Tag: selfworth

  • Raging for love

    Raging for love

    Nothing destroys more than ingratitude, and ingratitude for the self is expressed through self-loathing.

    But self-loathing is disguised in many ways, the most common of which is anger.

    Anger is a defence mechanism that distracts attention away from what we feel inadequate about.

    It demands that we be taken seriously when we have no reason to believe that who we are is worthy of being taken seriously.

    But more than this, anger is a profession that in that moment, we believe that we are not good enough for one whose validation we desperately need.

    Hence it being the most common confirmation of self-loathing when all our defence and coping mechanisms are claiming otherwise.

    It also happens when our internal conversation is focused on comparing ourselves to those we think are better than us, or those whose validation we need.

    And then we get married to feel complete, only to hold our partners accountable for how we feel about ourselves.

    And then we have children to fill that void that just doesn’t seem to fill up, and we become ever more threatened with fears of inadequacy when we don’t know how to be enough as parents.

    Thus, innocent lives get destroyed, all because we didn’t learn to be grateful for who we are, while trying to make up for it by raging at those who have nothing to do with how we feel about ourselves.

    It always starts with you.

  • Maybe tomorrow…

    Maybe tomorrow…

    Just like tomorrow is not guaranteed, neither is our next breath.

    Each moment taken for granted is a moment lost.

    Each loved one taken for granted is a heartache earned.

    Each abandoned resolution made after tasting loss or visiting death’s door is food for the seeds of hypocrisy and self-loathing within.

    The victim mindset turns supporters into enemies, and significant others into options, until what we once cherished is lost, and what we’re left with intensifies our yearning for the past, or for death.

    When the pain of the past overshadows our joy in the present, the future loses its lightness, and our souls succumb to the darkness.

    The shame of admitting failure prevents us from making right what we got wrong.

    All because we were distracted by the harsh criticisms echoed in our narrative in our mind.

    A narrative that convinces us that sincere advisors are criticising our efforts, and those who celebrate the shadow of what we’re capable of are in fact our friends.

    We find what we seek. Shame in the past, purpose in the present, or hope in the future.

    Sadly, most lose themselves to the past, while protecting themselves from embracing the promise that the footie holds, in the process discarding the ones who love them most.

    Who are you discarding because they believe in you more than you believe in yourself?

    Own Your Life.

  • Keep up, if you can

    Keep up, if you can

    Like they say, love is not two people looking at each other, it’s two people looking in the same direction.

    What happens when the one is looking ahead, while the other is looking behind?

    One common failing in relationships is that while one partner views growth as the amazing things that they can achieve together, the other sees it as a statement of their partner not being happy with what they have.

    One focuses on protecting what they have while the other focuses on improving it.

    One focuses on reaching their full potential, while the other is still waiting to feel validated for what they’ve achieved. And so it goes…

    And when these differences of perspective are not understood, it’s easy to assume that the conflict of priorities is a rejection of who we are or what’s important to us.

    There is no easy fix to this because at the root of it is the fact that the one who is invested in growth has a healthier self-worth than the one who is invested in staying where they are.

    Self-worth is based on how much gratitude we have for who we are.

    And gratitude is something that we cannot instil in another. We can point out all the reasons why someone should be grateful, but the choice to be grateful is always theirs to make.

    Self-pity or self-loathing, which is simply the opposite of self-worth, is what gets in the way of healthy emotional bonds in a relationship.

    Understanding and accepting your ability to influence your partner in this regard could be the difference between courting insanity and choosing peace.

    Choose carefully.

    Own Your Life

  • I see me in you

    I see me in you

    We judge others the way we judge ourselves.

    The less aware we are of our self-judgement, the more rigid we will be in insisting on the accuracy of our assumptions about others.

    The more compassionate and understanding we are in our efforts to improve ourselves, the more space we’ll allow for others to recover from the mistakes that they make towards us.

    Mindfulness and self-worth dss at the core of every experience of our life.

    Just because we’re lacking in mindfulness, or that our self-worth isn’t where it needs to be, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t impact our experiences.

    Our experiences and the quality of our life is directly proportional to these two things.

    The more mindful we are, the healthier our self-worth, few in turn, the better our quality of life even if things are not going our way.

    That’s why someone with little can have a huge heart, while someone with excess can be miserly.

    Awareness of where we’re at is important of we hope to see things for what they are, rather than what we assume them to be.

    Start with your own point of reference, but then look critically at the evidence to test if you’re assumptions are true or not.

    If you don’t, you’re only serving your insecurities, rather than seeking true understanding.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Internal struggle, outward joy

    Internal struggle, outward joy

    The martyr within, breathes life into the angel without.

