Blog

  • Dream killers

    Dream killers

    Do you find yourself waiting in the shadows, wondering when will it be safe to emerge and take that risk on something that you’ve always dreamt of achieving?

    Are you waiting for the perfect moment to ensure that you get it just right?

    Or do you find yourself mentioning it to any person that shows an interest in what you’re passionate about, always lighting up with excitement when you talk about it, but also ensuring that you have a good argument as to why you can’t do it just yet?

    All the above is most often driven by self-doubt rather than the due diligence needed to ensure that you understand the dynamics to be successful at your passion project.

    Due diligence has its place. But only in good measure. Otherwise it ceases to be due diligence and results in analysis-paralysis.

    Analysis-paralysis is when we exhaust ourselves in research and understanding to the point of fatigue, so that we accumulate enough information about what may go wrong, while ignoring or downplaying the probabilities of what may go right.

    It’s driven by a need for perfection that is a defence mechanism to protect ourselves from appearing incompetent in front of others.

    The fear of failure destroys more hope than failure itself.

    That’s why it’s important to choose your confidante carefully when wanting a sounding board about a project or venture that you’re passionate about.

    Share it with naysayers, and they’ll convince you that your dreams are too big for your social standing.

    Share it with visionaries, and they’ll inspire you to overcome the odds while focusing purposefully on the path that you need to navigate to achieve your dreams.

    Wanting to run the race means nothing if you don’t get out of the starting blocks.

    Decide…do you want to leave a legacy of what-ifs and if-onlys, or do you want to leave a legacy that uplifts and inspires?

  • Settling for a hint of life

    Settling for a hint of life

    How we see ourselves is reflected in the choices that we make in life.

    Not what is obvious about those choices, but what we’re trying to achieve through those choices.

    Unfortunately, most are unaware of the second part. That underlying need that drives the choices that we make.

    When we lose sight of that need, we feel drawn by instinct or desperation to do things that just ‘feel’ right, and then convince ourselves that we must trust our instincts.

    But what if those instincts are driven by fear because we’re in survival mode after having had a bad childhood, or marriage?

    Will our choices be healthy, or unhealthy?

    If we’re not in tune with this side of who we are and how life has affected our sense of self, we’ll try desperately to create a good life for ourselves while losing ourselves in the process.

    Eventually, we end up believing that the world has no place for us, or that it’s a cruel and harsh place, leaving us hoping or waiting to be saved…or waiting for death. Whichever comes first.

    Reconnect with yourself in a way that is free of judgement, but full of understanding, and your choices will be informed by what you are passionate about, rather than what you desperately need from others to feel loved or accepted.

    It always starts with you.


  • But is it abuse?

    But is it abuse?

    If the widespread belief that silent treatment is emotional abuse is to be accepted, then we must also consider the form of abuse that its counter behaviour imposes.

    Silent treatment is not an assault on the senses and it doesn’t demand a response. The impact on the recipient of silent treatment is therefore dependent on what the recipient needs to feel validated or visible in that relationship.

    It also means that the reason for the dysfunctional communication has to be considered beyond just the withholding of communication from one of the parties.

    However, with nagging, it is an assault on the senses and has an inherent demand for a response.

    Nagging is based on the assumption of insensitivity or unwillingness on the part of our partner, rather than trying to understand why the first or second request for something was not or could not have been agreed to, or why they see no point in repeatedly acknowledging the same point.

    The important point is therefore not about whether it is or is not abuse, but rather why the communication has broken down to the point of such behaviours being the only means to express dissatisfaction with our partners.

    Claims of abuse are counter-productive unless either party is physically prevented from walking away from such forms of ‘abuse’ .

    The focus should therefore be on creating understanding about why communication has broken down, rather than supporting one partner against the other.

    No one nags or remains silent if they believe that their reasonable voice will be appreciated.

  • Depression is not what you think it is

    Depression is not what you think it is

    ⚠ Trigger Warning ⚠


    Depression is not a mental illness. It is a legitimate human emotion in the face of overwhelming odds, or the absence of hope.

    It is a moment of pause when everything that we believed to be true about our world, appears to fail us.

    By labelling this important human emotion as an illness, we dehumanise the human who is struggling to find hope in the midst of turmoil, or pain.

    To break the cycle of depression, we must embrace the reasons for feeling depressed.

    Embracing those reasons is not about judging whether we’re right or wrong, or strong or weak, for feeling depressed.

    Embracing those reasons means to gain a fresh perspective on why we invested ourselves in people who appear to have taken our trust for granted.

    When we lose sight of this trust that we placed in others, we also forget that we’ve grown to see ourselves through what we think they think of us because of how they responded to our efforts towards them.

    In other words, we lost sight of who we are, because we assumed them to be someone they’re not.

    Again, it’s not about judging them or ourselves.

    Instead, it’s about understanding where our assumptions and beliefs were misinformed, so that we can connect with the real reasons why it didn’t work out the way we wanted, rather than assume that it’s because we were not enough.

    Depression is always about the absence of hope in achieving something that is important to us, without which every other success in life feels empty and pointless.

    It’s only through understanding how this plays out uniquely in our life, that we’ll be able to rise above the hopelessness that set in when we were distracted by the failure of not achieving our dreams.

