Tag: selfworth

  • Generational what?

    Generational what?

    The true destruction caused by our insecurities is that it destroys the good that we’re supposed to be creating in the lives of those around us.

    Insecurity isn’t always displayed through anger or defensiveness.

    Most often, to hide our insecurity, we over-compensate in spaces where we feel competent, so that we can avoid or distract attention away from that which we’re insecure about.

    Like focusing on being a hard-working father or a dutiful mother because we don’t know how to show up emotionally for our children.

    Or focusing on our children’s education at all costs, without connecting with the little humans behind that life of responsibility for which we’re preparing them.

    Or preparing them to take over the family business because they must appreciate tradition or legacy.

    As always, we can’t give what we don’t have. That’s why we can only give what we received.

    The problem is, we’re always so focused on what we didn’t receive from the roles of fathers and mothers in our lives, that we didn’t pause to consider that there were fragile humans behind those roles as well.

    Like us, our parents also have their insecurities as humans, but duty and responsibility also distracted them from realising that the anxiety about the future, or the frustration about the present was a sign that their emotional wellbeing was not where it needed to be.

    Thus, they focused on duty and responsibility, in the hope that we would be better at it than they were, not realising that we needed to feel seen and heard beyond duty or expectation.

    That’s how good intentions driven by a low self-worth can cause destruction while we think we’re creating good.

    That’s how generational trauma or unhealthy family values are passed down without realising it.

    If always starts with you.



  • Failed expectations

    Failed expectations

    The greatest hurts are not from blatant lies.

    The deepest cuts are from those we hold dear when they deliberately ignore what they know is important to us.

    Or worse, when they deliberately do what they know offends us.

    When we make known our expectations or needs from a significant other, we reveal to them what is closest to our heart and leaves us vulnerable.

    That’s why we are given to rage or emotional turmoil when they deliberately ignore or refuse to honour our needs with love and gentleness.

    We all fall short in this at some point for two reasons. It demands of us to be available in a way that may reveal our inadequacy, or we withhold our contribution because we want to communicate to them how we also feel ignored and uncared for.

    So if someone says to you that you should abandon expectations to avoid being hurt, understand that they’re also telling you to abandon the very cement of the trust in your relationship.

    If we cannot trust our significant others with the expectations that make us feel valued and fulfilled, then the essence of the relationship will be like that of any other relationship with an acquaintance.

    It is the trust that we place in each other that endears us toward each other.

    By all means, recognise the power that you’re giving your partner, but understand that without giving them such power, you will have no bond between you.

    And if they consistently fail in fulfilling your needs from them, consider that either they do not possess the emotional tools to fulfil it, or they may have expectations of you that you are overlooking.

    Understanding the truth behind their failure to show up, rather than assuming that they’re behaving in that way out of wilful and conscious intent, will allow you to either remedy the correct shortcoming in your relationship, or to contribute towards its failure.

  • The truth about compromise

    The truth about compromise

    That old adage about marriage being about compromise explains why so many marriages appear so burdensome to the ones involved.

    Before you start listing all the sacrifices that you make towards making your marriage work, consider that a willing compromise or sacrifice is a contribution towards something greater than who we are.

    The only time sacrifice becomes a compromise is when it is done begrudgingly.

    When we consider what we’re creating, we contribute towards its outcome.

    Contribution, by its very nature, demands that we give up something in exchange for something of value to us.

    And that’s the secret to marriage not being a compromise.

    Marriage is about creating something that brings us joy and fulfilment, and hopefully leaves a legacy that improves the state of this world.

    Yeah, we may technically give up an indulgence for ourselves because of the greater good that we’re pursuing, but as always, perspective is 110% of reality.

    Focus on what you’re giving up, and you’ll lose the joy of what you’re creating.

    Focus on what you’re losing, and you’ll lose sight of how much more you’ve gained.

    So focus on what you’re creating in your marriage, and sacrifice won’t feature. Only a willing, heartfelt contribution will drive your efforts.

    Life becomes hollow when you seek to only take what you need, or when you constantly focus on what you’re getting in exchange for what you’re giving.

    Give because you have something of value to share. Not because you need something in return.

    Own Your Life.

  • Who is that voice in your head?

    Who is that voice in your head?

    There are signs in everything, if only we paid attention, or reflected deeply enough on it.

    It’s like noticing all the cars on the road that are similar to your own.

    You may also notice cars that you really dislike, and cars that you love.

    But do you notice cars that don’t interest you in any meaningful way?

    No. Those, we navigate around as objects or obstacles in our efforts to get to our destination.

    The same is true about everything else in life.

    We notice that which feeds our interest in what we’re trying to achieve.

    Convinced that your partner is annoying? You’ll recognise every annoying habit and you’ll dismiss every endearing quality.

    Convinced that you’re not good enough? You’ll doubt every sincere gesture, and you’ll hold onto every criticism.

    You’ll even selectively interpret things the way that you want it to fit into your belief about what is true.

    That’s how we convince ourselves that the universe is sending us a sign.

    It’s not. We’re looking for the evidence of what we want to believe is true.

    Hence the importance of being mindful. Not just of what’s going on around you, but especially being mindful of what’s going on within you.

    It always starts with you.

