Tag: children

  • Allow your children to be their own person

    Allow your children to be their own person

    We always have good intentions when we strive to give our children everything that we didn’t have.

    Often, this includes protecting them from the hardships or difficulties that we experienced.

    Unfortunately, when we do this, we end up protecting them from reality, and in the process, we deny them the very life lessons that taught us to appreciate what we have.

    This is one of the most common reasons for kids growing up to be timid, entitled, or disrespectful…or all of the above.

    Hardships and difficulties are character building experiences.

    Find a way that strikes a balance between allowing them to experience it, and providing guidance and support as they navigate their way through it.

    Too many assume that hardship is a denial of a good life.

    It’s not.

    Allow them to earn their privileges so that they’ll experience gratitude and fulfilment when they achieve it.

    Lastly, when you shy away from something that weighs you down, or you try to hide it from them, you’re teaching them to feel ashamed of getting things wrong, or failing at achieving goals.

    That’s how we raise them with a value system that conflicts with the kind of humans that we want them to be.

    Be mindful of your rule as a parent, but more than this, be mindful of your contribution as a human being.

    It always starts with you.

  • We’re all searching for home

    We’re all searching for home

    Remember, at some point someone also looked at you in your childhood and thought, “Damn, is this what the future looks like for humanity?”

    Our children have the best of us and the worst of us, and somewhere between those ends they form their own unique character.

    If you hope to understand them, you need to begin by understanding yourself.

    The same way that you didn’t raise yourself, neither did they.

    Therefore, when looking for answers about their behaviour, there is no reason to look any further than the people who have the greatest influence in their lives, their parents, or those fulfilling such parental roles.

    And if you’re a single parent, don’t assume that absent parents don’t hold such influence.

    Often, they hold more influence than the one who stuck around.

    Dealing with the influence of a problematic parent who is present is easier than figuring out the impact of the parent who is absent.

    Either way, understanding is more important than judging.

    Children behave badly when they struggle to find an emotionally safe space for themselves in this world.

    Understanding how this manifests in their behaviour is the secret to raising an adult with a healthy self-esteem, or a troubled child in an adult’s body with adult privilege.

    And don’t forget that you’re raising an adult, not a child.

    So speak to the human behind that bad behaviour and don’t only focus on correcting, through discipline and consequence management, the bad behaviour.

    If you only focus on discipline, you’ll lose the human and repeat the cycle of the problematic parent who themselves also continue to struggle for their place in this world.

  • Don’t pay it forward

    Don’t pay it forward

    Vengeance is easier than understanding.

    Bitterness is easier than forgiveness.

    Mirroring the behaviour of those who treated us badly is easier than rising up to be better than them.

    Each time we choose the easier path, we become the very monsters and degenerates that created the hurt and pain in our lives.

    Too often, we raise our children with harshness because we are afraid of spoiling them.

    Recognise that such fear never inspires moderation or a wholesome approach to life.

    If you treat your children the same way that you were treated, understand that you will lose them to the world because they will despise what you stand for and discard any good you tried to teach them.

    Your children have more options to choose a different path than you ever did. Give them reason to connect with the value of choosing the path that you believe will be good for them rather than simply demanding compliance with your rules or boundaries.

    Parents with unresolved childhood trauma at the hands of their own emotionally inaccessible parents raise emotionally stinted children who need to escape the reality of life rather than embrace its beauty or opportunity.

    If you want to break the cycle of abuse, the cycle of generational trauma, the cycle of harshness and detachment, or the cycle of dysfunction, you must first recognise its roots within yourself.

    It always starts with you.

    Photo credit : Adobe Stock

  • A healthy self esteem is the greatest gift

    A healthy self esteem is the greatest gift

    I believe that the greatest gift we can give our children is a healthy self-esteem.

    Without it, they’ll seek affirmation from the worst sources in their quest to feel appreciated.

    The greatest skill they can acquire is that of observation, which in turn, develops their critical thinking skills.

