Category: Self Worth

  • When sincerity is tested

    When sincerity is tested

    Like the old saying goes, talk is cheap, and actions speak louder than words.

    It’s easy to say the right thing, especially when times are good and what we’re committing to is convenient.

    However, when our commitments pull us between what we want for ourselves versus what we committed to doing for someone else, that’s when our sincerity is tested.

    But what defines our sincerity?

    Is it how we want to appear to others or how we live by the values that we stand for?

    The moment we’re focused on what others think of us, we play to the responses that we want from them, even when we’re doing something good.

    The problem with this is that without realising it, our motivation slowly shifts from living by our values to how we are perceived by others.

    That’s the beginning of how we lose ourselves to the attention that we get from others.

    More than this, the lower our self-respect, the more inclined we’ll be to say the right thing while finding it difficult to do the right thing.

    That’s when making excuses for our behaviour becomes easy when others challenge us about the commitments that we haven’t honoured.

    This is an indication of a low level of self-respect.

    Self-respect is tainted when we lack gratitude for who we are.

    The more we dismiss the value of who we are, the more we’ll need validation from others. Hence the unhealthy cycle of focusing on what others think of us, versus being true to who we are.

    We’ll only be true to who we are if we truly value who we are.

    For this reason, don’t expect sincerity or consistency from one who is self-loathing. And realise that you are self-loathing when you struggle to be consistent or to follow through on the commitments that you make to others.

    It always starts with you.

  • Don’t trade your best for their worst

    Don’t trade your best for their worst

    There is rarely a day that passes without me reading or hearing about someone who invested years, if not decades of their life, to people who were not invested in the relationship.

    When the reality of that betrayal finally hits home, it destroys our spirit and convinces us that we’ve sacrificed the best years of our life while having nothing more to look forward to.

    Nothing could be further from the truth.

    The same way we were able to create beauty in such a desolate landscape, we must recognise that the best of us that we gave was simply the truth of who we were. And are.

    The moment we discard that because it was discarded by an ingrate who was looking for servitude of their ego when they could have had love for their essence, we become ingrates just like them.

    Don’t trade who you are for who they were. It’s never a fair trade. You owe yourself more than that.

    And self-pity will only ever prevent you from being true to yourself.

    Embrace the beauty of who you are despite the ugly of who they were.

    That’s how we take back the gift that they discarded so that we may be able find a more fitting recipient.

    As long as you’re breathing, there’s always hope.

  • Don’t honour your fear

    Don’t honour your fear

    Fear is a tricky emotion.

    When we feel the fear rising within us, it’s the first time that we become aware of something that threatens our peace or our significance.

    But because it’s also the most prominent emotion that connects with us physically, it often feels more real than it is.

    That’s why we respond to the fear, or we set out trying to find the best ways to cope with it.

    But fear is just a signal to draw our focus to the real issue that requires our attention.

    Fear is driven by the assumptions that we make about whether our needs are going to be fulfilled, or not.

    Fear is what we experience when what we need from a situation or relationship is under threat.

    The reasons for it being under threat is often a combination of actual lessons learnt, versus assumptions based on past experiences.

    It’s those assumptions the we should focus on, not the fear itself.

    After careful consideration, should the assumptions prove true, we then have the opportunity to respond purposefully to the issues that we’ve identified, rather than holding on to the fear itself.

    Don’t honour your fear. Honour your ability to rise above it, the way you have so many times before in your life.

    Own Your Life.

  • Abandon your values, abandon your peace

    Abandon your values, abandon your peace

    There are times when the burden of standing alone weighs down heavily enough to convince us to just let go.

    Most often, we’re focused on letting go because holding on is too hard, and not because we’re creating something better in its place.

    When we let go for the wrong reasons, we compromise who we are and what we stand for.

    We let go because we want peace, not because we agree with the reasons for letting go, or giving up, or not standing up!

    That’s when we compromise our values in the hope of having peace.

    But peace becomes elusive when what we’re left with conflicts with what we stand for.

    Like condoning behaviour that we disagree with, just to avoid the argument.

    Or overlooking unethical or immoral conduct because we don’t want to get involved.

    It may offer us the avoidance of conflict, but avoidance of conflict doesn’t mean we’ll have peace.

    It only means that we will have some measure of calm on the outside, but turmoil on the inside.

    When you find yourself having to compromise your values to avoid conflict, consider that it is not your values that is problematic, but rather how you are trying to share the importance of your values with those around you.

    First change your approach, or your method, or your expectations of others, before abandoning your values.

    Most often, we find ourselves expecting them to connect with what is important to us without giving them reason to understand why it’s important in the first place.

    That’s usually because we haven’t looked deeper than our emotional connection with our value system either.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Does it matter what you deserve?

    Does it matter what you deserve?

