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  • How much are you worth?

    How much are you worth?

    When your behaviour is driven by how others treat you, the good times become dull, and the bad times become dreary.

    It might seem endearing to focus on how others treat you so that you can return the favour if they’re being sweet or kind, but that means that you are not being true to yourself in that moment.

    Your response to someone should be based on how you feel about what is going on in that moment with them, and not a pacified version of you to avoid conflict or to not let them feel bad.

    The reason this is important is because if you hold back for long enough, you slowly build up resentment about not being able to be yourself, while the other person has no idea that you’re holding back all the time.

    That results in two entirely avoidable issues.

    Firstly, they have very good reason to doubt your sincerity when they discover that you’ve been less than sincere all this time.

    Secondly, neither will you nor they know the real you behind that show of pleasantries.

    That’s just one more way to suck the joy out of life while waiting to find happiness.

    Being true to yourself must be your first priority in any relationship. That’s what adds to the substance of it all.

    But being true to yourself doesn’t mean being inconsiderate or abrasive, or being self-centred or offensive.

    It means speaking your truth and expressing yourself with passion and sincerity without diminishing the other person in the process.

    It’s about giving them an opportunity to experience the real you, the way that you want to be experienced, and not the way that you think they deserve to experience you.

    It always starts with you.

  • Life is nothing without gratitude

    Life is nothing without gratitude

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    Life is nothing without gratitude

    Gratitude is only possible if you’re present in the moment you’re in.

    Fear distracts us from the present moment by reminding us of the past and tainting our experience of the present.

    It’s when we look for evidence in the present moment of the causes of pain from our past, that we find reason to protect ourselves from the future, while missing the value of the present.

    Many of life’s beautiful moments are lost because we’re waiting for someone to recognise our struggle, or to make up for our pain.

    It’s not about whether you deserve better or not.

    It’s about whether you do better with what you’ve got.

    Putting your life on hold while waiting for justice or revenge only puts YOUR life on hold. No one else’s.

    When you finally realise this, you either have reason to rage even more because you suddenly noticed how everyone else’s lives moved on while you still haven’t received justice, or you have reason to realise that it’s your life that is being wasted for a moment that has already passed.

    By all means, seek justice if need be.

    However, don’t cause further injustice to yourself and to those who have rights over you by destroying the good you have while waiting for the bad to be avenged.

    Gratitude is impossible when we’re fixated on the past.

    And happiness is impossible if we’re afraid of the future.

    It always starts with you. Now.

    Own Your Life.

  • Ungratefully appreciative

    Ungratefully appreciative

    Words that carry good intention but lack conviction, often causes more harm than good.

    Like expressing appreciation for the blessings that we have, but treating those blessings with disregard because we lack true gratitude for it.

    The expression of appreciation towards something is the equivalent of a good intention, and nothing more.

    Gratitude runs much deeper than appreciation.

    Appreciation is merely acknowledgement of what good we recognise we have in our life or the good in someone who contributes towards it.

    Sometimes, it is acknowledgment of a convenience or even an essential item that we have, like a car, or a house, or good health.

    However, gratitude is what you do with what you appreciate, or how you treat those whom you claim to appreciate.

    Gratitude is lost when we always intend to do great things but get distracted by the petty things resulting in a lack of follow through.

    That lack of follow through betrays the trust that we place in ourselves to achieve our goals, and it betrays the trust that others place in us when we express good intentions towards them but don’t follow through.

    Therefore, the absence of gratitude when we express appreciation feels like insincerity and dishonesty, despite the good that we may sincerely intend at the time of expressing appreciation for what or who we have in our lives.

    Remember, it’s what you do with what you have, and how you treat those you claim to appreciate, that determines whether you are truly grateful for them, or if you take them for granted while acknowledging what good you get from it, or them.

    It always starts with you.

  • Avoiding life is waiting for death

    Avoiding life is waiting for death

    Sometimes, avoiding drama seems like the only possibility of experiencing peace.

    But, that’s like saying that as long as we’re not sad, we must be happy.

    We know that’s not true.

    The absence of unpleasant events in our life may give us reason to be grateful for not having them, but it doesn’t mean that we’ll feel fulfilled or content with the life that we have.

    That lack of contentment is what leaves us feeling uneasy or restless, knowing that we should be grateful that it could be worse, but also knowing that there must be more to life than just the avoidance of drama, or the fulfilment of responsibility.

    We weren’t created to maintain a status quo.

    Since birth, we were driven towards progress and improvement, and stagnation felt like a threat to the joy of life.

    Because it is.

    Stagnation kills our spirit and convinces us that there is nothing much to look forward to.

    If every day seems like a repeat of the day before, what then becomes the purpose or reason to want to rise to a new day?

    Avoiding unpleasant outcomes is only enough to avoid unnecessary trouble, but it doesn’t mean growth or fulfilment.

    If you want to experience the sweetness of life, you need to go beyond avoiding things, and instead, start embracing new experiences, new ideas, and new concepts.

    You must be improving the quality of life of those around you, and not just your own.

    Fulfilment and joy is experienced from seeing the face of another light up because of your contribution towards their life, it’s not through seeing an extra digit on your bank balance.

    That bank balance means nothing if it doesn’t bring joy or upliftment to those around you.

    And not having someone to share your joy with is like witnessing a beautiful sunset, by yourself, each day, every day, until witnessing the sunset by yourself feels inconsequential.

    That’s what the absence of drama is like.

