Tag: selfworth

  • The burden of self-loathing

    The burden of self-loathing

    Allow me to explain…

    “I trust more easily those who expose the struggles of their lives, rather than those who live a life of pretend.”

    Our need to pretend is evidence of self-loathing.

    “But not those who present their struggles to justify their shortcomings.”

    Too many preempt being judged harshly about what they know they’re lacking in their conduct, and present their struggles to offer an excuse for why they are unable to be better than who they are.

    This is further evidence of self-loathing.

    “Such struggles are filtered versions of the truth to present a facade to win favour or sympathy.”

    Be weary of those who wear their hearts on their sleeves. They will expect you to honour their struggles rather than to uplift them from that space.

    “If we lie about our life, how can we be trusted about anything else?”

    Those who present their lives to be something other than what it evidently is, are ashamed of who they are.

    Again, self-loathing is what drives their behaviour.

    When you engage with such people, or if you are doing some of this, the problem to be solved is not one of honesty or authenticity.

    The problem to be solved is one of acceptance and understanding to reconnect with the human that feels less than human.

    To reconnect with the human who lost sight of their value, rather than to correct their behaviour.

    And if you can’t connect despite your best efforts, then remain silent and walk away.

    Your harsh criticism or judgment, no matter how well-intentioned, will further beat down the one who is already beating themselves up.

    Be kind. Be understanding. Be human.

  • Do you matter when it matters most?

    Do you matter when it matters most?

    I often hear about people who are frustrated at not being able to get through to someone.

    The most common assumption when that happens is that we’re obviously not important to them, or what we need isn’t important to them.

    Sometimes, that may be true. Especially when it comes to those who are not close to us but we have to work with or get along with them for reasons beyond our control.

    When we recognise what our role is in someone’s space, we’ll find it easier to choose our moments when our words may be appreciated, versus when silence will be more appropriate.

    Even with loved ones.

    Assuming that we’re unimportant also assumes that what they need is something that they need from us, let alone something that we can give them. .

    That’s the difficult part to accept because of our desire to be everything for those we love.

    However, it’s a distraction from what’s really going on in their space.

    Without meaning to, we make their needs about us while losing sight of what they need.

    Sometimes, seeking to understand before assuming to be insignificant may increase the significance that is felt by both, whereas demanding significance diminishes the significance of both.

    The fear of insignificance has probably created more insecurity than insecurity itself.

    If you’re convinced of your value, acceptance or validation from others, while still important, will not have an unhealthy impact on you when they’re not expressing it in the way that you need.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Do you remember you?

    Do you remember you?

    In the face of rejection, it becomes easier to claim who we are.

    But not always.

    Sometimes we claim a version of ourselves as a protest against those who judge us harshly.

    If we don’t realise that we’re doing it, we’ll convince ourselves that we need to be that way to save face or to maintain our credibility, or to get them to pay attention.

    But in the process, we grow further apart from who we really are because we wanted to test our significance with a significant other that treated us like we were insignificant.

    Eventually, we lose sight of the path to reclaim who we are, at which point we look to blame those who treated us badly for causing us to be bitter about life.

    All this can be avoided if we stop to consider the real reasons as to why others treat us badly, rather than assuming that they do so because we’re just not good enough.

    Most often, it’s because they feel like they’re not good enough.

    The same way that they project their insecurities on us, we do the same in return, all in the name of trying to confirm our significance by avoiding the appearance of weakness.

    The moment we blame others for how we connect with our life, we become part of that cycle of harsh judgement and rejection, because we’re denying the choices that we made by abdicating responsibility for the state in which we find ourselves.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Betrayed expectations

    Betrayed expectations

    Without realising it, expectations create an underlying sense of entitlement regarding the outcomes that we want.

    That entitlement is what influences our attitude and demeanour in how we approach things or relationships.

    When we feel justified to have such expectations, we lose sight of the entitlement, which leads to the intensity of emotion that we experience when our expectations are not met.

    That intensity of emotion is the sense of betrayal that we feel because entitlement is based on an assumed trust between us and the person who we believe was supposed to show up for us.

    Problem is, most times, that expectation is in our heads and is unknown to the ones around us.

    Sometimes we communicate it, but most times we don’t.

    We need to trust the sincerity behind what significant others do for us, that’s why we are unlikely to tell them specifically what we need from them for two reasons.

    Firstly, once we ask for something, we don’t know if they’re doing it out of obligation, or sincerity.

    And secondly, we don’t want to appear needy or vulnerable, assuming that we’re even aware of the expectations that we have of them.

    Mindfulness is key to healthy relationships. And healthy relationships are ones in which we can trust each other with our expectations of what’s important to us, without feeling like an imposition on the other.

    How healthy are your relationships? And more importantly, how healthy is your relationship with yourself?

