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  • Are you betraying yourself?

    Are you betraying yourself?

    Betrayal stings.

    It doesn’t always take the form of an explicit breach of trust.

    Most often, I believe, betrayal is felt when we put in the effort to make significant others aware of what is important to us, only to watch them repeatedly take it for granted, or treat it with disregard.

    Betrayal is what we feel when who we are is rendered insignificant in the face of what others need from us.

    It’s felt when we’re always expected to show up, but rarely have them show up for us.

    Betrayal, more than anything else, is felt when we realise that we’ve invested in others more than they ever had any intention of investing in us. If at all.

    And in that moment of betrayal, it’s easy to focus on the reality of how little we mean to them, or how unimportant our dreams and aspirations are to them.

    But that’s the distraction that keeps us weighed down by the betrayal.

    The sooner we look beyond that, the sooner we’ll realise when we lost ourselves to what we thought was a relationship worth investing in.

    Self-pity becomes an endearing companion at that point, as we lick our wounds and focus on everything that’s wrong with the world.

    Entertain that self-pity for long enough, and you’ll become defined by how others treat you, while losing sight of how much worse you’re treating yourself.

    Illness sets in when the self-pity progresses to self-loathing.

    The only thing that breaks that cycle is the realisation that you were capable of investing because you had something of value to invest. And they didn’t.

    Wishing that they were different, or that you were reason enough for them to be more than that is simply an indulgence in self-pity and an avoidance of reality.

    Gratitude dictates that you reconnect with the value of who you are despite the betrayals from those whom you trusted.

    That’s how we reconnect with the joy of life within ourselves, when those who live with ingratitude only take from us without sharing much in return.

    It always starts with you.

  • Every mind can be healed

    Every mind can be healed

    TRIGGER WARNING:

    If you prefer a victim mindset, don’t read further.

    This is an extremely important reminder given the horribly unhealthy mindset that this meme encourages.

    There is no such thing as a broken mind.

    There is a struggling human, and there is good reason to feel duress, even debilitating duress.

    Understanding the reasons for feeling that way empowers you to process it in a healthy and meaningful way, and to rise above it.

    The moment you convince yourself that an emotional experience cannot be overcome, you will prove yourself right.

    Not because it cannot be overcome, but because you are looking for all the evidence that confirms why it cannot be overcome, instead of looking for evidence that provides insight towards overcoming it.

    Perspective is especially critical when it comes to mental health and processing emotional trauma.

    No human is broken.

    And every mind can be healed.

    When we convince ourselves that we’re broken or that we can’t be healed, we create a self-fulfilling prophecy, because what we set out to achieve is what we’ll achieve.

    Besides, it’s not the physical pain of physical abuse that sticks with us, it’s the mental and emotional anguish that it leaves that haunts us.

    Memes like this are well meaning, but they cause more harm to our mental health than they offer benefit or relief.

    Be careful what you take from the Internet.

    Good intentions have destroyed many lives.

    If you want to learn how to heal yourself, get a copy of Own Your Life and discover the power of understanding your emotions, rather than judging it.

    Choose your advisors carefully, and please, for the love of everything sacred, do NOT believe every meme that resonates with your emotional space.

    It will destroy you.

  • Who defines your behaviour?

    Who defines your behaviour?

    Understanding can only result from sincere interest in what someone is going through.

    When we try to advise without first seeking to understand, we’re judging, rather than supporting.

    We’re dictating, rather than uplifting.

    Doing for others what you would have done unto you is never more true than in that moment when you find someone behaving badly.

    While the urgency of the matter might dictate that you restrain their bad behaviour as a priority, it should never stop there.

    Once you’ve prevented them from causing harm, you need to help them to understand why their rage, or their insecurity is overwhelming their better judgement.

    No one wakes up in the morning wanting to be miserable, or abusive, or toxic.

    Those behaviours are a result of their internal war for significance in their lives.

