Blog

  • Where lies peace?

    Moments of pause used to offer a breather, but of late, it has smothered the breath within. A calm mind is sometimes drawn towards contemplating the deeper anguish of life after the busyness of it all comfortably protected me from focusing on the urgency of the demands of the day. Urgency became my standard pace, and exhaustion my normal moments of simple rest.

    I rarely write about the madness these days. The baseline of normality has shifted from euphoric highs and overwhelming lows to subtle ebbs and tranquil flows. Taking it in my stride, going with the flow, being mindful about the present moment. It all offers peace from distractedness, but it has also dulled the spirit that once looked forward to the future. That spirit has grown to be a companion lost to the winds of turmoil that has caressed my life since little.

    Material comfort, when distilled to its primal need, serves as nothing more than the ability to distance myself from the threat of homelessness or abject poverty. The comfort slowly becomes the objective, and the purpose is lost, until unexpected moments of tribulation that accompany a quiet streak of no revenue reminds me once more that I am only a few bills away from living hard.

    The frequency with which that cycle has recurred has done nothing to convince me of the probability of rising above it each time it occurs. Life has lost its sweetness. Optimism has been replaced by duty. Accomplishment feels like a dodged bullet. Fulfilment is what I take from that which resonates with my aspirations, and everything feels mechanical.

    Where to from here? Where to from the point of having your own space in relative peace, but are drawn into the strife and toil of the lives of those who have rights over you? Their fixation on loss or failure becomes your burden for support and service to compensate for what they do not contribute because of their sincerely distorted perspective of what is worthy of investing preciously limited energy. More than this, their distasteful view of who deserves such investment.

    The selfish soul is a bitter one convinced of its magnanimous nature. It is one who dismisses all good because of one evil. It is one who blames their heritage for their inaction, and their inaction is their cry for sympathy. The selfish soul destroys those who support them in times of need, and discards them in times of abundance. Fixated on their struggle with themselves, they’ve convinced themselves that they’re struggling against a cruel world instead.

    Believing in the promise of beauty fans the rage of the ugly that denies that beauty. My conviction in that beauty scalds me mercilessly as I challenge the rage that is the mask of the bitter looking to protect themselves from a betrayal that has long since passed. It turns me into the token of fear that threatens to reveal their vulnerability as I persist in encouraging them to see in them what I always saw. But that assumes that they see me. They don’t.

    When there is nothing to live for and nothing to die for, peace becomes a lie, and hope a tormentor.

  • The meandering twists of fate

    The meandering twists of fate

    Betrayal is not always a result of harsh words, lies, or cruel action.

    We’re often so focused on what we’re not getting from others, that we don’t pause to consider what they may not be getting from us either.

    The deepest cuts are those that are inflicted when we trust someone to be there, but they walk away instead.

    It’s when our rock in this world goes silent when we desperately need to hear their comforting voice.

    The searing edge of the blade of betrayal is when we repeatedly make excuses for others failing us, but we’re discarded the moment we have a moment of weakness.

    When there is inaction from those towards whom we look expectantly while recalling the times that they drew on our energy in moments when we barely had enough to sustain our own spirit, we find ourselves holding on, desperately clawing with both hands, to the remnants of the shards of our broken spirit, knowing that only we will be there for us, with the only solace needed being our trust in the One who created us.

    People fail us for the same reasons that we may fail others.

    It doesn’t make it right.

    It doesn’t make it wrong.

    It makes us all flawed humans who sometimes succumb to the demons of the past, while oblivious to the demons we just spawned in another because we were distracted.

    Striking a balance between recognising their humanness, while allowing ourselves to be human, while protecting ourselves from the impact of their demons, while grappling with our own demons is what defines the struggle of life, and the devastating risk of love.

    But we do it anyway, because without it, what would be the point of life?

    reflection

  • The demon child of ingratitude

    The demon child of ingratitude

    Disrespect only ever becomes an option when we disrespect ourselves.

    We don’t always disrespect ourselves because life is fluid, demanding different things from us at different times.

    In those moments when we are expected to be more than we believe we’re capable of, or when we are corrected for something that we do because we want it without consideration for its consequences on others or ourselves, or when we demand privileges without fulfilling our responsibilities – it is then that we lose our composure and respond in ways that undermine others.