  • Understand before you judge harshly

    Understand before you judge harshly

    Before you get upset with someone for not treating you the way that you want them to treat you, consider that what you need may not come naturally to them.

    Without meaning to, we oppress others when we assume that just because we’re capable of something, they should be too.

    This is especially true when it comes to emotional expression.

    How emotionally expressive we are is directly related to how emotionally accessible our parents were to us during our childhood.

    And no, not all siblings in the same household have the same experience, because not all parents treat their children equally.

    So when we look at the behaviour of our adult partners and we compare them either to ourselves or to their siblings or other family members, we’re dismissing their specific life experience, while insisting that they be like everyone else around them.

    Emotions cannot be sincerely and authentically expressed if it was never received in that way.

    How it’s received – again – is relative to how emotionally grounded our past experiences may have been.

    When you’re not getting the kind of emotional availability that you need from your partner, consider that it’s something that they may just not be connecting with because they’ve never experienced it in a safe and fulfilling way themselves.

    And just because you’re expressing it to them now doesn’t mean that it suddenly changes it. It doesn’t, because your expectation of them to reciprocate makes that setting an emotionally vulnerable space for them.

    Create an emotionally safe space for your partner before you judge them for being insensitive or cold, or else you may destroy their love for you just because they couldn’t express it the way that you wanted them to.

  • Who defines your resilience?

    Who defines your resilience?

    “Resilience is our ability to cope with adversity when we focus on rising above, rather than sinking below. Too often we wait for a sympathetic outstretched hand to lift us up because we’ve convinced ourselves that we need lifting.” (The Egosystem)

    Your resilience is directly affected by your belief in your ability to rise above what you are facing.

    It’s OK to feel overwhelmed in the moment. Or even for a while after.

    It’s OK to pause for breath, or to choose your battles.

    It’s OK to have moments of weakness, or fragility.

    Those are all part of the essence of being human.

    But, the moment you allow that to define your self-worth, or you use it to convince yourself that you’re incapable of making something of your life because no one believes in you, you’re no longer being human. You’re being ungrateful for who you are.

    Some may see this as judgemental. Or perhaps even harsh.

    It’s harsher and more destructive to suppress the good that we are capable of creating while waiting for the bad that was done to us to be redressed.

    That’s how evil triumphs over good.

    That’s how misery becomes more important than joy.

    All because we grew to be ungrateful of who we are without realising that it was just another struggling soul that treated us badly.

    But because we’re unworthy of love or affection, or understanding, but because they were incapable of what we needed from them.

    It always starts with you.

  • Daydream your life away…

    Daydream your life away…

    Sometimes we lose ourselves to nostalgia to the point of disconnecting from the life that we have.

    Good memories are great, as long as it’s not a reason to take our current blessings for granted.

    Many of us are so fixated on the life that we once had, that we neglect the people and the quality of life that we have now.

    Sometimes, in fact often, we even neglect our health, because if we don’t have much to look forward to, there’s not much point in taking care of ourselves. Right?

    Wrong.

    When you only take care of yourself on special occasions, you’re taking yourself for granted the rest of the time.

    Memories are created between those special occasions more than on any specific occasion itself.

    When we hear of the good old days, we don’t hear of weddings and birthdays. The majority of the stories are about the wholesome and uncomplicated lives that we once lived. The family bonds, the solid friendships, the lekker meals and adventures.

    If you find yourself only celebrating life on special occasions, you’re taking yourself and your life for granted.

    Worse than this, you’ve probably lost your self-worth to how you want others to see you, and you don’t see yourself clearly anymore.

    You reclaim your life by reclaiming the present moment.

    But you can’t reclaim the present moment if you don’t see value in it.

    And you won’t see value in it if you spend your days longing for the past.

    Live romantically. Now. Not in the past. And your life will be everything you dreamed it could be.

    It always starts with you.

  • Cutting your nose to spite your face?

    Cutting your nose to spite your face?

    Spite is that thing we do when we don’t want to appear needy or dependant on others for something that we need from them.

    Like needing attention or validation, but not wanting to appear desperate.

    If we feel valued, we’ll have a reasonable discussion without feeling as if it’s going to make us appear weak.

    If we don’t feel valued, and we don’t want to appear vulnerable or needy with that person, we’ll express our dissatisfaction through behaving in a way that is deliberately unpleasant or spiteful about something that we know the other person doesn’t appreciate.

    Either way, spite is driven by our need to be appreciated by someone who is important to us, while we judge ourselves for being weak by needing them to make us feel good.

    So when someone is being spiteful, consider in what way they may think you took them for granted. But also consider how weak they feel for needing your appreciation in the first place.

    You can either feel burdened with the responsibility of having to make them feel better about themselves, or you can focus on the fact that you’re important enough for them to need your validation or affection.

    But, as always, you can’t give what you don’t have.

    So if you don’t feel secure about who you are, you’re likely to focus on feeling burdened by their need for validation from you, resulting in you returning the favour of spite because you also don’t want to appear weak to them.

    Thus, a juvenile cycle of tit-for-tat ensues, as each partner tests the resolve of the other to see who is going to give in first, while both lose sight of how much life is being wasted in the process.

    Who breaks the cycle?

    Who is responsible for your feelings of weakness or inadequacy?

    As always, it starts with you.

    Own Your Life.