    While it’s true that we pursue only that which we believe we deserve, or what we believe we’re capable of achieving, the irony of life is found when we pause to consider what we deserve in the first place.

    It’s a distraction that leads us further from purpose and closer to self-serving behaviour.

    It’s a delicate balance between recognising when we may be undermining our self-worth versus connecting with the value that we wish to create.

    When we lack awareness of the value of who we are, we slip into a victim-like mindset where we feel threatened with insignificance or irrelevance when others do not validate or appreciate us.

    That’s when we find reason to focus on what we deserve, or we deride ourselves for what we believe we’re incapable of achieving.

    The moment we believe we have to claim what we deserve, we lose sight of the struggle of the human who is treating us poorly. It also means that we’re devalued because of how they are treating us.

    Whether either is true is irrelevant, because the way to ensure that we don’t lose ourselves to their behaviour is to ensure that we are connected, with conviction, about who we are in that moment.

    The more mindful we are about the value that we wish to create in every moment, the less we’ll be distracted by bad behaviour from others, and the more we’ll be focused on creating beautiful moments, rather than lamenting bad ones.

    It all starts with honest, sincere, self-awareness that is focused on the gratitude of who we are, rather than our sense of entitlement to the validation or inclusion that we need from others.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • The burden of self-loathing

    The burden of self-loathing

    Allow me to explain…

    “I trust more easily those who expose the struggles of their lives, rather than those who live a life of pretend.”

    Our need to pretend is evidence of self-loathing.

    “But not those who present their struggles to justify their shortcomings.”

    Too many preempt being judged harshly about what they know they’re lacking in their conduct, and present their struggles to offer an excuse for why they are unable to be better than who they are.

    This is further evidence of self-loathing.

    “Such struggles are filtered versions of the truth to present a facade to win favour or sympathy.”

    Be weary of those who wear their hearts on their sleeves. They will expect you to honour their struggles rather than to uplift them from that space.

    “If we lie about our life, how can we be trusted about anything else?”

    Those who present their lives to be something other than what it evidently is, are ashamed of who they are.

    Again, self-loathing is what drives their behaviour.

    When you engage with such people, or if you are doing some of this, the problem to be solved is not one of honesty or authenticity.

    The problem to be solved is one of acceptance and understanding to reconnect with the human that feels less than human.

    To reconnect with the human who lost sight of their value, rather than to correct their behaviour.

    And if you can’t connect despite your best efforts, then remain silent and walk away.

    Your harsh criticism or judgment, no matter how well-intentioned, will further beat down the one who is already beating themselves up.

    Be kind. Be understanding. Be human.

  • Do you matter when it matters most?

    Do you matter when it matters most?

    I often hear about people who are frustrated at not being able to get through to someone.

    The most common assumption when that happens is that we’re obviously not important to them, or what we need isn’t important to them.

    Sometimes, that may be true. Especially when it comes to those who are not close to us but we have to work with or get along with them for reasons beyond our control.

    When we recognise what our role is in someone’s space, we’ll find it easier to choose our moments when our words may be appreciated, versus when silence will be more appropriate.

    Even with loved ones.

    Assuming that we’re unimportant also assumes that what they need is something that they need from us, let alone something that we can give them. .

    That’s the difficult part to accept because of our desire to be everything for those we love.

    However, it’s a distraction from what’s really going on in their space.

    Without meaning to, we make their needs about us while losing sight of what they need.

    Sometimes, seeking to understand before assuming to be insignificant may increase the significance that is felt by both, whereas demanding significance diminishes the significance of both.

    The fear of insignificance has probably created more insecurity than insecurity itself.

    If you’re convinced of your value, acceptance or validation from others, while still important, will not have an unhealthy impact on you when they’re not expressing it in the way that you need.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Do you remember you?

    Do you remember you?

    In the face of rejection, it becomes easier to claim who we are.

    But not always.

    Sometimes we claim a version of ourselves as a protest against those who judge us harshly.

    If we don’t realise that we’re doing it, we’ll convince ourselves that we need to be that way to save face or to maintain our credibility, or to get them to pay attention.

    But in the process, we grow further apart from who we really are because we wanted to test our significance with a significant other that treated us like we were insignificant.

    Eventually, we lose sight of the path to reclaim who we are, at which point we look to blame those who treated us badly for causing us to be bitter about life.

    All this can be avoided if we stop to consider the real reasons as to why others treat us badly, rather than assuming that they do so because we’re just not good enough.

    Most often, it’s because they feel like they’re not good enough.

    The same way that they project their insecurities on us, we do the same in return, all in the name of trying to confirm our significance by avoiding the appearance of weakness.

    The moment we blame others for how we connect with our life, we become part of that cycle of harsh judgement and rejection, because we’re denying the choices that we made by abdicating responsibility for the state in which we find ourselves.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.