    Pause. Breathe. And try again. Only this time, wiser, and more capable than before.

  • Navigating relationships – 5 of 5

    Navigating relationships – 5 of 5

    As romantic as it seems, needing someone to complete you means that you’re not at peace with yourself.

    It’s not about whether it’s right or wrong. Instead, it’s about being aware of the demands that you’re placing on your partner, most likely without realising it.

    If both are equally invested in such an approach to the relationship, no problem.

    However, it also means that they need to experience emotional growth at the same rate, or else the one will outgrow the other, leaving their partner feeling abandoned or betrayed.

    Expectations from, or of your partner is a good thing.

    But, without mindfulness and understanding of what drives such expectations, and why they may or may not feel comfortable with such expectations being placed on them, relationships end up breaking down for all the wrong reasons.

    The most critical factor in making a relationship work is ensuring that you’re both similarly emotionally mature.

    When emotional maturity, and in turn self-worth from both sides, is in a healthy space, contentious and sensitive issues can be discussed and resolved with relative ease.

    That’s when you’ll move from completing each other, to complementing each other.

    The difference between the two is that you allow each other to be uniquely beautiful in the relationship without either one feeling threatened or smothered the moment there is a difference in the growth that either experiences.

    If you’re contemplating walking away from someone you once loved and dreamed of making a future with, pause to consider if the reasons you’re leaving are really the reasons that your relationship is not what it used to be.

  • Navigating relationships – 4 of 5

    Navigating relationships – 4 of 5

    The importance of having a healthy support structure cannot be over emphasised.

    Majority of relationships fail because support structures from one or both sides are focused on protecting their own from the assumed malicious intent of the other party, rather than trying to establish understanding between the couple, and supporting them towards building their relationship.

    This need to protect before seeking to understand is the very same culture that leads individuals to believe that what they need from the relationship is more important than what they need to contribute to the relationship.

    The old school wisdom that teaches us that we don’t only marry an individual, we marry their entire family, is true but very misunderstood.

    Not only do we need to understand that the extended family will have expectations of us, but also that the family culture will influence the expectations that our partners have of us.

    Believing that either our partner or we are capable of completely mitigating the impact of that extended family influence is naive.

    At some point, sometimes very early in the marriage, the loyalties are tested through guilt-trips or blatant demands where we feel pulled between our support structures and our partners.

    That’s when relationships go sour if the individuals involved are unprepared for that kind of emotional pressure.

    That’s when choosing an independent and informed advisor becomes critical towards breaking the patterns that are leading to the breakdown of the relationship.

    Choose carefully.

  • Navigating relationships – 3 of 5

    Navigating relationships – 3 of 5

    Understanding why you or your partner behave the way that you do is only the first critical step in creating harmony and establishing that bond that makes a relationship resilient.

    Once you have this understanding, you need to decide what to do with it.

    That’s when having mature, objective, and sound advisors become the next critical part in our efforts towards establishing healthy relationships, both with ourselves and with those around us.

    Loyalty often blinds friends and family towards protecting us, even when we’re not attacked nor being deliberately treated badly.

    Their need to protect us is more about their fears from their own experiences or their need to feel significant in our lives, than it is about guiding us towards the best outcomes.

    A sincere advisor is one who won’t protect you from the truth of your contribution towards the difficulties that you may be experiencing just because they’re afraid that you may be upset with them.

    This is true not only for friends and family, but especially for coaches and therapists.

    The golden rule when choosing an advisor is to confirm that they’re driven towards understanding your situation objectively, while offering insights into what is contributing towards it from both sides, before they insist on a course of action that you must follow.

    In fact, when an advisor insists that you take specific steps towards resolving something, they’re no longer advisors. They’re instructors.

    So be sure about whether you’re seeking instruction or advice on how to connect with your partner in a healthier and more meaningful way.

    Instructions are based on someone else’s value system, while advice is aimed at providing insight into your reality so that you can make an informed decision based on your value system. Not theirs.

    Choose carefully.

  • Navigating relationships – 2 of 5

    Navigating relationships – 2 of 5

    When we’re insecure about who we are, we’re more likely to assume that the behaviour of those around us is because of what they think of us.

    This places an unspoken burden on them that influences how they show up for us when we need them most.

    If you want to understand your behaviour towards your partner, or their behaviour towards you, you need to be aware of the dynamics in your relationship with your own family. Especially your parents.

    This is true for them as well.

    When we have dysfunctional or even abusive relationships with our family or parents, what we lack in those relationships inevitably feeds our insecurity in our own relationships, and it influences what we expect from our partners to make up for what was always lacking.

    Most often, this is a subconscious need or demand that we place on them, and that they place on us.

    The more aware we are of this, the greater our chances of being able to remedy it without it contaminating an otherwise good relationship.

    When we feel triggered by something that our partner does, it means that we’re still affected by a past experience that most likely occurred long before we met them.

    Our trigger is ours to own, because it is our fear about what the future holds relative to what the current moment reminds us about our past.

    Hence the fear and anxiety that prompts us to respond with intensity towards something seemingly innocent from others.

    When you’re caught up in a bad cycle with someone, focus on what you’re contributing towards that cycle and change that, rather than focusing on what you need them to change to break that cycle.

    It always starts with you.