⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING
This meme showed up on my timeline earlier and highlighted everything that is wrong with the way in which we treat each other.
There are a few terms that I generally disagree with (sometimes very strongly) if used to describe people.
These terms include broken, damaged, toxic, and basically anything that reduces a human to a single repulsive notion.
We lose our humanness when we see someone’s bad behaviour and assume that to be the totality of who they are.
No one is toxic. We may have destructive behaviours, or dysfunctional perspectives and so on. But that doesn’t make us toxic.
It makes us a human that is struggling to find our humanness in the absence of understanding or compassion from someone significant.
What’s more ‘toxic’? A single person that is allowed to define the tone of an entire family, or a family that lacks any conviction in their own self-worth to be defined by a single person?
Enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong, not only when it’s fashionable or easy, but especially when it’s difficult.
If we give up our ability to create good with those around us, we lose our right to complain about them letting us down.
If someone is angry or bitter, they’re feeling unappreciated.
Reduce a person’s sincere efforts towards fulfilling their part in a relationship to nothing more than duty and minimum expectation, and you’ll very quickly inspire ‘toxic’ behaviour on their part.
Drop the labels and start seeing the human behind the behaviour.
There will come a time when you will need others to show you the same empathy and compassion.
Just because you’re struggling to strike a balance between enabling bad behaviour versus understanding it doesn’t mean that the bad behaviour is toxic. It just means that you are not equipped or are not the right person to influence the positive change that you’d like to see in them.
Stop judging. Be human.
#emotionalabuse #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #selfworth #selfawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #narcissist #narcissisticabuse
Category: relationships
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Stop judging. Be human.
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Look back with understanding
When you don’t have a gentle hand to guide you, or an understanding structure to support you, life will be shaped through trial and error.
In the same way that we can’t give what we don’t have, nor can others offer us what they don’t have – no matter how much we need it from them, or may have rights to get it from them.
Realising this has been the saving grace of my sanity through a colourful life.
So many of us set out in life knowing who we don’t want to be based on our experiences with those around us – especially our parents.
But we fail to realise that it doesn’t prepare us, or give us anything to work with, in determining how to be who we want to be.
It may sound cryptic, but it’s not.
It’s easy to identify what we want to achieve in life, but if we don’t know how life works, we will keep tripping up on the subtleties that cause havoc in ways that we never anticipated.
No one sets out to destroy their own life, even if they persist in blatantly destructive behaviour.
They do so because they exhausted themselves living life wishfully instead of purposefully.
Such a mindset results from anger about what you don’t have, leading to acting with haste or impatience in striving for what you want.
The only antidote that I’ve discovered for this is to observe, with the intention of understanding, those who let you down or didn’t show up the way you needed them to.
Our trial and error, like theirs, denies others the wisdom and support that they need to learn how life works.
Self-pity or entitlement, and especially anger, will never change that reality, it will only repeat the cycles that may have caused us hardship.
It always starts with you.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #parenting #divorce -
10 Rules for life
If you don’t hold yourself accountable before you hold others accountable, you’re insincere about what you claim to uphold.
If you focus on everyone else’s shortcomings that you think may justify your behaviour, you will be defined by everyone else’s shortcomings.
Is that really the standard by which you want to live?
It always starts with you.
Here are the 10 Rules:
1. If you want to be trusted, conduct yourself with integrity and consistency at all times, not only when things are easy.
2. If you want to be respected, learn to respect others, not only when there’s something in it for you.
3. If you want to be appreciated, show appreciation for what you have and what you receive instead of behaving as if you’re entitled to everything that you need or want.
4. If you want to be treated like an adult, communicate like an adult instead of throwing tantrums or assuming that you’re right so there’s no need for you to convince anyone else about what you believe to be true.
5. If you want to feel cared for, show due care and consideration for others, and not only for people from whom you need things or from those who stroke your ego.
6. If you want the benefit of the doubt, work on your credibility instead of demanding to be treated as if you have credibility, especially if you did something that raised doubts about your credibility.
