What we take from a traumatic event is infinitely more important than the event itself.
It’s how we feel about what we experienced that weighs down on us more than the experience itself.
The more it shakes our confidence, the greater our need for reassurance and support.
While it’s entirely understandable to be overwhelmed in the aftermath of a terrible experience, it’s entirely avoidable to become defined by that experience.
That’s when we need to be careful about celebrating or revering the experience of the victim to the point of not building them up to rise above it.
Rising above the horrors of life doesn’t mean carrying a badge of honour to let the world know what you survived.
That’s honouring the victim.
Rising above it means seeing the experience for what it was, recognising what you didn’t know or couldn’t have controlled, and most importantly, remedying your trust that was broken in that moment of upheaval.
Because that is what is lost when we experience a traumatic event.
Our trust with the world is broken, leaving us gripped with fear because of the uncertainty of everything that we once embraced as our safe space.
When we celebrate the victim, we redirect their trust to be placed in their support structures and safe spaces, rather than rebuilding their trust in themselves so that they don’t carry that experience as a dark shadow for the rest of their lives.
This is not victim blaming. It’s destroying the impact of the aggressor beyond the moment of aggression.
Own Your Life.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #trauma #abuse #traumabonding #ownyourlife #theegosystem
Tag: trauma
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Celebrate the victim, destroy the human
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Coming Soon: Launch of Life Coaching Practice
My life’s calling has always prompted me towards this project. Throughout the years, despite my focus in my professional career having been in the information technology and management consulting arenas, I was always drawn to the human story behind good or poor performance. Unlocking potential in people who had a very limited view of what they were capable of has always proven more fulfilling than the highest paying roles that I’ve filled.
I walked away from a seven figure salary to pursue this dream of mine. The people around me thought I was crazy, and many still do, but I know what I’m passionate about. That is, empowering people to rise above the constraints of their upbringing! In a nutshell, that is my calling in life. To inspire and guide others towards embracing the enormous potential that they have within them.
My approach differs considerably from the norm, but having been doing this for no fee for many years now on a part time basis, I have proven that breaking the mold of traditional psychotherapy and life coaching, and finding a balance between the two is the most effective way to reinvent yourself. Some brief examples of unconventional successes that I have had over the years include:
- Career Coaching – Transforming individuals from entry-level jobs to highly sought after technical specialists without them having a tertiary qualification
- Life Coaching – Guiding individuals out of a chronically depressed state to being motivated and inspired to pursue their dreams
- Marriage Counseling – Restoring balance and respect in homes that were disrupted by external influences
- Health and Wellness Coaching – Helping individuals identify the causal relationship between their emotional state and their health, and guiding them towards overcoming it. (Especially effective for chronic conditions also known as lifestyle diseases.)
- Anger Management – Guiding individuals towards realising the source of their anger and effectively resolving it so that it does not hinder their growth or happiness in future
- Personal Trauma – Anything from divorce, to abusive relationships, childhood trauma that still deeply affects adults, and other forms of emotional abuse has been successfully unpacked and processed to release the hold that it had on the victims of such circumstances
My coaching approach is best described as a holistic approach. My first book titled The Egosystem dealt with the core of the human condition and how it shapes our lives. My second book will focus on practically applying those insights into your life so that you can find your balance and point of grounding to be successful, both in your personal and professional endeavours.
In the weeks to come, I will share more information about the service offering, rates, payment options, and the format that the coaching sessions will follow. My website will also be updated to allow for online booking of sessions, including real-time payment, and resources to make it more accessible for everyone. I will also be offering virtual coaching sessions so that it is accessible from anywhere in the world.
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Dramatic Trauma
I’ve always been curious about the impact of our perceptions on the reality we seem to contend with. This became even more prominent in a recent discussion regarding the way in which we perceive or interpret various experiences and how it subsequently affects us. One thing I realised is that I don’t recall ever looking at any of the many colourful experiences in my life and feeling distinctly overwhelmed or traumatised by it. The thought of it being traumatic never entered my mind.
Sure, there would be times when I would describe the experiences of others as traumatic events in their lives, but I think there is a very important difference between how we describe something for effect, versus how we experience or internalise it. This rings true to my views about labels and how that also drives conditioned responses within us. Without intending to rob others of the gravity of their life experiences, I would suggest that the moment our internal conversations suggest to us that we’re experiencing a traumatic event rather than just a challenging event, it reinforces the sensations associated with feeling attacked, as opposed to raising our awareness of our response options instead.
It reminds me of moments when the responses of others towards an event in my life seemed to have heightened my awareness to the impact of it compared to how I felt a moment before they said anything. This has happened to me often regarding death or near death experiences. I would cope with the reality quite well, but would be jolted into a deeper sense of loss or betrayal when I saw the emotion in the faces of others that were witnessing the events unfold.
It’s like the contagion of a yawn. We tend to feel a need for rest after watching someone else going through a really hearty yawn, even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with our energy levels before that. I think this is the same response we have towards people that express raw emotion around us. We’re drawn to it like a moth to the flame. Sometimes it grounds us in compassion, but often it sucks us into the victim state that makes it that much more difficult for us to emerge from it. More destructive than this is when we find a sense of comfort in the sympathy from others that dwarfs any level of comfort we experienced in the normal course of our lives. That’s when the weak and neglected among us play to the sympathies of others and remain bogged down in a phase of their lives that ultimately defines their existence, not because the event itself is too traumatic to let go of, but the attention and significance it afforded them is too rare for them to want to give up. Rare in the context of their lives.
It’s that dramatic emotional response that leaves a lasting impression. It makes a mediocre life noteworthy, and when that fleeing moment threatens to pass, a cycle is spawned where we seek opportunities to create triggers for yet more sympathy because as long as others sympathise, the true frailty of our lives would escape us as long as we enjoy the sympathetic embrace of others. That embrace tells us that it’s ok to be broken. It tells us that simply surviving is a triumph in itself, and that any lack of conviction or courage to move beyond that point is completely understandable.
That’s when we fail ourselves, and we fail others. When we gauge the intensity of the struggle of our lives relative to the weaknesses of others. It’s for this reason that we need to look towards those that rose above it rather than those that coped. Unfortunately, our celebration of mediocrity makes it increasingly difficult to tell the difference. Couple that with our innate fear of exposing ourselves to the same opportunity that earned us betrayal and you have a perfect recipe for a victim’s regret that is despised on the inside and dressed as strength on the outside. If only we put as much energy into moving on, life would be so much more endearing.
