Tag: selfawareness

  • The shame within

    The shame within

    Good advice sometimes feels like a threat because it prompts us to acknowledge a flaw that we feel ashamed of.

    It’s like putting in your best effort to create a piece of art, and then having someone come along and innocently suggest that you should’ve tried this or that to enhance it further.

    No matter how much merit there is in their suggestion, if you’re already feeling insecure about your artistic talents, you’ll find reason to justify taking offence, or to dismiss why you don’t think that will work with what you’re trying to achieve.

    That’s what happens when we assume that the motive behind good advice is to highlight our shortcomings, or to emphasise the superiority of our advisor. Or worse still, we assume that the other person deliberately wants to make us feel inadequate.

    All it is, is a sense of shame that we carry within us about who we are, or how we’re lacking in our efforts to earn the significance or validation of those we love.

    That threat to our significance is what feels like an attack that we respond to with anger, or passive aggression, because anger is a demand for significance.

    Being mindful about our opinion of ourselves is one of the hardest things to do.

    It means that we must be aware of whether we’re judging ourselves based on what we think others will approve of, or are we viewing ourselves with understanding based on who we aspire to be.

    The former is destructive.

    The latter is what creates the inspiration to continuously build and improve on who you are and what you wish to leave as your legacy.

    It always starts with you.

    Own Your Life.

  • Dishonesty, the destroyer

    Dishonesty, the destroyer

    The profundity of the verse from the Qur’an that says that if you are grateful, Allah will increase you, resonates strongly through every theme of life.

    It is through gratitude that good is created, harm is kept at bay, and we are connected to what feeds our soul.

    Therefore, what destroys good must be the opposite of gratitude.

    It’s easy to call it ingratitude, but not so easy to identify it as that.

    Ingratitude is not just the absence of gratitude, it’s the presence of everything that denies it.

    It is the desire for that which undermines the good that we have, or pursuing that which we haven’t earned.

    It is the betrayal of what we stand for, to feed the fear of losing something that was never real.

    It the compromise of the authenticity of who we are, so that we may be accepted by another, because we can’t bear the thought of being alone with only our self-respect to keep us company.

    Dishonesty is a denial of the self, long before it is a betrayal of trust.

    That’s why it breathes destruction wherever it shows up, because it first destroys the self which then destroys the world around us because we grow desperate for others to make us feel whole.

    All that because we were ungrateful for who we are.

    Dishonesty is the enemy of dignity, and without dignity, the world will be at war with your soul.

    “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you.” (Qur’an 14:7)

  • Dream a little dream…

    Dream a little dream…

    In a world of cynics, it’s easy to lose sight of the power that you have to turn your dreams into reality.

    Your efforts become more daunting when faced with an endless barrage of naysayers who only see your potential through their own fears.

    Sincere advisors are often driven by fear, and thus focus on protecting you from their fears of what failure may bring.

    So you slowly give up on your dream as a fantasy, while using its promise as fuel to cope with your reality.

    When you maintain clear boundaries between the two, you convince yourself that dreaming is an irresponsible indulgence of youth, while reality is for adulting.

    Without meaning to, you adopted the fears of those around you, and measured your success by how much you could exceed their expectations within the frame of fear that they painted for you.

    Beauty is lost, endearments become fickle expressions of lightness, and death becomes the morbid milestone by which you gauge how much capacity you will need to keep going.

    All this because you believed others when they disbelieved in you.

    Your dreams are yours to abandon, or yours to claim.

    But if you’re trying to claim a dream that is intricately woven around the presence of another, brace yourself for the anguish that accompanies a lifetime of trying to convince them that achieving your dream is possible, when the events of their life convinced them not to try.

    Dream with abandon, and live with courage.

    If you don’t, the regret will be yours to court, and dreaming will become a cynical taunt that feels like a nightmare.

  • Dream killers

    Dream killers

    Do you find yourself waiting in the shadows, wondering when will it be safe to emerge and take that risk on something that you’ve always dreamt of achieving?

    Are you waiting for the perfect moment to ensure that you get it just right?

    Or do you find yourself mentioning it to any person that shows an interest in what you’re passionate about, always lighting up with excitement when you talk about it, but also ensuring that you have a good argument as to why you can’t do it just yet?

    All the above is most often driven by self-doubt rather than the due diligence needed to ensure that you understand the dynamics to be successful at your passion project.

    Due diligence has its place. But only in good measure. Otherwise it ceases to be due diligence and results in analysis-paralysis.

    Analysis-paralysis is when we exhaust ourselves in research and understanding to the point of fatigue, so that we accumulate enough information about what may go wrong, while ignoring or downplaying the probabilities of what may go right.

    It’s driven by a need for perfection that is a defence mechanism to protect ourselves from appearing incompetent in front of others.

    The fear of failure destroys more hope than failure itself.

    That’s why it’s important to choose your confidante carefully when wanting a sounding board about a project or venture that you’re passionate about.

    Share it with naysayers, and they’ll convince you that your dreams are too big for your social standing.

    Share it with visionaries, and they’ll inspire you to overcome the odds while focusing purposefully on the path that you need to navigate to achieve your dreams.

    Wanting to run the race means nothing if you don’t get out of the starting blocks.

    Decide…do you want to leave a legacy of what-ifs and if-onlys, or do you want to leave a legacy that uplifts and inspires?

