Tag: lifegoals

  • A burdensome labour of love

    A burdensome labour of love

    Responsibility, when met with gratitude, feels like a labour of love.

    Remove gratitude, and it becomes a burdensome load.

    But only if gratitude is expected.

    That’s when expectations weigh down on us more than responsibility, because of the internal wait for others to reciprocate, or to notice.

    It’s not unreasonable to hold that expectation.

    In fact, we should expect those around us to show gratitude or to share the load, so that the relationship is not reduced to one of a mere exchange of duties.

    However, we must remember that they have the same expectation in return.

    More than this, if we’re not aware of this expectation that we have, because it’s usually a subconscious one, we feel disappointment or a growing bitterness towards those who we feel are taking us for granted.

    And again, the same is true in return from their side.

    To overcome this, not only must we be aware of this expectation, we must also understand if the other person is aware of it, and if they’re capable of meeting it.

    That opens a whole new can of worms. But that’s part of the fun of relationships, isn’t it?

    Having silly moments of realisation when you discover that what you were fretting about was only real in your head because the support or gratitude you were looking for was there all along.

    It just wasn’t in the form or expression that you were expecting.

  • Betrayed expectations

    Betrayed expectations

    Without realising it, expectations create an underlying sense of entitlement regarding the outcomes that we want.

    That entitlement is what influences our attitude and demeanour in how we approach things or relationships.

    When we feel justified to have such expectations, we lose sight of the entitlement, which leads to the intensity of emotion that we experience when our expectations are not met.

    That intensity of emotion is the sense of betrayal that we feel because entitlement is based on an assumed trust between us and the person who we believe was supposed to show up for us.

    Problem is, most times, that expectation is in our heads and is unknown to the ones around us.

    Sometimes we communicate it, but most times we don’t.

    We need to trust the sincerity behind what significant others do for us, that’s why we are unlikely to tell them specifically what we need from them for two reasons.

    Firstly, once we ask for something, we don’t know if they’re doing it out of obligation, or sincerity.

    And secondly, we don’t want to appear needy or vulnerable, assuming that we’re even aware of the expectations that we have of them.

    Mindfulness is key to healthy relationships. And healthy relationships are ones in which we can trust each other with our expectations of what’s important to us, without feeling like an imposition on the other.

    How healthy are your relationships? And more importantly, how healthy is your relationship with yourself?

  • Don’t lose yourself to the chase

    Don’t lose yourself to the chase

    No one sets out to chase money or the high life.

    But many convince themselves that such a lifestyle will earn them the happiness and fulfilment that they desire.

    Sadly, we easily become distracted by the lifestyle and lose sight of the fulfilment that we seek.

    What we need emotionally, and how we need to show up for those around us, is quickly forgotten in the chase to maintain what we have, or to increase it.

    When we become defined by the quality of life that we have, we lose ourselves to its pursuit.

    Worse still, when we define our quality of life by what we have, we must realise that we have already lost ourselves and the cherished bonds with those around us.

    There are many who fiercely defend the accumulation of wealth and luxury as their service to those around them.

    They’re the ones who believe that who they are is not enough, hence the need to compensate by providing materially what they lack emotionally.

    Gratitude for the self must precede gratitude for our quality of life, or else we’ll find ourselves forever feeling incomplete, being able to choose our misery, but unable to choose our fulfilment.

    Choose carefully, before all you’re left with is wasted time and lots of money.



  • Know why, or else…

    Know why, or else…

    I often have to remind myself that it is not the disregard that others show for what I do that matters, it is my need for them to show regard for what I do that distracts me when they are uninterested or condescending.

    Similarly, it’s not the disrespect, or the lack of affection that gets us down, it’s the knowledge that we trusted someone with our need, while they chose not to honour our need, that hurts us.

    The hurt often distracts us towards fighting for our needs to be honoured, or our trust to be appreciated, while distracting us from two key things.

    We gave trust because we have it to give, and can therefore retract it at will rather than waiting for it to be returned.

    And, we offered of ourselves to someone who themselves may not have the same to offer in return.

    The choice on how to proceed from that point of realisation is dependent on how much value we place in that relationship, and in that need that we have from them.

    Recognising these differences could be the difference between abandoning a relationship for the wrong reasons, or staying in it for the wrong reasons.

    The right thing to do only comes to us when we understand why something feels wrong.

    Otherwise we end up raging or feeling despondent without knowing why, and then wait for the world to make us feel better about ourselves.

    If you make big decisions without understanding why you feel compelled to make such decisions, you will find a lot of regret awaiting you on your path through life.

  • Reclaim you

    Reclaim you

    There is a belief that a hug fixes everything.

    It doesn’t.

    There are times when a hug loses its comfort or its safety because it comes from the very source that keeps causing that pain.

    Words spoken in anger always cut deeper than any hug can reach.

    In such cases, a hug is like an apology.

    It is a plea for forgiveness or an agreement to stop the hostility, but without substance in changed behaviour, it becomes hurtful in its own way.

