Tag: mindfulness

  • A victim of your own mind

    A victim of your own mind

    There’s a difference between being a victim in the moment, versus holding onto the victim mindset long after the moment has passed.

    We hold on to the victim mindset when we need others to recognise our struggle, or to acknowledge what we’re having to overcome or deal with.

    The only reason this becomes necessary is because we feel unappreciated for the most part.

    More than this, we also believe that if we don’t have the victim card to play, we will have no excuse when we fall short of the expectations of others.

    The victim mindset is therefore a result of us believing that we’re not worthy in our own right, that’s why we need to give others something to appreciate about who we are and why we are that way.

    This is a classic example of a self-defeating behaviour.

    In addition to all this, when we’re in victim mode, we place demands on others to compensate for our shortcomings, resulting in strained relationships because they become responsible for how we feel about ourselves, while also having to take up the slack that we leave behind because of how exhausting the victim mindset can be.

    You owe it to yourself to rise above the impact of your last experience. Waiting for justice or retribution, or even an apology only results in you placing your life on hold, and most often has zero impact on the one who treated you badly.

    Don’t give them power beyond the event. If you do, you’re feeding the very cycle of abuse or bad behaviour that you feel victim to.

  • Peace always starts with you

    Peace always starts with you

    The next time you find yourself having a disagreement with someone, consider if the way in which you conduct yourself is to demand that they show you due respect or consideration, or are you trying to establish understanding.

    When we feel taken for granted or invisible in something that is important to us, we’re more likely to become defensive, aggressive, or passive aggressive in our efforts to get our point across.

    If we’re not aware of our need for significance, we will go in search of significance in almost every setting.

    This is how we end up yelling at cashiers, losing ourselves to road rage, and being argumentative with co-workers, as just a few examples.

    Understanding why we feel insignificant is the first step towards breaking that cycle.

    Understanding why those who are significant to us are not treating us with the significance that we need is the second step.

    And the third step towards breaking this cycle of rage or bitterness at the world is to understand why we need such validation to feel significant before treating others in a way that is true to who we are, rather than being driven by the anger or disappointment that we feel.

    Emotional mindfulness is core to the above, and having a healthy self-worth is what makes it possible to pace ourselves in our efforts towards creating the understanding and establishing the bonds that we believe will improve the quality of our relationships.

    It always starts with you.

    If you need help to understand what drives you to be less than who you want to be, reach out via my website at zaidismail.com or on WhatsApp at +27836599183, and let’s get the conversation started.

  • What are you really waiting for?

    What are you really waiting for?

    In order to know what’s not right, you need to know what right would look like.

    Or feel like.

    Or taste like.

    Just because you don’t know how to make it right, doesn’t mean you have to accept and live with what’s wrong.

    But sitting back and growing frustrated at your condition without trusting yourself to know that it can or must be better is a self-imposed constraint over your happiness.

    Think of your life as your favourite meal.

    Eventually, as life happens, the free who prepared that meal for you leaves your life, or you leave theirs.

    But, your new partner doesn’t know how, for example, your mom or dad, used to prepare that meal for you, so they try their best to make it the way that you like it.

    Despite their best efforts, they just don’t get it right.

    At that point, you have some choices to make:
    1. Blame them for not doing enough
    2. Understand that they can’t recreate something if they don’t have the knowledge or abilities to do so
    3. Accept that your favourite meal cannot be recreated, so you need to discover a new favourite
    4. Work with them in trying to figure out how to create it, so that together, you can once more create what you once loved

    If you choose 4, you will also be creating space for you and your partner to discover something beautiful together.

    You’ll have less reason to blame them for being inadequate, and more reason to play an active part in creating your joy with them, rather than holding them responsible for creating it for you.

    The most important point being that we must avoid the assumption that if someone isn’t doing what we told them we want or need from them, that they’re withholding it out of spite or selfishness, when the truth is more likely to be that they honestly don’t know how because they didn’t have in their life what we had in ours.

    This is how we begin to create space for new joy in our life, instead of wasting life away while lamenting the loss of what we once had.

  • The living martyr

    The living martyr

    One of the biggest hang ups in life, is wearing our hurt as a badge of honour.

    Our need to have our struggle recognised is born from the belief that we will not be appreciated if others don’t know what we went through.

    It is born from the belief that our shortcomings must be tolerated or understood, or even accommodated by others because they don’t know what we’ve been through.

    While some may look at this and think that it’s a reasonable expectation of compassion, the truth is, when we look to be seen in this way, we diminish the capacity we have to move beyond it.

    We end up investing in the oppressed version of ourselves, while blaming the world for oppressing us.

    If you believe that persevering through struggle is all you’re capable of, you’re oppressing yourself long before anyone else undermines your value.