  • Settling for a hint of life

    Settling for a hint of life

    How we see ourselves is reflected in the choices that we make in life.

    Not what is obvious about those choices, but what we’re trying to achieve through those choices.

    Unfortunately, most are unaware of the second part. That underlying need that drives the choices that we make.

    When we lose sight of that need, we feel drawn by instinct or desperation to do things that just ‘feel’ right, and then convince ourselves that we must trust our instincts.

    But what if those instincts are driven by fear because we’re in survival mode after having had a bad childhood, or marriage?

    Will our choices be healthy, or unhealthy?

    If we’re not in tune with this side of who we are and how life has affected our sense of self, we’ll try desperately to create a good life for ourselves while losing ourselves in the process.

    Eventually, we end up believing that the world has no place for us, or that it’s a cruel and harsh place, leaving us hoping or waiting to be saved…or waiting for death. Whichever comes first.

    Reconnect with yourself in a way that is free of judgement, but full of understanding, and your choices will be informed by what you are passionate about, rather than what you desperately need from others to feel loved or accepted.

    It always starts with you.


  • Depression is not what you think it is

    Depression is not what you think it is

    ⚠ Trigger Warning ⚠


    Depression is not a mental illness. It is a legitimate human emotion in the face of overwhelming odds, or the absence of hope.

    It is a moment of pause when everything that we believed to be true about our world, appears to fail us.

    By labelling this important human emotion as an illness, we dehumanise the human who is struggling to find hope in the midst of turmoil, or pain.

    To break the cycle of depression, we must embrace the reasons for feeling depressed.

    Embracing those reasons is not about judging whether we’re right or wrong, or strong or weak, for feeling depressed.

    Embracing those reasons means to gain a fresh perspective on why we invested ourselves in people who appear to have taken our trust for granted.

    When we lose sight of this trust that we placed in others, we also forget that we’ve grown to see ourselves through what we think they think of us because of how they responded to our efforts towards them.

    In other words, we lost sight of who we are, because we assumed them to be someone they’re not.

    Again, it’s not about judging them or ourselves.

    Instead, it’s about understanding where our assumptions and beliefs were misinformed, so that we can connect with the real reasons why it didn’t work out the way we wanted, rather than assume that it’s because we were not enough.

    Depression is always about the absence of hope in achieving something that is important to us, without which every other success in life feels empty and pointless.

    It’s only through understanding how this plays out uniquely in our life, that we’ll be able to rise above the hopelessness that set in when we were distracted by the failure of not achieving our dreams.

    Pause. Breathe. And try again. Only this time, wiser, and more capable than before.

  • Who defines your worth?

    Who defines your worth?

    When our self-worth is low, we convince ourselves that we deserve pity and support for the state we’re in, because rising above it seems too daunting.

    But it’s unlikely that we’ll realise that it’s a low self-worth driving such behaviour.

    Instead, we’ll be convinced that the most important thing in the world is for the world to recognise just how difficult life is for us before we are willing to pick ourselves up and power through that last betrayal, or disappointment, or failed relationship.

    The kind of thoughts that occupy our minds when in such a state include thoughts of preemptively defending ourselves against negative judgements about our life, or our lack of motivation, or our fear of commitment.

    That’s how we start living inside our heads while believing that we’re just being realistic because we’ve learnt the harsh lessons after trusting one time too many, or being emotionally vulnerable to the wrong person.

    The low self-worth is therefore a result of us losing sight of the good that we tried to contribute, despite the bad that we received in return.

    It sets in when we convince ourselves that our best was not good enough, while ignoring the internal struggles that others were dealing with when we needed them to show up for us.

    Our self-worth only suffers when we lose sight of the value of who we are, because we got distracted by the low self-worth of those around us.

    When the need to protect yourself from the prying eyes of those who would judge you poorly triumphs over your need to aspire to achieve your dreams, you lose both, your self-esteem and your dreams.

    Gratitude for the self is established through gratitude for the self. Not through the gratitude that others have for who you are.

    It always starts with you.

  • Dehumanising struggling humans

    Dehumanising struggling humans

    Trigger warning ⚠

    As destructive as narcissistic behaviour is, it is not the entirety of any person’s being.

    Narcissism is a result of intense insecurity about the self.

    To compensate for this insecurity, the one who is insecure about their worth to others will always focus on hiding their shame, rather than admitting their vulnerability.

    That’s why they’re so quick to preemptively defend themselves or to direct blame at others when things go wrong.

    It’s simply a result of being exhausted from never having been enough, or significant enough to significant others in their lives.

    People often assume that narcissistic behaviour is selfish because people who tend towards such behaviour come from privileged backgrounds, or always got what they wanted.

    That’s part of the problem.

    Having privilege doesn’t mean that we feel heard as human beings. Or that we feel seen.

    Narcissistic behaviour is real, but it’s not something that cannot be changed, nor is it something that is consistent in every sphere of their life.

    The worst thing for narcissism is to be coupled with someone who is needy or also insecure themselves.

    If you’re insecure about who you are, your needs from someone who is struggling with narcissistic insecurities is like a threat to their feelings of inadequacy.

    That’s why an insecure individual will be more affected by narcissistic behaviour than one who is grounded in their self-worth.

    We must stop dehumanising humans by labeling them based on how we experience their behaviour.

    Instead, we must seek to understand, with compassion and empathy.

    But we can only do that if we have it within ourselves, for ourselves.

    You can’t give what you don’t have.