    Without it, they’ll struggle to tell truth from falsehood, sincerity from insincerity, and reality from deception.

    The greatest characteristic would be modesty. Because when modesty is gone, we can do as we please because the consequences have no bearing on our conscience and renders dignity and self respect irrelevant.

    This is important…especially in light of the masses of failed adults that have abandoned their responsibilities towards their children and their families.

    We have failed humanity, which is why this world is in the disastrous state that it’s in.

    The only way to change it is to make sure that we don’t pass the failings of our generation onto the next generation.

    If you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing right by your family first, and then your extended family, and then society.

    If not, today is a good day to start.

    #mentoring

  • The absent parent

    The absent parent

    Even an absent parent is still parenting.

    It’s then on the shoulders of the present one to compensate for that.

    Sometimes, the absence of someone has a greater impact on us than the presence of others.

    This is especially true for parenting.

    The absent parent leaves the child with feelings of abandonment, insignificance, and a low self-esteem, to name a few.

    Worse still, it tortures them with the hope that it could be better if only…while distracting them from embracing the life and love that they have.

    It’s that unfulfilled hope and the failed expectations that become the burden of the parent who is present, who is still committed to the wholesome development of the child, to mitigate the impact of that negative influence.

    While it’s true that the children suffer, not enough is done to recognise the impact on the single parent.

    Because the human is often forgotten behind the role or the label that we assign to them.

  • Happy Father’s Day

    Happy Father’s Day

    Father’s day. It might be one day of the year for others, but for father’s, every day is father’s day.

    For those father’s who had to figure it out by themselves.

    For those who are prevented from being fathers.

    For those who think that they’re not enough.

    And of course, for those women who had to step in for the sperm donors that didn’t step up.

    Every day is your day, because you understand why you’re blessed to be able to shape the characters of innocent souls to be the best version of you.

    To the sperm donors who think that their insecurities, or their needs are more important than showing up, consistently, for their children, I pray that you realise what harm you’re causing for yourself, as well as those innocents, by wallowing in self-pity instead of owning your shit.

    Happy father’s day. If you were blessed with a guiding hand, and gentle wisdom to prepare you for your role as a father, make this day a celebration of the one who gave you such a wonderful start in life.

    And use your blessings to pay it forward. This world needs it.

  • The single parent challenge

    The single parent challenge

    This is a burning issue. I won’t be surprised if we have more single-parent homes than we have two-parent homes these days. In fact, even many two-parent homes are run like a single-parent home because one of the partners are either uninterested, emotionally unavailable, or simply a delinquent child themselves. The crisis is much worse than any social media rants might suggest from struggling single parents.

    So, I wonder, what are the real difficulties with single parenting? It’s not only the obvious stuff, like having to carry the load for two people, or having to struggle with a split personality of being both good cop and bad cop. It’s much worse than that. As a single parent myself, I can identify with this struggle very deeply. Here’s a brief list of some of the more prominent themes that single parents must deal with on a daily basis.

    The passive toxic parent influence

    The one that shows up to raise the kids is the one that also has to deal with the influence of the absent parent. But, don’t assume that the influence that I’m referring to is only there if that parent has access to the child. No. In fact, I would argue that it can sometimes be worse when they have no access because then it’s double-jeopardy.

    Not only do you have to deal with the anger and feelings of abandonment of the child, but you also have to deal with the imaginings of the child in their efforts to try to behave in a way that they think their absent parent might notice them. Add to this the already burdensome effort of holding it together for two parents by yourself, and it’s more like triple-jeopardy.

    Finding a balance between limiting the negative influence of the ex, and allowing your child to discover the truth about them through time spent with them, can sometimes save your sanity. If you don’t have a support structure to ease this balance, proceed with great caution, and even greater mindfulness.

    The blame game

    Another common theme that single parents have to deal with are the outbursts of blame from their children which only get worse during their teen years. That blame is impossible to lay at the feet of someone that isn’t around, leaving the only available target being the parent that is actively involved in raising their child.

