Tag: relationshipgoals

  • How much are you worth?

    How much are you worth?

    When your behaviour is driven by how others treat you, the good times become dull, and the bad times become dreary.

    It might seem endearing to focus on how others treat you so that you can return the favour if they’re being sweet or kind, but that means that you are not being true to yourself in that moment.

    Your response to someone should be based on how you feel about what is going on in that moment with them, and not a pacified version of you to avoid conflict or to not let them feel bad.

    The reason this is important is because if you hold back for long enough, you slowly build up resentment about not being able to be yourself, while the other person has no idea that you’re holding back all the time.

    That results in two entirely avoidable issues.

    Firstly, they have very good reason to doubt your sincerity when they discover that you’ve been less than sincere all this time.

    Secondly, neither will you nor they know the real you behind that show of pleasantries.

    That’s just one more way to suck the joy out of life while waiting to find happiness.

    Being true to yourself must be your first priority in any relationship. That’s what adds to the substance of it all.

    But being true to yourself doesn’t mean being inconsiderate or abrasive, or being self-centred or offensive.

    It means speaking your truth and expressing yourself with passion and sincerity without diminishing the other person in the process.

    It’s about giving them an opportunity to experience the real you, the way that you want to be experienced, and not the way that you think they deserve to experience you.

    It always starts with you.

  • Life is nothing without gratitude

    Life is nothing without gratitude

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    Life is nothing without gratitude

    Gratitude is only possible if you’re present in the moment you’re in.

    Fear distracts us from the present moment by reminding us of the past and tainting our experience of the present.

    It’s when we look for evidence in the present moment of the causes of pain from our past, that we find reason to protect ourselves from the future, while missing the value of the present.

    Many of life’s beautiful moments are lost because we’re waiting for someone to recognise our struggle, or to make up for our pain.

    It’s not about whether you deserve better or not.

    It’s about whether you do better with what you’ve got.

    Putting your life on hold while waiting for justice or revenge only puts YOUR life on hold. No one else’s.

    When you finally realise this, you either have reason to rage even more because you suddenly noticed how everyone else’s lives moved on while you still haven’t received justice, or you have reason to realise that it’s your life that is being wasted for a moment that has already passed.

    By all means, seek justice if need be.

    However, don’t cause further injustice to yourself and to those who have rights over you by destroying the good you have while waiting for the bad to be avenged.

    Gratitude is impossible when we’re fixated on the past.

    And happiness is impossible if we’re afraid of the future.

    It always starts with you. Now.

    Own Your Life.

  • Ungratefully appreciative

    Ungratefully appreciative

    Words that carry good intention but lack conviction, often causes more harm than good.

    Like expressing appreciation for the blessings that we have, but treating those blessings with disregard because we lack true gratitude for it.

    The expression of appreciation towards something is the equivalent of a good intention, and nothing more.

    Gratitude runs much deeper than appreciation.

    Appreciation is merely acknowledgement of what good we recognise we have in our life or the good in someone who contributes towards it.

    Sometimes, it is acknowledgment of a convenience or even an essential item that we have, like a car, or a house, or good health.

    However, gratitude is what you do with what you appreciate, or how you treat those whom you claim to appreciate.

    Gratitude is lost when we always intend to do great things but get distracted by the petty things resulting in a lack of follow through.

    That lack of follow through betrays the trust that we place in ourselves to achieve our goals, and it betrays the trust that others place in us when we express good intentions towards them but don’t follow through.

    Therefore, the absence of gratitude when we express appreciation feels like insincerity and dishonesty, despite the good that we may sincerely intend at the time of expressing appreciation for what or who we have in our lives.

    Remember, it’s what you do with what you have, and how you treat those you claim to appreciate, that determines whether you are truly grateful for them, or if you take them for granted while acknowledging what good you get from it, or them.

    It always starts with you.

  • Avoiding life is waiting for death

    Avoiding life is waiting for death

    Sometimes, avoiding drama seems like the only possibility of experiencing peace.

    But, that’s like saying that as long as we’re not sad, we must be happy.

    We know that’s not true.

    The absence of unpleasant events in our life may give us reason to be grateful for not having them, but it doesn’t mean that we’ll feel fulfilled or content with the life that we have.

    That lack of contentment is what leaves us feeling uneasy or restless, knowing that we should be grateful that it could be worse, but also knowing that there must be more to life than just the avoidance of drama, or the fulfilment of responsibility.

    We weren’t created to maintain a status quo.

    Since birth, we were driven towards progress and improvement, and stagnation felt like a threat to the joy of life.

    Because it is.

    Stagnation kills our spirit and convinces us that there is nothing much to look forward to.

    If every day seems like a repeat of the day before, what then becomes the purpose or reason to want to rise to a new day?

    Avoiding unpleasant outcomes is only enough to avoid unnecessary trouble, but it doesn’t mean growth or fulfilment.

    If you want to experience the sweetness of life, you need to go beyond avoiding things, and instead, start embracing new experiences, new ideas, and new concepts.

    You must be improving the quality of life of those around you, and not just your own.

    Fulfilment and joy is experienced from seeing the face of another light up because of your contribution towards their life, it’s not through seeing an extra digit on your bank balance.

    That bank balance means nothing if it doesn’t bring joy or upliftment to those around you.