    Disrespect is a form of anger and is a tool to achieve something without earning it.

    Others may experience it as arrogance or narcissistic behaviour, but at the core of it, it’s an insecurity spawned by ingratitude.

    Ingratitude sets in when we focus on everything that we want while diminishing the value of everything that we have.

    It’s at the heart of a vicious cycle that begins with the anger or hurt that we feel about an unfortunate or unpleasant life event, which stirs a rage within us that drives us to want to claim our dues from the world rather than earn it.

    Ingratitude fixates our gaze on risks and threats to our significance, rather than allowing us to focus on the opportunities that present themselves for us to achieve so much more than what we desire.

    Anger is the distraction that justifies disrespect, and disrespect is our perceived tool for justice that distracts us from our ingratitude.

    Few are willing to admit to being ungrateful.

    The rest are too busy justifying their bad behaviour because of how they were treated badly by others, while growing oblivious to how they become just like, if not worse, than those who treated them badly.

    Thus, the vicious cycle of harshness and ingratitude is maintained.

    It always starts with you.

    Do you respect yourself enough to be grateful for who you are and the life that you have?





  • Embrace your demons

    Embrace your demons

    Relationships fail when the demons of both don’t play nicely with each other.

    But demons are not so easy to recognise.

    What feels like a right or a legitimate expectation is often underpinned by a demon from the past when those rights were denied, or those expectations dismissed.

    Our innate need to be of significance to those we deem significant stir the demons within when that significance comes under threat.

    It gets ever more complicated when the demon is associated with what comes next, and not what is.

    Consider this.

    Those who play it safe in life are protecting themselves from failure or inadequacy.

    What they’re focused on may appear to be their absolute priority, and may even feel like it is their priority to them, without realising that what they’re focused on is to protect them from what it may lead to next.

    That’s how success becomes a threat, or emotional availability feels like intense vulnerability.

    The fear of abandonment means that we must protect ourselves from growing attached, or the fear of rejection means that we must preemptively reject before we’re rejected.

    Thus, self-sabotage leads to self-fulfilling prophecies that convince our demons that we were right to protect ourselves from a threat that no one else understands.

    That’s how our demons from the past ruin the promise of a beautiful future.

    If you don’t own your demons, your demons own you.

    It always starts with you.

  • Surviving sucks

    Surviving sucks

    I see too many people take pride in being a survivor, which in itself is not the biggest problem.

    The problem arises when that act of survival defines you for the rest of your life.

    When a traumatic event, or an abusive relationship, defines you beyond the immediate impact of experiencing it, you keep it relevant long after its occurrence.

    We surrender our lives to the efforts of survival when we lose sight of our ability to change our circumstances as we wait for change to arrive.

    What’s worse is that we don’t realise that those who are not showing up for us are likely in survival mode themselves.

    That’s how we do to others what has been done to us without realising that we’re part of that cycle.

    While we’re ‘surviving’ or waiting, those who have rights over us to show up for them as fully formed humans are denied the experience of feeling significant because we treat them as duty.

    But, more important than this, it’s not their ignored rights that is the greatest oppression.

    Taking for granted our ability to create ease and joy despite our backdrop of struggles is the worst oppression against ourselves.

    That’s the greatest loss of all.

    Nothing compares to the loss of opportunity to contribute towards the sweetness of life for yourself and for others.

    Not even death compares, because in death there is no life waiting to be lived.

    In death there is no need to create joy or to experience the wonderment of life.

    Yet so many yearn for death because of a tormenting moment from the past, while discarding their ability to create joy because of the horrors caused by troubled souls.

    That’s how we become equally troubled and repeat their mistakes in our own unique way while lamenting the burden of existence, forgetting that we gave up on life itself.

    Regret and sorrow has its place only as long as it spurs us into action, otherwise it ceases to be about what happened to us and becomes an indulgence of self-pity because we need our struggle to be appreciated.

  • Well intended bad methods

    Well intended bad methods

    Good intentions coupled with a bad method will result in bad outcomes.

