Tag: selfworth

  • Stop judging. Be human.

    Stop judging. Be human.

    ⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING

    This meme showed up on my timeline earlier and highlighted everything that is wrong with the way in which we treat each other.

    There are a few terms that I generally disagree with (sometimes very strongly) if used to describe people.

    These terms include broken, damaged, toxic, and basically anything that reduces a human to a single repulsive notion.

    We lose our humanness when we see someone’s bad behaviour and assume that to be the totality of who they are.

    No one is toxic. We may have destructive behaviours, or dysfunctional perspectives and so on. But that doesn’t make us toxic.

    It makes us a human that is struggling to find our humanness in the absence of understanding or compassion from someone significant.

    What’s more ‘toxic’? A single person that is allowed to define the tone of an entire family, or a family that lacks any conviction in their own self-worth to be defined by a single person?

    Enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong, not only when it’s fashionable or easy, but especially when it’s difficult.

    If we give up our ability to create good with those around us, we lose our right to complain about them letting us down.

    If someone is angry or bitter, they’re feeling unappreciated.

    Reduce a person’s sincere efforts towards fulfilling their part in a relationship to nothing more than duty and minimum expectation, and you’ll very quickly inspire ‘toxic’ behaviour on their part.

    Drop the labels and start seeing the human behind the behaviour.

    There will come a time when you will need others to show you the same empathy and compassion.

    Just because you’re struggling to strike a balance between enabling bad behaviour versus understanding it doesn’t mean that the bad behaviour is toxic. It just means that you are not equipped or are not the right person to influence the positive change that you’d like to see in them.

    Stop judging. Be human.

  • Do you see you?

    Do you see you?

    Life conditions us to look at what we’re getting, rather than what is given.

    That means that we focus on what we’re giving, and not what others are receiving from us.

    That’s how we end up misinterpreting the signals that we get from them, while they also misinterpret the signals that they get from us.

    The result: A lot of avoidable misunderstandings that break down good relationships.

    The reason why everything is tainted or beautified by your self-worth is because that is the lens or the filter through which you view life.

    When we have an unhealthy self-worth, life seems dreary and morbid without any hope that what’s important to us will be important to anyone else.

    When our self-worth is healthy, we see opportunity to create value, and find reason to uplift others rather than wait to be uplifted.

    Self-worth is often over complicated.

    Simply put, it’s our belief in our ability to add value to the world and to the lives around us.

    When we doubt this, or become distracted when our efforts to add value were rejected by someone significant, we question our value first, before we consider that they may have been going through their own difficulty that caused them not to see or believe in what we were offering.

    That distraction is what leads to self-loathing.

    Self-loathing therefore sets in when we stop seeing ourselves for who we are, and start seeing ourselves the way we think others see us.

    Perhaps this is just another reason why the eyes are the windows to the soul.

    When last did you see you and not what you think society thinks of you?

  • Look back with understanding

    Look back with understanding

    When you don’t have a gentle hand to guide you, or an understanding structure to support you, life will be shaped through trial and error.

    In the same way that we can’t give what we don’t have, nor can others offer us what they don’t have – no matter how much we need it from them, or may have rights to get it from them.

    Realising this has been the saving grace of my sanity through a colourful life.

    So many of us set out in life knowing who we don’t want to be based on our experiences with those around us – especially our parents.

    But we fail to realise that it doesn’t prepare us, or give us anything to work with, in determining how to be who we want to be.

    It may sound cryptic, but it’s not.

    It’s easy to identify what we want to achieve in life, but if we don’t know how life works, we will keep tripping up on the subtleties that cause havoc in ways that we never anticipated.

    No one sets out to destroy their own life, even if they persist in blatantly destructive behaviour.

    They do so because they exhausted themselves living life wishfully instead of purposefully.

    Such a mindset results from anger about what you don’t have, leading to acting with haste or impatience in striving for what you want.

    The only antidote that I’ve discovered for this is to observe, with the intention of understanding, those who let you down or didn’t show up the way you needed them to.

    Our trial and error, like theirs, denies others the wisdom and support that they need to learn how life works.

    Self-pity or entitlement, and especially anger, will never change that reality, it will only repeat the cycles that may have caused us hardship.

    It always starts with you.

  • 10 Rules for life

    10 Rules for life

    If you don’t hold yourself accountable before you hold others accountable, you’re insincere about what you claim to uphold.

    If you focus on everyone else’s shortcomings that you think may justify your behaviour, you will be defined by everyone else’s shortcomings.

    Is that really the standard by which you want to live?

    It always starts with you.

    Here are the 10 Rules:


    1. If you want to be trusted, conduct yourself with integrity and consistency at all times, not only when things are easy.

    2. If you want to be respected, learn to respect others, not only when there’s something in it for you.

    3. If you want to be appreciated, show appreciation for what you have and what you receive instead of behaving as if you’re entitled to everything that you need or want.

    4. If you want to be treated like an adult, communicate like an adult instead of throwing tantrums or assuming that you’re right so there’s no need for you to convince anyone else about what you believe to be true.

    5. If you want to feel cared for, show due care and consideration for others, and not only for people from whom you need things or from those who stroke your ego.

    6. If you want the benefit of the doubt, work on your credibility instead of demanding to be treated as if you have credibility, especially if you did something that raised doubts about your credibility.

    7. If you want to be heard, listen with the intention of understanding, and not with the intention of responding to prove that you’re right while ignoring the facts presented to you.

    8. If you can’t handle the answer to a question, don’t ask the question because you’re looking to hear what you want to hear, rather than being interested in what others have to say.

    9. If you don’t want others to assume the worst of you, stop assuming the worst of others.

    10. If you want your rights to be respected, fulfil your responsibilities. All of it. Not only the ones that you think you need to or feel like fulfilling.


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    10 Rules for life
  • Be the village

    Be the village

    While it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to corrupt a child.

    Parenting is a monumental challenge in itself, but becomes infinitely more challenging when being done by a single parent.

    Add to the single parenting challenge by having an obstructive co-parent, and the challenge continues to grow ever more insurmountable.

    If that’s not enough, throw in the depraved value system of the global village that is available on every Internet connected device that your child has access to, and suddenly you realise exactly what you’re competing with in trying to raise a wholesome, healthy, and grounded human.

    But it’s not impossible to achieve, despite those impossible odds stacked against any dedicated parent/s.

    Firstly, you need to realise the impact of your role in their life, especially when the self-pity sets in from the extended struggle of trying to be the most prominent influence in their life.

    Secondly, you need to understand that wayward behaviour is their fears driving them towards wanting to be significant in their social circles. Focus on understanding those fears, rather than fixating on the bad behaviour.

    Thirdly, even if they currently reject the values that you’re trying to instill, you cannot compromise on those values or else you convince them that it’s optional. Standing firm gives them a point of reference for later in life when they will need those values more than ever.

    Lastly, parenting is not for those who need instant gratification, nor is it about the parent.

    It’s about demonstrating the value and benefit of living life the way that you want them to live theirs, and not compelling them through the fear of consequences to do the right thing.

    Fear is never a sustainable motivator to be a good person.

    But sometimes it’s a necessary tool to break a harmful cycle.

    Be very careful with how you use it.

  • Who do you want to be?

    Who do you want to be?

    Don’t get so lost in trying to find yourself that you lose the opportunity to reinvent yourself.

    If you’re struggling to discover who you are and what you should be doing with your life, perhaps it’s time to focus on who you want to be instead?

    You cannot be purposeful about life if you don’t have a vision.

    Your vision.

    Not what you think everyone else wants you to be, or what you think you need to be so that everyone can accept and appreciate you.

    Who do you want to be?

    Not only in the bigger scheme of things, or in your career, or the role that you play for your significant others.

    Who do you want to be in every moment of your life?

    When you’re faced with disrespect or ingratitude, do you focus on what the other person deserves from you, or do you focus on living by your values?

    The only time you need to pause and reconsider which values you’re upholding is if who you are enables others to cause harm either to themselves or to others.

    When you find that being generous inspires laziness in others, then practice moderation in your generosity.

    Or if you find that your understanding gives another no cause for restraint or accountability for their behaviour, then practice moderation in your understanding.

    Always be mindful of who you want to be and what you want to enable.

    Striking a balance between the two is the trial of life that brings peace or problems.

    But, if connected to a greater purpose that you wish to serve – your vision of who you want to be – it becomes easier to be composed in the face of bad behaviour from others so that you don’t lose yourself to their demons.

    Don’t be selfish, but don’t be a martyr either.

  • Divinely obnoxious?

    Divinely obnoxious?

    Godliness is like humility. It is lost when we actively pursue it.

    Living by the doctrine to which you subscribe is infinitely more important than preaching it.

    People learn from how you treat them, not from how you chastise them.

    Judging the faith of another reveals the cracks in your self-worth more than it offers any revelation about the faith of another.

    When our self-worth is low, our association with divinity, religion, or other groups will be used to compensate for what we believe we lack in ourselves so that we may get the respect that we need.

    When we assume ourselves to be above those that behave worse than us, or those that disagree with us, we grow arrogant in our thinking and our ways, which directly opposes our efforts towards godliness, or piety.

    When we speak on behalf of the Almighty, we assume to have knowledge of the unseen because we believe ourselves to be devout enough in our practices and superior in our morals to claim such authority.

    Such pride and arrogance causes a decay in the soul that results in harshness, ingratitude, and rigidity, making it increasingly difficult to receive advice from sincere advisors.

    All this conflict within us results from a low self-worth, because when your self-worth is low, your life will be focused on compensating for that, rather than living purposefully or sincerely.

    Peace lies on the other side of gratitude, and gratitude is impossible if you lack awareness and appreciation for who you are, and who you want to be.

    That, right there, is the building blocks of self-worth.

    It always starts with you.

    rewards

  • Gratitude is not an attitude

    Gratitude is not an attitude

    What would life be like if you maximised every resource and every opportunity to which you have access?

    What would the quality of your relationships be if you built on everything that works instead of focusing on what’s not working?

    How would you feel about yourself if you looked at all you’ve overcome instead of being bitter about having had to deal with it all?

    Life is not about an attitude of gratitude, or good habits, because gratitude is not an attitude and habits are formed out of desiring efficiency or convenience.

    Gratitude is an outcome.

    Gratitude is a result of being aware of everything that’s good and right about life, despite there being so many things that could be better, or should be better.

    Gratitude is about understanding what is within our ability to change or influence for the better, and holding ourselves accountable for taking action on that, rather than sitting back and complaining about it.

    Gratitude is not about transacting based on who deserves what. It’s about considering what we wish to enable or what we wish to challenge because of the values by which we strive to live.

    Gratitude, when applied to ourselves, is reflected in how we seek to understand why we are who we are, rather than judging ourselves with shame because of who we’re not.

    Gratitude is reflected in our ability to rise above the anger or bitterness of others, rather than to lose ourselves to it or get drawn into their bitterness because of how they treat us.

    Gratitude is practiced when we approach others with empathy and compassion because we see their struggle with their own demons, instead of judging their inadequacy because we don’t struggle with the same demons.

    Gratitude is not a choice.

    Gratitude is a result of remembering our journey of growth, and owning every step that we took on that journey, both good and bad, while being mindful of the steps that we’re still taking every single day as we work towards our aspirational goals without feeling entitled to having what we strive for.