Tag: loveyourself

  • Depression is not what you think it is

    Depression is not what you think it is

    ⚠ Trigger Warning ⚠


    Depression is not a mental illness. It is a legitimate human emotion in the face of overwhelming odds, or the absence of hope.

    It is a moment of pause when everything that we believed to be true about our world, appears to fail us.

    By labelling this important human emotion as an illness, we dehumanise the human who is struggling to find hope in the midst of turmoil, or pain.

    To break the cycle of depression, we must embrace the reasons for feeling depressed.

    Embracing those reasons is not about judging whether we’re right or wrong, or strong or weak, for feeling depressed.

    Embracing those reasons means to gain a fresh perspective on why we invested ourselves in people who appear to have taken our trust for granted.

    When we lose sight of this trust that we placed in others, we also forget that we’ve grown to see ourselves through what we think they think of us because of how they responded to our efforts towards them.

    In other words, we lost sight of who we are, because we assumed them to be someone they’re not.

    Again, it’s not about judging them or ourselves.

    Instead, it’s about understanding where our assumptions and beliefs were misinformed, so that we can connect with the real reasons why it didn’t work out the way we wanted, rather than assume that it’s because we were not enough.

    Depression is always about the absence of hope in achieving something that is important to us, without which every other success in life feels empty and pointless.

    It’s only through understanding how this plays out uniquely in our life, that we’ll be able to rise above the hopelessness that set in when we were distracted by the failure of not achieving our dreams.

    Pause. Breathe. And try again. Only this time, wiser, and more capable than before.

  • Navigating relationships – 2 of 5

    Navigating relationships – 2 of 5

    When we’re insecure about who we are, we’re more likely to assume that the behaviour of those around us is because of what they think of us.

    This places an unspoken burden on them that influences how they show up for us when we need them most.

    If you want to understand your behaviour towards your partner, or their behaviour towards you, you need to be aware of the dynamics in your relationship with your own family. Especially your parents.

    This is true for them as well.

    When we have dysfunctional or even abusive relationships with our family or parents, what we lack in those relationships inevitably feeds our insecurity in our own relationships, and it influences what we expect from our partners to make up for what was always lacking.

    Most often, this is a subconscious need or demand that we place on them, and that they place on us.

    The more aware we are of this, the greater our chances of being able to remedy it without it contaminating an otherwise good relationship.

    When we feel triggered by something that our partner does, it means that we’re still affected by a past experience that most likely occurred long before we met them.

    Our trigger is ours to own, because it is our fear about what the future holds relative to what the current moment reminds us about our past.

    Hence the fear and anxiety that prompts us to respond with intensity towards something seemingly innocent from others.

    When you’re caught up in a bad cycle with someone, focus on what you’re contributing towards that cycle and change that, rather than focusing on what you need them to change to break that cycle.

    It always starts with you.

  • Who defines your worth?

    Who defines your worth?

    When our self-worth is low, we convince ourselves that we deserve pity and support for the state we’re in, because rising above it seems too daunting.

    But it’s unlikely that we’ll realise that it’s a low self-worth driving such behaviour.

    Instead, we’ll be convinced that the most important thing in the world is for the world to recognise just how difficult life is for us before we are willing to pick ourselves up and power through that last betrayal, or disappointment, or failed relationship.

    The kind of thoughts that occupy our minds when in such a state include thoughts of preemptively defending ourselves against negative judgements about our life, or our lack of motivation, or our fear of commitment.

    That’s how we start living inside our heads while believing that we’re just being realistic because we’ve learnt the harsh lessons after trusting one time too many, or being emotionally vulnerable to the wrong person.

    The low self-worth is therefore a result of us losing sight of the good that we tried to contribute, despite the bad that we received in return.

    It sets in when we convince ourselves that our best was not good enough, while ignoring the internal struggles that others were dealing with when we needed them to show up for us.

    Our self-worth only suffers when we lose sight of the value of who we are, because we got distracted by the low self-worth of those around us.

    When the need to protect yourself from the prying eyes of those who would judge you poorly triumphs over your need to aspire to achieve your dreams, you lose both, your self-esteem and your dreams.

    Gratitude for the self is established through gratitude for the self. Not through the gratitude that others have for who you are.

    It always starts with you.

  • Dehumanising struggling humans

    Dehumanising struggling humans

    Trigger warning ⚠

    As destructive as narcissistic behaviour is, it is not the entirety of any person’s being.

    Narcissism is a result of intense insecurity about the self.

    To compensate for this insecurity, the one who is insecure about their worth to others will always focus on hiding their shame, rather than admitting their vulnerability.

    That’s why they’re so quick to preemptively defend themselves or to direct blame at others when things go wrong.

    It’s simply a result of being exhausted from never having been enough, or significant enough to significant others in their lives.

    People often assume that narcissistic behaviour is selfish because people who tend towards such behaviour come from privileged backgrounds, or always got what they wanted.

    That’s part of the problem.

    Having privilege doesn’t mean that we feel heard as human beings. Or that we feel seen.

    Narcissistic behaviour is real, but it’s not something that cannot be changed, nor is it something that is consistent in every sphere of their life.

    The worst thing for narcissism is to be coupled with someone who is needy or also insecure themselves.

    If you’re insecure about who you are, your needs from someone who is struggling with narcissistic insecurities is like a threat to their feelings of inadequacy.

    That’s why an insecure individual will be more affected by narcissistic behaviour than one who is grounded in their self-worth.

    We must stop dehumanising humans by labeling them based on how we experience their behaviour.

    Instead, we must seek to understand, with compassion and empathy.

    But we can only do that if we have it within ourselves, for ourselves.

    You can’t give what you don’t have.