    When that happens, fixating on our good intentions won’t make any difference to the consequences of our actions.

    The merit of what we do is always more important than the intention with which we do it.

    The moment we flip that around, we cause harm while abdicating responsibility for the impact of our uninformed decisions on those who had nothing to do with our choices.

    Sincerity and conviction come from wanting to achieve what we intended to achieve, rather than making excuses for why it wasn’t our fault when we fall short of our goal.

    That’s when self-pity overrides our accountability and we convince ourselves that it was not in our destiny to have achieved that goal.

    When we use destiny to explain our shortcomings, but accept praise for our successes, we lack conviction in who we are and what we stand for.

    Conviction comes from sincerity of belief in the value system that we claim to uphold.

    The moment that value system is open to compromise, we lose our bearings in life and become victims of the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

    Conviction is impossible without self-worth.

    And self-worth is impossible when we lack accountability while living our lives for an audience.

    It always starts with you.

    Goals would be pointless if they could always be achieved on our first attempt.

  • Raising adults

    Raising adults

    Just like we don’t blame the fruit for the tree from which it came, we can’t blame our children for their character before they reach an age of self-awareness and critical thinking.

    If we find the fruit of a tree to be lacking in sweetness, we pay attention to the tree and what it needs to produce better fruit.

    We don’t try to sweeten the fruit itself.

    We first need to consider why it is that our intended outcomes for our children in character and values are not what we wish for them, before we focus on disciplining them towards compliance.

    When we feel compelled to resort to harsh disciplinary measures, we need to realise that we lack the influence that we need to have on our children for them to want to adopt our values and principles.

    The problem to solve is then to figure out why they’re not connecting with us as parents, rather than driving them further away by treating them harshly.

    Our insecurities as parents, coupled with cultural norms that discourage emotional availability between parents and children, result in a focus on being dutiful towards our children, while dismissing how much they need to feel seen and appreciated by us.

    Seen and appreciated through sincere, meaningful, emotional bonds, and not through participation awards, or through buying them stuff.

    But we can’t give what we don’t have. That’s why we need to understand ourselves better when we find that the outcomes we wish for ourselves with our children may not be what we hope to achieve.

    When the village holds more influence over your children than you do, and if that influence goes against your value system, life as a parent becomes a struggle.

    That struggle can only be alleviated by demonstrating, through action and not words, why what you want for them is more beneficial for them than what the village around them stands for.

    That’s when you need to pull them closer, not increase the fear of consequences if they don’t do what you expect of them.

    Give them an opportunity to learn from you how life works, so that they don’t learn it from the village instead.

    Raise adults, not children.

    #raisingkids

  • Self-indulgent self-loathing

    Self-indulgent self-loathing

    Self-indulgence leads to self-loathing because there are too many who think that contentment lies in putting yourself first.

    Putting yourself first is easy.

    Look around and see how many self-indulgent people you have in your life, and then consider how it is that they may really just be trying to take care of themselves because they don’t feel cared for.

    And then consider how many around them feel the exact same way because they’re invisible to the one who is self-indulgent, while finding that to be reason to be self-indulgent too.

    That’s how the crazy cycle of loneliness and isolation of spirit is maintained.

    The lower your self-esteem, the more you try to raise visibility for your struggle.

    ‘You don’t know how hard it is…’

    ‘If only you experienced what I experienced…’

    ‘Nobody understands…’

    ‘Nobody cares…’

    ‘No one gave me a start in life…’

    Whether that is true is irrelevant to what you need to do.

    When you need your struggle to be heard, to be seen, to be appreciated, or to be celebrated before you move on from it, you hold yourself back while looking for validation.

    Only, you don’t think it’s validation. You think it’s honouring yourself.

    Your struggle is for your growth so that you can contribute what you didn’t receive.

    That’s how we improve the world and the quality of lives of those we care for, because that’s what feeds our soul.

    The more you indulge yourself before others, the more you’ll chase fulfilment in a never ending spiral while blaming everyone for not caring, or for using you.

    If you only offer material benefit, how is anyone supposed to take emotional comfort from you?

    Own your life, because if you’re not owning it, you’re probably messing up someone else’s without meaning to.