    In many ways, the bad behaviour is a defence mechanism to protect themselves from appearing vulnerable.

    Under such circumstances, the moment we challenge the behaviour, we validate their need to defend themselves.

    That’s why it’s important to understand what’s driving the behaviour so that we don’t escalate the cycle but instead, we resolve the underlying cause, which in turn, will render the behaviour redundant.

    But first, we need to care about the war that is raging within them, without feeling as if we’re doing them a favour.

    It must be because of who we are, not because of what they deserve.

    Sadly, most of us are defined by how others treat us, that’s why we have a clash of behaviours when understanding and empathy is needed.

    Your triggers are yours to own.

    Until you own them, you will go through life being provoked by every person that doesn’t treat you in the way that you want them to.

    And that’s how you become part of the problem of others behaving badly.

    It always starts with you.

  • Your misery is your downfall

    Your misery is your downfall

    We rarely share with the world the conversation that we have with ourselves in our head.

    Our internal conversations are only shared when we’ve exhausted all avenues in trying to understand why someone important to us could have had reason to treat us so badly.

    The harsh tones and unwarranted criticism that we try to convince ourselves is true about who we are or what we’re worth is how we project on ourselves what we think a significant other thinks of us.

    In other words, we put ourselves in their place and then assume why we would treat someone that way if we were them.

    What we forget is that we’re not them, and they’re not us.

    And the same way that our insecurities about ourselves are closely guarded secrets, the same is true for everyone else no matter how amazing we think they are.

    Self-loathing is born when we assume that how others show up for us is a reflection of how they feel about us, when the reality is that they treated us the way that they did because of who they are and what they were grappling with in their own minds.

    The moment we lose ourselves to self-loathing, we focus on demands for our rights to be fulfilled despite not fulfilling the rights of others.

    We focus on playing on the sympathies of others so that they don’t think less of us when we fall short in showing up for them.

    The war within results in the harsh treatment, or even abuse, of those around us.

    While we’re feeling justified in our rage or complacency because of the self-loathing that has taken over our perspective of who we are and what we’re worthy of, we treat others the way we were once treated, with insensitivity and inconsideration.

    That’s how we pay forward the misery that we received, while complaining about the miserable state of life.

    We always want to believe that we’re justified in feeling miserable about life while failing to see that we’re taking for granted the very life that can lift us out of our misery.

    Ingratitude for who we are is the root of our self-destruction.

    It always starts with you.

  • Who cares?

    Who cares?

    How often do you indulge in self-care because you truly value yourself, versus doing it because you have no reason to believe that anyone else cares enough to do it for you?

    Just because we believe we’re worth it, doesn’t mean that we treat ourselves kindly out of gratitude for who we are.

    Self-care that is driven by true gratitude for the self will result in emotional tranquility despite the trying circumstances of our lives, or the lacking substance in our relationships with others.

    It will result in moments of pause that happen spontaneously because we connect with the value of that moment, rather than because we have to pace ourselves in the hope of remaining functional in our duties towards others.

    Self-pity subtly transforms into self-loathing when it grows to define how we see our place in this world relative to what we need or want from others.

    When our internal conversation shifts towards convincing ourselves that who we are is why we’re not getting what we need, or why we’re not being treated the way we’d like to be treated, that’s when our thinking is driven by the belief that we’re not enough.

    True gratitude for the self is not driven by how others react to you.

    Their reaction is only ever an indication of two things.

    Firstly, the effectiveness of your efforts to communicate what is important to you relative to where they’re at.

    Secondly, a reflection of their ability to receive what you’re offering because of where they’re at.

    Figuring out the difference between the two demands mindfulness and the absence of self-loathing.

    Judging yourself based on your ability to get through to others is nothing more than a distraction from what you should be improving in your efforts to be more effective at achieving what you believe is important,

    Judgement is always only ever the first step in growth.

    It is driven by self-loathing when it becomes the final step.

    What truly drives your reasons for self-care?