    To be blamed for their other parent not being around, or for not having a normal family like other kids is par for the course in a single parent home. Hearing accusations from their child about feeling unappreciated because if so-and-so was there, they would probably have more time or more interest, and so on and on and on becomes a common theme that is not always spoken out loud, but very often implied in the behaviour of the child.

    Add the tons of guilt already harboured by the single parent for not being able to provide a wholesome and ‘normal’ home for their children, and this is something that could test the patience of an angel.

    The joys and pains of childhood

    The early years, and even the tween and teen years are supposed to be the best years of bonding between a parent and their child. Single parents are often denied this joy because those are the most troublesome years for children that are still struggling with feelings of abandonment or anger because of the absence of their other parent. If anything, this is the most common scenario in which the single parent has to be good and bad cop in order to curtail unhealthy behaviours and a toxic mindset from setting in.

    Striking a balance between discipline and affection becomes difficult because being in it alone, there is a constant struggle of conscience between when affection may be interpreted as condoning bad behaviour, and when discipline may be seen as denying affection. If anything, this is probably the most difficult struggle for a single parent.

    This struggle intensifies if they simultaneously feel denied the joy of bonding and enjoying their child during the most innocent years of their lives, simply because they have a partner, or an ex-partner that doesn’t pull their weight for their children. Some are fortunate to have a support structure that cushions this blow because they had a good upbringing themselves.

    Unfortunately, many single-parent homes are that way because the adults had poor role models on which to inform their decisions in their marriage. This could have directly led to the breakdown of the relationship in the first place. In such an instance, the support structure that is needed is not one that is available or reliable, because it threatens to entrench the very same values in the children that caused the problem in the marriage.

    Extended family politics

    Having extended family to share the load can be a blessing, but can often also be a burden. If the extended family doesn’t share the same values with which we want to raise our children, it creates a tension where there should have been ease. Trying to maintain good relations with our extended family because we want to teach our kids to do the same, while also limiting the influences that we disapprove of becomes yet another juggling act that we must master.

    Finding a balance becomes that much more difficult when the extended family is also the primary social circle as happens to be the case in many traditional family structures.

    What social life?

    Single parents make more social sacrifices than anyone else. Those that don’t make such sacrifices often suffer either with the guilt of not doing enough for their children while taking some time for themselves, or they face the wrath of the intolerant child that uses every excuse to reinforce their feelings of abandonment by laying the guilt on thick and fast when they’re not the focus of attention.

    Worse than this, the aftermath of a bad relationship often means that the social circles that once provided comfort and support are no longer available to the single parent. Even if it is, the conversations often have an undertone (sometimes not so subtle) about everything that’s wrong about the ex, or sometimes reminiscing about how it could have been if only…or worse, pity.

    That show of excessive concern and sympathy for the condition of the single parent who apparently doesn’t have a life because of all their sacrifices for their children do nothing more than reinforce the internal conversations that drive the single parent crazy in their alone time at home. In other words, by focusing on how difficult their life is in our efforts to acknowledge their bravery, struggle, effort, etc. only reminds them of what they already know.

    Finding a balance between appreciating their commitment and allowing them a breather to feel normal and un-judged is the best thing you can do for them. If you really want to be a benefit and blessing to a single-parent friend, don’t spend time reminding them about their struggle. Listen to them patiently if they want to blow off some steam, or even if they just need to get an alternate perspective. However, you must encourage them to rise above it all when you find that they have an unhealthy fixation on everything that is weighing them down.

    Filling the void left by the ex

    We all need to belong, or at the least, identify with the roots that shaped us. It helps us to make sense of who we are, and more importantly why we are who we are. As kids mature and start developing their own identity, they are inclined to want to know what they inherited from which parent. The moment they recognise that they have a trait or interest that is not in common with the parent that is raising them, the questions begin to drive them insane about the absent one.