    And not having someone to share your joy with is like witnessing a beautiful sunset, by yourself, each day, every day, until witnessing the sunset by yourself feels inconsequential.

    That’s what the absence of drama is like.

    It feels empty and pointless, because there is no point to a life of stagnation.

    Own Your life.

  • Selective inheritance

    Selective inheritance

    Our relationship with our parents, whether they were present or absent, wholesome or abusive, will have a distinct impact on how we shape our character through life.

    Not only will we develop our sense of self based on how we felt in their presence, but they are also our main point of reference in how to raise children, or show up as a partner to our spouse.

    Whether you actively adopt or actively reject what you experienced with them, that becomes the grounding point that informs your decisions about what is or isn’t acceptable in your future relationships, and specially in your parenting style.

    Judgement has nothing to do with it because knowing right from wrong or good from bad is easy.

    There is no shortage of material and advisors to point out what or who is right or wrong.

    Unfortunately, there’s a critical shortage of advisors to help us to understand why, despite knowing what’s right, so many of us struggle to do what’s right. Including our parents.

    Connecting with the human behind the role, both in your parents and in yourself or your partner, reignites the empathy and compassion that judgement kills within us.

    It is judgement that makes us harsh and rigid towards each other, while understanding breeds appreciation and compassion, if not affection.

    Join me with panelists Hana Haths and Dineo Nomayeza Sibuyi on Saturday, 29 October 2022 at 2pm for an in depth discussion about this and other topics related to the gender wars that prevail in the SA Muslim community.

    Tickets available at zaidismail.com at a nominal charge of R100 for in-person attendance and R60 for Zoom participation if you’re not in the Johannesburg area.

    Refreshments will be provided.

    Limited seating available so book now before the last minute rush.

  • Judge as you wish to be judged

    Judge as you wish to be judged

    We speak from a position of privilege when we judge the failures of others within the context of what is possible for us.

    Even something as simple as the resolve we have, or the choices we made to rise above a challenge, comes from a place of assuming that our emotional resilience is the same as theirs.

    When we assume that everyone is equal, we deny the human struggle that affects all of us differently.

    Something small for one, could be a mountain for another.

    And the mountains that some climb every day because of their circumstances, could be overwhelming for those of us who were never faced with such trials.

    Comparing our efforts and accomplishments with that of others who are going through similar challenges that we once experienced is an act of arrogance, not support or concern.

    If we are sincere in uplifting or supporting others, then we must seek to understand the reality that they are facing, rather than judging them through our view of reality.

    After all, isn’t that what we cry about in the silent, dark hours, when we feel misunderstood or unappreciated?

    We treat others the way that we treat ourselves.

    When we judge ourselves harshly, or have no reason to expect support from those we cherish, we hold similar expectations of others who we find struggling.

    We expect them to ‘man up’ or to ‘put on their big girl panties’ and just move on.

    That’s how compassion and empathy are lost, and insensitivity becomes the standard by which we view others.

    Choose compassion.

    Reclaim your humanness.

  • The arrogance spawned by fear

    The arrogance spawned by fear

    Fear causes us to fixate on our intentions, while defending the bad behaviour that such fear spawns.

    The fear is most often associated with what we think is under threat, or that others won’t understand.

    So we begin preempting what they intend towards us, or what threats they present to what we want for ourselves.

    When we are driven by fear, we focus on finding all the evidence that validates our fear, and we subsequently ignore all the evidence that proves us wrong.

    Because we don’t want to be wrong.

    Because being wrong adds to the fear of not achieving our goals.

    So we become defensive, aggressive, abrasive, arrogant, rebellious, and more in our efforts to protect what we assume to be under threat.

    And in the process, we turn friends into enemies, and supporters into demons.

    And when the intensity of the fear passes, or when we achieve our goal at any cost, we expect others to accept our good intentions without accepting accountability for the impact of our fear-driven behaviour on them.

    That’s how we diminish the impact of the harm that we cause, when we fixate on our intentions and treat our fear-based assumptions as facts.

    And that’s how we become a source of abuse towards others while we are convinced that we were victims of their lack of understanding.

    That’s how arrogance is nurtured, and important relationships destroyed.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Woe is me…or is it?

    Woe is me…or is it?

    The need to be pacified about the struggles of our life is an indication of how much or how little we believe in ourselves to rise above it.

    When we lose sight of our contribution towards our current state, we surrender to destiny or fate, and wait to be saved or celebrated for how strong we are for persevering.

    Meanwhile, our inaction at changing, or breaking the cycles in which we’re caught, reflects our self-worth more than it reflects our bravery or resilience.

    When the oppressed or the abused remain submissive, they choose to live with shame rather than fight with dignity.

    That fight doesn’t have to be confrontational. Especially when we are physically incapable of subduing the other.

    However, understanding what we’re doing to feed the cycle that is harming us is the beginning of changing what we contribute to such cycles.

    This is not victim blaming. This is victim empowering.

    The difference being that we don’t blame the victim for the oppressor’s actions, but we encourage the victim to reclaim their voice and their dignity, which in turn reduces the validation that the oppressor or abuser gains from their abuse.

    Understanding the cycle is therefore paramount to effective action.

    Action without understanding is like gambling with your life.

    Seek to understand before you surrender to your reality.

    Otherwise you’ll go through life believing you’re trapped, while not realising that there was always an exit strategy available to you.

    It always starts with you.