Category: Life Coaching

  • Dishonesty is the thief of peace

    Dishonesty is the thief of peace

    We focus too much on how others treat us, and too little on how we treat ourselves.

    Honesty is one of those things that we find distasteful and repulsive when someone withholds it from us, but we overlook it when we do it to ourselves.

    When we’re dishonest with ourselves, we find ways to justify that dishonesty.

    That justification comes in the form of avoiding tough discussions, surrounding ourselves with people we find agreeable, and avoiding those who will challenge us when what we say doesn’t resonate with how we behave.

    That’s how we end up running away from the harsh truths that we prefer not to face, until eventually we become convinced that our running away is in fact our struggle to create a better life for ourselves.

    We convince ourselves that the circles that agree with us are in fact the ones who care, while most often they’re also running away from their own lives, looking for familiarity in their quest to find their ‘tribe’.

    We must choose our company wisely. But we must also choose it sincerely.

    Like a wound, avoiding the truth of who we are or what we’re responsible for, only creates fertile ground for such realities to become festering wounds that slowly rupture and destroy the very peace that we set out to achieve.

    That’s how the past that is not resolved, haunts the future that we’re desperately in need of.

    You owe yourself honesty and sincerity before anyone else owes it to you.

    It always starts with you.

  • Feeding that generational curse

    Feeding that generational curse

    Don’t contribute towards the generational curse that weighs you down by withholding who you are because of ingratitude from those who themselves are at war within themselves.

    We all have our internal battles that cause us to show up badly at times.

    When we lose sight of this, we focus on how others show up badly and then judge them, or we judge our value to them, as being inadequate.

    That’s when we expect the world to make up for how we feel about ourselves, despite having traded the best of us for the worst of others.

    But this transaction is an internal, quietly hidden one.

    It’s a transaction that creeps up slowly, almost gently, so as not to cause alarm as we shift from gratitude, towards ingratitude, and finally towards bitterness.

    When you feel like you’re facing roadblocks at every turn, it’s time to take stock of where you’re at, so that you can find your way back to the path towards the destination that you wanted for yourself before you were distracted by the demons of others.

    You don’t break generational curses by fighting it.

    You break it by rising above it, while creating space for your tribe to join you when they’ve had opportunity to experience the value of your journey.

    But, if you don’t pursue your journey with conviction and consistency, you deny yourself and others the opportunity to discover a more wholesome way to live.

    It always starts with you.

  • Don’t honour your fear

    Don’t honour your fear

    Fear is a tricky emotion.

    When we feel the fear rising within us, it’s the first time that we become aware of something that threatens our peace or our significance.

    But because it’s also the most prominent emotion that connects with us physically, it often feels more real than it is.

    That’s why we respond to the fear, or we set out trying to find the best ways to cope with it.

    But fear is just a signal to draw our focus to the real issue that requires our attention.

    Fear is driven by the assumptions that we make about whether our needs are going to be fulfilled, or not.

    Fear is what we experience when what we need from a situation or relationship is under threat.

    The reasons for it being under threat is often a combination of actual lessons learnt, versus assumptions based on past experiences.

    It’s those assumptions the we should focus on, not the fear itself.

    After careful consideration, should the assumptions prove true, we then have the opportunity to respond purposefully to the issues that we’ve identified, rather than holding on to the fear itself.

    Don’t honour your fear. Honour your ability to rise above it, the way you have so many times before in your life.

    Own Your Life.

  • The burden of self-loathing

    The burden of self-loathing

    Allow me to explain…

    “I trust more easily those who expose the struggles of their lives, rather than those who live a life of pretend.”

    Our need to pretend is evidence of self-loathing.

    “But not those who present their struggles to justify their shortcomings.”

    Too many preempt being judged harshly about what they know they’re lacking in their conduct, and present their struggles to offer an excuse for why they are unable to be better than who they are.

    This is further evidence of self-loathing.

    “Such struggles are filtered versions of the truth to present a facade to win favour or sympathy.”

    Be weary of those who wear their hearts on their sleeves. They will expect you to honour their struggles rather than to uplift them from that space.

    “If we lie about our life, how can we be trusted about anything else?”

    Those who present their lives to be something other than what it evidently is, are ashamed of who they are.

    Again, self-loathing is what drives their behaviour.

    When you engage with such people, or if you are doing some of this, the problem to be solved is not one of honesty or authenticity.

    The problem to be solved is one of acceptance and understanding to reconnect with the human that feels less than human.

    To reconnect with the human who lost sight of their value, rather than to correct their behaviour.

    And if you can’t connect despite your best efforts, then remain silent and walk away.