    Sometimes, as difficult as it is, it is somewhat easy to fill in the blanks for them. Especially if the ex is not particularly deserving of tar-and-feathers, or worse. In other words, if the ex became the ex simply because the relationship wasn’t healthy and not because they behaved really badly.

    However, when the ex turns out to be a real piece of work, and our greatest fears about raising our children is for them not to be like the ex at all, every conceivable alarm bell goes off when we begin to see those toxic or self-destructive traits begin to emerge in the characters of our cherished little ones. Having a healthy sounding board to stop ourselves from growing paranoid about our concerns is the best path to maintain our sanity at such times.

    If you don’t have that sounding board, you need to ramp up your efforts towards mindfulness and self-awareness, because you are your best and worst critic. Knowing how to spot when you’re good or bad to yourself is more valuable than any other support structure that you may think you need.

    Do single parents get a ‘Get out of jail free’ card?

    Single parents have to have broad shoulders with less resources and even less support, because as mentioned above, the aftermath of a bad marriage or relationship, or sadly no relationship at all, often makes holding on to our old support structures very difficult. In a society that is excited by the opportunity to be able to judge others on social media, developing trusting friendships or support structures as a single parent becomes that much more difficult.

    So, do we get a ‘Get out of jail free’ card? No. The moment we look to take the easy way out, we become no better than the one that abandoned their children to begin with. More importantly, the moment we think of abdicating our responsibilities as single parents, we create in our children the very same cycle that destroyed our hopes of having a wholesome family.

    Children of ‘broken’ homes are most at risk of repeating the cycle. Not because a broken home spawns broken humans, but because a broken home that is accepted to be broken spawns broken individuals who must then use their life to discover what is normal, or wholesome, rather than to live it beautifully.

    Where to from here?

    Investing in our own wellbeing is as critical, if not more critical in our efforts to break the cycle that got us into this mess in the first place. Yes, our children are not a mess, and neither is our effort to raise them well. But, if the net effect of our lives weren’t a mess, there would be no need to write this article, and no need for you to read it.

    So, do what single parents do best. Keep it real, and face down the demons that threaten your sanity and question your self-worth. Start by investing in who you are, and get to know yourself better than any friend or therapist could ever get to know you. And the starting point is to understand why you are the way you are, so that you may be able to embrace that reality, and consciously choose, with kindness, what it is that you wish to do differently in future.

    Don’t look at your children and question how you may have let them down. That betrayal of their trust in this world was a joint effort with your partner at the time. You’re still here and trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Focus on that, and take joy from the small successes, because it is the small successes that leave a lasting imprint more than the big ones.

    The true heroes of our society are not the celebrated icons, but the quiet soldiers that fight the good fight because they are sincerely invested in creating a society better than the one that let them down in the first place.

    You, the single parent, are one of those heroes.

    No single article can do justice to this topic. But, I hope that this small effort will be enough to remind us that not everything is what it seems in a single-parent home so that we as a society will be able to develop more empathy and support for those that are desperately trying to break the cycle of dysfunction that we see around us.

  • Razing Adults

    Razing Adults

    I have a good chuckle each time I replay the words to that parody about millennials. The one sung by a human beat box singing to the tune of Life Goes On. As entertaining and relatable as the lyrics may be, it misses one critical point, which is in fact the irony of it all. The general discussions and criticisms about millennials are most often voiced by the generation of adults that came before them. So I wondered that if the adults are complaining about the next generation, who raised these millennials to be such dramatic and entitled members of society? Given the general level of irresponsible behaviour among millennials, they obviously couldn’t have raised themselves.

    It’s a common failing. We blame society for what is wrong with the world around us, but abdicate our responsibility to and participation in that very same society. We blame corruption for the misery in the country but abdicate responsibility for our contribution towards it when we dodge taxes or pay bribes to get out of speeding fines. And so it is with the millennial problem. The same adults that failed as parents are now ready to point out what is wrong with the generation that they failed, while feigning innocence in the process.

