Tag: narcissism

  • Choose better

    Choose better

    We choose what we take from life.

    Understanding those choices is therefore key to finding peace, or joy.

    Our choices, even though sometimes painful, are always based on good intentions in that moment of choosing.

    But, when that good intention is driven by a need to establish our significance rather than connect with the value that we want to create, our choices become understandably poorly informed.

    Once again, understanding why we were distracted enough will add sweetness to our hindsight.

    Looking back on our unpleasant experiences with understanding rather than judgement helps us to find peace where we currently may only find pain.

    Seeking to understand is what disarms the bitterness of betrayed expectations and replaces it with the peace of acceptance.

    If you’re struggling to reconcile your past in your efforts to create a better future, reach out via my website at zaidismail.com or on WhatsApp at +27836599183. Together, we can create the life that you’ve always wanted.

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  • Don’t look the other way

    Don’t look the other way

    Those who oppress others are often the first to draw attention to the weakness or inadequacy of those that they oppress.

    They do this to pacify their conscience so that they can avoid the guilt of treating others poorly.

    The reason why judgement works well in such cases, for both the abuser and the abused, is because it creates distance between us and our contribution towards that oppression, and therefore allows us a comfortable space in which to abdicate responsibility in doing something about it.

    When we judge, we assume that the abused has options or resources that they are aware of without finding a need to connect with them, or to directly assist them.

    Judgement is also kinder to the abuser because it inevitably focuses on creating excuses for their rage or self loathing.

    It’s through judgement that we most often enable such despicable behaviour while maintaining a comfortable distance.

    If the abused are left to fend for themselves because we don’t want to meddle, we become part of the problem.

    If nothing else, at least call out abuse for what it is when you see it. And if it’s become normalised in the life of the abuser or the abused, then take time to make them aware of why it needs to stop.

    Abuse is never constrained to just the relationship in which it prevails. It is a poison that destroys the innocence in society, leading to social ills that inevitably find their way into the lives of those you love, despite you not wanting to meddle in someone else’s business.

    Speak out against abuse. If you don’t cease the hand of the abuser, you enable their behaviour. That makes you complicit in their vile actions.

    If you’re trying to break the cycle of abuse in your life, reach out via my website at zaidismail.com or on WhatsApp at +27836599183 and let’s create the positive change that you deserve in your life.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Enabling our oppressors

    Enabling our oppressors

    We only give others permission to disrespect us when we disrespect ourselves first.

    Disrespect of the self takes many shapes and forms including compromising our values for personal gain, accepting abuse from fear of abandonment, restraining our contribution from fear of rejection, and more.

    When treating ourselves with disrespect becomes the norm, accepting disrespect becomes the theme of our lives.

    Reclaiming our space in relationships with significant others then becomes a struggle, because without realising it, we gave them permission to treat us badly.

    Of course, the fact that they may have taken up the opportunity to treat us badly confirms their disrespect for themselves as well.

    And that’s how we end up in relationships where respect is optional, and being together becomes a matter of convenience that we justify in many ways, including doing it for the children, not wanting to be seen as a failure, nor wanting to return to our parent’s home and bringing shame to them, not wanting to be alone, and more.

    That’s when life becomes empty, and joy is replaced with bitterness. Break that cycle before it breaks you, because when you’re broken, you become a liability to this world, rather than a blessing.

    And this world has enough social liabilities already. Please be better than that. You deserve it, and so does everyone around you.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Know your place

    Know your place

    The value of knowing your place is underrated.

    So many impose themselves in the hope of acceptance, only to question the sincerity of the company they keep when they eventually earn that acceptance.

    Sometimes, we only discover our place after having invested in relationships that were never intent on embracing us the way we embraced them.

    Sometimes, those relationships are with those for whom we sacrificed much to see them grow.

    And sometimes, it’s in uplifting total strangers who became friends and then abandoned us when we posed a threat to their popularity.

    Whatever it is that came before that moment, accept with grace and dignity your place when they reveal their true selves.

    Worse than losing time in spaces where you’re not appreciated is losing your dignity and self respect.

    And both, dignity and self respect are yours to claim. It’s not something that must be endowed upon you by anyone else

    Claim yours before you lose it completely.

  • Regret doesn’t change the past

    Regret doesn’t change the past

    It’s easy to lose ourselves in our efforts to overcome upheaval.

    It’s also easy to look back and think that it was the trial that developed the strength or ability to overcome it.

    But, what if we had that within us all along, and the trial only revealed it?

    We must recognise the difference between our innate abilities, versus the skills we develop by applying those abilities.

    Too often, we look at our skills and assume that to be our abilities. But why is this difference important?

    It is our ability to acquire skills to overcome trials that are more important than the skills we acquire in that moment.

    If we appreciate our ability to learn and to adapt, we’ll find less reason to stress, no need to just cope, and instead, we’ll face trials and challenges with greater confidence and less anxiety.

    Strength therefore is found in our appreciation for our ability to acquire new skills, rather than giving in to the fear that the skills we have may be insufficient to overcome what we’re faced with.

    Trials are therefore opportunities for growth, but we lose sight of the growth when we succumb to the fear of what we think awaits us on the other side of that trial.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • Time rewrites every line

    Time rewrites every line

    From my blog post titled Legacy of Beauty, this excerpt resonated strongly this evening.

    “As time morphs the pain into beauty it also morphs the beasts into angels.

    Those that manipulate the vulnerable suddenly appear as the downtrodden when their loss of control is lamented as a betrayal of love or affection.

    I sit with morbid amazement as I watch kids who are barely teens reminiscing about childhood and the wonderment that went with it as if it’s a long lost part of their lives, and I feel sad.

    The sadness deepens when I witness how their recollections embellish events to make it more wholesome or inclusive than it really was.

    The disease of the adults appear to have transcended a generation that used to be symbols of hope.

    Those symbols of hope are quickly becoming reminders of despair instead.”

    Read the full post on my blog at https://zaidismail.com/2016/04/29/a-legacy-of-beauty/

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • The twins of love and pain

    The twins of love and pain

    We see in the world around us that which occupies the most space in our hearts.

    When our hearts are filled with love and affection, we find no place for hate or bitterness.

    When we hold space in our life for justice for past oppression, we prevent that space from being filled with the love that we may receive in the present moment.

    The need for justice often overwhelms any prospect of happiness because we feel denied as long as those who caused us pain live without consequence.

    When we’re filled with the rage of revenge, or the need for justice, any approaching love or affection appears as a threat for further pain because the possibility of betrayal is still clearly etched in the pain from the past that has yet to be reconciled.

    Healing then becomes dependent on justice, and life is put on hold. That holding pattern serves as a constant reminder of the injustice that we suffered, or the betrayal that cut so deeply.

    Thus, the oppression of the past contaminates the present, and denies us a future of the very happiness we hope to experience.

    But, when our rage convinces us that love and pain are twins, the promise of peace becomes a threat, and the holding pattern of pain becomes a comfort. Thus, we become unavailable to those who love us, and remain committed to seeking vengeance against those who thrive on our misery.

  • Choose your company…wisely

    Choose your company…wisely

    Choose your company carefully.

    The peace of mind and sense of belonging for which you yearn could easily turn out to be the reason for your anguish.

    There is rarely a day that passes without me reading or hearing about someone who invested years, if not decades of their life, to people who were not invested in the relationship.

    When the reality of that betrayal finally hits home, it destroys our spirit and convinces us that we’ve sacrificed the best years of our life while having nothing more to look forward to.

    Nothing could be further from the truth.

    The same way we were able to create beauty in such a desolate landscape, we must recognise that the best of us that we gave was simply the truth of who we were. And are.

    The moment we discard that because it was discarded by an ingrate who was looking for servitude of their ego when they could have had love for their essence, we become ingrates just like them.

    Don’t trade who you are for who they were. It’s never a fair trade. You owe yourself more than that.

    And self-pity will only ever prevent you from being true to yourself.

    Breathe, beloved…even when that breath threatens to prolong the agony of your life. Breathe. And embrace the beauty of who you are despite the ugly of who they were.

    That’s how we take back the gift that they discarded so that we may be able find a more fitting recipient.

    As long as you’re breathing, there’s always hope.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock