselves through our own eyes. The moment we find ourselves judging that older version of who we were, or even who we are now, we’re not looking at ourselves through our own eyes. We’re looking at ourselves through the eyes of those whose validation we’ve been chasing for so long.

    Breathe beloved, and look at yourself with kindness and understanding, not with the harshness or intolerance that defined the bitterness of others.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock