Tag: zaidismail

  • Claim your humanness

    Claim your humanness

    My daughter looked quite distressed when she asked me this question over the weekend.

    “What drives people to be so cruel to animals, like skinning them alive, or abusing them for profits?”

    The first thought that came to mind was this. We only lose our humanity when we feel less than human.

    The truth is, we only lose our humanity when we believe that we are defined by what happened to us, rather than what our choices were in response to those trials of life.

    Watching her grappling with the reality of who she is versus how others have treated her and betrayed her trust in her short life is grounding me in ways that I never thought possible.

    I swayed from anger at not knowing how to be there for her, to self-pity for not being a good enough parent, to a quiet albeit sad patience, knowing that all I can do is allow her the space to come to terms with the harshness of life in a way that makes sense to her.

    As her father, I fear that she may outgrow me in the process, which stirs up the self-pity and anger, but just as soon, I regain my composure knowing that by giving in to either, I will only create a self-fulfilling prophecy if I insist on inserting myself into this precarious space in which she finds herself.

    So my test in her test is to be consistent and available while she finds her way through it.

    The struggle of single parenting is grossly underrated.

    And the struggle of a single father raising a daughter even more so underrated.

    Through it all, there was another battle just beneath the surface of the ones that I thought were important. That is, the battle to claim my humanness in the face of exactly the same kinds of betrayals and cruelty that I had faced, which are echoed in the struggles that taunt her.

    And it’s through recognising this deeper battle within that I realised the root of my anger and self-pity. It is the need to have my sincerity and effort accepted by one I hold dear, so that the lessons learnt at the hands of brutes and hypocrites will allow me to give that which I did not receive.

    Also, it is my need to protect her from the demons that have so often derailed my efforts in life. I want to protect her from that which ravaged me when I was her age.

    But I can’t. No one can save us from the journey that we must take to discover the beauty of who we are.

    The only thing we can do is remind them that giving up midway through that journey is never worth it. Because once you emerge from the other side, there is a depth and breadth to your humanness that would otherwise have escaped you, and would have left you empty and wanting in your efforts to connect with the beauty around you.

    The irony being that the depth and breadth that is discovered further isolates you from those who distracted themselves through that journey, rather than embraced the pain and the education that it offered.

    A beautiful patience and a courageous perseverance is needed to hold on to your humanness in an inhumane world.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Pause…

    Pause…

    Sometimes, when the cacophony of crap crowds your head, you need to remember to pause for long enough to give it a chance to find the door.

    I often have to remind myself about what I need to stop doing, rather than what I need to actively resolve.

    Some things increase in intensity and complexity the more we try to fix it.

    It’s those moments where we let go and trust that each person involved in our lives have their own will to find peace.

    By constantly trying to lead them to that peace, we redirect attention to our efforts rather than that goal, and that is how we cause them to be defensive or obstinate, rather than creating space for them to apply themselves without the pressure of expectations.

    Some say live and let live. I prefer to say live and let die…that which is not capable of sustaining its own toxic influence.

  • Be purposeful

    Be purposeful

    Be the one who acts with purpose and conviction, and leave greatness to take care of itself.

    The moment you’re focused on who you’re attracting, or how you appear to others, you’re distracted from your purpose.

    Be purposeful. And connect with the value of who you are and what you wish to create in the lives of those around you.

    The rest will find its own balance.

    And the need for control will disappear as you learn to trust in the benefit of living purposefully and with conviction.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Perspective rules

    Perspective rules

    Perspective defines our reality.

    Taking the worst from an experience doesn’t diminish the good that it contains. It simply denies us the benefit that is waiting to be experienced.

    The opposite being true too. Focusing on the benefit reduces the impact of the bad that we experienced.

    Maintaining a healthy balance between the two keeps us grounded. Going to either extreme leaves us flighty and whimsical, or burdened and morbid about the future.

    Moderation is key, and maintaining a practical perspective rather than one influenced by fear significantly reduces the stress that we experience in life.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock


  • Contaminating the self

    Contaminating the self

    Self-worth is contaminated when we try to define it by the way we think others perceive us.

    Whether their perception is correct or not is irrelevant.

    The fact that their perception has more sway over our self-worth than our perception of ourselves is what determines the difference between a healthy self esteem, and an unhealthy one.

    Many struggle to connect with who they are in the absence of an external voice validating them.