  • Don’t lose yourself to the chase

    Don’t lose yourself to the chase

    No one sets out to chase money or the high life.

    But many convince themselves that such a lifestyle will earn them the happiness and fulfilment that they desire.

    Sadly, we easily become distracted by the lifestyle and lose sight of the fulfilment that we seek.

    What we need emotionally, and how we need to show up for those around us, is quickly forgotten in the chase to maintain what we have, or to increase it.

    When we become defined by the quality of life that we have, we lose ourselves to its pursuit.

    Worse still, when we define our quality of life by what we have, we must realise that we have already lost ourselves and the cherished bonds with those around us.

    There are many who fiercely defend the accumulation of wealth and luxury as their service to those around them.

    They’re the ones who believe that who they are is not enough, hence the need to compensate by providing materially what they lack emotionally.

    Gratitude for the self must precede gratitude for our quality of life, or else we’ll find ourselves forever feeling incomplete, being able to choose our misery, but unable to choose our fulfilment.

    Choose carefully, before all you’re left with is wasted time and lots of money.



  • Know why, or else…

    Know why, or else…

    I often have to remind myself that it is not the disregard that others show for what I do that matters, it is my need for them to show regard for what I do that distracts me when they are uninterested or condescending.

    Similarly, it’s not the disrespect, or the lack of affection that gets us down, it’s the knowledge that we trusted someone with our need, while they chose not to honour our need, that hurts us.

    The hurt often distracts us towards fighting for our needs to be honoured, or our trust to be appreciated, while distracting us from two key things.

    We gave trust because we have it to give, and can therefore retract it at will rather than waiting for it to be returned.

    And, we offered of ourselves to someone who themselves may not have the same to offer in return.

    The choice on how to proceed from that point of realisation is dependent on how much value we place in that relationship, and in that need that we have from them.

    Recognising these differences could be the difference between abandoning a relationship for the wrong reasons, or staying in it for the wrong reasons.

    The right thing to do only comes to us when we understand why something feels wrong.

    Otherwise we end up raging or feeling despondent without knowing why, and then wait for the world to make us feel better about ourselves.

    If you make big decisions without understanding why you feel compelled to make such decisions, you will find a lot of regret awaiting you on your path through life.

  • Reclaim you

    Reclaim you

    There is a belief that a hug fixes everything.

    It doesn’t.

    There are times when a hug loses its comfort or its safety because it comes from the very source that keeps causing that pain.

    Words spoken in anger always cut deeper than any hug can reach.

    In such cases, a hug is like an apology.

    It is a plea for forgiveness or an agreement to stop the hostility, but without substance in changed behaviour, it becomes hurtful in its own way.

    A hug from the one who is causing us pain, when they don’t recognise or acknowledge the pain that they’re causing, further intensifies the pain of being with them, or of being invisible to them.

    Without realising it, we become so focused on that pain that we lose sight of how we end up trading our self-worth for the hope of receiving their kindness.

    Sometimes, if we’re beyond needing their kindness, we trade our self-worth for the need for vengeance or retribution so that they can feel how they made us feel.

    Either way, when we focus on the pain, we lose ourselves to the experience, and become caught up in the cycle of pain that caused them to treat us badly in the first place.

    In that realisation lies the opportunity for healing, and for peace.

    Reconnect with your self-worth, fed your past will cease to define your future.

    It always starts with you.

  • Silent trauma, or peace?

    Silent trauma, or peace?

    I’ve often seen claims that receiving the silent treatment from someone is the equivalent of emotional abuse – if not abusive itself – and I wondered how it is that doing nothing to someone can be considered abusive?

    I once read that what disturbs us is not the disturbance around us, but rather our inability to deal with that disturbance.

    The same is true for silence when what we desire are words or communication.

    The assumption that we make about the silence from others is that they have reason to believe that their words will have effect, or that it will bring about the understanding that they need or are trying to create.

    We also assume that they are capable of articulating what they feel and must therefore be as capable as we are in communicating what they are feeling.

    Worst of all, we judge them for being inadequate in their silence because they’re ‘supposed to be an adult’.

    Silence only becomes necessary when we have no hope of getting our point across, but do not want to walk away either.

    The silence creates space for understanding. But that space will not be used for understanding if the other person is persisting in demanding that they be communicated to in the manner, and at the time that they need to be communicated to.

    The real question that we must reflect on is, “Why are we so impacted by the silence from others that we feel rage instead of seeking to understand instead?”

    Rage is our defence against being insignificant.

    That’s why silent treatment feels like abuse because it provokes our own feelings of inadequacy or insignificance, and not because the silence itself is abusive.

    The assumptions that we make about the motives behind someone else’s behaviour is most often based on what we would be motivated by if we were in their shoes.

    Think about that the next time you are inclined towards judging someone harshly before having explored opportunities to create understanding.