7. If you want to be heard, listen with the intention of understanding, and not with the intention of responding to prove that you’re right while ignoring the facts presented to you.
8. If you can’t handle the answer to a question, don’t ask the question because you’re looking to hear what you want to hear, rather than being interested in what others have to say.
9. If you don’t want others to assume the worst of you, stop assuming the worst of others.
10. If you want your rights to be respected, fulfil your responsibilities. All of it. Not only the ones that you think you need to or feel like fulfilling.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #justsaying #rulesforlife #relationshipgoals #marriage #divorce -
Be the village
While it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to corrupt a child.
Parenting is a monumental challenge in itself, but becomes infinitely more challenging when being done by a single parent.
Add to the single parenting challenge by having an obstructive co-parent, and the challenge continues to grow ever more insurmountable.
If that’s not enough, throw in the depraved value system of the global village that is available on every Internet connected device that your child has access to, and suddenly you realise exactly what you’re competing with in trying to raise a wholesome, healthy, and grounded human.
But it’s not impossible to achieve, despite those impossible odds stacked against any dedicated parent/s.
Firstly, you need to realise the impact of your role in their life, especially when the self-pity sets in from the extended struggle of trying to be the most prominent influence in their life.
Secondly, you need to understand that wayward behaviour is their fears driving them towards wanting to be significant in their social circles. Focus on understanding those fears, rather than fixating on the bad behaviour.
Thirdly, even if they currently reject the values that you’re trying to instill, you cannot compromise on those values or else you convince them that it’s optional. Standing firm gives them a point of reference for later in life when they will need those values more than ever.
Lastly, parenting is not for those who need instant gratification, nor is it about the parent.
It’s about demonstrating the value and benefit of living life the way that you want them to live theirs, and not compelling them through the fear of consequences to do the right thing.
Fear is never a sustainable motivator to be a good person.
But sometimes it’s a necessary tool to break a harmful cycle.
Be very careful with how you use it.
#parenting #generationaltrauma #singleparenting #ownyourlife #theegosystem #lifecoaching #zaidismail #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery -
Gratitude is not an attitude
What would life be like if you maximised every resource and every opportunity to which you have access?
What would the quality of your relationships be if you built on everything that works instead of focusing on what’s not working?
How would you feel about yourself if you looked at all you’ve overcome instead of being bitter about having had to deal with it all?
Life is not about an attitude of gratitude, or good habits, because gratitude is not an attitude and habits are formed out of desiring efficiency or convenience.
Gratitude is an outcome.
Gratitude is a result of being aware of everything that’s good and right about life, despite there being so many things that could be better, or should be better.
Gratitude is about understanding what is within our ability to change or influence for the better, and holding ourselves accountable for taking action on that, rather than sitting back and complaining about it.
Gratitude is not about transacting based on who deserves what. It’s about considering what we wish to enable or what we wish to challenge because of the values by which we strive to live.
Gratitude, when applied to ourselves, is reflected in how we seek to understand why we are who we are, rather than judging ourselves with shame because of who we’re not.
Gratitude is reflected in our ability to rise above the anger or bitterness of others, rather than to lose ourselves to it or get drawn into their bitterness because of how they treat us.
Gratitude is practiced when we approach others with empathy and compassion because we see their struggle with their own demons, instead of judging their inadequacy because we don’t struggle with the same demons.
Gratitude is not a choice.
Gratitude is a result of remembering our journey of growth, and owning every step that we took on that journey, both good and bad, while being mindful of the steps that we’re still taking every single day as we work towards our aspirational goals without feeling entitled to having what we strive for.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #gratitude -
You are your own worst victim
The victim mindset wreaks the most destruction and creates the worst of oppressors.
The victim mindset is established when we find ourselves nursing wounds of experiences and betrayals that have long since passed.
The victim mindset is nurtured when we are emotionally impacted by the behaviour of those who play no meaningful role in our life.