  • Who says you’re not enough?

    Who says you’re not enough?

    When we find a need to repeat affirmations like ‘I am enough’ to ourselves in the mirror each day, we’re trying to convince ourselves to believe something that we are already convinced is not true.

    If we believed it to be true, there would be no reason to try to convince ourselves about it each day.

    Rather than convincing yourself that you’re enough, focus on understanding who convinced you that you weren’t enough to begin with.

    When you figure that out, you’ll realise that you’ve been living life viewing yourself through that person’s eyes, which is why your relationship with yourself is based on judging your achievements relative to what you think they would think of you, rather than understanding what is needed to achieve your goals when you fall short.

    Judgement is always based on how we think others see us.

    Understanding is based on what we are trying to figure out in our efforts to achieve our goals.

    The emphasis is on ‘our’ goals, and not on achieving milestones that are needed to get approval from others.

    Recognising the difference between these mortivators that we focus on will result in mindfulness about whether we’re truly pursuing something we’re committed to, or is it something that we hope will win us favour with others.

    If the latter, expect to be exhausted in your efforts to constantly please others, while convincing yourself that you’re enough when you look in the mirror, even though you don’t feel like you are.

    You were born enough!

    You lost sight of that when you focused on rejection or betrayal from one who themselves lost sight of the same thing earlier in their lives.

    Break the cycle. Connect with gratitude for who you are, and compete with yourself only in improving who you are.

    The rest will take care of itself. Especially the anxiety of life.

    It always starts with you.

  • Have we forgotten how to love?

    Have we forgotten how to love?

    Most of us have forgotten how to truly love another.

    Love has become so commercialised, that we confuse a mutual exchange of interest and benefits as love.

    That’s why we end up believing that only as long as we’re getting what we need, do we have reason to feel loved.

    Meanwhile, we lose sight of the struggles of those we love when they are at war within themselves.

    If we truly love another, we must love what we believe is the true essence of who they are, so that when they stumble or err out of being human, we’ll be inclined to want to understand why, rather than to judge them harshly before pushing them away.

    Such sincerity and conviction is only possible when we connect with our humanness.

    But most of us go through life seeing ourselves through the eyes of our parents or grandparents, or some other figure whose validation we need, before we feel OK about ourselves.

    The longer we live life this way, the more anxious and unfulfilled life will be, because everything will be driven by the fear of not being good enough, and not by the aspiration to be the best that we believe we are capable of being.

    As long as we judge ourselves based on how we need to be accepted by others, we’ll never be able to truly connect with the good that may exist between us and our significant others.

    That’s how life becomes a transaction, and love becomes fragile.

    Self-awareness therefore precedes acceptance of who we are, and acceptance is only possible with understanding, which is the root of gratitude for what we’re capable of.

    It always starts with you.

  • Dignity is yours to claim

    Dignity is yours to claim

    There is no shortage of examples of dignity in war zones, poverty or drought stricken areas, or in the midst of heinous terrorist attacks.

    Notice how some people, when faced with soul-destroying realities, are still dignified in how they rise above it?

    If you wait for your aggressor or abuser to treat you with dignity before you find reason to respect yourself, you’re doing life back to front.

    When we expect recognition of our humanness from the world, we’re expecting our tormentor to become our mentor.

    It’s irrational.

    Dignity is not bestowed, it is claimed!

    It is undignified to ask to be treated with dignity because that means that your dignity is dependent on how others treat you.

    We either tolerate being treated with indignity, or we challenge and reject it.

    If we don’t challenge such behaviour from others, we enable them to treat others badly.

    Self-worth is at the core of dignity.

    But self-worth is an outcome of the value that we see in ourselves.

    It’s about how much worth we place on ourselves despite how others may take us for granted.

    When we connect with that value that we hold within, gratitude for who we are, and importantly, gratitude for what we are capable of contributing in good towards others, will establish dignity in our sense of self, and resilience in our response to the trials of life.

    It always starts with you.

    Don’t outsource your dignity to others. They’re not responsible for how you feel about yourself.

    P.S. For the first time in a very long time, I used my own photo for my post, and not one from Adobe Stock. Taken in San Lameer, on the KwaZulu-Natal South Coast.

  • The victim bully

    The victim bully

    The common trait between the blatant bully and the passive aggressive victim is that they both share a victim mindset.

    The one demands significance through invoking fear in others, while the other tests for their significance by shaming or guilt-tripping others.

    The victim mindset sets in when we allow ourselves to be defined by the impact of a harsh or hurtful experience long after the event has passed.

    We hold onto the impact for a number of reasons, the most common of which include our need to have our struggle recognised by others so that their expectations of us can be reduced in line with what we believe we are only capable of.

    In other words, it’s an excuse to avoid accepting accountability for those moments when we feel overwhelmed or incompetent.

    The other common reason is to protect ourselves from creating an opportunity to be treated poorly or harshly again.

    That’s how we end up sabotaging good relationships by constantly testing the sincerity and commitment that others have towards us.

    Those with a victim mindset are in survival mode, denying themselves the sweetness of life while emphasising their struggle to create such a life, hoping that they will be appreciated for their courage and strength to persevere long after their struggle has passed.

    At the core of the victim mindset is ingratitude.

    It is ingratitude for everything that we are capable of, and all the opportunities that we have to create value for others.

    Being a victim of aggression or hurtful behaviour in the moment of its occurrence may not always be avoidable, but remaining in that victim space beyond that moment is a choice that we make.

    Those who own this choice will find it possible to move beyond the experience, while those who don’t will forever remain stuck in a moment that has long passed because they refuse to accept that they were not enough for someone important to them.

    Choose carefully what and who you allow to define you.