    It feels empty and pointless, because there is no point to a life of stagnation.

    Own Your life.

  • Celebrate the victim, destroy the human

    Celebrate the victim, destroy the human

    What we take from a traumatic event is infinitely more important than the event itself.

    It’s how we feel about what we experienced that weighs down on us more than the experience itself.

    The more it shakes our confidence, the greater our need for reassurance and support.

    While it’s entirely understandable to be overwhelmed in the aftermath of a terrible experience, it’s entirely avoidable to become defined by that experience.

    That’s when we need to be careful about celebrating or revering the experience of the victim to the point of not building them up to rise above it.

    Rising above the horrors of life doesn’t mean carrying a badge of honour to let the world know what you survived.

    That’s honouring the victim.

    Rising above it means seeing the experience for what it was, recognising what you didn’t know or couldn’t have controlled, and most importantly, remedying your trust that was broken in that moment of upheaval.

    Because that is what is lost when we experience a traumatic event.

    Our trust with the world is broken, leaving us gripped with fear because of the uncertainty of everything that we once embraced as our safe space.

    When we celebrate the victim, we redirect their trust to be placed in their support structures and safe spaces, rather than rebuilding their trust in themselves so that they don’t carry that experience as a dark shadow for the rest of their lives.

    This is not victim blaming. It’s destroying the impact of the aggressor beyond the moment of aggression.

    Own Your Life.



  • Conviction or distraction?

    Conviction or distraction?

    From The Egosystem, a reminder that when you are pursuing something new, don’t expect the people around you to understand or to buy into why you are passionate about it.

    Most of us are surrounded by people who live safely. Who fit in as best as they can.

    When you threaten to disrupt that safe space by going against the grain, you’ll get reactions that are more about their insecurity than it is about how they feel about you.

    One of our biggest mistakes is that we don’t pay attention to what we represent to others, because we’re so focused on what we think they think of us.

    Most people are too distracted to have an informed opinion of who you are, but their defences make them vocal about what they think you should do.

    That’s why mindfulness and self-awareness are critical if you hope to break the hold that your environment or your past has on you.

    If you don’t believe, with conviction, in the value of what you want to achieve, you’ll be distracted by every naysayer that crosses your path.

    Some of them will be really sincere in their concern for you and your quality of life, but their concern does not mean that they’re right. It just means that they care.

    Striking a balance between appreciating their concern, maintaining a healthy tone to that relationship, and still pursuing your dreams with vigour is probably the greatest challenge in pursuing something new.

    Focus on the value that you want to create, and trust that when they’ve had an opportunity to experience that value, those who matter will be by your side, and those who don’t will reveal themselves for the distractions that they are in your life

    Own Your Life.

  • Selective inheritance

    Selective inheritance

    Our relationship with our parents, whether they were present or absent, wholesome or abusive, will have a distinct impact on how we shape our character through life.

    Not only will we develop our sense of self based on how we felt in their presence, but they are also our main point of reference in how to raise children, or show up as a partner to our spouse.

    Whether you actively adopt or actively reject what you experienced with them, that becomes the grounding point that informs your decisions about what is or isn’t acceptable in your future relationships, and specially in your parenting style.

    Judgement has nothing to do with it because knowing right from wrong or good from bad is easy.

    There is no shortage of material and advisors to point out what or who is right or wrong.

    Unfortunately, there’s a critical shortage of advisors to help us to understand why, despite knowing what’s right, so many of us struggle to do what’s right. Including our parents.

    Connecting with the human behind the role, both in your parents and in yourself or your partner, reignites the empathy and compassion that judgement kills within us.

    It is judgement that makes us harsh and rigid towards each other, while understanding breeds appreciation and compassion, if not affection.

    Join me with panelists Hana Haths and Dineo Nomayeza Sibuyi on Saturday, 29 October 2022 at 2pm for an in depth discussion about this and other topics related to the gender wars that prevail in the SA Muslim community.

    Tickets available at zaidismail.com at a nominal charge of R100 for in-person attendance and R60 for Zoom participation if you’re not in the Johannesburg area.

    Refreshments will be provided.

    Limited seating available so book now before the last minute rush.

  • Recycling generational trauma

    Recycling generational trauma

    One of the biggest mistakes in trying to break the generational trauma cycle is that we focus on NOT wanting to be like our parents.

    All that allows us to do is figure out what we don’t want for ourselves and our children.

    While that might seem like enough, it also means that we will only become aware of our own unhealthy traits that we’re passing onto our children through trial and error.

    Remember that knowing what you don’t want doesn’t mean that you know what is good or healthy. It means that you only know what of the unhealthy stuff you don’t want, but it doesn’t mean that you know what other unhealthy stuff awaits you.

    Trial and error is a very painful and exhausting way to figure out how to build healthy relationships with our children, or with our parents, and by extension, with our partners.

    By focusing on what we don’t want in life, we go through life in defence mode because we’re constantly protecting ourselves from the threats that may lead to a repeat of our experiences in our childhood or past relationships.

    Thus, we risk replacing one cycle of generational trauma with another.

    Seeking to understand why our parents may not have been capable of more than what we got from them is key to breaking the cycle.

    But, we don’t know what we don’t know. That’s why fresh perspectives are needed in our efforts to unravel these difficult experiences of life.

    This will be one of the key discussion points at the next event on Gender Wars on 29 October 2022.

    If you haven’t booked your ticket yet, do so now at zaidismail.com.

    Zoom tickets also available.