The victim mindset becomes more deeply entrenched when we expect others to make up for our experiences from long before we ever knew them.
The victim mindset is the most debilitating, demoralising, and destructive mindset of them all because it takes offence from being challenged, insult from observation, or feels attacked when advised.
The victim mindset is set firmly on the belief that we are defined by how others treat us, or treated us.
The victim mindset denies us the mindfulness and accountability needed to own our life because we’re waiting for our perceived injustices to be remedied before we allow ourselves to move on.
The victim mindset confuses meaningful action with blind rage.
The victim mindset destroys, but never creates anything of benefit.
The victim mindset wastes away life while lamenting the past.
The victim mindset is a corruption of the soul that fails to separate the moment of being a victim with what we hold onto from the experience long after the experience has passed.
While we’re caught up in that victim mindset, we lose sight of how many around us become victims of our rage, our neglect, our self-consumed approach to life, and our abdication of responsibility in how we’re supposed to show up for them.
The victim mindset therefore spawns more victims, and the only way to rise above it is to own it and want to be more than that.
When you claim your rights before you honour your responsibilities, you’re in a victim state of mind, and you cause oppression while using your feeling of oppression to justify your behaviour.
It always starts with you.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife #victimmindset #narcissism #narcissisticabuse -
It doesn’t make you stronger
The belief that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is a lie.
It may prepare us for greater trials and opportunities, but we also grow impatient or intolerant when we find ourselves facing the same issues repeatedly.
Life feels fulfilling and purposeful when we solve a problem and move on, but feels exceedingly frustrating when we are compelled to deal with the same problem every day.
Eventually, it’s not the repeated problem that gets to us but rather anyone associated with such problems.
Like going to work and dealing with disrespect or unreasonable demands to constantly have to explain or defend yourself, and then getting home and being faced with similar experiences in a different context.
Those themes that are similar between work and home is what feels like a trigger or a provocation because emotionally, it resonates with the insignificance that we feel in both places.
And the same is true in reverse.
What we experience in our home life preloads us for what we’re willing to tolerate in our public or professional life.
The more mindful we are about this, the less likely we are to rage at those who have nothing to do with our misery. Be they loved ones, or strangers.
Don’t go looking for character building experiences that will make you stronger.
Life has plenty in store for you by design.
#hope #life #ownyourlife #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthrecovery #theegosystem #whatdoesntkillyou #whatdoesntkillus #peace #mindfulness #lifecoaching #zaidismail -
Who smiles first?
Are you perhaps the village idiot in someone else’s life, or maybe they’re filling that role in yours?
The answer to the question as to who puts a smile on the face of the village idiot is that no one does.
No one puts a smile on the face of the village idiot because no one notices the village idiot.
But everyone is always willing to take a smile from them, or to be entertained by them.
Who might that village idiot be?
That village idiot is the care giver, the supporter, the ones who serve without recognition, or the ones who uplift without asking for anything in return.
It’s the invisible ones that we expect things from, but don’t consider what they need from us.
Sometimes we’re the village idiots in other people’s lives.
But most often, we don’t recognise the village idiots in our lives because when we take people for granted, they become invisible or at the least, their contribution feels like our right or their duty.
And when they no longer provide us with what we need from them, we don’t stop to consider why.
If we do, we usually assume that they’ve changed, or that we’re no longer important to them.
So, we simply move on and find a replacement.
By making significant others invisible in their contribution to us, or only recognising it when we become invisible to them, we create the environment for depression, anxiety, abuse, and suicide, to name just a few common outcomes of feeling invisible.
So, I ask you again, who puts a smile on the face of the village idiot?
Remember : We only contribute towards a significant other when we believe that we matter to them.
When we discover that we don’t, or that we weren’t as significant as we hoped to be, it tests our emotional resilience and our self-worth.
How we respond to that test determines the difference between peace or pain.
#hope #expectation #sincerity #selfworth #selfawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #lifecoaching #zaidismail #theegosystem #ownyourlife