    Do you really believe that you’re capable of nothing more than to survive the struggles of your life, or do you believe that you have something of value to offer this world, despite your struggles?

    Your answer to that question will determine if you live to survive by the rules of others, or if you live with a passion to leave this world in a better state than it was before your arrival because you believe you have something of value to contribute.

  • A hospital for dented egos

    A hospital for dented egos

    I’ve seen, and experienced first hand, the disaster that awaits when we convince ourselves that the demons that others deal with is our responsibility to resolve.

    Being kind, compassionate, and even understanding does not mean that we must own the decisions that others have made, especially when those decisions include them choosing to hold on to anger from their past instead of embracing the opportunities of the future.

    Remember that you can only offer someone a hand up, you cannot make them rise.

    The same way that you must own your shit, you are responsible for giving them every opportunity to own theirs.

    And that includes not making yourself available as a doormat to them when they’re not owning it.


    You’re not a hospital for the wounded egos of others.

    Compassion doesn’t mean that you must be a martyr.

    Sacrificing yourself to uplift another not only reflects ingratitude on your part for who you are and what you have, it denies your contribution of love to those that have a right to it, including yourself.

    Moderation in everything, and everything in moderation.

    Embrace your life fully, not only its struggles.

  • Are you really you?

    Are you really you?

    We often speak of not letting go of our inner child. But, I always wonder why does it have to be something we hold within?

    Why can’t we embrace the innocence of our childish charms in everything that we do?

    Or did we take away that permission from ourselves when someone once said, “Act your age!”?

    What does it mean to act your age?

    Who defines what that should look like?

    Why do we want to fit in so badly, that we deny who we are when our playfulness may make some old fart feel uncomfortable about their soured soul?

    Stop waiting for permission to enjoy this fleeting life.

    We wait for permission when we look for a specific reaction before we fully commit.

    Or when we restrain ourselves from doing something because someone said it’s not age-appropriate.

    Worst of all, we wait for permission when we withhold who we are because we are disappointed that we’re not appreciated by those around us.

    That’s when we grow old focusing on the struggles of life, rather than reminiscing about the joys.

    Think back to a joyful moment, and it will feel like time flies.

    But think back to a painful moment, and suddenly life feels too long.

    All because we waited for permission before we embraced who we are. Child and all.

  • Mediocrity is the enemy of life

    Mediocrity is the enemy of life

    How often do you hold back so that you don’t ruffle feathers?

    Maybe you hold back because you don’t want to be the odd one out?

    Or perhaps you withhold what you’re capable of because you don’t want anyone to think that you are arrogant, or full of yourself, or trying to steal the limelight?

    When we focus more on what others think of us, than we do on the value of what we want to create, we surrender who we are, for what we think they want us to be.

    Mediocrity is celebrated by those who wish to be included.

    It is celebrated by those who want to be liked.

    Mediocrity is what maintains the status quo, or worse, allows us to slip into becoming irrelevant.

    It is the bold and the courageous.

    The ones who challenge conventions with purpose.

    The ones who don’t settle for what they have the moment they connect with the real life value of what could be better.

    They’re the ones that lead without meaning to.

    They’re the ones that uplift without expecting something in return.

    They’re the ones that create the fascinating experiences that offer a fulfilling life to the ones who celebrate mediocrity.

    Mediocrity is the enemy of progress.

    Mediocrity is the enemy of growth.

    Be careful of taking joy from being celebrated for what you know is not your best effort. Otherwise you may end up holding on to that accolade, from fear of not being able to achieve it if you push yourself beyond it.

    Live curiously. Live purposefully. Live loud. Don’t just exist. Live!

  • Release the bitterness

    Release the bitterness

    I often wonder how much good is denied to the world when love stories remain incomplete?

    We often see quotes reminding us that the next great discovery could be in the mind of a child labourer stuck working in a field.

    Similarly, how much beauty is wasted when treasured bonds are abandoned for reasons other than what exists between them? Beauty of which the world is in desperate need.

    Just as beauty is born of love, so too is bitterness born of loss.

    I wonder what of the troubles of this world is caused by broken hearts, rather than wilful greed?

    It is the sense of loss, or inadequacy in the eyes of those most cherished, that our worst behaviour comes to the fore.

    But there is value even in that.

    If not for still holding on to hope, such an expression of rage or harm would not have any purpose.

    It is only when we still have hope of our pain being consequential that we choose to share our discontent with the world.

    Therefore, it is not the raging lunatic that is most hurt, but the silent one who has no hope of being seen.

    Sometimes their silence is the build up to the storm of destruction that they need to unleash in their final attempt to be heard.

    But often, it’s the abandonment of dreams that perhaps the world really needed.