  • Pitying yourself because of your self-pity

    Pitying yourself because of your self-pity

    When we realise the impact that our self-pity has on those around us, we’ll discover that we’re part of the cycle that leads to us feeling sorry for ourselves.

    Focusing on what we don’t have distracts us from all the opportunities that are possible with what we do have.

    Similarly, focusing on who we are not, distracts us from all the amazing things that we are capable of because of who we are.

    The root of this problem of self-pity lies in two things.

    We compare ourselves to others.

    And then we assume to know what they think of us because of how they treat us.

    Any comparison we make must be focused on learning and growing by observing in others what is possible within ourselves.

    It must be a source of inspiration to constantly improve, not because we’re deficient, but because we’re capable of more.

    Any focus on what others may think of us must be driven by our need to measure our effectiveness in our efforts to impact their lives in the way that we intended to.

    And any consideration of what is implied by how they treat us must include our understanding, or at least our effort towards understanding, what they may be grappling with in their own life that causes them to behave badly towards us.

    Ingratitude is formed within us when we diminish the value of what we have because we’re fixated on everything that we don’t have.

    You can’t build a life with what you don’t have.

    You can only create something with what you do have.

    Start there.

    Or else you won’t start at all.

    It always starts with you.

  • When gratitude becomes a transaction

    When gratitude becomes a transaction

    When we lack gratitude for who we are but wish to feel grateful, we surround ourselves with things and people who don’t expect more from us than we expect from ourselves.

    To do this, we must push away those who believe that we’re capable of more.

    Focusing on proving your gratitude, to yourself and to others, is ingratitude.

    Gratitude is like humility, or happiness.

    Gratitude is not a choice, nor is it an attitude.

    Gratitude is a state of being.

    It’s a deeply profound connection that we have between who we are and what we desire to improve in the world around us.

    The distraction comes in when we focus on improving that world around us because we want to be appreciated, or because we want to appear generous, or benevolent in some way.

    However, these choices are rarely, if ever, conscious choices that we make.

    The ones who are consciously putting up a front will reveal clear signs of self-loathing in their physical state.

    That’s why the ones who are trading acts of gratitude to compensate for their lack of self-worth will put in that much more effort in how they show up physically, while fading away the moment someone looks deeper than their facade.

    Self-loathing is ever more destructive when we blame others for how we feel about ourselves, because most often, we lash out dry, or discard, the ones who built us up in the first place.

    Self-loathing destroys more than just your peace.

    It also destroys the peace of those who care enough to want you to be in a better space.

    It always starts with you.

  • Are you really passionate?

    Are you really passionate?

    They say that there is no limit to what a man can do if he doesn’t care who gets the credit for it.

    Right there is the reason why most of us don’t achieve our dreams.

    We chase validation more than we pursue excellence.

    When we don’t get that validation, we give up our dreams and rage at the world instead.

    Waiting for others to validate your efforts, or to buy into your dream before you pursue it yourself means that you aren’t truly convinced about the value of it in the first place.

    However, when we get to that point, we try to convince ourselves that we could’ve been great if only…

    The reality is…our main reason for wanting to achieve it was what we hoped it would draw in appreciation or praise from others, and not because we truly wanted to create something of value to us.

    Needing validation is a human trait.

    We need to feel appreciated, or understood, or celebrated even.

    However, none of that comes from chasing for it.

    It comes from people connecting with the value of who we are and what we create in the world around us.

    When we give up on our dreams because of the absence of support from others while we’re trying to achieve it, we deny them an opportunity to experience the value of what we believed in.

    Worse than this, we deny ourselves the opportunity to experience the joy of creating something of value because we found it valuable, and not because we needed to be noticed.

    Life feels empty, despite our successes, when we rely on the reactions from others to encourage us to pursue what’s important to us.

    Are you really passionate about your dream, or are you hoping it will attract people into your life?

    If you’re not investing in you, why should anyone else?


    Own Your Life.