    Far too often I hear adults mention how they are trying to give their children everything that the adults didn’t have while growing up. They don’t want their children to struggle the way that they (the adults) did. They despise their trials in life as if it was a curse while neglecting to notice that growth and strength of character is not developed in times of ease. This selfish indulgence by adults has robbed an entire generation of critical character building experiences by trying to protect them from life itself.

    The greatest mistake you can make as a parent is to convince yourself that you’re raising children. You’re not. You’re raising adults. Unfortunately we have too many insecure parents who want to be popular with their kids rather than making the tough decisions that will guide them instead. Because they don’t have to be the bad cop, they assume that they’re doing a good job, while raising kids that are so fragile that not having an electronic device or enough online privileges sends their kids into a depressed state.

    Every tantrum thrown by a kid has a diagnosis of a mental disorder attached to it. Not only does this resign the remedy to dangerous and unnecessary medication, but it gives the parents a get-out-of-jail-free card by suggesting that the problem is not related to environment, discipline, or healthy boundaries. Adults that refuse to age gracefully because they’re afraid of letting go of their youth do not take their rightful place as adults, guides, mentors, and most importantly parents in the home, and in society. What this means is that there is a vacuum of leadership and role models that see egomaniacs taking office to lead nations, and children having to relearn the lessons of the effects of absent parents, while having parents around. Not only is it an avoidable burden, it erodes the social structures that are needed for harmonious and wholesome living.

    However, such harmony and wholesomeness is what everyone desires, but only a few are willing to actively pursue. Everyone feels entitled to peace and comfort, but no one wants to create the environment or circumstances needed for it. There is an app for everything, and an outsourced service provider to take care of what the apps can’t do. And somewhere in between there is a lost generation being raised to believe that selfish needs are justified and duty is only reciprocal if there is something in it for you.

    We’ve razed adults from the horizon and replaced them with entitled brats in adult bodies. They’ve tainted the formative years and then spend their lives trying to undo the damage that becomes evident in the troubled teen years of their children’s lives. That is, for those that stick around and don’t see parenting as optional. Unfortunately it is accepted as quite the norm for fathers or mothers, or both to abdicate responsibility knowing that there is a grandparent or a daycare service that will take care of the responsibility instead. The selfishness carries a nauseating stench that will linger long into the next generation who will have to figure out effective parenting by themselves, or from what little recollections they may have of the substitute adults that raised them.

    Raise adults. Not children. The growing process for children takes care of itself. They didn’t need to be taught how to crawl or walk, or talk. They followed your example because it was set through active engagement, and not through dishing out instructions and walking away. The same is true for self-respect, responsibility, compassion, sincerity, resilience, tenacity, and all those other wonderful traits that are sorely lacking in the world as we are experiencing it today. Children do not need lessons on how to have fun, or how to party. They just need absent parents to figure that out without any boundaries.

    Stop trying to live a perpetual childhood for the rest of your life. No matter how young you feel inside, you will not delay the aging process, or the inevitability of death. What you will achieve though, when chasing such superficial and childish goals like trying to look 18 when  you’re 30, or behaving like a student when you’re having a boys’ night out when you’re 40, is abandoning your responsibility to a child that will see your juvenile behaviour as acceptable, and will struggle to figure out why establishing a healthy relationship or fulfilling social contracts is so difficult. Remember that point about how they don’t need to be taught how to party? Well, when they hit the lows because of their ineptitude at maintaining healthy relationships, they will once again resort to unhealthy and reckless behaviour that they saw from their wayward parents who were trying to be cool instead of passing on a baton that was worth holding on to.

    Don’t fail your children because you insist on trying to lick the bottom of the cup of youth. It’s pathetic. And entirely unfulfilling. There is a beauty and a peace that is achieved in living a full life. Not full of yourself, but full of the beauty of the lives that you have touched, especially the lives of your children.

    Don’t raise children. Raise adults. The world has enough misguided kids already.