    A hug from the one who is causing us pain, when they don’t recognise or acknowledge the pain that they’re causing, further intensifies the pain of being with them, or of being invisible to them.

    Without realising it, we become so focused on that pain that we lose sight of how we end up trading our self-worth for the hope of receiving their kindness.

    Sometimes, if we’re beyond needing their kindness, we trade our self-worth for the need for vengeance or retribution so that they can feel how they made us feel.

    Either way, when we focus on the pain, we lose ourselves to the experience, and become caught up in the cycle of pain that caused them to treat us badly in the first place.

    In that realisation lies the opportunity for healing, and for peace.

    Reconnect with your self-worth, fed your past will cease to define your future.

    It always starts with you.

  • Silent trauma, or peace?

    Silent trauma, or peace?

    I’ve often seen claims that receiving the silent treatment from someone is the equivalent of emotional abuse – if not abusive itself – and I wondered how it is that doing nothing to someone can be considered abusive?

    I once read that what disturbs us is not the disturbance around us, but rather our inability to deal with that disturbance.

    The same is true for silence when what we desire are words or communication.

    The assumption that we make about the silence from others is that they have reason to believe that their words will have effect, or that it will bring about the understanding that they need or are trying to create.

    We also assume that they are capable of articulating what they feel and must therefore be as capable as we are in communicating what they are feeling.

    Worst of all, we judge them for being inadequate in their silence because they’re ‘supposed to be an adult’.

    Silence only becomes necessary when we have no hope of getting our point across, but do not want to walk away either.

    The silence creates space for understanding. But that space will not be used for understanding if the other person is persisting in demanding that they be communicated to in the manner, and at the time that they need to be communicated to.

    The real question that we must reflect on is, “Why are we so impacted by the silence from others that we feel rage instead of seeking to understand instead?”

    Rage is our defence against being insignificant.

    That’s why silent treatment feels like abuse because it provokes our own feelings of inadequacy or insignificance, and not because the silence itself is abusive.

    The assumptions that we make about the motives behind someone else’s behaviour is most often based on what we would be motivated by if we were in their shoes.

    Think about that the next time you are inclined towards judging someone harshly before having explored opportunities to create understanding.

  • Generational what?

    Generational what?

    The true destruction caused by our insecurities is that it destroys the good that we’re supposed to be creating in the lives of those around us.

    Insecurity isn’t always displayed through anger or defensiveness.

    Most often, to hide our insecurity, we over-compensate in spaces where we feel competent, so that we can avoid or distract attention away from that which we’re insecure about.

    Like focusing on being a hard-working father or a dutiful mother because we don’t know how to show up emotionally for our children.

    Or focusing on our children’s education at all costs, without connecting with the little humans behind that life of responsibility for which we’re preparing them.

    Or preparing them to take over the family business because they must appreciate tradition or legacy.

    As always, we can’t give what we don’t have. That’s why we can only give what we received.

    The problem is, we’re always so focused on what we didn’t receive from the roles of fathers and mothers in our lives, that we didn’t pause to consider that there were fragile humans behind those roles as well.

    Like us, our parents also have their insecurities as humans, but duty and responsibility also distracted them from realising that the anxiety about the future, or the frustration about the present was a sign that their emotional wellbeing was not where it needed to be.

    Thus, they focused on duty and responsibility, in the hope that we would be better at it than they were, not realising that we needed to feel seen and heard beyond duty or expectation.

    That’s how good intentions driven by a low self-worth can cause destruction while we think we’re creating good.

    That’s how generational trauma or unhealthy family values are passed down without realising it.

    If always starts with you.



  • Failed expectations

    Failed expectations

    The greatest hurts are not from blatant lies.

    The deepest cuts are from those we hold dear when they deliberately ignore what they know is important to us.

    Or worse, when they deliberately do what they know offends us.

    When we make known our expectations or needs from a significant other, we reveal to them what is closest to our heart and leaves us vulnerable.

    That’s why we are given to rage or emotional turmoil when they deliberately ignore or refuse to honour our needs with love and gentleness.

    We all fall short in this at some point for two reasons. It demands of us to be available in a way that may reveal our inadequacy, or we withhold our contribution because we want to communicate to them how we also feel ignored and uncared for.

    So if someone says to you that you should abandon expectations to avoid being hurt, understand that they’re also telling you to abandon the very cement of the trust in your relationship.

    If we cannot trust our significant others with the expectations that make us feel valued and fulfilled, then the essence of the relationship will be like that of any other relationship with an acquaintance.

    It is the trust that we place in each other that endears us toward each other.

    By all means, recognise the power that you’re giving your partner, but understand that without giving them such power, you will have no bond between you.

    And if they consistently fail in fulfilling your needs from them, consider that either they do not possess the emotional tools to fulfil it, or they may have expectations of you that you are overlooking.

    Understanding the truth behind their failure to show up, rather than assuming that they’re behaving in that way out of wilful and conscious intent, will allow you to either remedy the correct shortcoming in your relationship, or to contribute towards its failure.