Tag: loveyourself

  • Selfish concern

    Selfish concern

    I don’t like labels, but this is the equivalent of toxic positivity, where we try to be positive while diminishing the experience of the one experiencing difficulties.

    I once saw someone experiencing a breakdown at the side of the road.

    Stuck in the middle of nowhere, oil running out of their engine, it was obvious that they suffered severe engine damage.

    So I walked up to them, put my hand on their shoulder, and said, “Look on the bright side. At least you still have fuel in the tank.”

    This didn’t really happen, but this is how some people approach mental health or give advice.

    Uninformed good intentions are sweet when it comes to a six year old.

    Adults need to be more responsible than that. There is a major difference between being optimistic, and deluding yourself with ‘positive vibes’.

    If you don’t know the difference, you’ll be whispering wishes all your life without making any meaningful progress in improving it.

    Your efforts must be aligned with your intended outcomes.

    Just talking about living a great life never resulted in anyone actually having a great life until they put that talk into action.

    Keep it real and own your life.

    It always starts with you.


  • When silence is preferred

    When silence is preferred

    We’re sometimes so focused on being heard, that we don’t stop to consider if we’re taking the time to understand.

    Feeling heard is similar to feeling appreciated, and no one behaves badly when they feel appreciated.

    Therefore, when we encounter difficulties in communicating with those close to us, we must pause to consider why it is that they may have a need to be heard before they’re willing to listen.

    When this goes on for long enough, and we’re forced to choose between walking away or remaining silent, we remain silent to keep the peace so that our living conditions are bearable.

    That silence is not always silent. Often, it’s passive aggressive in being selective about engaging.

    Like engaging willingly with friends or extended family, but only having essential conversations with our significant others.

    When communicating becomes a burden, or a reason for endless arguments or nitpicking, or circular debates, silence is preferred if walking away is not an option.

    To break the cycle, as always, we must focus on what we contribute to that cycle, and we must change that.

    If we’re unhappy about the cycle in which we find ourselves, we must own our contribution towards that cycle rather than frustrating ourselves waiting for others to change what they contribute towards that cycle.

    This is especially true for problems with communication.

    When we’re not getting the engagement that we’d like to have with our partners, or others, we must consider why it is that what is obvious or important to us, is not obvious or important to them.

    Hint: It’s never because we’re not good enough for them. Most often, it’s because they don’t feel significant enough to us.

    It always starts with you.

  • A simple smile is all it takes

    A simple smile is all it takes

    Discover something amazing about your emotional wellbeing by Googling the science of a smile.

    The obvious part from your research will reveal that it is the choice to smile, and not having a good reason to smile, that releases feel-good hormones into your brain.

    Therefore, a physical smile, even without good reason, raises your mood and overall sense of wellbeing.

    The not-so-obvious part is that this confirms that our thoughts and decisions precede the chemical response from our brain.

    The reason this is critically important is because it confirms that the chemical balance in our brain does not predict our emotional disposition, or our mood. It reflects how we feel.

    Don’t believe me? Research it for yourself, and you’ll discover that there is no science to support the theory of chemical imbalance being the cause of emotional duress.

    Your emotional duress is due to a legitimate experience that weighs you down.

    The moment you blame chemical balances for how you feel, you give up your ability to own your emotions, and to own your life.

    The difference between being a victim of life and being grateful for the life that you have lies in understanding why you feel the way that you do, rather than judging yourself for being inadequate for not having a happy or content disposition.

    Change the way you see yourself, and the way you experience your life will change.

    It always starts with you.

  • Looking a gift horse in the mouth

    Looking a gift horse in the mouth

    When we’re driven by aesthetics and appearances, social standing becomes more important than substance or authenticity.

    We lose ourselves to the way we want to be perceived, rather than what we want to create.

    We grow defined by how others treat us, or how well we can hide our flaws.

    We pursue all the right things that hold the promise of a good life, but still feel empty and incomplete.

    Religiosity replaces submission, and spirituality is lost to the show of goodwill.

    When we focus on how we appear to others, or how we think they’ll judge or accept us, we’ll reject what is good for us, so that we can hold on to the hope of being good enough for them.

    In the end, we lose ourselves, and thus any acceptance we receive from others becomes pointless.

    The sweetness of life is lost when we reject who we are, because we’re afraid of being rejected by others.

    That’s how soul mates pass each other like ships in the night, or companions drift apart like clouds after a storm.

    The winds of distraction will guide us into places that are foreign to the needs of our soul.

    Reclaim your life by connecting with the truth of who you are.

    Own Your Life.

  • Raising humans

    Raising humans

    Parents are pretty much always well meaning, even when we behave like idiots.

    We’re either trying to encourage our kids to be driven like us, or trying to raise them to be better than us.

    And if we’re convinced that we’re not good for them, or that they deserve better, then we create distance between them and us because we are convinced that our presence may contaminate the wholesomeness of what they’re capable of being.

    Either way, whether we’re present, absent, invested, or disinterested, the role that we play in their lives cannot be dismissed.

    The more we’re given to our own fears and insecurities, the less justice we’ll do to raising them with a healthy sense of self.

    Connecting with our fears and insecurities, and putting in the effort to understand ourselves better, is what will equip us to inspire our children to reach for their potential.

    Otherwise, we’ll focus on discipline, good manners, decorum, and academic achievements, while hoping that they’ll somehow develop confidence and a healthy self-esteem simply through achieving good things.

    Most often, this approach fails. It may produce functional adults, but it doesn’t produce emotionally grounded adults.