    That external voice is not always aware of the validation that they provide because the one in need of such validation invests themselves in inspiring others to feel accomplished and amazing. [This is important!]

    When that investment is not well received, or is credited to someone other than the one making the investment, the self esteem of the investor is destroyed.

    That’s how we lose ourselves to servitude. We lose sight of our ability to serve, and become defined by how our service is appreciated, or rejected.

    Thus, are arrogant ones created. Arrogance being nothing more than a proclamation of the good in us that we need others to acknowledge.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Sabotaging destiny

    Sabotaging destiny

    There are so many memes encouraging gut feelings and instincts to drive or decisions about how to treat others.

    I wish there would be more making us aware of what creates that feeling in our gut to begin with.

    The emotion most commonly experienced as a physical sensation is that of fear. And fear, more than anywhere else in our bodies, is experienced in our gut or in our chest. Both physical centres associated with a gut feeling.

    That tightness, that churning, or the uneasiness we feel that spreads up to our chest and shortens our breath. Gripping fear is more common than butterflies of excitement.

    So when we trust our gut blindly, we project our past experiences on the present moment. We use past experiences with people that treated us badly to make assumptions about the motives of people who are trying to connect with us now.

    That’s how we lose the present moment or sabotage good opportunities because we look for signs that they’re the same as those who came before them, rather than seeing them for who they are. Any positive attributes we see are easily dismissed out of fear of those hints that suggest that they’re just a facade because of something that reminded us of a past hurt or betrayal, or worse.

    When we honour without question our emotions in that moment of fear or stress, we stop being mindful about our emotional state in the current experience. This prevents us from determining if our instinct is correct or not.

    We must be willing to test our instinct if we hope to avoid becoming presumptuous about others, both positively or negatively.

    Except for gratitude, everything else requires moderation to avoid the harms of excess. And following our instincts blindly causes as much harm as the good that it offers.

    Be balanced. Be mindful. Seek to understand your emotions rather than to surrender to it so that you don’t abandon reason in favour of fear.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Choose better

    Choose better

    We choose what we take from life.

    Understanding those choices is therefore key to finding peace, or joy.

    Our choices, even though sometimes painful, are always based on good intentions in that moment of choosing.

    But, when that good intention is driven by a need to establish our significance rather than connect with the value that we want to create, our choices become understandably poorly informed.

    Once again, understanding why we were distracted enough will add sweetness to our hindsight.

    Looking back on our unpleasant experiences with understanding rather than judgement helps us to find peace where we currently may only find pain.

    Seeking to understand is what disarms the bitterness of betrayed expectations and replaces it with the peace of acceptance.

    If you’re struggling to reconcile your past in your efforts to create a better future, reach out via my website at zaidismail.com or on WhatsApp at +27836599183. Together, we can create the life that you’ve always wanted.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Don’t look the other way

    Don’t look the other way

    Those who oppress others are often the first to draw attention to the weakness or inadequacy of those that they oppress.

    They do this to pacify their conscience so that they can avoid the guilt of treating others poorly.

    The reason why judgement works well in such cases, for both the abuser and the abused, is because it creates distance between us and our contribution towards that oppression, and therefore allows us a comfortable space in which to abdicate responsibility in doing something about it.

    When we judge, we assume that the abused has options or resources that they are aware of without finding a need to connect with them, or to directly assist them.

    Judgement is also kinder to the abuser because it inevitably focuses on creating excuses for their rage or self loathing.

    It’s through judgement that we most often enable such despicable behaviour while maintaining a comfortable distance.

    If the abused are left to fend for themselves because we don’t want to meddle, we become part of the problem.

    If nothing else, at least call out abuse for what it is when you see it. And if it’s become normalised in the life of the abuser or the abused, then take time to make them aware of why it needs to stop.

    Abuse is never constrained to just the relationship in which it prevails. It is a poison that destroys the innocence in society, leading to social ills that inevitably find their way into the lives of those you love, despite you not wanting to meddle in someone else’s business.

    Speak out against abuse. If you don’t cease the hand of the abuser, you enable their behaviour. That makes you complicit in their vile actions.

    If you’re trying to break the cycle of abuse in your life, reach out via my website at zaidismail.com or on WhatsApp at +27836599183 and let’s create the positive change that you deserve in your life.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock