Category: relationships

  • Are you sure you have an attitude of gratitude?

    Are you sure you have an attitude of gratitude?

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    Are you sure you have an attitude of gratitude?

    With all the ‘attitude of gratitude’ narratives, I thought it might be helpful to identify when we’re not being as grateful as we think we are.

    Gratitude for the self is reflected in how you value who you are without a need to diminish the value of others.

    Sometimes, we convince ourselves that we need to take care of ourselves at the expense of the rights that others have over us, while not realising that this mindset is one of a victim who feels oppressed.

    Defensiveness and imbalance in how we deal with life is therefore a common outcome when we lack gratitude for who we are.

    Gratitude is not reflected in putting yourself first.

    Again, that’s a victim mindset.

    Gratitude for the self is reflected in how you feel about yourself when others are grappling with their self-worth while blaming you for it.

    As mentioned before, gratitude is what we do with what we appreciate, that’s why the truth of your gratitude for yourself is reflected in how you exercise your abilities to create value in your life and the lives of those around you, despite not being acknowledged or appreciated for it.

    So, if you connected with any of the 9 points in the above post, you have some introspection due.

    You cannot give what you don’t have.

    If you’re lacking in gratitude for yourself, you’re likely teaching your kids and others how to be selfish, or how to be martyrs, but it’s unlikely that you’re teaching them how to be grateful for who they are.

    It always starts with you.

  • Choose your battles carefully

    Choose your battles carefully

    There’s that old saying that reminds us that if we stop to respond to every barking dog, we’ll never get to the end of the street..

    The lack of interest, lack of respect, or lack of appreciation that you receive in response to your efforts towards what should be joint goals is good reason to get into arguments or debates with those around you about what you need from them.

    We’re human, so there will be times when we all need a reminder about what we may be forgetting or neglecting, so those tough discussions are sometimes beneficial when you express how you’re affected by what others are doing or not doing.

    However, find a balance between investing in relationships that are mutually respectful, versus recognising when you’re just seen as background noise because what is important to you is not important to them.

    This is true in every role that we may play, including parenting, professional roles, partnerships in business, and especially with our partners in life.

    The easiest thing to do is talk a big talk about what we stand for.

    Recognising who repeatedly doesn’t live by their words is a good starting point to reconsider how much of your time and effort is justified in trying to get through to them.

    While we must always keep working at creating understanding because that is the root of the love and harmony that we want in life, we must also be able to know the difference between a misunderstanding and a lack of interest.

    It’s the lack of interest in the other person to live up to the shared values that you may have with them that becomes important to recognise when you should invest in building understanding, versus when you are wasting your time trying to get through to someone who lacks interest in what’s important to you.

    This is where mindfulness is more important than commitment, or else you’ll be fully committed to a dead end while convincing yourself that you’re striving towards a shared goal.

  • How much are you worth?

    How much are you worth?

    When your behaviour is driven by how others treat you, the good times become dull, and the bad times become dreary.

    It might seem endearing to focus on how others treat you so that you can return the favour if they’re being sweet or kind, but that means that you are not being true to yourself in that moment.

    Your response to someone should be based on how you feel about what is going on in that moment with them, and not a pacified version of you to avoid conflict or to not let them feel bad.

    The reason this is important is because if you hold back for long enough, you slowly build up resentment about not being able to be yourself, while the other person has no idea that you’re holding back all the time.

    That results in two entirely avoidable issues.

    Firstly, they have very good reason to doubt your sincerity when they discover that you’ve been less than sincere all this time.

    Secondly, neither will you nor they know the real you behind that show of pleasantries.

    That’s just one more way to suck the joy out of life while waiting to find happiness.

    Being true to yourself must be your first priority in any relationship. That’s what adds to the substance of it all.

    But being true to yourself doesn’t mean being inconsiderate or abrasive, or being self-centred or offensive.

    It means speaking your truth and expressing yourself with passion and sincerity without diminishing the other person in the process.

    It’s about giving them an opportunity to experience the real you, the way that you want to be experienced, and not the way that you think they deserve to experience you.

    It always starts with you.

  • Celebrate the victim, destroy the human

    Celebrate the victim, destroy the human

    What we take from a traumatic event is infinitely more important than the event itself.

    It’s how we feel about what we experienced that weighs down on us more than the experience itself.

    The more it shakes our confidence, the greater our need for reassurance and support.

    While it’s entirely understandable to be overwhelmed in the aftermath of a terrible experience, it’s entirely avoidable to become defined by that experience.

    That’s when we need to be careful about celebrating or revering the experience of the victim to the point of not building them up to rise above it.

    Rising above the horrors of life doesn’t mean carrying a badge of honour to let the world know what you survived.

    That’s honouring the victim.

    Rising above it means seeing the experience for what it was, recognising what you didn’t know or couldn’t have controlled, and most importantly, remedying your trust that was broken in that moment of upheaval.

    Because that is what is lost when we experience a traumatic event.

    Our trust with the world is broken, leaving us gripped with fear because of the uncertainty of everything that we once embraced as our safe space.

    When we celebrate the victim, we redirect their trust to be placed in their support structures and safe spaces, rather than rebuilding their trust in themselves so that they don’t carry that experience as a dark shadow for the rest of their lives.

    This is not victim blaming. It’s destroying the impact of the aggressor beyond the moment of aggression.

    Own Your Life.



  • Selective inheritance

    Selective inheritance

    Our relationship with our parents, whether they were present or absent, wholesome or abusive, will have a distinct impact on how we shape our character through life.

    Not only will we develop our sense of self based on how we felt in their presence, but they are also our main point of reference in how to raise children, or show up as a partner to our spouse.

    Whether you actively adopt or actively reject what you experienced with them, that becomes the grounding point that informs your decisions about what is or isn’t acceptable in your future relationships, and specially in your parenting style.

    Judgement has nothing to do with it because knowing right from wrong or good from bad is easy.

    There is no shortage of material and advisors to point out what or who is right or wrong.

    Unfortunately, there’s a critical shortage of advisors to help us to understand why, despite knowing what’s right, so many of us struggle to do what’s right. Including our parents.

    Connecting with the human behind the role, both in your parents and in yourself or your partner, reignites the empathy and compassion that judgement kills within us.

    It is judgement that makes us harsh and rigid towards each other, while understanding breeds appreciation and compassion, if not affection.

    Join me with panelists Hana Haths and Dineo Nomayeza Sibuyi on Saturday, 29 October 2022 at 2pm for an in depth discussion about this and other topics related to the gender wars that prevail in the SA Muslim community.

    Tickets available at zaidismail.com at a nominal charge of R100 for in-person attendance and R60 for Zoom participation if you’re not in the Johannesburg area.

    Refreshments will be provided.

    Limited seating available so book now before the last minute rush.

  • Recycling generational trauma

    Recycling generational trauma

    One of the biggest mistakes in trying to break the generational trauma cycle is that we focus on NOT wanting to be like our parents.

    All that allows us to do is figure out what we don’t want for ourselves and our children.

    While that might seem like enough, it also means that we will only become aware of our own unhealthy traits that we’re passing onto our children through trial and error.

    Remember that knowing what you don’t want doesn’t mean that you know what is good or healthy. It means that you only know what of the unhealthy stuff you don’t want, but it doesn’t mean that you know what other unhealthy stuff awaits you.

    Trial and error is a very painful and exhausting way to figure out how to build healthy relationships with our children, or with our parents, and by extension, with our partners.

    By focusing on what we don’t want in life, we go through life in defence mode because we’re constantly protecting ourselves from the threats that may lead to a repeat of our experiences in our childhood or past relationships.

    Thus, we risk replacing one cycle of generational trauma with another.

    Seeking to understand why our parents may not have been capable of more than what we got from them is key to breaking the cycle.

    But, we don’t know what we don’t know. That’s why fresh perspectives are needed in our efforts to unravel these difficult experiences of life.

    This will be one of the key discussion points at the next event on Gender Wars on 29 October 2022.

    If you haven’t booked your ticket yet, do so now at zaidismail.com.

    Zoom tickets also available.


  • Burn yourself, why don’t you.

    Burn yourself, why don’t you.

    Anger always claims a higher price from ourselves than it ever will from the people on whom we project it.

    And before you assume that to be false because of the lasting impact that it has on its victims, understand that that lasting impact is because of their anger at the one who was taking out their anger on them.

    When we carry the impact of such anger for long after the incident has passed, it’s because we cannot make peace with what was done to us, while waiting anxiously for our pain or suffering to be acknowledged, and the perpetrator to be given a taste of justice.

    No matter the circumstances, our anger is because of our feelings of insignificance or dry the hands of those who treated us badly.

    What we hold onto them keeps us on high alert for any signs of anyone else treating us in that way.

    That’s why innocent gestures from others will trigger us, because it feels like those experiences that still haunts us.

    Anger is our demand for significance from the world, especially from significant others.

    Anger is always expressed in a space where we have no fear of repercussions, but is kept at bay when we have reason to fear the consequences of our angry expression.

    The one who is angry is the one whose self-worth is low in that moment of anger.

    Therefore, as long as you hold onto anger, you diminish your self-worth.

    For this reason, we must own our anger, and we must recognise the source of the anger from those around us.

    The moment we react in free, we become a willing participant in their war, while believing that we are justified in giving them a taste of their own medicine.

    The question is, at what price do we lose ourselves to anger in our fight for justice or in our efforts to correct the wrongs around us?

    Anger is not needed for firm and resolute action against injustice.

    If anything, it distracts us from our purpose and causes us to become oppressors, just like the ones who oppressed us.

  • Assumed to be inadequate

    Assumed to be inadequate

    Assumptions are those things that eventually appear as facts because we’ve been making those assumptions for so long that we don’t see reason to question it any longer.

    It’s a theme that sets in over a long period of time, and becomes the lens through which we see the world.

    More importantly, it becomes the lens through which we see ourselves.

    When we lose sight of these assumptions, we either become delusional about our success, or self-deprecating about our inadequacy.

    Either way, it denies us a harmonious and fulfilled life.

    As we respond to the demands of life, we slowly grow convinced that we were compelled to do much of what has contributed towards the quality of our life.

    For example, it’s the avoidance of homelessness that drives many to seek employment, or the need to pay debts that convince us to spend wisely, or the need to hold on to our jobs that drive us to improve our knowledge and skills.

    Each of those are driven by fear, even though we may find some joy or accomplishment in them.

    When fear is the underlying motivator that drives us to accomplish big goals, we soon find ourselves wondering once more, “OK. What’s next?”

    We end up chasing life and slowly getting worn down when we lose sight of the fact that regardless of the reason why we HAD TO DO something, our ability to do it was a true reflection of our capability.

    That’s the part that we should focus on. Our capability, not the fear that drove us to be capable.

    Take away the fear, and suddenly you’ll realise that you don’t need an external motivator to accomplish goals in life.

    You just need to recognise your own abilities, and develop your own vision for the life that you want.

    It’s really that simple.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.