    It emphasises the importance of duty and servitude, but it diminishes the importance of the human behind such attributes and achievements.

    If you don’t have a healthy self-esteem, your battles will be projected onto your children, and it will contaminate their self-esteem in ways that will only become evident later in their lives.

    Save yourself and them from a lifetime of internal struggle, and start dealing with your fears and insecurities in a meaningful way now.

    Your future self will thank you for it, and so will your children.

    It always starts with you.

  • Gratitude is the sister of faith

    Gratitude is the sister of faith

    When faced with trials, there are too many who surrender to coping with such trials instead of persevering to overcome them.

    Purposeful perseverence is called for when we find ourselves in situations that are weighing us down.

    No matter how little our resources or ability to influence the outcomes, using that little that we have while having faith that we will rise above it is what will slowly build the momentum to finally overcome the trying circumstances.

    The moment we diminish even the little that we have or the little influence that we can bring to bear on the situation, we risk falling into ingratitude.

    Ingratitude is the enemy of faith.

    When we diminish who we are because of the way that others treat us, or because we convince ourselves that we are undeserving of better, we take ourselves for granted and give up any opportunity to improve the condition of our lives.

    Faith is not born out of certainty, nor out of favourable conditions.

    It is tested during moments of hardship, and is often taken for granted during moments of ease.

    Thus, gratitude and faith become companions, because when we live with ingratitude for who we are, we will find ourselves in situations that will test our faith.

    And the more we live with gratitude, not only for what we have but especially for who we are, despite the weight of life, we will always find comfort in knowing that we are capable of navigating the trials of life while having faith that ease will follow the hardship.

    It is only through connecting with gratitude that we recognise the ease that followed the many hardships and trials of life, while ingratitude leaves us focusing on the persistent trials that followed those periods of ease.

    Thus, a grateful heart connects with the reality that ‘this too shall pass’, because they continue to purposefully persevere in persuing good, despite not always having it within themselves to immediately overcome the bad.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.


  • Enjoying the deferral of death

    Enjoying the deferral of death

    “When we go through life waiting for our struggles to be recognised, to be seen as the walking wounded, or the ones that survived, we become defined by that survival. We become survivors. Survivors don’t enjoy the sweetness of life. They simply enjoy the deferral of death.” From The Egosystem in the chapter titled Recognise My Struggle.

    When we lack appreciation for who we are, we seek that validation from those around us by highlighting our struggles so that they may admire our strength or resolve.

    When we focus on reciprocation, we find reason to emphasise what we do for others, often by mentioning it to anyone that will listen, because again, we lack appreciation for who we are and therefore go out in search of validating the good that we do for others, hoping that it will give us reason to feel worthy.

    We wear the badge of martyrdom when we feel sorry for ourselves, believing that we’re not appreciated or valued, and that our only value to those around us is in how we serve them.

    These are a few examples of how we diminish the value of what we do because we’re trading it for recognition or praise, rather than doing it because we believe in the value of what we do.

    When we mention the good that we do, we become distracted by the praise, and we lose sight of the dignity of those we assisted by mentioning their neediness while highlighting our generosity.

    At the heart of it all is a low self-esteem.

    Once we reach the age of awareness, our self-esteem is no longer inherited from our parents. It’s defined by our gratitude for who we are and what we have.

    The survivor mindset undermines gratitude because it anchors our focus on everything that we need to overcome, while distracting us from everything that is good and wholesome, or blessed in our lives.

    That’s when the sweetness of life is lost, and feeling good about ourselves becomes dependent on how others acknowledge or praise the good that we do, or the struggles that we overcome.

    At which point will we pause to consider how blessed we are to have the ability and the resources to overcome those very same struggles?

    It always starts with you.

  • More ways to destroy trust…

    More ways to destroy trust…

    Our consideration of trust is often limited to promises or follow through on something that was clearly agreed with another.

    However, trust is broken in many ways, most of which are subtle and often unintended.

    It’s these subtle breaches that leave us seething with anger or raging with tears while not knowing how to connect the betrayal that we feel with the specific conduct of another.

    More than this, it also makes it that much more difficult to express ourselves clearly when they seem oblivious to the hurt or offence that they cause.

    Connecting with why we feel betrayed makes it possible to process those feelings of betrayal in a more constructive way, and allows us to diminish the impact that it has on our sense of self.

    Once we can reconcile in our minds what it is that drives us insane about the behaviour from those closest to us, it makes it easier to see their shortcomings as a reflection of who they are, rather than always assuming that they may take us for granted because of who we are.

    That clarity of understanding and perspective could mean the difference between a life of angst and self-loathing, versus one of understanding and purposeful investment in those relationships that mean the most to you.

    You cannot help those around you to slay their demons if you’re bringing your demons to the table.

    Here are 9 not-so-obvious ways in high we may be breaching the trust that others place in us :

    1. Remaining silent when your words could have provided comfort or support


    2. Deliberately avoiding a request for something that you know is important to someone


    3. Withholding affection when you know it’s needed


    4. Deliberately doing something that you know is offensive or hurtful to another


    5. Being dishonest when relating your story, or withholding part of a story to avoid conflict or accountability


    6. Being unnecessarily harsh without apologising for your conduct (or regularly repeating this behaviour after apologising each time)


    7. Treating your obligations or commitments as optional or subject to your convenience


    8. Demanding your rights from others but ignoring your responsibilities towards them


    9. Dismissing the contribution that others make towards your life

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.