    A rare few live their lives outwardly, as they feel inwardly about themselves.

    The need to hide our shame from the world is born from feeling ashamed of who we are, and not because of what others think of us.

    The opinions of others only matter in two ways.

    It hits a tender spot because it threatens to expose what we already judge harshly about ourselves.

    Or it offers us perspective in our efforts to be better than we were the day before.

    Most focus on the judgement because their relationship with themselves is so harsh.

    That’s why so much effort is put into presenting ourselves to the world in a way that will gain favour or distract attention away from how we feel about ourselves, because we carry too much shame within about who we are.

    Understanding where that harsh self-judgement comes from is the beginning of the journey towards reclaiming ourselves, and our joy in life.

    When last did you feel the way you looked when you showed up in the spaces of others?

    If you can’t recall, we need to talk.

    Own Your Life.

    It always starts with you.

  • The shame within

    The shame within

    Good advice sometimes feels like a threat because it prompts us to acknowledge a flaw that we feel ashamed of.

    It’s like putting in your best effort to create a piece of art, and then having someone come along and innocently suggest that you should’ve tried this or that to enhance it further.

    No matter how much merit there is in their suggestion, if you’re already feeling insecure about your artistic talents, you’ll find reason to justify taking offence, or to dismiss why you don’t think that will work with what you’re trying to achieve.

    That’s what happens when we assume that the motive behind good advice is to highlight our shortcomings, or to emphasise the superiority of our advisor. Or worse still, we assume that the other person deliberately wants to make us feel inadequate.

    All it is, is a sense of shame that we carry within us about who we are, or how we’re lacking in our efforts to earn the significance or validation of those we love.

    That threat to our significance is what feels like an attack that we respond to with anger, or passive aggression, because anger is a demand for significance.

    Being mindful about our opinion of ourselves is one of the hardest things to do.

    It means that we must be aware of whether we’re judging ourselves based on what we think others will approve of, or are we viewing ourselves with understanding based on who we aspire to be.

    The former is destructive.

    The latter is what creates the inspiration to continuously build and improve on who you are and what you wish to leave as your legacy.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Dishonesty, the destroyer

    Dishonesty, the destroyer

    The profundity of the verse from the Qur’an that says that if you are grateful, Allah will increase you, resonates strongly through every theme of life.

    It is through gratitude that good is created, harm is kept at bay, and we are connected to what feeds our soul.

    Therefore, what destroys good must be the opposite of gratitude.

    It’s easy to call it ingratitude, but not so easy to identify it as that.

    Ingratitude is not just the absence of gratitude, it’s the presence of everything that denies it.

    It is the desire for that which undermines the good that we have, or pursuing that which we haven’t earned.

    It is the betrayal of what we stand for, to feed the fear of losing something that was never real.

    It the compromise of the authenticity of who we are, so that we may be accepted by another, because we can’t bear the thought of being alone with only our self-respect to keep us company.

    Dishonesty is a denial of the self, long before it is a betrayal of trust.

    That’s why it breathes destruction wherever it shows up, because it first destroys the self which then destroys the world around us because we grow desperate for others to make us feel whole.

    All that because we were ungrateful for who we are.

    Dishonesty is the enemy of dignity, and without dignity, the world will be at war with your soul.

    “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you.” (Qur’an 14:7)

  • Dream a little dream…

    Dream a little dream…

    In a world of cynics, it’s easy to lose sight of the power that you have to turn your dreams into reality.

    Your efforts become more daunting when faced with an endless barrage of naysayers who only see your potential through their own fears.

    Sincere advisors are often driven by fear, and thus focus on protecting you from their fears of what failure may bring.

    So you slowly give up on your dream as a fantasy, while using its promise as fuel to cope with your reality.

    When you maintain clear boundaries between the two, you convince yourself that dreaming is an irresponsible indulgence of youth, while reality is for adulting.

    Without meaning to, you adopted the fears of those around you, and measured your success by how much you could exceed their expectations within the frame of fear that they painted for you.

    Beauty is lost, endearments become fickle expressions of lightness, and death becomes the morbid milestone by which you gauge how much capacity you will need to keep going.

    All this because you believed others when they disbelieved in you.

    Your dreams are yours to abandon, or yours to claim.

    But if you’re trying to claim a dream that is intricately woven around the presence of another, brace yourself for the anguish that accompanies a lifetime of trying to convince them that achieving your dream is possible, when the events of their life convinced them not to try.

    Dream with abandon, and live with courage.

    If you don’t, the regret will be yours to court, and dreaming will become a cynical taunt that feels like a nightmare.