    Your harsh criticism or judgment, no matter how well-intentioned, will further beat down the one who is already beating themselves up.

    Be kind. Be understanding. Be human.

  • Do you remember you?

    Do you remember you?

    In the face of rejection, it becomes easier to claim who we are.

    But not always.

    Sometimes we claim a version of ourselves as a protest against those who judge us harshly.

    If we don’t realise that we’re doing it, we’ll convince ourselves that we need to be that way to save face or to maintain our credibility, or to get them to pay attention.

    But in the process, we grow further apart from who we really are because we wanted to test our significance with a significant other that treated us like we were insignificant.

    Eventually, we lose sight of the path to reclaim who we are, at which point we look to blame those who treated us badly for causing us to be bitter about life.

    All this can be avoided if we stop to consider the real reasons as to why others treat us badly, rather than assuming that they do so because we’re just not good enough.

    Most often, it’s because they feel like they’re not good enough.

    The same way that they project their insecurities on us, we do the same in return, all in the name of trying to confirm our significance by avoiding the appearance of weakness.

    The moment we blame others for how we connect with our life, we become part of that cycle of harsh judgement and rejection, because we’re denying the choices that we made by abdicating responsibility for the state in which we find ourselves.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • A burdensome labour of love

    A burdensome labour of love

    Responsibility, when met with gratitude, feels like a labour of love.

    Remove gratitude, and it becomes a burdensome load.

    But only if gratitude is expected.

    That’s when expectations weigh down on us more than responsibility, because of the internal wait for others to reciprocate, or to notice.

    It’s not unreasonable to hold that expectation.

    In fact, we should expect those around us to show gratitude or to share the load, so that the relationship is not reduced to one of a mere exchange of duties.

    However, we must remember that they have the same expectation in return.

    More than this, if we’re not aware of this expectation that we have, because it’s usually a subconscious one, we feel disappointment or a growing bitterness towards those who we feel are taking us for granted.

    And again, the same is true in return from their side.

    To overcome this, not only must we be aware of this expectation, we must also understand if the other person is aware of it, and if they’re capable of meeting it.

    That opens a whole new can of worms. But that’s part of the fun of relationships, isn’t it?

    Having silly moments of realisation when you discover that what you were fretting about was only real in your head because the support or gratitude you were looking for was there all along.

    It just wasn’t in the form or expression that you were expecting.

  • Betrayed expectations

    Betrayed expectations

    Without realising it, expectations create an underlying sense of entitlement regarding the outcomes that we want.

    That entitlement is what influences our attitude and demeanour in how we approach things or relationships.

    When we feel justified to have such expectations, we lose sight of the entitlement, which leads to the intensity of emotion that we experience when our expectations are not met.

    That intensity of emotion is the sense of betrayal that we feel because entitlement is based on an assumed trust between us and the person who we believe was supposed to show up for us.

    Problem is, most times, that expectation is in our heads and is unknown to the ones around us.

    Sometimes we communicate it, but most times we don’t.

    We need to trust the sincerity behind what significant others do for us, that’s why we are unlikely to tell them specifically what we need from them for two reasons.

    Firstly, once we ask for something, we don’t know if they’re doing it out of obligation, or sincerity.

    And secondly, we don’t want to appear needy or vulnerable, assuming that we’re even aware of the expectations that we have of them.

    Mindfulness is key to healthy relationships. And healthy relationships are ones in which we can trust each other with our expectations of what’s important to us, without feeling like an imposition on the other.

    How healthy are your relationships? And more importantly, how healthy is your relationship with yourself?

  • Reclaim you

    Reclaim you

    There is a belief that a hug fixes everything.

    It doesn’t.

    There are times when a hug loses its comfort or its safety because it comes from the very source that keeps causing that pain.

    Words spoken in anger always cut deeper than any hug can reach.

    In such cases, a hug is like an apology.

    It is a plea for forgiveness or an agreement to stop the hostility, but without substance in changed behaviour, it becomes hurtful in its own way.

    A hug from the one who is causing us pain, when they don’t recognise or acknowledge the pain that they’re causing, further intensifies the pain of being with them, or of being invisible to them.

    Without realising it, we become so focused on that pain that we lose sight of how we end up trading our self-worth for the hope of receiving their kindness.

    Sometimes, if we’re beyond needing their kindness, we trade our self-worth for the need for vengeance or retribution so that they can feel how they made us feel.

    Either way, when we focus on the pain, we lose ourselves to the experience, and become caught up in the cycle of pain that caused them to treat us badly in the first place.

    In that realisation lies the opportunity for healing, and for peace.

    Reconnect with your self-worth, fed your past will cease to define your future.

    It always starts with you.